Hello Exhausted

You deserve some peace and to be able to spend more time with your daughter, I hope you can enjoy it and not have negative thoughts creeping in.
Is your husband well enough to be visiting the boy? I fully understand why you don't want to see him because he will put on an act and it's so difficult to exchange feelings when you know it's not genuine interchange. Being drawn in to someone else's farce puts you in the position of playing along with the game but if you don't you then you are judged and blamed for the boy being like he is.

Is the low level of security because he doesn't appear to show suicidal tendencies or there is no fear he will abscond? Maybe it is just he gets allowed more things.

I know what you mean about these kids being able to control themselves....we had Mr Cutie fooling everyone and I looked like the wicked stepmother. I dread to think what could have happened if we had been in front of a legal team for whatever reason. Kids are judged by their appearance and projection plays a part too so a lot of evidence is needed to present your case objectively.

Is there any chance that he will tell the court he doesn't want to come back to the family home? I get the feeling you have no desire to have him home again and that must be tugging at all your emotions and how you feel about yourself. I certainly wondered what sort of person I was to have so much hate for a 'child' to the point I would be happy if he dropped off the planet! I really didn't care where Mr C went as long as it was far away from me. I have never once felt bad about it either. I have to say that some of the terrible things he did have faded from my mind a little as I have left the past behind me to a great extent.

I hope it goes well for you on Thursday and hopefully you can educate a few people at the same time.

Regards
Jan

I'm on a training trip for my job this week, but when I get back home, he should be there again. We have had a hearing every week for the last 30 days and now they want to send him home to start school. My husband has been going and visiting and attending the hearings which in the past was my job. I just haven't been able to emotionally do it this time. The court wants him back in counselling. They have been threatening him to send him off for a year if he gets into any more trouble. I don't believe them, they think it will scare him into being good. It's only a matter of time. The question is who is going to get hurt?

Hello Exhausted

These hearings must be so difficult for you and especially your husband, I hope he is feeling well enough to cope.
From what you say it sounds like the courts haven't a clue what they are dealing with. Counselling is going to make matters worse as the boy learns what people want him to do and it gives him information to work with. They will not realise these kids don't suffer any anxiety and nothing scares them, they are punishment insensitive. No threat is going to make the slightest difference. They live for the moment.

My partner and I had the same thoughts, that his kid would have to hurt someone before any authority would take him. We were like prison officers on 24 hour duty to know what the kid was doing every moment. It wears you down and there is no-one to take over your shift.
I only hoped that the person who was the victim of his kid didn't suffer any physical harm and any loss they had was repairable but he left before that happened but who knows what he is doing now as all contact ended.

I even wondered whether it was a possibility to set the kid up so we could report him to the police and get the ball rolling to get a professional assessment and maybe some help or better still have him put in a secure institution. That is how desperate I felt!

I do feel for you as it brings back the emotions I had when this kid was with us and with hindsight there was nothing we could do to alter his future, he was destined to go his own way and no amount of beating ourselves up would change that.

It may be your only option to give him enough rope so he can do the inevitable. I wish there was something positive I could say to give you some hope that things will improve. All we can do is be here to offer words of encouragement and listen when you need to sound off. I hope getting attention and awareness to your situation might bring about some improvements in the system where you are. The authority figures dealing with your case must at some point see that they don't know what they are doing and seek information when the boy repeats his offending behaviour.

Regards
Jan

Hi E and Jan,

That is one thing that is always lingering in my mind, where on earth do people think Psychopaths come from? Everyone has to be a kid to become an adult. Since the conscience forms between 3 and 5 years old does the world think that one day they wake up and turn into Ted Bundy? We have made vast improvements in information since the years Bundy was around but when it comes to kids yet it seems we are lost in desert dust.

I have never bought the line that a bad childhood or lack of bonding created these kids, it is in their brain forming the lack of a conscience. The only thing good bonding will do is turn them into white collar criminals and the ones not raised properly we all pay for their prison cells.

Why can't anyone see it is the kid not the parent who is the problem?

D

I was hoping when we brought him home from detention the end of last month, that he might break his record of being good for 5 days. We were into the 6th day when he finally blew up. Since then, he has been unendingly verbally abusing all of us, but mostly myself. Can't even get him to leave my room when I have begged him to give me a break. I called and left messages on his probation officer's phone, the school called and left messages also saying he was escalating. He was even yelling, "I hate you" to me down the halls there. I work at the school also. He was kicked out of several of his classes and was caught stealing candy from one of the teacher's rooms. He was also accused of threatening a girl in his class that he was going to take a knife and slit her throat. Because it couldn't be proven, charges were dropped. My husband has his hands tied and can only direct him away from whoever he is verbally attacking. Once last week when my husband wouldn't let him passed him down the hall to get to me, B actually punched him in the chin and neck (left a red mark.) My husband pushed him away and B tripped and fell backwards. B of course yelled at him and threatened to turn him in for child abuse so HE would go to jail. He tells him all the time, ever since my husband went to the hospital, "I hope you have a heart attack and die!" A couple of nights ago, he stopped yelling and calmly stated that he was getting angry enough that he was going to start hurting his dad, that he was going to "get back" at him. (Crazy thing is, my husband is the one who visits him and that he calls to talk to and tell him he loves him when he is in detention.)
Yesterday, he had a court review. Because of the phone messages from myself and the school, the PB requested he have some time in detention again. I think he was just taking pitty on me. Thankfully, it was a new judge who was comprehensive and looked at his long record of assault etc. of his family. Told him he wasn't going to give him a break and kept him for another 30 days. B asked the judge if he might give him another chance, (he can act so sweet and humble), the judge said, "absolutely not." B had been telling me all morning that if I said anything to the judge that was bad, that it was my fault he got put in jail. I try not to be too harsh, but I have to be honest. When he was taken away, he gave me a very deadly accusing look.
In January, the court had ordered a psychological work up. I had brought my crate of history to her and she interviewed us, gave us various tests, reviewed the years of psychological and medical care and criminal history. She was to refer us to Children's hospital for something. I have been asking the court for a copy of the report and recommendations so I could be informed as to what I'm asking for them to test him for. She told us after several phone calls that she couldn't give us any information because it was the court that hired her. So we have been writing letters and making phone calls to the court. In the mean time, not receiving any information about a referal having been made to Children's. Finally, yesterday they gave me my copy of her report. I sat in the parking lot and read it. She wanted him to be an in patient for a biological brain scan to rule out brain damage from fetal alchohol and drugs. And the process was for me to have his regular family docter make the referal, not her or the court. News to me.
Here's the kicker: After reading it through, I got out of my car and went up to the attorney who was leaving for lunch. I asked him if he had read the report. He said no. I asked him if he was aware that the strong recommendation at the end of the report was that he should not be placed back with his family. That he was a danger to himself, his community and his family! Of course he wasn't aware of that either. Not that it will make a difference. He will be coming back to us in 30 days and there's nothing we can do about it.

Oh brother, my heart goes out to you and your husband. Would it be possible to wire yourselves with recorders and install "baby cams" in the house to have it on record how he is behind the scenes? Even wear them to school so if the falling thing happens again you can comment on how he fell and let people hear how it all got started.

I suspect one of these times in detention he will do something bad and hopefully extend his visit. I really recommend cameras and recording devices so others can see this charming kid for the monster he is.

They do know about the brains of Psychopath's, have you had a chance to read about it in the Resource Section. I would try and I know that is easy for me to say but see if you can get some information so they do the right brain scan and point them to the literature?

Does this woman evaluator know anything about Psychopath's? She must know something based on her recommendation?

Who is the attorney, is he a court appointed one to represent the kid?

I am glad to hear the judge was firm in his decision. A thought passed through my mind to see if you can somehow contact the judge and see if he has any contacts or ideas?

No one should have to live in this horrible fear.

Di

I'm looking for that information about the brain scan on resources, but can't locate it. could you tell me what it's titled?

Hi, here is the link, it is in the Resource Sections, if any of the links aren't working since we are a bit behind I can google them and get the cached copy.

Di

Brain Studies

Okay, I am going to look up every recent study I can find, sorry the Resource Section is not updated, Jan and I have our work cut out for us;) If you ever find a topic with a broken link go and click "cached" and it will come up.

http://74.125.95.132/search?q=cache:90Cz...n&ct=clnk&gl=us

http://scholar.google.com/scholar?cluster=7814961152444556142&hl=en
This article looks interesting but costs $4.95 to view all.

This only comes up in PDF so can't give you a link but google:
Behavioral inhibition deficits in juvenile psychopaths

This is an interesting paper on Psychopath youths, here again it is in PDF so needs to be googled: Understanding the downward extension of psychopathy to youth: Implications for risk

Exhausted, if you need more info please let me know, if you find anyone of interst you might try calling them. I have called people before and they sometimes will speak to you.

Hello Exhausted,
My heart goes out to you....It seems to me people just don't wanttolisten, the system isn't preparedfor a child like this!
How wonderful is it the judge seems to understand. I wonder if he is aware of the whole story?
I thought reading this. When this boy is in there often enough he will get used to it, when getting used to it he will show his true face. So the more time he spends there the better it is?
I know it is a long shot but the frustrating thing is you tried so much already.
It is unbelievable he makes so much trouble, there are so many witnesses and still nothing is done.
Be well..and take care of yourself!
Segaya