Really don't know where to start with this, but I need some advice.

After trying to protect a close family member from The Psychopath, I had to cut the family member loose.

It's not a decision I took lightly. In fact, I had a breakdown over it. I'm still recovering from the breakdown. I tried everything to protect the close family member, but I realized (instinctively at first, then intellectually) that the Psychopath already had his claws stuck in. It was incredible how quickly and easily it happened.

I'm worried about the close family member. They're very vulnerable, and I know only too well how The Psychopath operates and what he will do. The last time I talked to the close family member they knew they were caught. There was a moment of utter lucidity and pain on their part in amongst this weird cotton wool state of being, which was totally excruciating to witness.

My only hope is that when The Psychopath starts painting me as the evil, vindictive bitch, there will be a tiny voice in my close family member's head that says 'but she's not like that. I know her and she's not like that'. I remember such a moment with The Psychopath and it was the tiniest glimmer of me in this bleak, desolate, no man's land which I inhabited.

A very old family friend, who knows something of The Psychopath but doesn't know about his true nature, or the damage he has caused, wrote to me at Christmas. I was happy to hear from this friend, but they said that they hadn't heard from the close family member (not since we argued).

I'm wondering if I should say something to the very old family friend? Ask them to keep an eye out for the close family member? Tell them the danger that the close family member is in? Tell them the truth about The Psychopath? The truth is very shocking, and there are not many people that I know who have been able to deal with it, so I am cautious of what I say to people.

I don't know what to do.

My counsellor has told me time and time again that I must save myself. So I am very reluctant to rock the boat now that I have found this tiny oasis of calm and tranquility where I can start to piece myself and my life back together.

Oh Starry -

I can completely relate to your post. My situation is very similar. About 2 years ago, my then 81 y/o mother was suffering from depression and anxiety so I took her to the doctor. When the doctor asked her about her activities and she said that she couldn't always get out of the house because my brother took her car and she couldn't always get it back, I nearly fell off of my chair. She said, "I let him borrow it a few weeks ago and I can't get it back."

After the appointment the nurse took me aside and asked me, "Who's BLANK? Your mom is always talking about him and how he doesn't have any money."

I talked to my mom about this later and she claimed, "I've got to do what I can to keep him working." When I explained to her that his apartment was about 2 miles from his place of part-time employment and on the bus route, she seemed practically resistant to this suggestion. I also talked to him and explained that it was too much pressure for her to be financially responsible for a grown adult. When I told him that her having access to her own car was vital for her to maintain her independence, he replied: "If she needs it back all she has to do is ask." Confronting him on his arrogant reply did no good. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure that he told her that I attacked him.

She is so afraid of him that she yelled at me for upsetting him.

And then last year, my mom fell and fractured a bone in her pelvic area. What did he do? While the rest of us were visiting her daily, he took her car and crashed it. We found out that he had continued to drive her car and furthermore, she was paying for his insurance and probably gas too.

While she was recovering, he visited her only rarely. He did manage to go to her home, eat her food, and leave it a mess until he was confronted by my sister. He's always had a strangle-hold on her emotionally and his recent diagnosis of cancer has kind of sealed the deal.

Over the summer, he got bed bugs. He refused to face it and even refused offers from several family members to pay for extermination. We told him that it would be best that he not come over to visit her until he had the bed bugs under control and his response was, "you can't tell me what to do."

What has been most mind-boggling, dizzy-ing, and devastating is that she defends him and sometimes even attacks us when we don't buy his cons. I know he has his clutches in her already and I am trying to see her as a victim in this, but it is very painful when she attacks me while defending him.

I want to have a relationship with her because in so many ways she has been a loving mother to me. She's loving and he has exploited it. I'm learning through therapy to be able to focus on my visits with her rather than focus on "saving her."

Here is some of the discussion on this earlier.

http://www.psychopath-research.com/forum/ubbthreads.php/topics/9330/1

My brother has not been overtly violent. Instead, he becomes agitated and escalates just to the point of violence. He's also surfed for porn on her computer and seemed ambivalent when he was confronted about it.

Hmm, that does sound like violence to me.

It's the threat of violence. And the fear that he engenders by using that threat. I bet he can gauge exactly how much fear there is on your part, and how much he might need to wratchet up that fear in order to get you where he wants you to be. He is in perfect control of that threat.

It's very psychologically and emotionally violent. The kind of violence that does not leave a visible mark, but which is very scarring.

And porn...well that's all about metaphotically chopping someone to pieces, so that they're reduced to their individual body parts and stripped of their hopes and dreams and their souls. It's all about reducing someone to an object, which is what psychopaths do.

It makes sense that violence and porn should go together.

I don't know what the answer is here. I'm sorry.

Hi starry, welcome to the forum.

Porn seems to go with every psychopath that I have heard from. Maybe there are a few who aren't but it seems the majority are. Having affairs outside of the relationship is also a common trait which can in some cases wake the victim up, they are smooth talkers so it depends.

The reason for weeding information out of you is simply to provide him with ammunition. Someone once said what they thought was so great was how the psychopath when they first, asked questions and really listened to her, not the same skill pattern of most "regular" men. It is part of the process so later they can use it against the person, for example if you say some relative or ex was an alcoholic, the way it would get flipped would be to accuse the victim of having issues because of it. Ammunition is what it is and only the ugly way that it can be used it will.

Until your relative is ready there isn't much you can do. Has he started the isolation process?

If you are comfortable answering, how did the events unfold that got you in the situation?

Di

I absolutely agree with everything you've said there.

The Psychopath wanted a very specific question answered, relating to me. The Psychopath knew that I was outside his sphere of influence (because I cut off contact with him a while ago, and because I set the boundaries on that occassion). But he obviously really, really needed to find this thing out.

I'm under no illusion that he didn't already know the answer beforehand. I think he was just using my close family relative,a bit like a ventriloquist's dummy, to double check that the conclusion he had got to was right, and ultimately to let me know that he knows.

And that kind of worries me a bit as to what The Psychopath's next move might be. He's someone who can harbor a grudge for many, many years. He's someone who feels wronged by the whole world. You know how it goes.

As regards my close family relative I don't know what's happening. I feel it's too dangerous for me to have The Psychopath so close. I would have to treat the close family member as an extension of The Psychopath and not give my close family relative any information about me at all, as I know The Psychopath would hoover any information straight out of them, if The Psychopath wanted to.

I don't want to give too many details out. I'm sure you understand that

I've thought long and hard about how to answer this without giving too many specific details out.

I think I can say this: to The Psychopath it doesn't make any difference if the person he targets is a partner, wife, family member, or child.

And I think I can say this too: the techniques he uses are always the same, irrespective of who his target is. He has spent his life honing his techniques, and he uses them because they are very effective. I'm sure it's no surprise what they are: deprivation of food and water, deprivation of sleep, isolation, physical violence, sexual violence, death threats.

I hope there's a hell, because he belongs there.

Hi Starry,

There are no rules that anyone has to answer something that makes them uncomfortable. We are here to listen and validate. It is always best to not use names and places.

You are having a tough time so anything we can do to help you through this, please let us know.

Di

Thank you Di.

Most people don't understand how it feels.

Even the psychotherapist I went to see a few months ago, who had absolutely no trouble at all in labelling him a psychopath, couldn't seem to understand how I felt (even though I had absolutely no trouble at all explaining how I felt, and why I felt that way).

There was a point in my session where I was sitting opposite to her and it was like there was a gulf of a million miles separating us. She could understand intellectually what had happened, she understood that perfectly well, but she had no idea of how it felt and how I felt.

So much sadness, so much grief, so much distance separating me from the rest of the world.

Is this the 'new normal' (as my counsellor described it)? This...where I am now, who I am now?

I hate this. I feel estranged from myself, I don't recognize myself. I don't even know who this person is, but I know (intellectually) that it must be me.

Plodding on, every day, one foot in front of the other. Sometimes reduced to living moment by moment, and just hanging in there, waiting for the heaviness to pass.

I do see that now is better than this time last year, or this time two years ago, or this time three years ago. But the feeling of wading through treacle is there most days. And some days I just feel too overwhelmed to do anything.

Is this it? Is this it for the rest of my life? Is this the 'new normal'?

Why does he get away with it all...all? No punishment, no prison, nothing. And I have this to deal with?

Stop

Hello Starry,

I did read your post a few days ago about housework. If I remember correctly, you said it was a struggle to get up and get moving in the morning. You mentioned that it is difficult to stay on top of household responsibilities. I can relate. I think perhaps the the overall lack of motivation and energy is a big side effect of depression. My home gets to varying degrees of messiness as well.

Another theory I have is in relation to the codependent dynamics involved in a relationship with a psychopath. When we were involved with the psychopath, all of our priorities shifted. In typical codependent fashion, the other person's needs come first, and our own personal priorities take the back burner. Whether the personal priorities are finances, household chores, or anything else, it all comes second. We get used to this skewed sense of priorites when we are involved with the psychopath, simply because they drain so much of our time and energy.

The lifestyle adaptations, and priority changes that occur in unhealthy relationships somethimes will stay with us, even long after we end the unhealthy relationship. (Perfect example: childhood trauma, and the unidentified ways it can affect us into adulthood.)

So the answer to the messy house is a little more involved than an extra boost of willpower. Take a step back and look at the big picture. What is currently draining your personal energy? Untreated depression? Excess anxiety? indulgences in substances? Codependent focus on another person? Somewhere in your life, it is likely that your energy is being drained.

It is not uncommon for the effects of the relationship with the psychopath to linger, even years later. There is hope. Tell yourself it will not be this way forever. Identify where your energy is being drained, and then try to slowly reclaim it. If it is depression, than consider trying some medication. Consider some counseling. They can help you identify the unhealthy circumstances that led to the priority shift. It could be as simple as low self esteem. Perhaps the psychopath bruised your confidence to the point where you just don't feel that you are worth having a clean organized home. Perhaps coming home to the mess is making you more depressed, than the more depressed you feel, thats even less energy and motivation.

In psychology it does seem that things run in cyles (ex. the cycle of abuse). Try to figure out what cycle you are stuck in. When did you lose control of your organization? What was going on in your life when things started to slip? What was going on in your life when it got the most out of control? It might help to identify those things. It also seems that psychological or spiritual healing occurs as a backwards process. I have heard the healing process compared to a big tangle of knots, where each knot needs to be untied one at a time. I have also heard of healing compared to peeling off the layers of an onion, one peice at a time. Accept that it may be a discovery process in your mind and heart and that it might not get "fixed" overnight.

Ponder over my thoughts, and let me know what you think. How do the above scenario's fit into your story, into your life?

Don't give up. Remember, you do have the power to change. You do have the strength to heal. The spirit can be strengthened and restored.

Until everything gets sorted out or until the situation is more under control, cut yourself some slack. And try to take good care of yourself, body and mind, even if you are disappointed and disgusted that you let the mess pile up.
I would rather sit and sulk in an organized house, than sit in a spotless home while some psychopath destroys my soul! Im just saying, at least you removed yourself from that nasty relationship.

If you are able to scrounge up a tiny bit of motivation, say a half an hour worth, try working on a tiny project. Maybe throw out the junk mail from the pile. Organize the shoes on the bottom of your closet. Wash, fold, and put away three days worth of clothes. Just something to start. And when you do, you will feel a small sense of acomplishment.

You are not alone. You are not the only person recovering from a loss of priorities, a loss of self. Things will change, but only one day at a time. Things did not get this way over night, and they will not be fixed over night. But every day is a new day. Try to look at each morning as a new start, a small token of hope. You will get there.



Edited by Violet (01/20/11 07:59 AM)

Hi Starry, if this isn't the thread where you would like Violet's post to be, please send me an email and I will make any changes you wish. I may have already put it on another thread also since it was so late at night doing so.

Di

Violet,

Thank you very much for your support and kind words. I am so far behind getting things organized my head spins;) We have a very high amount of people who will or can only read due to PTSD and fear so I feel it is important that information be easy to find. My only wish that whoever crosses our door will find the answers they seek. Readers come from all over the world, one of the most active referrals comes from Korea, I need to translate the magazine now that it is easier to do in order to confirm that.

I am always available to any questions or comments.

Di

Thank you, thank you!

I just find it so difficult to cope with things. It all becomes totally overwhelming really quickly.

I'm feeling OK today, not too bad. Housework terrible though, I've not even managed to do the washing up. I'm going to make an effort tomorrow though. Maybe just set myself the goal of doing the washing up and hanging up the washing from the machine.

I'm hoping that if I keep trying at those two things, washing up and washing, they will become easy to do. And then I can add some other part of housework into it and keep trying at that until it becomes easy to do.

I've also started to try and reach out and make some friends over the past year. The isolation has been one of the worst parts of it all. There are a couple of people that know what's happened, most don't have a clue and wouldn't ever even begin to imagine. I have managed to help a couple of people who have had similar experiences in the past, or are finding themselves in a similar experience at present. I'm really proud of that.

Hope I haven't upset anybody with what I've said.

Ah yes, I hadn't made that connection. And all my energy over the past four years has been dedicated to trying to understand what happened. I think I'm there now. I have my story, my version of events, even thought there are great big spells of traumatic amnesia.





I hadn't made that connection either. I think for me, it's definitely anxiety about my job and how much longer I will have it. I've lived with that stress for about two years now. Another anxiety is how little money I have. I had a breakdown a couple of years ago, and had to use my savings to live off while I fell apart.

I'm almost at the point where I think I can cope with a bit of temping (just a week here and there), which would give me a little extra money and a bit more of a cushion, build up my savings a little again.





Yes, other family members are still very clearly seriously affected almost half a century on.





Low self esteem is definitely a factor. I don't think I had much self esteem anyway. I was thinking about this the other day, and what an easy target I must have been. Not that there is anything wrong with that - the responsibility for committing the crime lies with him. It just made me feel really sad for the person I was, for the abuse of vulnerability and innocence.





I like the idea of slowly untangling the knot. I'm very patient and I'm never daunted by the size of an undertaking.




Thank you for your words of hope. I went to speak to a psychotherapist a few months back. She understood perfectly well what kind of person he was/is, but she couldn't understand the strength it had taken to survive and get away. I told her that that was my starting point, and that I most definitely wasn't the 'lucky victim' she was making me out to be.





Thank you. I will definitely try and keep all those things in mind. I used to be a real hard working, high achiever. I'm more than a bit confused by the person that I seem to have become at this point.

Hello Starry,

Hope the past few days have brought you some strength. Have you had any luck keeping up with the washing? You can reclaim your happiness, and reclaim the order in your home, but you have to work on it. How much effort are you willing to make? How unhappy are you with the condition of your home? Unhappy enough to make some changes? You can reach out, and there will be others to help you along the way. But ultimately, it is your choice. When do you want to get started? Could it be today?

Are you feeling helpless? Understand there have been many many people before us who have made massive changes in their lives. Some by choice, others because there was no other option. Regardless, try to respect the power of our potential to change as people. It is there for all of us. It just needs to be tapped in to. I am telling you, it is there. Try to get over the mental block that says, "you can't" do something. Those days are over. I am telling you, "Yes Starry! You can do this!"

Thank you. It has been a little easier over the past couple of weeks, to do the washing up easily and unthinkingly.

I think I just have so much trouble coping with everyday life: getting up, making myself presentable, work, actively listening to other people and taking part in society, watching out for triggers and panic attacks and dealing with those, paying bills, trying not to spend too much money, supporting the people I know and work with.

All those things were, well, I just did them all as a matter of course (apart from the PSTD), without even thinking twice about them.

I feel like someone who has had a stroke and has to learn to walk again. Even doing something as simple as walking round the block becomes a major challenge, and a major achievement.

I feel really lost and confused at this 'new landscape' I find myself in. I don't recognize myself and I don't recognize how I react to things. It's like I've had a personality transplant.

From the outside you would never guess that all this is going on in my life. From the outside all you see is a very calm and organized person, who always looks very well presented, working at a number of jobs and doing really well at all of them.

Just got to keep plodding on I guess, one day at a time.

Hi Starry, am I reading this right that this professional didn't validate your experience:



If this is what I am reading think about the blow that must have taken to seek help, professional at that and not receive any validation.

I am sorry you had to sit there and listen to those words.

Di

It was such a weird experience. I knew she understood intellectually what sort of a person he was, but I so totally knew that she didn't have any experience at all of someone like that.

And I also knew that if she had actually been confronted by someone like that, she would have been suckered in, kept in suspended animation and slowly hoovered out, before she'd even had time to cross her legs.

So she had no idea of what is needed to survive someone like that, and as a consequence she wasn't able to validate my feelings of anger. There was a point where she lost control of the session with me, and it was when she asked me 'but how do you actually feel?', and my answer was 'I would nuke the ******'.

We ended the session talking about self harm. She asked me if/what I'd done about self harming. I told her a whole range of things (which I see as an expression of anger and pain, but also as a way of altering my state of mind). And she either ignored them or denied them. That spoke volumes about her attitude and feelings towards me.

Those sessions were all about her, about her inability to cope with my reality. I've come across that so many times in the medical profession, pretty much with every medical practitioner I've ever met. I see that now, after half a lifetime of distance from the original trauma, various breakdowns and a lot of soul searching.

I have an appointment with an Occupational Therapist in a few days. One that deals with trauma, that can hopefully help me to deal with the physical stuff (although I have to say that I've done a lot of work on that myself, over many years). Anyway, we'll see how it goes. I'm always open to learning new things.

I find that only recently does my closest sister fully understand pscyhopathy. My husband kind of gets it, but not completely.

I find therapy very helpful to provide me a place to vent my thoughts and feelings, but I have to agree that my therapist does not fully understand psychopathy or my psychopathic brother's power over my mother.
So there is a kind of isolation that comes with that lack of understanding by other people.

And my brother preys on that kind of isolation.

Hi Starry,

It is a sad reality how some of these people get their degrees. I would like to offer a bit of infomation. If someone asks you about self harm, if you are intending to then ask for help. If you were to just be saying things out loud that you don't mean but are frustrated with they have legal authority to put you on an in voluntary hold for 72 hours. Any time they deem to want to keep you later they have to provide you with an attorney and go before the judge.

If this woman felt that you were in any way even a tiny bit of leaning toward self harm she has the responsibility to report. I guess my words are saying to be careful particularly since there are even professionals who don't get it and could take action against you. It only shows how mixed up the system is, you deserved to be listened to and validated.

Many, many years ago I did work in the convention business. One of the accounts the company had was the Psyc. Assoc. It would be hard to gather so many nut cases in one place without searching the globe. I do not mean to say all professionals are nuts it is just it seems they out number the sane functional ones.

I am very sorry this happpened to you. Like Twin and others it one of the worst yet common thing is for a victim to not be heard or understood and validated.

Di

Thank you so much.

I can hardly believe that such an empathic place as this exists (my husband doesn't really get it either. In fact, it clashes full on with his own world view and really upsets him).

I shall keep those things in mind, although the law might be different from where you are?

Strangely one of the most validating experiences ever for me was going to the police. I was so sure they would laugh at me, or tell me to get lost, but they seemed to understand exactly what kind of person they were dealing with. They treated me with total seriousness and utter respect. I am so grateful to them for such a positive experience, and I try to hold on to that feeling.

Yes, the isolation is crushing at times.

Starry,
The isolation.
I agree.

Whatever you have gone through (or continue to go through), I hope your husband is a source of support for you and can give you any level of solice to gain inner strength?
Trust me, the depth of isolation has no apparent rock bottom when you have NOBODY.
I understand what it is like when there is nobody whom believes you - at least nobody in the physical sense . . . . . to get a few hours a week here and there with counselor a:your own, b: parenting class counselor, c: a crisis interventionist . . . and they 'tune out' hearing what you have been through and negate every aspect of your concerns.

I have been with this group of counselors now 12 weeks and FINALLY they are all beginning to understand and validate what I have been TRYING to get through to them for 3 intensive months of suport. However, all are more focused on 'forgetting the past and moving on' than understanding that I am being re-victimized every day of my life STILL by: my kids whom honestly torture me some days (hopefully the behaviors are just learned from their psychopath dad), relatives whom despite my pointing out the wrong in doing such, keep asking me things like 'well, everybody tried to tell you about him and to get rid of him for decades', school administration whom don't realize I DO monitor schoolwork and actively parent at HIGH levels every day, neighbors whom now just avoid us as my kids are the 'bad kids' and well, anybody we come in contact with?

Of note, I somehow managed to complete my graduate degree, stay in one career for 27 years, have EVERY performance review from every job ever held since I was 14 (all exceed expected standards), have managed over 12 years - groups of 200 employees several years, near perfect credit, other than my divorce - the only 'record' I have is a couple speeding tickets, actively participated in community volunteer programs, was a boy scout den mom for years, soccar mom, etc..... I mean HELLO PEOPLE, I THINK at almost 46 years old I understand how to live life? What more evidence do they need to see or know to justify that SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG HERE and maybe, just maybe, its not ONLY me? Frankly, I have learned a few things through counseling and classes, but nothing of major revelation that has or is helping me with my day to day problems.

I am relieved that I now have a name for my monster. The evidence supporting the idea is overwhelming. No 'red flags' with my psychopath - I have SIRENS, lol. They are now sold in their agreement (after they researched my facts) that he [quote] 'more than likely has a personality disorder of significant degree' (sigh). It was kind of funny when I mentioned some more of his family trivia for them today: brother has spent all but like 19 or 22 of his 51 years incarcerated for crimes against children, cousin is a WestPoint graduate and was employed with the US government doing something with intelligence and murdered a prostitute overseas. I could write a book on my sicko psychopath, but alas . . . .

. . . . it appears it is irrelevant and the HELL I have endured for 30 years is where I shall stay.
And so I sit here in my house - a large house - in my bedroom - day in and out.
My isolation gets worse every week.
I am a mere ghost of the being I was for 45 years.
It is nice that now people understand what I have been through and appreciate the validity of my experiences.
But they don't 'really know'.
There is really nobody in my area to talk to and certainly, nobody whom sees to know how to help me.

Last week, there was a mother whom killed her two teenagers in my state.
I could not imagine taking anybody's life - most especially your own babies' lives?
But I would be lying if I said I never thought or think about how nice it would be to not have to 'do this' anymore.
I hold on every day - status quo - and pray a lot.

See?
Could be worse (shrug)

I'm really sorry for what you've been through, and for what brought you here.

I'm not sure if it really helps to say that anyone's situation or pain is worse than anyone else's. I haven't really said what I went through, haven't given any details, and deliberately so. Let me just say this goes back a long, long time...decades. So please, please don't tell me it could be worse.

Hi Starry,
Oh my - I was truly not trying to minimize your trauma and if that was what came through, I did not intend that at all - honestly. I meant it light heartedly not whatsoever to negate your pain.
I am sorry and sincerely apologize and in no way meant to allude that your suffering was less than any other's or that mine was any greater.

The fact you are here establishes your pain and you have every right to feel it.
For every victim, no pain could be worse than what we experience.
But I am empathetic that my hell must pale in comparision to some (many) others. I tell myself everyday "I am alive".

Honestly, I can't imagine the long lasting devastation a child of a psychopath must endure - a childhood in the absence of two loving and nurturing parents? To be cheated of one of life's fundamental and basic need (the love of a parent) is heart wrenching. People such as yourself give me strength in understanding the degree of this tragedy. As I stated to you in my other post to you (under referral, advice . .) you have a beautiful heart. The child of the psychopath parent with such a heart must have incredible strength. The devastation I have witnessed with my children makes me angry at times for the legions of children whom have suffered with a psychopath parent - and for those who surely will continue to suffer. I cannot help but feel great sorrow for you and the millions whom might never even have known what a psychopath is - whom have or had nothing to attribute the madness to? Even worse, when people do know, like yourself, and cannot get the appropriate validation/understanding from those in positions of support. Recovery is so hard enough and in order to make progress in recovery, we need that validation from our support systems. Doesn't it always feel like we are 'fighting' for our minds/souls? First we are traumatized, then we try to protect ourselves during the abuse, we isolate because our defense mechanisms/coping skills are shattered, we struggle to separate (if even possible for some?), and then have to endure re-victimization in trying to be heard/validated in order to help ourselves get healthy. Its such a vicious cycle.

When there are other parents, siblings, children, friends, employers, business partners (etc) involved, there are co-existing cycles within cycles. I wonder all the time for those of us whom are either directly related or have children with them (a forever connection there) if it ever really ends? My psychopath's mother, my ex-mother in law and very dear lifetime friend, has preached to me for 28 years "the stress and pain he puts you through will last as long as you let it." As you well know though, sometimes, words are just words, right? How DO you deal with all that goes with having a psychopath parent (or how have you)? You are very strong. If you feel comfortable sharing, do you have any insight/advice you could share with kids in the same situation you were/are in?

I hope you can trust that my true intention was merely sharing?
From your posts, it appears we may be experiencing very similar effects in our 'aftermath'. (more than you might think)
If I am correct in my assumptions, I think we could learn from each other.
I hope I haven't dissappointed you or lost your trust?
Again, I apologize and hope to hear back from you.
Take good care.

Thank you so much for your kind reply.

I have read it. I am going to think it all over, but I want to have a cry first.

Just wanted to acknowledge your reply and thank you for it meantime.

Right now I have so much going through my mind that I'm pretty sure that this is going to sound disjointed.

I'm struck with a lot of grief right now because I'm realizing all of the ways that I was impacted by being raised with a brother who is a psychopath and with 3 other brothers who have bi-polar disorder, alcoholism, etc.

My whole life has been made up of pathologically putting others needs first. Why? Because there was no room in our family for normal needs. It was all about making sure "he" and "they" didn't get upset. I was raised in a house where violence, lying, manipulating, and head games were the standard responses to stress. I was raised in a family where every person's minor or major accomplishment was polluted by their blow ups because "he" and "they" couldn't stand other family members getting a small amount of attention.

So sometimes I felt guilty for my accomplishments because truly "he" and "they" couldn't handle them. I graduated from college and my mom had a party for me. What happened? They got into a fist fight right before our extended family came over. What was it about? Nothing really. My sister graduated from college six months later and opted to not have one rather than risk them marring her special day with their outbursts. So even know, I find myself downplaying my accomplishments or the accomplishments of my kids because I am used to an equation that reads something like . . . accomplishment = melt down.

I know that I put up with emotional abuse in relationships because I was raised to think that my needs didn't matter and my feelings didn't matter. The only person's needs that mattered were his needs and his wants. It was always about him and them. So looking back, it isn't a surprise that when I was molested that I didn't say anything. Why? I was molested because I was an easy target. I didn't tell in part because they were so consumed with him. I remember thinking: "They are dealing with him right now. My parents can't take another thing so I'll just deal with it myself." How sick is it that at some level I knew that his needs were more important than my needs as a molested girl....s crime victim. And the pity is that it wasn't that he was going through a crisis: nope. It was just how he lived. He didn't want to work full-time so he didn't have money to pay his bills. So my parents were in a tizzy deciding whether or not to bail him out. It just didn't end with that. It wasn't just until he got on his feet. He had mastered to trick -- engaged them enough to see his need and to see him as a victim. It's been like this for as long as I can remember and it will always bee this way.

Oh my God, your post makes so much sense!

Yes!!!! He's never really bothered to work. He's painted himself as the victim. Other women/people in the family have always supported him. I never saw that/understood that. I always thought he was just a drop out, but it was all much more calculated than that.

That's a revelation, thank you.

I will think some more on everything that you said there.

I'm sorry if I've not been back to this thread. Things have been incredibly stressful of late, and it's really triggered the physical symptom side of my PSTD. But I'm working on it and can hopefully share in a couple of weeks.

Thank you for acknowledging the post Starry. I hope you have some peace in the next few weeks.

I have had a particularly bad bought of PTSD over the past month.

With really amazing timing my appointment with the OT for the trauma I suffered at the hands of my dad came up earlier in the week. I hadn't even given it much thought as I'd been so unwell, especially in the past 10 days, but I had my first session and I think we're going to be able to work with each other.

I've been really concentrating on slowing my breathing and trying to stop my heart from pounding so hard in the last couple of days. It's having very positive effects already.

I'll hopefully be able to reply in more detail to your kind posts on my thread soon.