Hello,
I have just registered here and have been reading through some of the discussions about psychopaths in the family, and many of the things people have written here have struck a chord. I can associate with the feelings expressed here- of isolation, shame, guilt, low self-esteem, paranoia, doubts of one's sanity, (which seems to be a common trick- 'you are the mad/bad/dangerous one, not me...') but most importantly, recovery, bravery, and self-awareness.

Something that I associated with is the sensation that you cannot discuss this with many people, a kind of fear of self-revelation, because most other people will recoil either in sympathy, disbelief, or horror. I have always been very wary of telling people, even those close to me, about my childhood and resulting damage. I don't know if others have sensed this, but often people think you are being dramatic, inventing things for attention, or you are seeing yourself as a victim. Mostly they don't believe you. It was helpful to come across a quotation about experiencing a kind of Hell others don't even have nightmares about. I was also brought up to believe that discussing emotions is for 'weak people'.

Reading some of your stories, I see how lucky I have been to have a very strong and supportive relationship with my mother, when many of you have had your entire family turned against you, or are dealing with more than one psychopath, because believe me, one is more than enough for anyone to handle! I would like to write down what has happened to me. I have been able to discuss this with a few close friends, and to reach a safe level of intimacy which has helped me greatly, but I feel I am still a long way from resolving all of this mess, a mess it is helpful, though it makes me sad, to see other people are dealing with as well.

I come from a traditional middle class, British background, and the psychopath in the family is my step-father, who married my mother when I was a toddler. My mother was a single mother, and my biological father moved abroad then died when I was young. My stepfather is a typical British conservative, respectable to all extents, and was looking for a trophy wife, and to have children, when we suspect he knew he was gay at the time. My mother was a good choice: she was young, innocent, a nice person, had been abused as a child, so was a good victim for him. For many years we were the 'perfect' family. They had 2 more sons, my half brothers, though my father (I will call him my father as he became the closest I had to a father) was really only interested in the firstborn. He has a ridiculous, old-fashioned English value-system- titles, first born sons, aristocracy, reputation, women must be fragrant and submissive, children are to be seen and not heard kind of nonsense. You may have read about characters like this in novels. He is too incredible to be true most of the time, but at all times amusing and entertaining, you can't help but get dragged along by the crazy glamour of it all. Except in the end it isn't funny at all.

He is a clever conman, and aspirational to an exaggerated degree, so for years we lived in very expensive houses, throwing grand parties, travelling, he was always going bankrupt then rising like a phoenix from the ashes, we started a cycle of luxury then poverty and chaos, moving houses, mysterious lies and disasters: once they put up 'for sale' signs outside the massive mansion we lived in. My mother phoned him at work and he laughed and convinced her it was for next door. Then the baillifs came, my mother was pregnant, and told her she had to leave the house within the hour. This is only one of many such stories. He spent our inheritance left by his parents, he took her sports car to work with him, given to her as a 21st present by her parents, and sold it. He ran a business for years without paying any employees' tax, he stole, conned, tricked and always wriggled out of it.

He asserted a very cold, British disciplinarian form of control over all of us. He would buy my mother clothes, make her dress how he liked, as if she were a doll. She could whip up a dinner party for fourteen at a few hours' notice, if he called from the office. We entertained lavish dinner parties, he had many colleagues and social friends, though few really close ones. He was handsome and charismatic, people fell for him in every way. We were trained to seek his affection and attention, which was often withdrawn for inexplicable reasons. He could be very cruel, and had a sarcastic sense of humour. he loved to humiliate people in public, close to the bone, but people laughed and we enabled him to continue, as to challenge him was to be punished. We were also expected to be the perfect children, ample opportunity for him to criticise the way we looked, behaved, thought, acted. It has taken me decades to escape this form of control, and sometimes I feel as if I am going mad, as he is still here inside my head. This is a familiar concept from reading about counselling and cognitive therapy, this interior monologue of criticism, loathing, bitchiness, endless, insidious negativity. It is as if these people can haunt you, and I fear nothing will change when he dies, as he will still be here.

He always made me feel, first of all, that I was not his child, but should be grateful for him having 'taken me on', and that I was somehow rebellious, wilful, naughty. It was a constant fight to be listened to, appreciated, respected and loved. I was a Daddy's girl, but was always made to feel somehow not quite good enough - too fat, not pretty enough, not clever enough. I developed an eating disorder, but was never huge, more plump. I suspect I did it to piss him off, to assert some kind of control. It would really upset him to have a plump, awkward child. He adores 'drag queeny' women, hollywood sirens, skinny divas, nothing you could ever actually be. He competed with me over boys, every boyfriend I took home to present like a puppy (I was trying to get approval, so I think the only way was to bring him cute young men for him to flirt with) he told me they were gay. He took the piss out of me when I met his new partner. I was 13, and his new partner was lovely, open, gentle, we got on well. My father accused me of flirting with his boyfriend! He is so competitive it is laughable. Unfortunately he is a misogynist,and does everything possible to denigrate women. No wonder I have turned out a little confused when it comes to relationships!

He began to make my mother believe she was sex-obsessed and fat, rejecting her all the time. Eventually he moved his young gay lover into the family house, so after rejecting her in bed, telling her she was insatiable, she should see a doctor, he waited until she slept then crept out of the doors into the garden and into the bedroom of our lodger. This was discovered, my mother confronted him about being gay and he went crazy, throwing her to the floor, kicking her in the face, and breaking her nose. He is physically very strong, and well-built, with a threatening, bullying manner about him, you always suspect he is capable of great violence, but it is mostly only used as a mind-game.

They divorced, and then there were many years of ugliness, masked by our attempt to keep the family together for the children's sake. He then had a boyfriend who is also a lovely person, supportive and kind, they are now separated. It was never a problem that he was gay, but that he was cruel, manipulative, mean, destructive, and has a talent for putting people against each other. There is more to this story but I think this post is getting very long!

Thanks for reading, if you got this far. I hope something I have said will help someone who has experienced anything similar. It has been cathartic to write it down, and believe me, there are far more twists and turns to all this, I get tired just thinking about it.

Dear cjp1,

I am so, so sorry to hear about your stepfather and your difficult experiences growing up. I cannot speak to living with a parental psychopath, but I can speak to the issue of the psychopath and sexuality. I do not believe the psychopaths truly have a sexual orientation. I think sex, like anything in their lives, is a personnae that they take on. They are chameleon-like. If there was something your father liked or wanted to get out of or use from a cute, young man, then that is what he did. Maybe he did it just to piss your mother off, who knows, really? That is simply how psychopaths operate. It sounds like your father's boyfriend, from whom he is now seperated, was also badly burned. He probably assumed your father was gay, just as your mother assumed he was straight, and he bought into all the lies, gifts, and flattery that your father lavished on him. Of course, none of them were truths, they were just things that your father said he thought the boyfriend wanted to hear. Psychopaths at their "best" are astute observers of others and will literally personify your ideal mate. That isn't really who they are at all. It is simply an illusion, but it is such a strong illusion of love, of that perfect person, that it is hard to let go of. Who wouldn't fall in love with someone who personifies your ideal mate?! Your father's next victim could be a man or a woman, depending on what he thinks he can gain from that person.

I was in a 10-year gay relationship when my psychopath met me. She was young, hadn't had a boyfriend, began questioning me as to whether she might be gay, calling me over to be her counselor, listen to her problems. The pity play is common in psychopaths. Looking back, I don't think she struggled, questioned, worried as most gay-questioning people do. She was simply curious. She saw me as a good victim, set her sights on me as someone she wanted, and if I was gay, well, then she would be gay. It probably sounded fun, interesting. She wanted to try it out. And she did, she tried me out, lavished words (and one should know they are only words, that psychopaths don't even know the meaning of the words they speak) of affection and love on me. She abruptly left me for a man.

So, I figured, well, she was really straight, at first. But then talking to her, she said, "I liked being gay". And I realized that was exactly what it was for her, a role, a fun role she enjoyed playing. When I asked her about being with a man, she said she didn't like that dynamic, but that he was a good boy. He did what he was told. So, I don't believe she is either gay or straight or bisexual. I think she is simply equal opportunity. She will take advantage of anyone who is willing to be empathetic, listen to her tales of woe, and allow her to use and dominate them emotionally and sexually. And, yes, even as a woman, she was a misogynist. She would talk negatively about woman, hated being a woman, questioned her gender, hated checking that box (female) on any form. Yet, when a man came along, you bet she played that role as sweet, little, obedient female.

So, I think you are right to say, "It was never a problem that he was gay, but that he was cruel, manipulative, mean, destructive, and has a talent for putting people against each other. There is more to this story but I think this post is getting very long!" The cruel, manipulative, destructive behavior is at the heart of who he is. Sexuality likely has very little to do with who he is. I do hope you will feel free to share more of your story in time. It does help to get it out.

Hi cjp1, welcome to our community. Never worry, our members read every word in an attempt to provide support and validation. If writing is helping I would be glad to put your story on it's own thread so the story can continue.

It is very and I say very often that no one thinks what you are saying could possible be true, I guess we believe in the boogey man and evil mosters as kids but as adults deny they exist.

It is very and I say very often that no one thinks what you are saying could possibly be true, I guess we believe in the boogey man and evil monsters as kids but as adults deny they don’t exist. Regardless of the discussing emotions being told to you as a sign of weakness when a person tries to discuss your background you aren’t showing any kind of weakness but trying to reach out and be heard. An immediate urge to judge comes to the front and they more than likely think you are exaggerating, making excuses or just being dramatic. Most families have their issues but you have/had a family with issues bigger than the sky.

Validation and support is the reason our community is here. I hope we can help you find the answers to the questions you are seeking. Unless someone else has walked in your shoes they will never understand. That doesn’t mean they are bad people, they just don’t “get it” and more than likely never will or even attempt to.

Wealth, appearances are blinders for most people, some crazy idea that having at least the appearance of wealth makes them someone to look up to so the surface never gets scratched. After all what a good guy, how kind he is in front of others, they don’t see the evil monster behind that gated community home.
Eating disorders of any kind tend to be about control, which is one thing some people can control. Do you think it could have started by negative attention was better than any positive attention from him? How did he treat you as a Daddy’s girl, was this in front of others and the other cruelty was behind anyone seeing it?

You mentioned the car your mom received as a 21 year birthday present, how old was she when she met him and how old was he? Did he sweep her off her feet and get married within a short period, did you ever find out how they met?

I would suspect he knew he was gay all the time, personally I believe you either are or aren’t and are born gay. It doesn’t sound like he tried too hard to hide in the closet, but with what you said he would need to hide that to promote his position in his mind. How long after marriage did your mother or you suspect so? I am guessing you were quite young when your mother married him?

IMO, He doesn’t deserve the title of father.
When you are ready, what brought about the divorce etc? Is your mom okay, not just mentally but physically?

It is possible to start a new healthy life; it will take a lot of work and be very painful at time. Taking away the black clouds will bring you the light you so much deserve.

I am glad it is helping you to write; I have many more questions about the constant status etc. but will give you a chance to fill in what you can now.



You will have the chance to heal with a lot of work. This took years to happen so an overnight healing would be wrong to tell you. With the will it will happen.

Di

Dear Skybluepaint,

Thank you for your reply to my thread, and for sharing your experiences. It´s a very interesting thought, that seuxality is also 'mimicked' like emotions, by psychopaths. It souunds like that was the case with your ex partner and it must have been terribly confusing for you.

I think, though, that my stepfather really is gay, and was supressing this, as he is ashamed of his own sexuality. He appeared to want to be straight, as this is more ´respectable´, at least it was at the time, it was not an open society in Britain in the early 70s, and he came from a publich school, strict background. When he was married to my mother he was very promiscuous, slept with many of their friends, and frequently travelled on business to countries like Morocco where it is easy to get young boys into bed. Not so much for their youth, but because they do what they are told. His partners have been younger and younger. His first serious gay relationship, after the divorce, was with a younger man, then after that with the man he is now married to, only five years or so older than me.

After the divorce none of the family had any problems accepting his being gay, in fact we have always been more comfrotable with it than him. My brothers were fine with it, and we loved his partner. My mother and his partner became very close friends, he made great efforts to keep the family together so we children would have contact with our father.
My stepfather hated the closeness we had with his new partner, he is predatory and cold when around other peoples' emotions and cannot bear to lose control or perceived control over everyone.

After he betrayed and robbed his partner, as he had done to my mother, she became friends with his expartner and she supported him through the rage which my stepfather is capable of.

Anyway, I'm digressing. Now he is married to another man who suits him better. He is completely controlled by my father and is also sly and mean. So I guess my stepfather really is gay!

He also shows a pathological hatred of female sexuality and the female body, which, as you can imagine, was difficult for my mother and myself. He is terrified of women, sees our intuition as proof we are meddling witches. All female sexuality. softness, femininity, were to be sneared at and repressed. But, like you say, maybe this is nothing to do with his sexuality and more to do with being rotten to the core. Nothing personal.
Well, an interesting debate. It always helps to know and learn more because knowledge is power.

Dear Dianne,
Thank you very much for your reply and comments. Yes, there is a lot more to the story, as you say, and it is very helpful for me to go through it as logically and chronologically as possible. I am able to discuss all of this with my mum, who is very well these days, thank you for asking about her, and more about that later, but it does help to set it out here in a place where I know I will not be judged, and will be believed. I didn't mean to sound critical of people who can't empathise or understand, it is normal, after all. I was just trying to explain why I very rarely talk about all of this. Perhaps I am too sensitive as well, and people would appreciate the opportunity to get to know me better if I were a bit more honest and forthcoming about my past. But sometimes it's such a headache you don't want to burden others with it as well!

In answer to your questions:

With regards to the over-eating and getting fat to annoy my step father yes, it is always about control. I started very young to wind him up in any way possible as my means of rebellion. My mum also developed an eating disorder, as he was constantly picking at the subject of weight, accusing her of being fat, to explain his rejection of her (rather than admitting he was gay), when in fact she was (and still is) a very beautiful woman, both inside and out. As a teenager I continued with this behaviour, trying to irritate him as much as possible because it seemed to be the only way to get any attention.This was the 80s, and it was very easy to dress in a way that he detested - eccentric and attention-seeking to say the least! I had my eyebrow and nose pierced, a small tattoo, wore very dramatic clothes and hair, and hung about with 'unsavoury' people just to irritate him, and it kind of worked. I think part of the psychology was - well, if you say/imply I am a disappointment as a daughter, or an embarrassment, then I really will be one. I think this pervaded all areas of my life, I had a very self-destructive streak, was determined not to be a success because he wouldn't be able to show off about it. I realised when I was about 30 that I would never get any kind of reaction from him anyway, and that I was only damaging myself by refusing to earn money/be successful in any way, and there was no need to live a bohemian life just to annoy him. If a side-product of me making something of myself was to make him proud, then I would have to deal with that. It really didn't matter what his opinion was any more. This was very liberating. However, I think it has affected my career long term, and I have always been followed by a sense of failure no matter what I achieve.

In response to how did he treat me when I was little and a bit of a Daddy's girl - well.... where do I start? He was very clever with the emotional abuse, knowing just how to draw you in and then spit you out. Affection and attention would be doled out like a King to his subjects, as and when he felt like it, and were used as tool for control. Gifts and money were also used to control, withheld if you were 'naughty' and lavishly given if you were 'good'. In front of others he mimicked the loving father, in fact I still have friends who believe him to be less dangerous than I say he is, insisting that maybe the best outcome would be to 'have some kind of relationship, heal, patch it over' etc when I know the best thing is to have as little contact with him as possible, and we will never, ever 'kiss and make up' He always convinced my friends how much he loves me, he's no fool. (We are estranged, for about 6 years now, on my insistence,I will go into this later). So he behaved like a good father for the benefit of others, and in some ways he was, we had an interesting and exciting childhood, a great education, cultural experience, social training etc. However, he was very cruel in extremely discreet and cunning ways. When I was an adolescent I tried to please him by dressing up for social occasions and weekends at his house (before becoming a punk/new romantic!) and I would wear skirts, heels, trying to be ladylike. He would always sneer a little at my outfits, or at the attempts to be a grown-up or feminine. He would always comment on my weight, my looks, and undermine me in all ways possible - my intellect and ideas as well, and in fact this is a clear example of not being able to eliminate someone's influence, as deeply ingrained, though I know on one level I am an attractive woman, I have a terrible need for male approval and to feel desirable, which is always undercut by self-loathing, confusion,self-doubt, and a submissive acceptance of bad treatment as inevitable because there is something intrinsically lacking in me, rather than the other person. I find it hard not to laugh because it is tragic but also funny if you have a black sense of humour (which I do). On birthdays, for example, my 21st he bought me a course of hypnotherapy to lose weight (!!) and even better, a few years later, in front of all the family I opened a birthday gift from him, a book about beauty hints and tips, called 'How to be beautiful'. There was a sharp intake of breath from everyone, and a very embarrassing pause. Then he realised it might look a little mean, so he bluffed 'Oh, I didn't mean it like that, I just know Claudia is interested in fashion and glamour and so on...' However, it wasn't only my looks he worked on, he also undermined my academic achievements, opinions, politics, personal views, ambitions (I always wanted to be a writer, and am getting there, but he made me feel far too stupid or had ridiculous expectations, another way to put someone off).

I did have counselling for about 6 months, as I suffered from depression and do still have bouts of it (not surprising really) and though it helped at the time, I now feel the counsellor also fell into this camp of not quite believing the story. She emphasised the things I have in common with him (There are many - social mobility, intellect, cultural tastes, ambitions, desire to travel, enjoyment of good things etc etc) and suggested I have taken on my mother's bitterness about the divorce, and am treating him unfairly, and should maybe try and forge some kind of relationship with him, as he is the only father I have. Hence this led to another decade of his involvement in my family, when I could have stayed estranged from him. I sometimes feel responsible for letting him back in, as from here he forged closer control over my brother, especially the older one, who then moved to London to go and work for him and has since become his lap dog in every sense of the word. But this is yet another story...

You asked about my mother. She is fine these days, serene and happy, despite some very difficult years. The divorce was horrible. She found out he was gay, apparently many of their social friends had assumed she knew throughout the marriage, so no-one had told her. As I said in a previous post, it was not easy to be openly gay in Britain in those times. After she found out, he beat her up, and they got divorced. Custody for us children was fiercely fought over, he tried to get custody of all 3 of us, laughable really, and tricked her on the divorce papers so he could get out of paying maintenance for many years. Consequently she had to work with 3 jobs to support us, while he would turn up occasionally and lavish gifts and holidays on us. My brother still refuses to admit any of this, and claims he did his best, and we are too harsh on him for the divorce and so on. My stepfather had another old-school, closet Queen as the judge, who supported him and believed his claims of my mother's 'hysteria, bad behaviour, promiscuity, unsuitability as a mother etc', all of which were false. Anyway, on the court steps after she luckily won custody with visitation rights for him, he grabbed her by the neck, pushed her against the wall and threatened that he would do all he could to 'see her on the streets, in the gutter where she deserved to be'. During the divorce he had her followed by a private detective, and even enlisted her parents to spy on her (who were afraid of him, he was a social class 'above' them).

If you see my previous post, you'll see I talk about his next partner, and the friendship between him and my mum, especially when he was badly burned. These days we stay on touch with him, I am very close to him, and he is a lovely person who has also suffered, and was left many thousands of pounds in debt after the separation, like my mum. My mum had psychotherapy for a few years and has come out of it healed and stable, with a much greater understanding of it all. There have been many more years of his bitter influence over our family, but she has survived, and has always supported me, and my brothers, though this has been complicated where they are concerned. I forgot to say, they met at work, yes, they married quite fast, she was only 20 or 21 when they married, already with me. Years later she told me she was also pregnant again from my biological father (who was nice enough but not very reliable) and my stepfather insisted she have an abortion before he marry her as he would 'accept one child not his own, but not two'. The implication was that he had always been generous and good to have married her with a baby already and she (we) should be grateful eternally.

At the risk of writing an awful lot, I feel I ought to tidy up and explain the next few years and start of the recovery process. 6 years ago my youngest brother died suddenly at 29, of a heart attack, and this was the catalyst for my not staying in contact with my stepfather. Although he had always treated my younger brother as a kind of embarrassment (he was not academic, and anyway, his father was obsessed with his first born son) he went into guilt over-drive (I struggled with this because for a man with no conscience did he in fact feel guilt over his bad fathering role? He had lost a son, yes, but his emotions were childish, only about him, not anyone else) and hijacked the funeral, refusing to travel in the same car as my mother and I, as he 'couldn't handle our emotions' as if we were hysterical harpies. He also had the whole order of service wrapped up, so he was speaking, then his boyfriend, then his ex, then a piece on behalf of my brother, then me and mum right at the end. I determined to get up at the service and say something about my little brother otherwise it would all have been from my stepfather's point of view. I refused to entertain his [censored] any more. He had abused and rejected his youngest son constantly, and he and I shared this feeling of second best, and supported each other. I am trying to be brief but there are a lot of details...

A few years previously my stepfather had bought a house in France, his holiday home, which he put in our names, 25% each for my 2 brothers, himself and I. When I asked him for help to buy a house he brushed me off (I wasn't asking for money,just for advice or ideas) and he also sent my younger brother packing when he asked for a loan to start a business, while setting up his oldest son in a flat, and putting him in charge of a business.) On my brother's death I inherited a share of his part, so I owned 33% of my step father's house. Within weeks of the funeral, all of us badly shocked and grieving, my step father saw an opportunity to get the share back at a reduced price, and started to bully me repeatedly, pressuring me to sell/give it back. This is a long story as well, but to cut it short, I decided I was no longer having this, and was very angry and as a result we have been fighting for the last 6 years about this issue. My other brother has been successfully turned against my mother and I, and believes I am money-grabbing, bitter, and so on. It appears my stepfather has finally got what he always wanted - to have his son to himself, and to turn him against my mother and I. This has been really hard, as I love my brother, but he has chosen to take sides, though I tried to persuade him it was not between him and I. In the end I have lost both my brothers in a way, and my mother has lost her other son. But it was no longer right to carry on trying to have a family for the sake of the kids, when the only way to have contact was to go along with the constant madness and brutality.

Saying no to his demands over the house has been my stand against him, the first act of assertion. I refuse to let him take advantage of me, and of my brother's death to get his property back. I have agreed to sell it back to him at a fifth of its market value, but still he bullies and pressures me. I now have the support of an uncle who we hadn't seen for years but are now becoming close to (it turns out his father was a psychopath, though less mean and nasty, just chaotic and flamboyant). This uncle is a QC (very high lawyer, sometimes works as a judge) and works in cases of fraud, criminal insanity etc etc so has studied these people, psychopathy and so on for years and has been prosecuting them legally for years as well). He has been an incredible support and has taken on my case in order to protect me and to help me through it. Also a kind of paternal role, he is a powerful and influential man, and the total opposite of my stepfather: protector of the vulnerable, fighter for peoples' rights, stands up to bullies and cheats. He has treated me with unconditional acceptance and love since we started to have contact 2 years or so ago. We also have the bond of being both brought up by a psychopath father. I find it a gorgeous twist in the tale to have found him late in life. My stepfather of course discredits him and his legal knowledge (!!) and must hate the fact that my mother and I have a family member and protector who is far richer and well-connected than he is. These things are not important to us, but they matter to him, who judges everything by money, titles, influence and reputation. It is because of my uncle I now know for sure that my stepfather is a psychopath and what exactly I am dealing with. I always thought he was insane in some way, or very, very bad, lacking a conscience. My uncle has stated that he shows all typical character traits of a psychopath, and he has negotiated on my behalf the legal battles that are going on. This insight has been enormously liberating but also very tough to come to terms with. I always suspected we were abused, dealing with something almost diabolical, but the extent of the abuse is now becoming clear, and it's quite hard to accept.

I am looking for help, and researching psychopathy at the moment, as I am aware I am very close to getting out of this, the last trace of emotional 'stickiness', then when this legal case is over I can walk away and never see him again. I did see him at my 40th, 2 years ago, always the victim, he persuaded my brother to get him an invite to my birthday drinks in London (I live in Madrid now) as he was 'devastated' I wouldn't see him. Seeing him was interesting. I was worried I would fall back into the old patterns of submissive behaviour but I was strong and not afraid of him. I felt this was a real breakthrough, as he now realises I am no longer his 'bitch'!. He was extremely uncomfortable around me, like a kind of cringeing dog who knows it's beaten. The only reason he had to get an invite was so he could hijack my birthday and talk about business again, the buying of my share of the house.

So... there you have it, more or less! I don't know if other people experience this, but thinking about this topic, and detailing it like this makes me feel physically nauseous, so there is only so much I can do at a time. There is so much loaded emotional content that I get a sort of short-circuit going on. Reading an abusive email from him brings on an instant migraine as well (I suffer from them occasionally). I am also aware that once the floodgates are opened I talk and talk.... this is a very long post, sorry.

Thank you for asking pertinent questions and for reading this. I feel now really is the time to get this poison out of my system. I am not in a position to have counselling, I live in Madrid, and mental health here is not so good unless you go private, which I don't have the money to do right now. Until we resolve this issue of the house sale I don't think I can be free of him, and what frightens me is the possibility he will never quite be eradicated from our lives and consciousness. I may never get my brother's respect and friendship back, as he adores his father and believes him to be a saint. he is like a member of a cult. I feel compassion for my stepfather while recognising what he is, he is unable to live a full and happy life, and is like an emotional tornado, destroying everything and everyone in his wake. While my mother and I, at least, can move on, he cannot. At the same time, sometimes I wish him dead, a terrible thing, but true. He has been so cruel and destructive to so many people I love, and to me. I think it is ok to admit this, honestly is always liberating.

Ok, enough for now, I feel drained! Thank you again, and feel free to ask anything, as this form of unravelling is very good for me and I am happy to be honest and open about all of this mess.
C

Dear Cjp,
Thanks for explaining further. It certainly sounds as if your stepfather is gay and was in denial for years while maintaining a facade of straightness, marrying a woman, for society's sake and appearances. This is actually true of my father as well who was raised in a conservative environment and stayed married to my mother for 20 years until his work took him elsewhere and he began to openly explore his homosexuality. He now lives with a partner whom I get along with well. I do think it takes a real emotional toll on the woman, my mom, to whom he was married. So, I can sympathize with the pain your mother must've gone through. It also sounds like he has very negative images of women, so that must have taken a toll on you both, your self-esteem, and further relationships. I would agree with Dianne that people are born gay, and I think my father, as well as yours, probably always was gay, but married a woman just because he thought that was what he was supposed to do and that it was most acceptable.

While it sounds like your father is clear in his sexuality, I do believe there are psychopaths who will gladly take on whatever sexuality works for them at the time being. I don't think my story is that unique, in that I have read stories from others who have had psychopaths leave them for the opposite sex and continue to switch back and forth between sexes. For me, it would've been easier if I could have accepted my partner left me for a man because she was in denial about being straight, but that wasn't really the case. She also grew up in a conservative environment and hated the roles women had to play, and in a sense hated women and hated being a woman. That was hard for me being her partner, and yet, in a way, it was part of the reason she probably was my partner. She didn't want to be the "woman" for a man. When there was simply a randy, empathetic old guy who wanted her and would listen to her emotional tales of childhood woes, often fabricated or exagerated, she was glad to take advantage of him.

I am curious as to how your stepfather continues to influence your thoughts, feelings, relationships. Do you still struggle with eating disorder, or have had other physical effects, illness, depression as a result of your early chaotic life living with a psychopath stepfather? Why has this come up now, at this point in your life? Has this been a continuous struggle or has it waxed and waned? Hopefully, you can find some peace and support here at this forum.

I can totally relate to a lot of your story. Except my dad's facade was that of the loveable, hippy drop out.

So my rebellion was to be uber conventional.

The last time we spoke I can remember him screaming at me to 'take a prize for being so f***ing responsible'. I find that part utterly hilarious.

But I know that if we'd had that conversation in person, and not over the phone, he would have beaten me to a pulp.

Nobody leaves him. Ever. Not quite so funny.

Sorry for what brought you here. Glad you found us though.

You write beautifully, by the way. I can empathise with the capacity for them undermining everything about who you are and what is important to you. I describe myself as an empty room with the good bits shoved into the corners, so nobody can trample over them.

Oh, and 'bitch' is a word he used (except it was '****ing bitch'). It's a trigger for me now, that word, when I hear other people saying it out loud.

Dear Starry,
Thanks for the message. Sounds like you had to put up with something similar, I couldn´t help but laugh about the comment about you being so responsible! It is fun to provoke, though, when you know it´s the only way to get back. I am all for rebellion in any form when you are being dominated so totally, it shows some spirit. I know what you mean about resistance being futile in a way, they are impossible when challenged, like spoilt children. My step father would lose control if you defied him, and you would always pay, maybe not at the time, if it was in front of other people, but later. And amazing what great actors they are, convincing everybody.
This is a very strange experience, talking to other people with similar stories, but great.
Thank you for the comment about writing. I have always fancied writing a novel with a character like my step father, something which terrifies him. Fact is sometimes stranger than fiction, and I think it´s important to laugh at them if you can.

Dear Skybluepaint,
Thanks for the message, and interesting to hear your thoughts. I agree, some people are chameleons and can switch to whatever suits them, whoever is most controllable. Mostly it makes me sad that people like that ruin everybody´s lives and make many more people unhappy, rather than being honest.

I feel that my relationship with my step father has touched almost all aspects of my personality. I think I am incapable of close relationships with men, because of the years of his very confusing abuse and the erosion of my identity. But it is very helpful to learn more about his condition. I think it has come up now because I only recently found out he is a psychopath, and am researching the effects, in an effort to understand what it means to have had a psychopath as a parent. I still struggle to control my eating, but that is doable. The women in my family are prone to depression anyway, so I am trying to separate what is symptomatic of that, and what I need to work through regarding him. After many years I feel it´s been a constant struggle to come to terms with what he has done to me and my family. My mother and I have come a long way, but I still feel he holds me back in terms of self-confidence and intimacy. I am still stuck in a legal battle with him that has been going on for six years, he knows I am having money problems and is holding back resolving this just to mess with me. With the death of my brother and a serious operation a year after ( I had a tumour and had to have facial surgery, and a long recovery process) the last few years have been tough, especially with him in his ´rage´stage, which is exhausting to cope with. So this is probably why it has come up now. I feel the end is really close, if I can just extracate myself from this legal business then he will have no hold on me other than controlling my brother and ensuring we are not close. Recently, during bouts of depression I have wandered if I am not far more messed up than I believed before. it´s very hard for me to admit to needing help, as I have always been very self-sufficient and strong-willed. It is part of my defense against him that he will not break me or grind me down, and i think I carry on through anger a lot of the time. I am aware that I have some serious issies and would like to work through them now. He has always led me to believe that I am unstable and neurotic, but I think it shpws a strength of character to try and face these things.