It is. I think you're absolutely spot on.




I think that the uncomfortable can provide some really interesting insights. At the moment, the thing I'm really uncomfortable with is my anger. Actually, I'd better describe it as rage. I want to kill my dad for what he did to me. I'm uncomfortable with it for a lot of reasons: background and upbringing, but also the fear that I might end up like him, that I might get caught up in his game and that I might perpetuate the cycle.

My OT has told me that fear and anger are connected. I have no trouble tapping into the fear and talking about that (I would say that dominates my life pretty much). But the anger...well, that's another matter entirely. I would rather not go into that, but it's an opportunity really. Just as I've come to realize that there are many gradations and types of fear through exploring that, there must be many gradations and types of anger. And at its most basic level, it's an emotion with a huge amount of energy attached to it. So what about being able to channel that huge amount of energy into something constructive and positive? I don't know...I'm really at the start of this whole train of thought so I'm not sure where it's going and what it's about.




I think that's a huge thing to say. A very positive thing to say.

A lot of the time I really can't be bothered to take healthy care of myself, because I don't think I'm worth it. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Anyway, I hope that helps, in some kind of way

[quote[One thing I want out of all this is to be better able to take healthy care of myself so I need to learn to practice this as I go along! I hope I remember to heed myself... and I hope my friends remind me.[/quote]

I think at the end of the tunnel there is indeed a rainbow, not another train rushing toward you.

In time I think you will know and your friends will support you and not have to remind you. You will know.

I discovered that hurt can be my trigger toward anger.

This is a paraphrase of an old Zen saying:

Stand in the muddy water until the water becomes clear.

Sometimes I wish we could fly to the ending point being true happiness but life takes things step by step.

A lesson not learned is a lesson that will surely repeat itself. Digging deep is tough work, you are showing so much in your wanting to reach out and every single member is here either by writing or by reading and wishing you the best in life and to be even a small part of your journey toward peace and understanding.

Di

Note, I have the software set so the (Psychopath) words convert and unfortunately I am not that swift about this software so I muddle along;)

Hi Starry,
Thanks for your comments.
As for healthy care and being "worth it", two big central aspects of recovery and I'll get to them when timely. In the meantime there's a message for me in every post/response I've read it says ...!
Leave it to you to fiil in
Cheers - Newboy.

Hi there again all,
I think I need to take a break here. I'm finding it just so hard. It takes me ages to make a posting, to marshall my thoughts and then get written coherently. There is just so much pain and turmoil here I think I need to take some time to let my emotions settle & become a bit clearer. Thank you for all your support. Your care is important to me. I will keep in touch some when there is more to say.
In the meantime - My thanks, Newboy

Hi newboy, breaks can be healthy for us, we can normally only process great pain at our own pace.

My thoughts and best wishes to you on your journey, Our community is always here for you to help in any way possible.

Di

One very positive thing...you know your own limits and you're able to verbalize them to others. I admire you for that.

I hope that I didn't upset you with anything I said. Apologies if I did.

Take care

Hi Starry,
No upset, no apology required!
It's just what I need for now. Must say that I am somewhat less agitated than when I came to this site and I believe the support I've had here is playing a part.
appreciations - Newboy

Hello there,
I want to post something again now. Something for me and something for you. Firstly I want to say that when I came upon this site I was in a hell of a mess. I just couldnt understand why I should feel so overwhelmed, such turmoil in my feelings after taking a clear & positive step in my life! - could see some painful & difficult times to face but all in all a simpler clearer life ahead and moving quietly on into that. Not so. I was hit by a bombshell! Reaction. I think I have expressed already the distress in all that - shock, fear, confusion. Not known.
Well, I am moving on thru that now.
Since taking a break here I quite quickly realised it was just that, shock, reaction -to 20 yrs of stress & struggle with my pet psychopath and all that goes with that, I think perhaps something like post traumatic stress? (dont know whether that is the correct term but it does make sense to me.) Quite acceptable, quite understandable - and so I have gone with that and begun to grieve. There is a long way to go, much to reflect on & grieve. Hurt, anger sadness disappointment coming out bit by bit and I'm letting it. I've been going to the beach each day when the kids are in school and spending a few hours there just walking, mostly in the shallows, sometimes round the rocks sometimes just laying down, just letting myself be and my feelings, thoughts be. There are places I can go when I want privacy, if I want to stamp & roar & places to go when I want to see people. Its very nice if they greet me, nod or smile. It touches me at my core - where my "person" lives. And affirms me. Its Lovely. - so simple - so lovely. Living with a psychopath or being involved with a psychopath seems to "attack" this very place and produces such profound discomforts and desolation - its like our very being is under attack. And the effect it has on us all is so.... -dont know what the word is... Its one of the things that we all seem to have in common, every member, every thread. Its the thing about psychopaths "victims" that "non-victims" cannot understand, cannot relate to. Professionals too. That "damage".
Its the unique thing that makes this forum SO valuable, the acceptance and understanding of people that have been there.
And its why I am here.
And that leads me to what I wanted to say at the begining.
That the welcome I was given when I came here and the kind, gentle goodwill I was offered by all, I have somehow carried with me and has somehow carried me too, thru this difficult bit
Many many Thanks. - Newboy.

Hello Newboy, it is very kind of you to check in, we will always be here for you. I must have been asleep at the wheel since I used to have information in the Resources Section for PTSD. I don't recall any member over the years from getting away or being with a Psychopath not having PTSD. There seems to be a pattern beyond PTSD how the body can break down after long term exposure. I will fix the links to more information when I get home later.

We always encourage members who find information interesting in a "locked" area like Resources to just copy over here what you would like to clarify, validate or have questions about.

You are in our thoughts.

Di


PTSD Information

Thank you Di,

I have skimmed through the info posted on PTSD and can see that this applies to me. I will definitely study more closely and take this in to account as I progress in my healing. I can see that long term exposure to psychopath will produce effects in my/our lives that could easily be taken for granted because they have been there so long they have become part of what is normal. That relief from the influence of the psychopath, the "no contact" is not the same as healing. It gives us time space and energy to get about healing.

I want to find healing. I want to come out of this stronger, wiser and a better friend to myself.
Have been getting some glimpses of episodes and events from all thru my life that have not been properly dealt with, that true healing has to include all these as well.

At present I am just reflecting deeply and letting what comes up, come up and be. This seems good for now. Not yet able to focus for any length of time on any particular strand cos too much on my mind.
But I've got some peace, and functioning again!

One thing thats interesting is that in the contact we do have (by phone) I hardly get caught up at all, It just serves as a reminder that I am dealing with a full blown Psychopath and reinforces me in my resolve to move away!

I am aware that I haven't told my story here yet and you'se couldn't be sure she is truly psychopathic or not . Well I will get to that, I want to but still very scared in here and unable to focus etc for now.
One thing that could help: Is it possible to change the title of this thread to "My wife - a psychopath"? Its a small thing really but seems an important distinction - she is only one and she is not the only psychopath to figure in my life. If thats not easy I will work around what we've got.

Well I started out here to write a brief response and thank you and look whats happened - feels like I've covered a lot of ground.

My best regards - Newboy