Hi Allie, what other conditions have you explored regarding your MIL? Have you checked out Borderline Personality Disorder? www.bpd.com

Di

I know about BPD,my mother has it.I do not suspect my MIL of it.Do you think from what I have said I should look into it?
Allie

Hi Allie, it might not be a bad idea to check into it again. I am not suggesting you are wrong, just throwing something out that struck me when I was reading your posts. BPD's have many spectrums or so it appears, they ae even rarely but still treated. I don't buy the treatment part but it is a theory held by some experts. When you get a chance to look it up again, I'll read your posts over again. Naturally I am not offering a diagnosis just some ideas. www.bpd.com Have you read their book "Walking on Eggshells?

Di

Hi Allie

Setting boundaries means acknowledging YOU have a choice whether you visit MIL or not. Where is it written in stone that you HAVE to go see someone who upsets you? It doesn’t matter whether she is a friend, relative or your own mother. You owe her nothing…..even the son she passed on to you? She owes you for taking him!

By being in her company you put yourself in front of her like a standing target. Even if she visits your home it doesn’t mean you can’t go out when she is there. It’s your home…your rules and if she doesn’t like it then she can stay away.

Other people will not see what this woman is like, why should they? If she is not causing them a problem she probably has no effect on their lives. Unfortunately she seems to be your problem, as you say, she looks for weaknesses. Maybe your weakness IS the problem? Building barriers and boundaries will overcome any weaknesses. You seem reluctant to stand up for yourself and the children but what are the consequences if you do? What can she do to you? Have you thought through her reactions to your actions? You may be presuming she will behave in a certain way but that is because you feel the underdog….not because she really will do it. Bullies usually back down when someone stands up to them. She is only a woman as you are, she doesn’t have any authority over you or what you do and certainly only has the ability to cross your boundaries if you allow her to.

By thinking about her gift as representing her thought processes you have knowledge of how she thinks, so …..projecting back to her can be you throwing your ball at her, not catching the one she throws you. You take control of the situation. Imagine standing opposite her and picture her comments to you as that ball, if you put your hands out (show a reaction) when she makes a move to speak she will carry on and throw. If you turn away or leave your hands by your side, what she throws will fall to the floor and she will have to pick it up if she wants to throw it again. To protect yourself from that ball hitting you, turn around, walk away or just don’t get within range in the first place. It’s a matter of being in control of your reactions. If she doesn’t get a reaction from you she is not in control and she can’t get a reaction from you if you are not there.

Do you think you will ever change her or what she does? If the answer is ‘no’ then why try? It’s very noble of you to want to help someone become a better person but you haven’t got that power, She makes her own choices and so should you.
Time to stop being her victim? It is a choice you can make.

I am wondering if there is more to your problem with this woman that you have been able to write about, you may not even have recognised it yourself. Perhaps give your motives for being so involved with her some thought? Do you feel in any way that you deserve some punishment and this situation provides that? If so, why? As you say your mother has BPD, did she make you feel inadequate or to blame for something? Did your mother blame you for her problems whether verbally or by her actions?
Is there a chance that you hope that if you can’ mend’ your MIL, as a substitute for your own mother, you feel you have helped mend her too and then the past is put right?

This is where being in a group with other people will help you recognise things within yourself and the way you react, when they discuss the things they see in themselves. You will not be the only one facing these issues.
It will give you confidence in yourself to see others have dealt with the same issues and you can move on.

Take one step at a time.

Regards
Jan

Hi Jan,

This may sound silly,but my MIL can be very intimidating and a bully and for some reason I still become affraid of her or do not know what to say and become tongue twisted.She is almost threatening.She was going to be my step mother when I was a kid,but my Dad and her never married.So maybe that has some kind of impact on me, than if I never knew my MIL at all before I married.My Dad says this to me allot what you say and that I am looking for a mother figure in her,I do not want to though.My mother also like my Dad is ill with scitzophrenia but dysfunctional and a dependent adult unlike my Dad who is a functional scitzophrenic.So my mother was only able to take care of me with my Dad for a short time as a baby.

The weird thing is that my MIL goes around a says that all of her daughter in laws are like thier moms of course negative qualities.But MIL of course when I asked her if she was like her mom she said no.Funny how we have no control of who we model but she does.The dangerous thing is I am not like my mother and father in the ill since that they have,but other things we all can somewhat like our parents good or bad.so why I say dangerous is becuase my MIL can hold this over my head and say almost anything and think she is ammune,which I know she does.Like compairing me which I know is untrue the negative parenting of my father&mother.She talks badly to me about my SIL's mothers not fathers how stupid,controlling,or unfit,poor mother models they are.And how my SIL's learn this from them.So where does that leave me in my MIL's mind and behind my back?see what I mean dangerous,it could be anything she could be saying.The other DIL's she can't do this to like she does me,not fair.Probably because she was with my Dad not their Dads.

According to my husband his mother was abusive to him growing up.I say she still is.
my Mil gets to through her son,I do not know how to stop this.



The other problem is in the past when I have stood up to my MIL she runs to my husband and starts a problem playing victim than I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE not her.When I tell my husband what really happened or what did happen he says he does not want to get involved.It is like he just has to nmake peace with us and MIL wins!I really want this woman to go away because the the problem won't,I constaqntly have to be on my guard at all time with her.This is not normal for someone,so pschopath fits!MIL wants revenge against me my husband said I crossed her.I will try to look for a group but most I have found are bible study or alanon.MIL also makes it almost impossible to ignore her crap over christmas she was bad mouthing one of my SIL's like she wanted me to also,when I said nothing she got mad and asked me did I remember something several years ago about my SIL's poor mothering of her kids like I LOST my memory!My SIL has been a friend to me informing me of our MIL bad mouthing my mothering of my kids.Two faced!!
Thanks,
Allie Psychopath.s. sorry for the spelling

Hello Dianne,
I have read several books on BPD,and talked with my uncle(biological moms)brother about it.He has a masters degree in psychology but never went into counceling just human resources.

I know there are similarities in personality disorders,but I do not at all think my MIL is BPD.

Also BPD is very misunderstood.people who have this disorder are labeled like they are all the same.There is still research going on about this disorder,manipulation is supposed to be a characteristic but really is not,even though some can be like anyone else.

Now there are some individuals who have BPD who are to the "T" not controlling there symptoms whom describe the negative of the disorder.Or the extreme like the movie with Clint Eastwood "Play Misty For Me".

I have a friend who was diagnosed with BPD as a teenager,she had her ups and downs with it and now is doing great in college,working and has a bright future.Another example of someone who has BPD is Susanna Kaysen.The movie "Girl Interupted" with Angela Jolie and Winona Ryder.

My mother has mainly had problems with schizophrenia not BPD.With BPD it has been over eating,no goals,etc...not anything bad.
Thanks I would still like to hear from you,
Allie

was wondering if you were able to get that info on boundaries?
Thanks,Allie

Allie

I just found this site and it is so strange reading about your problems with your mother-in-law because my ML is almost exactly the same! I know people make mother-in-law jokes but this woman goes beyond! I have already started my own thread about her,asking for advice and the more I read,the more I am convinced she has also sexually abused her children and maybe now doing so to her grandson,who lives with her. We always described her as:
Very clever but also stupid
manipulative
Sexually strange
liar
vindictive
Both my ML and my sister-in-law (who live together with the 10 year old grandson) have drinking problems and talk about sex alot, very openly and make gestures in public.
They both also treat my husband like their partner, we don't even live in the same country as them but they call him with every little (and big) problem, drunk 'i love you' calls, they insist on being with him on both their and his birthdays(this only started after he married me). They call him at midnight on New years(we are an hour behind them), knowing he is at home having a romantic evening with me,but not just once and leave a message, they call and call until he speaks to them(one year he turned his phone off and woke up to discusting messages and emails from both of them).
When we do see them they do not even pretend to want to see me at all,they try everything they can to get him on their own.
Never once has ML agreed to babysit so we could have a night out and on my husbands birthday one year when we did pop out to get a take away(leaving her with her friend and my parents) she threw a huge tantrum and refused to sit at the table and eat. She sat on the couch and got very drunk and started an argument.

Strange indeed! Unfortunately,we now live in the same country as her so I am sure I am going to be forced to see even more of her.
I notice you have not posted for a while,please let us know how you are getting on as reading your experiences has helped me.