Hello Everyone,

I am so thankful I have found this sight, it has been a long journey here. For my whole my life
I knew there was something wrong with my mother, but I could never put my finger on what it was exactly.
I found the daughters of narcissistic mothers site, and started posting about my mother. The administrator read my posts and
said that my mother sounded like she had Antisocial Personality Disorder (with Narcissistic traits). I'm very interested to hear what you guys think

My story is as follows:

From a young age, my mother would often laugh at me if I cried because I was sad or got hurt. It was a callous laugh, as if seeing someone with intense emotions was
way to much for her to handle. Because of that, I learned that tragic events and other people's pain was something to be laughed at, so when
a friend fell off his bike, I laughed, and when a family member died, I laughed. My mother now uses this against me, and humiliates me. It is as if she does not
remember that SHE taught me to do this.

My mother was never physically violent (she has a dissability) but when my sister would misbehave, she would sometimes tell me to catch my little sister and hit her.
So I became the bad one in my sister's eyes.

My mother seems to have no shame. She has to always have her own way. Since I was very young I have always done the shopping and cooking.
One time, I bought a product at the store, and then a couple weeks later bought it again (it costs about 2 dollars). She called me to the kitchen
and started screaming at me in a HORRIBLE rage, "WHY DID YOU BUY THIS!?" And I said, I thought we needed it. "NO WE DON'T NEED IT! WE HAVE 3 OF THEM. STUPID!
ALWAYS WASTING MY MONEY. STUPID! TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW." I was completely silent, fighting tears. I'm sorry I said. "TAKE IT BACK NOW!" I
refused and said I wouldn't take it back then. Then I ran outside, and could still hear her screams.
That whole day, i cried and cried, and pulled at my hair in misery. When I saw her a few hours later, she gave me a smile and acted as if nothing had happened.
I asked WHY, why had she screamed at me. She said, "Because I was angry, I just had to let it out." (She said this calmly, with no shame or guilt at all).

My mother was raped when she was younger, and she talks about it with me sometimes. She has this weird look in her eyes. She does not cry when
she recounts the detail, but the weird thing is that she acts as if she does not care one bit. She also had a boyfriend who tried to kill her, and now she actually looked him
up and is in contact with him again. ????? How crazy is that!?

Despite her negative experiences, she will still want to hitch rides with people (When I'm with her!) Once she met a man in a park (who looked like a serial killer)
and started talking with him, after a couple of minutes, he offered us a ride. I talked to my mom in private and said I didn't want to go. She said 'Oh come on, it'll be
fine." Then she kept looking out at the scenery as if I were not there. I said, "No. I'm not going." "He's not bad" she says. To make a long story short, I took the two hour bus
and my mom rode with him, but boy was she angry that I hadn't gone.

She has also done things like lying under oath, and trying to still my inheritance. Her defense (It's really hers!) WTF!
By the way, she doesn't have any real friends, and she doesn't care if people don't like her.
She also does this strange thing. She will talk bad about me to others, In FRONT of me???? As if I'm not there.

What do you all think? What does this sound like.

Thanks!!!

Hi Loveguetta!

It sounds like you've been put through a lot of misery by a mother who thinks more of herself than her own daughter. I have a friend in Florida whose mother threw her down the stairs when my friend was a toddler. She ended up wearing a body cast to correct a damaged spine from the abuse. Years later, as a young woman, she tried to find out why her mother did such a brutal thing to her. The mother responded: "Even though people think you have nice legs, I'm still prettier than you." My friend never received an apology or explanation from her mother for all the vicious things she did and said to my friend. And to make matters worse, my friend's father defended his wife no matter what she did! Her mother is dead now and my friend is left with so many questions and conflict. She's concluded that her mother was just plain EVIL. And nothing my friend did or did not do could have stopped her mother's cruelty.

Horror stories like this are why people come to forums like these. We, who have been targets of tormentors and were never able to achieve closure with our abusers, find connection and understanding here. Although no amount of talking (in person or online) can erase the despicable treatment we've endured, we can begin to heal through the sharing of our common grief. There are a million words to describe rotten behavior and no matter what words are used to define your mother, the truth is that she hurt you and she isn't sorry, ashamed, or regretful for her words and actions. It's doubtful that she will ever change!

Loveguetta, it's such a shame what you've been through. I feel very sad for your suffering. Maybe I've been able to offer you some comfort or insight by what I've written. I hope so. Just know that you're not alone.


Sincerely,
mouton


*************Loveguetta, you wrote that you mimicked your mother's reaction to tragic events by laughing at them. Do you still do this?

Mouton,

thank you for your reply. It did help me. I used to think that if I could name my mother's illness it would give me some sort of magical way
to react differently to her or help her. I looked at it sort of like if we go to the doctor and are told we have the flu and what medicine to take.
With mental illness, since there is not a cure, only I can try to heal myself.

I am sorry about what happened to your friend, that is a very sad, horrible story. Some people inflict the most abuse possible and do not feel any regrets.
In response to your question, when something bad happens, often my initial response or nervous reaction is almost to laugh, but I stop myself. The other thing about having such an ill mother is that I'm always worried I'll turn into her. I am less emotional than most women I know.

What is your story?

Hi Loveguetta!

It's a good sign that you stop yourself before you respond inappropriately. Your conscious awareness and ability to "tell on yourself" (being very honest) is a strong indicator that you will not become like your mother. She behaves like she does because she never acquired an emotional check valve. In plumbing, a check valve permits a flow in one direction only. An emotional check valve allows a person to react in a kind way. When someone responds to an injury, loss, or grief of another person with compassion, that reponse becomes a bridge to our shared humanity. We feel what the other person is feeling...we empathize.

Your mother deliberately goes in the wrong direction. She is probably well aware of her hurtful behavior. And what's worse than her intentional cruelty, is the delight she takes in it! The evidence of her delight is her unwillingness to apologize and feel badly for being mean to you. My dad is a mean narcissist. He is happiest when he makes someone cry. Here is an example of his cruelty: He promised gifts to three people who really cared about him. When they were all together, my dad gave gifts to two of the people, but laughed in the third person's face and said: "You don't deserve a gift from me." He had no reason to withhold the gift from the third person. He did it just because he could. He enjoyed the look of hurt, humiliation, and confusion on the person's face. This person was so upset by my dad's emotional abuse, she had to seek conseling for her distress.

Those three people were my two sisters and me. The person not receiving a gift was my younger sister. My dad's intentional cruelty, not only devastated my younger sister, but destroyed enjoyment of the gifts for my other sister and me. A few days later, I went to my dad's house to talk with him about how he hurt my sister. Refusing to listen to the truth of his behavior, he grabbed me by the collar and threw me out of his house. I never saw him or spoke with him after that confrontation for a couple years! That was 4 years ago and he has NEVER apologized to my sister or me. He NEVER will. Such is the reality of an abusive, self-serving, nasty person.

Loveguetta, this is a little of my story. Will share more later. Take care of you.

Wow. It is so uncanny how these personality disordered persons hijack even gift-giving as an opportunity to hurt others or display their one-way obsession with their own needs, wants, etc.

My story is not quite as cruel as the one that you describe, but it was very upsetting. Our family is large and had a gift exchange among siblings. My brother insisted on being part of it, but every year he would clearly run out at the last minute to purchase something usually not even wrapping it for the intended recipient.

The last year we had the gift exchange his partner received a comb, an ice scraper, a lighter, and a six pack of beer all of which had been purchased at the local gas station/"stop and go carry out" on the way to the family Christmas party. When his gift exchange partner (my sister) couldn't contain her disappointment, my brother proceeded to pout and storm about for the remainder of the party. Ridiculous. What a selfish prick.

Hi Mouton, I am sorry you and your sister had to go through that, and that your father is not sorry. It is a part of the disorder, sadly.

Twin, what your brother did to your sister was completely wrong, what a warped sense of gift-giving.

My mother also uses gifts as a weapon to inflict pain on my sister and me so I can definitely relate.

Take care of yourselves.

Hi Twin!
Your brother's lack of consideration in buying gas station gifts is ruthless. Some could argue his side and say: "Well, at least he bought something! It's the thought that counts!" To both of these points of defense I would agree. Yes, he bought something(s). And those somethings were meaningless, insulting purchases. Secondly, it is the thought that counts. Your brother's unwrapped "gifts" conveyed this thought: "You don't matter to me, so any crappy thing I get you is good enough." There is a saying: "Love is in the details." Your brother clearly intended to detail his disgust and disrespect by the pathetic "presents" he gave to your sister. I love your label of him as a selfish prick! LOL


Hi Loveguetta!
These callous, cowardly, cruel people are like cookie-cutter humans. They are so alike in every way, even when it comes to gift-giving. I like how you worded it "warped sense of gift-giving." They don't have a wrapped sense of gift-giving, that's for sure!

I hope this season of love and joy will be happy and healthy for both of you.

You said (about your mother): "She also does this strange thing. She will talk bad about me to others, In FRONT of me???? As if I'm not there."

My mother did that. She also would call my grade school teacher, the HS principal or counselor, my violin teacher, etc, and let loose with a tirade of abuse "about" me...really terrible stuff-- nothing normal, nothing that any parent would say about their kid even if they were a cozy friend of the teacher. No. Really rotten stuff like "she's the spawn of Satan, I know what she's REALLY like, A couple people thought well, if her own MOTHER says this stuff it must be true. But more than a few of these adults recognized that she was just crazy. NO one ever came right out and told me "you're mom is abusing you" - what they did was ask me to come to their office, or stay behind in the classroom, and then privately tell me they understood that I was having some problems at home, that my mother overreacted to things, yadda--and just let me know they were in my corner. What's funny, is that at the time, I felt Humiliated by this, and I DIDN'T KNOW "WHAT" my problem at home, exactly WAS....I didn't understand about ABUSE.
My mother sounded nuts and her nasty descriptions of me weren't even logical, by any stretch of the imagination!--but I didn't recognize that she had no right to do this to me. Figured that somehow or other, I had displeased her, and I was just too stupid to figure out how.

Well of course I couldn't. She assigned impossible chores, a mountain of tasks and only an hour or 1/2 hr to do them in, exactly so she could use my "being disobedient and didn't complete them on time", as justification for verbal abuse, to mask it. In my HS years her abuse grew so wacky, people were embarrassed for me and tried to stop her in polite ways, to no avail.

Abusive people NEED to abuse others. Demeaning you, feeds their egos. It's their only method for obtaining feelings of security/safety.

When an abusive person becomes accustomed to dumping on the same person over and over (you), it becomes a strong habit, like a drug habit. A Once-a-day Meal isn't enough, and they start helping themself to little abuse "snacks" between meals. It gives them such a boost, feels so GOOD to do it, that they can't resist! It overrides their usual cautions about acting normal, keeping the mask of normalcy on.

You keep wanting to believe that your mom, despite being verbally vicious, undermining, belittling, cripplingly critical,etc, still...on some level...LOVES you, cuz your her kid. AND, she actually tells you at times, that she does, and that everything she does is in your best interests or for your own good. She uses the language of kind-hearted (non-abusive) mom's, to mask her mistreatment of you and try to cast it as 'normal.'

It was a long time before I really understood it. But understanding, helps.
Good luck digesting your personal history.



Kate

Kate -

First of all, let me say I'm so sorry about what you've gone through. One thing that resonated with me is when you said:

Abusive people NEED to abuse others. Demeaning you, feeds their egos. It's their only method for obtaining feelings of security/safety.

This is so true and I think it explains why my brother reacts so strongly when I changed the rules and would no longer take it. He needs to abuse people. He needs to exploit people. He knows no other way of meeting his needs.

Hi Twin,

Thanks for your reply. Sorry for my tardiness replying back to you. I only just today noticed the 'My Stuff' arrow and figured out how to access my own posts. duh.

But about your brother and the crummy gifts... I would sure want to exclude him from the annual family gift exchange. If you have family members who insist he be included, maybe you could fix it so that one of them becomes his gift-exchange pal.

Psychopaths totally lack the mental equipment to empathize with others. Having NO perception of how gift-givers and gift-recipients FEEL, they also have NO ability to figure out appropriate or delightful gifts for anyone. They don't believe "emotional reasoning" even exists! They believe everyone just makes "wild guesses" when choosing gifts to buy. What may or may not appeal to others, doesn't matter to them; heck, other PEOPLE don't matter to them!-except as audience, suppliers, or targets.

I learned from years of marriage to a psychopath.(I've been divorced for 10 years.) He detested holidays and gift-giving. He was INCAPABLE of having even the remotest interest in DELIGHTING our children, myself, or anyone, with a gift. His disinterest tarnished all birthdays and holidays. When my daughter was 5 and my son 3, I asked my husband to take them out shopping for a gift for my birthday. He bought a really ugly coffee mug with an "ass" painted on it so when you drank from it your lips were on the butt-crack), and it also had some vulgar quip printed on the side about fart-sucking. It was repellent and NOT my idea of a birthday gift from anyone, least of all from my sweet little kids. When I opened the box and saw it, it was like a slap in the face. My daughter blurted out (looking very unhappy), "WE wanted to get you a PRETTY cup with blue flowers on it but Daddy wouldn't let us- he made us get THIS one and said you'd like it better because it was a JOKE, but I knew you wouldn't." I told the kids, "You were right, I don't care for this one; we'll just take it back and exchange it for the pretty one that you wanted to get for me." And we did. The psychopath disowned that he'd done anything wrong, said "It's not my fault that you don't think it's funny." After that, I always arranged for other people to take my kids out to gift-shop for me. He was no better with purchases for our children; I bought their gifts.


One of the most helpful things about this forum is the affirmation I get from experience others share. Psychopaths all draw from the same bag of tricks. I didn't mention in my previous post, that the abuse I got conditioned to from my mother while I was growing up, put me at high risk for marrying a psychopath. Yep...and I did. Textbook classic case. Conditioned to viewing emotional abuse as an expression of LOVE, I was blind to his incapacity for genuine empathy and love. I was married to him for 26 years; getting myself and the kids free from him was very difficult. But that's another story.