This site is deffinitely for me. It was a pure blessing to have find it on the Internet just yesterday! I have always thought I was the only one in this world living a hell-like life, and I am relieved to find out that there many other people like I am who know how it feels to live with a psychopath. Normally, people are plain shocked when I state that I hate my mother. They are shocked and they normally say "Wow. How could you! She is your mother!" For the first time in my life I am actually able to talk about her and what she did to me.

Here are the some of the reasons I could think of why I hate my mother:

1) One time, back when I was a teenager, she told me "You are not a virgin, and when you will get married, I can explain to your husband why." So I asked her "And what can you explain to him?" And she said "When you were 1 year old, still a baby, your father raped you. Ever since then it gave me a total power over him because he knew I can put him to prison any time if I want to." Those were her exact words that she told me. Now, I definitely don't remember being raped, maybe because I was too little back then, only 1 year old. And from what I can remember, my father never molested me. So maybe it happened, maybe it didn't happen. He divorced her when I was 10 because he couldn't live with her anymore. When I had sex for the first time, it hurted really, really, really bad for the first minute, but there was no blood.

2) At some point of time I find out that her mother, my grandmother, once tried to commit suicide because of my mother. I do not know the reasons why, I only know it was because of my mother.

3) When I was about 6, she once told me at about 6 pm that when the clock will turn 10pm, she will get the belt out (leather, with huge metal buckle) and beat the crap out of me. I don't remember why. I waited with horror for 4 hours for the clock hands to approach 10, and right before it did, I ran out of the house into the dark, and kept running as fast as I could. I was caught and beaten anyway. Then when I was about 7 and didn't do the ironing of the bed sheets she wanted me to do (I took a nap instead), that same belt went all over my butt and my legs. And then many other times too. It would leave black , red, and blue marks all over my lower body that will take time to heal. The only thing I remember her saying while she was hitting me with the belt is "Don't scream! Don't scream!" We lived in an apartment building and she didn't want the neighbors to hear and call the police. She would always search all over my room for my diary, and when she finds it, she will read aloud my personal feelings and then berate and diminish them in every way she could. Eventulaly, I stopped keeping the diary and basically had no way to outpour my feelings, because there never was anyone I could talk to. This is the first time I am talking about my mother and what she did to me. \

4) She would read my poetry I wrote and then would call it "idiotic" and "pathetic". In fact, my literature teacher would later pass my works to a publisher and he published them.

5) When I was 12 to 16, she would kick me out of the house. I had no place to go, and would hide in the park at nights. We lived in a very bad area, and I stood awake all nights long waiting for the sun to rise, scared to fell asleep in the park in my hiding spot. One time, when I was hiding like that I was attacked.

6) When I was in 5th Grade, she came to class, put me in front of the classroom so everone was looking at me and told that I am a lazy liar and no one should be friends with me. I don't remember exactly why she did it. In contrary to what she was trying to accomplish, my classmates said they were feeling sorry for me right after she left.

7) One time she was hitting my head against the cement wall. And the other time, she was chasing me around the palce with an axe. I ran into the bathroom and locked myself up and she was hitting in rage the bathroom door with an axe.

8) When I turned 18, many older men started bringing me gifts and money in hopes for the sexual favors from me, she pretended she doesn't notices anything, but kept the money and the gifts. When I started to work as a waitress in a restaurant and make pretty good money, she kept all the money. The restaurant owner started sexually harrassing me and I quit. My mother knew he was harrassing me, but got enraged that I quit. She wanted me to go back there and keep earning money.

9) When I was 20, an American man fell in love with me and 1 week later proposed to marry me. I knew him only for 1 week, bu tI said "Yes" to escape from my mother. My mother was really happy that I am marrying an Amercian and sent me out to be his wife. Here in States, she would keep contacting me and telling how her life is full of poverty and how she needs money for basic things. I kept sending her about $1,000 a month for years. Then she would try to convince me how we are a family, and I did the visa for her. I know, big mistake, but that is how much I was under her control. She kept coming here for years, each time costing thousands of dollars, and charge me thousands for babysitting my daughter, her granddaughter. When her visa was about to expire, she would take my daughter together with her back to Tashkent, and then blackmail the American embassy to renew her visa so she can bring my daughter (American citizen) back to States. She was doing it for about 5 years, using my daughter as a pawn so she can come here.

10) Eventually, my husband told me he does not want to keep giving her money anymore, and he divorced me. This ended my mother's source of income. My husband left me a settlement after the divorce and I tried the best I could to hide this money from her. On my Birthday, she made me drunk and tried to find out where I keep the money. I didn't tell her [censored].

11) After the divorce, I was diagnosed with anxiety, panic attacks, and OCD. For a while I was unable to function. Nevertheless, I managed to graduate college and now work as an accountant for a CPA firm. I am currently studying fo rmy CPA exam. My mother hates the fact that I am doing well, and still tries to berate and diminish my abilities.

12) The last time her visa got renewed, she came here and told me she is not going back. She is planning on staying here, even if illegaly. And so she does. She works as a live-in housekeeper about an hour drive away from me, and keeps stalking me on the phone and on email and pressuring me to do the green card papers for her so she can stay in US forever.

13) She emailed all my friends and told them very nasty things about me, that I am a bad person, blah, blah, blah. Some of my friends turned away from me ever since then.

14) I met a very good man, and I don't want her any near my family I am trying to create.

15) She had my younger brother totally under her control, and he divorced his wife because that is what she wanted. Now that she is in US, my brother got back with his wife. She turned their lives into hell during all those years they were married. Now they are all relieved that she is gone.

16) I have decided that she is toxic for my life, and it would be better for me if I do not have any contact with her. Because if I do, she will suck me right back in. So the best strategy is to not respond. She is good with manipulations though, each time I hear her "I might be sick with cancer, I am starving, blah, blah", I am tempted to give in, and then each time I do, I pay dearly for it, with my health and with my pocket.

17) I read the symptoms of a psychopath and about them. My mother is 100% a psychopath. She has no consciousness, whatsoever.

18) She has never ever apologized for anything she has done to me and believes she has done nothing wrong. In her twisted mind, she is the victim. She goes around making people feel sorry for her, and she is very good at it. That is how she gets what she wants and gets by in life.

I am sorry for the very long rant, but I feel so much better for the first time in my life, finally. Thank you.

hey Forest

This is such a sad story, I feel terrible for you She does sound a bit of a text book psycho. Can you move out of the area and change your numbers and stuff?

You sound like you really have your head together and have found out a lot of the info. You know what you're dealing with. Are you still in touch with your Dad? It sounds like perhaps she made all that up.

Dude

Hello Forest Flower

I'm pleased you have come across our forum and welcome. Your story is very sad and I'm very impressed that you can document everything with such clarity and without venom. It helps to get over trauma expressing situations by writing about them and I hope others will feel free to do the same.

I'm sure many people will read what you have written and immediately empathise with you and silently nod in recognition of experiencing similar things. Thank you so much for sharing your story with our members, it will help so many people see that there is a future and with a positive outlook it can be achieved.

Are you able to share with us how you were able to accept what had happened to you and move on from it? It must have been very difficult and you found support or may just have done this on your own. If only we could 'bottle' it and give to others struggling to extricate themselves from the life and place they are stuck in.

I wouldn't call your post ranting by any means, it was very informative and positive. I hope we hear a lot more from you as you have so much to give to others who are still battling with their problems and emotions.

Thank you!

Regards
Jan

Hello Forest flower,

And a welcome from me too.
I had a psychopath mother ( and father) too.
In fact I met someone here on the forum who has a mother just like mine. I recognise some of your stories for they happened to me too. Other parts are different but as bad as mine and of the other woman I speak about.

Take courage, we ar not our mothers.When we learn how to cope with it all we become better people then we probably would have been without all those experiences. Maybe it is an odd thing to say, but I realy, realy mean it..Every word of it!

I have just a little time now but I will come back to you another time.
Regards Segaya

Hi Dude,

Yes, I was considering moving of the area and changing numbers, but then I thought even if it will solve the problem technically, it still will not make me feel better. It's hard to explain. I had to confront her face to face and let her know first that enough is enough. Easier said, than done, of course. But I was considering moving out of the area, especially when the situation would become too much to deal with. When she emails, my anxiety rebounces right back and stays for weeks. I tried to block her on email, but she still manages to find other ways to get to me. I marked her cell phone number as "WATCH OUT!!!!" in the contacts, so I don't accidentially pick up when she calls. When she uses different phone and I see the number I don't recognize, I don't answer the phone. One time she showed up at my house without notice. Thanks God I wasn't home. I saw her hanging by the front door when I was driving back home from work; I sped up away before she noticed me. I parked few blocks away from where I could still see the house safely, and she was there for 7 hours waiting and not going away. Eventually she left, and I could safely go inside the house after these 7 hours. I had a thought about calling the police while she was there all this time. I worked all day and wanted just to get home and finally get some rest. But then I thought if I call the police, what am I going to tell them? Please come and chase my mother away for trespassing? All I am going to hear is "She is your mother! How can you treat her like this!" And then she would start crying in front of the cops and showing how her "evil daughter is abusing her and not letting her inside the house"! I was stuck in that situation. Totally stuck.. Every time I drive home from work, I have to check first if my mother is seen anywhere on the front porch. It is plain ridiculous. I knew I had to resolve this craziness and put an end to it. When she contacted me with her next email "I am coming over tomorrow to see my granddaughter" (Meaning: "I am coming over to keep manipulating the green card out of you"), I emailed her back "Please do not come because you are not welcome in my house. I do not want to make the green card for you because if I do, you will keep me living in hell forever. You are toxic to my life." That was the first time, I ever was so direct with my mother and told her on clear terms to back off, so to speak. The crazy thing is that she NEVER EVER told me in a direct way what does she really want from me (a green card). She always kept "dancing around" the issue, and would never ever say what she wants in direct terms. Endless mind games. Well, needless to say, she did not get my message. I knew she would show up anyway, and she did. Early in the morning I got out of the house with my daughter and we tried to spend the time away from the house as much as we could all day: sitting in the library, going to Costco, etc. Eventually, she got tired and wanted to go back home. We drive back, and sure enough, my mother was sitting on the front porch. I know she was sitting there for hours. I tried to sped off; too late; she noticed my car. My anxiety shooted up, I started to shake all over, and there I knew that I had to confront her righ there. Still I couldn't do it. She ran to the car, all smiling, started helping with the grosseries by taking them inside. All this time I did not look at her and didn't say a word to her. When the grosseries where inside, I turned around and told my daughter "I will be at the library", then passed right by her and got out of the hosue without looking at her. I went to the library and was sitting there all shaking. In about half an hour, my daughter ran in and told that her dad (my ex-husband) came to pick her up from home and then she yelled at my mother to go away so my ex took her back to the train station and it is safe for me now to go back home. I came back home, and there was a note on the table saying "It is clear to me I will not get the green card from you" (Now she started to speak directly of what she really was after! Whetever happend to that "I want to see my granddaughter" thing.) "It is also clear to me now that you are against me and your brother. We do not need you, if you don't want to share your life with us anymore. I want you to sign off your claims that I am your mother. Right now the Immigration computer lists me as your mother. I want you to sign the paper that you do not want to be my daughter anymore. This will make me eligible to obtain immigration status other ways, other than thorugh the family member. You can email me the " I do not want to be your daughter" statement." I emailed her what she wanted. I received the email back saying "Thank you. You can sleep well now." I have never heard from her again. It happened about a month ago.

My dad died 7 years ago. I honestly do not know if what she told me is true. From what I can remember, he never molested or abused me or my brother. He always tried to protect us each time my mother would attack us. Then he started to drink a lot. I remember when I was very little, I and my mother would go see him in a hospital. He drank a bottle of strong vinegar trying to commit suicide. Then he divorced her, and would not visit me and my brother. He kept drinking, and eventually died of liver failure when he was in his late forties.

My dad and my mother met at the post-office. She had her hair bleached in a salon few days prior; they over-processed the bleach and it caused all of her hair to break off about half an inch away from the scalp. When my dad asked why do her hair look so unusual, is it a new fashion or something? She told him she just got released from prison and they shaved their heads in there. It was a lie, my mother has never been to prison, but she liked telling him like she was and make herself look "tough".

Thank you, Jan. Talking about it REALLY helps. I am 33 years old now, and all this time I was not able to say a word about it. It was embarrassing for me to express in any way the way my childhood was, and for the most part I totally believed I deserved it. I remember when I was around 8 years old, my mother was backing me up into the corner (I don't remember why), shouting "Slut! F*****g animal! Piece of sh*T!!!" And when I was amost pressed against the corner, all of a sudden I yelled "I am a human being!" and I raised my hand like I was trying to hit her. Her entire face changed "Whaaaat!!!!!!!" I thought she is going to kill me right there. But she just started to laugh mockingly "Human being! Human being! hahahahaha!"

Yes, some parts of my childhood I can remember clearly, but for the most part, it is hard to remember any of it. It is like you know it was messed up, but when it comes to details, it is hard to pinpoint exactly why. It's like you have so much to tell, when when it comes to actully start talking, you just don't know how to explain things or even where to start. The whole thing is just way too twisted and nothing makes any sense in any rational or explainable way! It is like, during the moment when it's happening, you kind of like relatively able to explain what is going on. But when after some time you go back and try to think about the event again, nothing makes sense anymore! When my mother runs the show, so to speak, you are in it, following the scenario. And then when after some time you go back and try to recollect the "plot", nothing makes sense. It's like "What in the world was THAT about?"

There is definitely the future. That is for sure. Too bad it started for me a little bit late, but I think better late than never. I understand that this kind of thing will never go away completely, I will have to live with this for as long as I live, but at least I am my own person now, not a prey. All you have to do is say "No" and walk away. It took me 33 years to realize that and actually do that. Saying "No" and walking away from a mother is not an easy thing, especially when you have been brainwashed all your life that leaving your mother behind is the most heinous thing anyone can do in this world. But I thought, if that what it takes to make me feel better, and therefore become a better, happier person for my daughter, so be it. I decided my daughter should come first. I regret it took me 12 years to make this decision (my daughter is 12 now). Before that, my entire life rotated around my mother and her needs only, and nothing good really came out of it.

My wake up call began when my husband divorced me. It was a true wake up call and a shock. All of a sudden, I was a single mother. He broke away free, and he did the right thing, I think. I am amazed he was able to last for 10 years. The exact way my mother was abusing and manipulating me to get the money, I was abusing and manipulating him to get the money for her. The exactly the same way. He did the right thing by walking away. Then I became a single mother. I used the settlement he left me to get education and to get on my feet. My mother tried to get her hands on the settlement, but by that time I knew that in this is my last chance to to do something about my life and provide a better life for my daughter. It was basically the time to set my priorities straight. She eventually stopped manipulating about money, but from that time on manipulating the green card became her priority.

I have been divorced for almost four years now. I am on good terms with my ex-husband. We are friends. I asked him to forgive me, I hope he did. One of the many good things about him is that he is a very non-judgemental person. Still, I am not trying to minimize in any way the damage I caused to his life. I see now the great person he is, but at the time he seemed to me a pure evil. We never fight nor argue about anything really anymore. I started to check my own behavior all the time; whatever I do or think, I first always ask myself "Does this make me look like my mother?". If yes, I correct my behavior or thought pattern. I picked role models to try to model my behavior after; most of them are considered to be strong women with good education. I don't view people as "enemies" anymore. I am grateful to everyone who is in my life or wants to be in it, whether on personal or professional level. I don't take anyone for granted. Life is too short, to be pissed off all the time.

Extricate yourself from this kind of situation is insanely hard. The hardest thing is to realize that the situation is screwed up and the way the things are is not the way the things are supposed to be. I would think of the way my mother treated me, and I just couldn't imagine to treat my daughter the same way. It just didn't make sense to me. I took a good look at my life from a distance, so to speak, and tried to figure out exactly what the heck is wrong with it, and if something does not make sense in a rational way, I tried to figure out exactly why. I just tried to question everything in an objective sort of way. For example, if my mother claims she is sacrificing her life for me, then why each time she shows up, my credit cards get maxed out and my credit ruined? You know, you have to start question things, you have to start making connections, in a very like cool manner, you have to start looking for sense, to untangle the web. If you get frustrated, then step back and then go on it again. You need to bring clarity to your mind. Look for contradictions. Like my mother she would always claim she sympathizes to those in poverty, and at the same time, she would always walk by the homeless people without giving them a cent, and say something like "I wish someone would give to ME!" if they kept following her.

Anyway, it is still a long road for me. I just broke free about a month ago, and I sure the whole thing is not over yet, and for sure will "haunt" me forever. But at least I am my own person now, and I really do sleep better.

Thank you again for this site. It is truly invaluable.

You are absolutely right, Segaya. When we learn how to cope with it all, we become better people than we probably would have been without all those experiences. This is very, very true. This is actually a very good perspective to look at things. There is still a very long road for me to complete recovery, if such even exists, but I am learning on every step of this road, for sure. I am just taking one day at a time, and give myself a breather when I get tired. Then I keep moving again.

Wow, having BOTH parents like that is hard to even imagine. You must be an incredibly strong person! I am so happy I am not alone in this. I am happy I found this site.

Hello Forest Flower

Your posts have been so open and honest that I know it will encourage others and if they only begin by reading your story they may eventually be able to write it all down whether or not they post it here. Talking and writing allows some of the pressure to be released and is the start of being able to move on.
I know that feeling of relief when you can talk about some incredible and horrible things and someone else responds because they understand exactly what you are saying and feeling, there is no judgment of you or how you have dealt or are dealing with your problems, just support.

I’m not at all surprised that some of your childhood is blocked out, most people accept their situation as the norm and don’t realise others don’t live the same way and the fact that children can be quite resilient despite the horrors of their existence.
It was very brave of a small girl being able to stand up to the mother like you did…that must be the inbuilt resilience.
I don’t suppose it was worth trying to rationalise what was going on as there must have been no way to change it anyway, some people retreat into themselves, some pursue an educational route and some just bide their time until they can get away.
It sounds like education was your route out of there and I’m amazed that you came away with kindness and consideration for your mother. It shows that behaviour can be innate rather than learned. It’s good to hear you echo the sentiments of people like Segaya saying that what you have been through has made you the person you are today, that is a very positive way to think and use such a negative experience.

The way you describe your journey out of the situation that was forced upon you could be used to help members who are struggling to move forward and I wonder whether we can put it into some sort of format that we can offer to others? It would help if you could describe the stages from realising what was wrong and accepting that things were no longer going to be tolerated and what gave you the strength to make the changes to your life. What was it within yourself that you relied on to do it?

I realise it’s still early days yet but I’m sure your decisiveness will not let you down now you have such clarity. Many members go back to the toxic relationship because they believe the empty promises that lure them back in. That is a normal reaction for many because if they promise something they mean it and find it hard to believe that others are not the same. I suppose it is also because of hope…hope that someone can change and see the hurt they have caused. It is sad when they beat themselves up for falling for it again. If only it was that easy to change your life in one attempt.

Regards
Jan

Hi forest flower, we are greatful in return that you found us. What is the deal with the green card? Is she here on a temporary visa and needs the green card signed by a family member to get the green card?

Although I did not have a Psychopath mother, my mind is blank when it comes to my childhood, my brother is the same. I was told that it was the minds way of dealing with the pain to block it out.

You are wise and a very kind person. Yes, you and your daughter come first. I am glad you and your x are great friends.

Have you had a chance to look at the PTSD list? It must be horrible to hear the phone ring and get that jump not knowing who it is. Would it make the matter worse once you hear it is her to tell her to go away and hang up?

Since she is hanging around your house perhaps you might consider a small hidden camera to record it? Another angle might be to get a phone recorder and when you know it is her inform her that the call is being recorded, no other reason than to flush her out.

How long does she have to stay here without a green card?

Di

Hello Forest flower.
I am happy you found your way to the forum and came back too.
I hope we continue seeing you here whenever you need to speak your mind!

You are brave and you will survive for that is who you are; a surviver!!( and that my dear is a compliment!)

The behaviour you describe is so familiar to me..They are always on the watch, waiting for a small change to get into the picture...
You didn't call the police for beign afraid they would not understand why you call because of your mother.
There are 2 sides on this issue.
Or you didn't want to call out of shame yourself OR you really did think they would make you seem crazy.
I don't think they will!
I am not sure in your country but in mine stalking is a crime. No matter who the stalker is. Her behaviour is stalking, and take it from me...psychopaths are known for their stalking. So maybe you have to think it over before it may happen again. what to do and indeed why to do it.

I want to talk to you also about the mail you send back to her.
Now it turned out well, very well I may say ( sorry if this is hurtfull to you)
The way you told her to back off was making you vulnerable I guess; You added 'please' in your mail and you told her a lot of info about how you feel of the whole situation.
The more information we give about ourselfs, how we feel, what we think, or even an opinion , the more power we give to the psychopath in our lives.
Just keep it short, no more info as absolutely necessary.. 'Back off, I am not going to be involved with you anymore...' would have done the trick probably. This is just and advice and an example of how to keep it safe for you.
I do know how difficult it is, but we have to start some time and somewhere, don't we.

The letter you had to write..Ohh it all sounds so familiar. No my mother didn't ask me something simmilar, my son did.
When I had to kick him out of my house ( after almost 7 years of deaththreats) he didn't want to leave. He was giving me an ultimatum; I had to write down I was to kick him out, signed with my fullname, the date etc..He wanted to show people how bad a mother I was ( am)...
I did write the note..But not in the way he wanted me to.
I wrote I kicked him out and took time to descibe all of his behaviour and then signed it in full!
I bet he never showed it to anyone!!!
It is a pitty I couldn't tell you this up front, well anyway you did it and it turned out well, till now.

You were a brave child!
It took me till I was around 14 to speak up to her.
She was always calling me names too. Even beated me up, or let my stepfather do it, in front of the house for every neighbour or passant to see and hear. They called me whore and all when I was 7 or 8 years of age... And people didn't do anything to stop it....except talking to each other; 'this girl has to be bad , when even her parents speak about her like this!
Anyway. She always blamed me for the actions of my fahter and used my last name as an insult too.
Then I became so ashamed of myself and my father and I wanted to die, just not be there anymore for what is there to do about my name or the fact I was his daughter?
And at one time, indeed when I was around 13 or 14 I just looked at her, she was screaming on the top of her lungs again, her face turned purple with anger and hate ... and indeed raised my voice a little and said; Who is to blame for that, who spread her legs for him, was it me or you!... just turned around and left her standing there...
She never spoke of it,never mentioned it again...
And me? I am still ashamed of loosing my selfcontrol..I still think I never should have said it to her, not in this harse way anyway. No,not for her, but because it is so not me to say things like that...
I remember I waited a very long time for her revange....


When people ask me ; 'how did you survive"...it is so hard to explain. There isn't one thing that made me survive...It is a lot of thinks together I guess.
For one( I was tested ) I am gifted, My intelligence is far more then normal and I thought a lot of it all at the time when I was young, tried to explain things to meself, but most of all I thought about ways out.No I couldn't run when being too young but I could think of ways to protect myself.
Showering was a very dangerous thing to do. So I was in and out of the shower in less then 3 minutes, even washed my hair in that small amount of time. Was dry and fully dressed again ( no, please don't ask me to do that again, I don't htink I can be that fast ever again whahwhha)I just though of it ; how can I do it as fast as I can, in what order.... made a competition of it with myself almost and tried to be even faster then that!!
This is just one example.
Another part of the surviving was the feeling I had of never to be completely on my own. A feeling I can hardly discribe. I had no other family..yes I did, but we never had conctact with any of them. The family I was living with; my mother, stepfather and two brothers where completely isolated.
Now I know it was a spiritual feeling but back then it was foggy.
Somehow I always knew things weren't right and somehow I always knew I wanted to make it right. Not being young, but once I was old enough.
This knowing was strong and helped me a lot, although I was not very concious about it at the time.

At one point I stopped feeling. Emotionally and physically. Looking back this was absolutely necessary for me to survive it al. No, it is not done conciously, it is just the way the mind uses for surviving the worse.
it took me such a long time , when being an adult, to come back from that. Years and years were spend by trying to figure out what I was feeling and how to deal with those feelings.
What helped me a lot in the whole healing process was the same thing you are doing; Looking at myself in a very objective way. What is it I am doing, how do I react on a certain situation. I looked at others to see how they react on the same situation. But never copied anyone just like that. The information this was giving me was giving me a start only. I had to get to know me... Who am I, how do I think about it? what are MY feelings about it.
This is so hard to do and it took such a long time to discover. Is it me..is it the information i had when being young, do i agree with that information . if not how are my own thoughts about it all?
This is hard for all the information i had from my up bringing was wrong.. I didn't know normal life..Didn't have a clue how to behave in a way that was not out of order with 'normal'life or normal people...
The instant reactions were the most difficult.

When being young humans learn how to react on things that happen. The rest of there lives they will react the same way they did the very first time they experienced it.
All my reflexes were wrong!
I know now it can all be changed but I started off not nowing a thing!
The hard part is not many people realy undertand it in deep.
it is not big things only..
EVERYTHING is messed up.
How to get the day started , how to end a day and all that is in between. Even the way I slept was to be changed!!!

I want to tell you there is a way out. I survived but I don't consider myself a surviver any more.
Someone who survives and keeps telling to be a surviver is still actively living it. I am not. I hardly think about it in daily life.
I do care about people , probably more so then average but not obssesively. I am a therapeut but can let go and can do so easely even.

There is a life after it all, take it from me
of course things still happen and at times there is a confrontation again, a situation occurs that brings me back in time and needs to be dealed with. But it doesnt'hurt me all that much anymore, and doesn't have an impact on my live in general.
Weeks and even months go by without me even thinking about it!

As I made clear for you last time, and as you agreed on; it gave me a lot of experience that I can use for the benefit of others. that is where I can turn things around....
I turned it all in to good and I believe strongly you will do exactly the same thing!!!!
Take courage and keep looking after yoruself...be nice to you, be good to you and care for youself!
Segaya