Hi Exhausted

I have also been looking at the dissolution failed adoption and came across this article.

http://www.adopting.org/uni/frame.php?url=http://www.post-gazette.com/headlines/20000813melissa4.asp

It came from this web site but you may have found it already. It has information on the legal matters of adoption too.

http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/a-parents-guide-to-adoption-disruption-dissolution-resources.html

It seems like the best solution for everyone and B won't care about leaving his family behind which is one positive benefit that his lack of empathy will have to give you some comfort. My partner's kid went back to his mother and the sense of relief was immense for both of us but brought terrible depression on my partner. He then had to come to terms with what sort of parent he was to give up his own son because he knew he wouldn't have any further contact with him. He was torn emotionally because he was relieved and happy that he had gone but felt guilty about being relieved. It took a while to see things clearly and now he rarely thinks of him. The kid could have contacted him at any time but chose not to, he had no affection for anyone not even his father and this helped him accept the kid didn't care about him.
No-one really understands the torment parents go through when giving up on their child however bad they are. They blame themselves for not being strong enough to cope and have a sense of failure not being able to mend the child. Not only that but there is a sense of grief and loss of the child you wanted before everything went wrong.

My partner refused for years to let the kid go back to his mother because of what she was like but there was no choice in the end, the kid decided for himself and she seemed to have forgotten why she dumped him on his father in the first place. He is so much like his mother I'm sure they will rub along together better than with anyone else.

I do feel that none of us can offer you any practical help and if only our thoughts and wishes could be turned into actions we would be more supportive.

I hope you can enjoy your free weekend.

Regards
Jan

I am still alive, just exhausted. B has been out of Juvey for a week now and is already suspended from school. My work has taken far more than I expected and then there's the Holidays.... I am sure that there are some that might be worried under the circumstances since I haven't written on the forum for awhile. (I know I am.) Last night as we were driving to a church youth function, he calmly told me that I haven't even begun to see what he could do when he's really angry. Then he told his 12 yr old sister that there are times he would love to beat the "_" out of her, but then he would have to be in Juvey for longer than 30 days. I thought, "and that's the only thing that holds him back?" He knows that murder would only be until he's 18. There are times he thinks it would be worth it.
My Superintendent has offered to pay for 2 years at a boy's ranch on the other side of the state. He would attend alternative school, have intense therapy, and work with horses. If anything is ever going to help, it's worth a try. If nothing else, it would give my family and me some relief. Just waiting to see if they have space. I'll believe it when I see it though. There have been too many years of despair and hopelessness that I don't want to build up any hope.

Hi
Long time since I responded to you, but I was thinking of you a lot!
I know exactly what you mean by saying there are too many years of hoping...It came to a point forme that I don't want to hope..It only gives disappointments and when there are too many of those it will exhaust you even more!! better not to hope anymore.....Then all the emotions involved with disappointments.

I was thinking in my absence; If it is not possible to get help for B...Isn't there a possibillity to get help for the other children? I am not in you country so forgive me for wrong thinking...When I would be in that same situation I think I would be able to get help for the rest of the family.... It isn't healthy for children to live like this. The constant threatning, the fear, a live like in hell.. exhausted parents...And all because of one child. There must be something to do about it?

At the same time I think this can be difficult for when telling not to be able to look after and take care of one of the children, they might think the other children are not save either??
And I guess you thought of every possibillity yourself already...

The offer of the superintendent is great.. Ooo this would give some air won't it!!!
he will be 2 years older and 2 years more clever and 2 year more stronger..But in those 2 years peolpe will probably see a lot of his true behaviour... And that could mean he is never to return!
Those two years can also be used for you and your husband to get back on your feet a bit..( i guess this will take longer than 2 years) And think of new ways to handle the situation. Maybe there are laws and rules that can't be used for he is too young still, that come in handy when he is a bit older??

My heart goes out to you, i have a son like that and am still not finished with all that happend. he left my house 11 years ago!!
All the memories are spoiled , and there are things I still don;t understand.
I wish you well
Segaya

Hello Exhausted

It must be like sitting on a time bomb. It seems as though there isn't any sort of system to help parents with children like B. He is still a child but with the problems of a mature adult.
These thing she says about harming his sister, is it said partly to shock and hurt you or is it because that is really what he wants to do? It amazing how he has thought these things through and considers his future detention, that is not a psychopathic trait. I have always had the feeling that there is much more going on with B than we will ever know. I think you mentioned some of the diagnoses he has had and others that have been discounted but something could have been missed. I can't help feel that testosterone levels have something to do with his problem.

It would be great if he could get 2 years on the ranch, is there any reason it won't happen? It would be good for you and your family to know he has a wonderful opportunity under supervision rather than being shut away without any hope for his future. If it happens and he seizes the opportunity then great but if he doesn't use it then you have done all you could. It's his choice.
The family would have some breathing space and maybe build up some defences for his visits home.

I do think of you often and feel concerned for the whole family. If only there was some practical way to help I would certainly give you support. My situation was never as bad as yours but I do know the feeling of helplessness and frustration.

Regards
Jan

Quakerlady
member

Registered: 05/08/07
Posts: 5
We adopted a 5 year old child from Korea 20 years ago. She made our lives living hell and throughout the years divided family and friends and almost my husband and I. When she was 12 years old, her psychiatrist told me to send her to boarding school and never look back. She would never be normal. I felt this was rather harsh but being a psychologist I knew something was terribly wrong. Unfortunately, not long after her arrival, I was in a very bad accident and have suffered from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy ever since. Fortunately, I have had some recent surgeries that that have actually improved my situation.

I also was able to use some of my professional techniques to deal with my pain. Consequently, I was not on heavy duty drugs that totally wiped me out. However, I was in terrible pain for a long time. My daughter used to strike my arm to get a reaction from me. She hurt animals and just about anything good she ruined. We offered her a wonderful home with great opportunities and the best private schools.

She lied, stole, cheated and wore me down. My husband thought I was being tough on her and would side with her in many incidents. Honestly, I thought I was losing my mind. When she got in trouble at school, she called me because I would would come to her rescue. I guess I was setup more then I would like to imagine. Finally, I got a break and she married in 2004 and lived on the other side of the country.

All contact ceased for a long time. I felt relieved and my marriage was no longer in jeopardy. People asked about her and I put them off when I said I am not interested in discussing that part of my life. If this was not what they wanted to hear, I really did not care. Anyway many lost friends and family and life went on. One day last fall she called begging for help. She told me her husband was doing drugs and she wanted to come home and finish college and of course how sorry she was for all that had happened. #1-MISTAKE..I said yes!!!!

I began paying for all her things to be shipped, including her car and her cat. I paid for a lawyer and to repair her car from 2 accidents after returning and whatever else she needed. I guess I thought maybe this would be a good thing. Well, it was a disaster and I am still reeling from all that has happened. I am also undergoing surgeries in the midst of this and my doctor discovered a very rapid heartbeat and became concerned.

I never discussed my daughter but had to tell him that since her return there had been a lot of turmoil. Police came to our home several times. She wanted to charge me with assault and get her property and make life horrible once again. Then a rental car was never returned that was rented by someone impersonating her 2500 miles away. Identity theft of a scheme she devised? Unfortunately, I think she was somehow involved. Anyway, she is gone again but way too close for comfort. I fear for my safety and the police could care less. The restraining order has expired and was obtained in another state where we have a second home. The police said you need a basis for an order. What do you have? I fear she will hurt me. That is not enough according to the Pa State police. When does this all end?