Hi Newboy, thank you for your kind update. I will change the title to whatever you like, you can post here or email me, and after changing it, I will go back and remove your request for a change to leave a clean trail.

It is indeed very interesting about PTSD and every member that has crossed these doors to our community has suffered greatly. It is also interesting to observe that it can take 3 months to begin, imagine the impact of the years of struggling with it. In addition, not knowing what “it” is.

Now PTSD is becoming common language with all these wars going on and so many military personnel suffering. It was even denied in the beginning for them as an issue. Information is coming out that never had before. I will work to keep the PTSD information up to date with any new information I can find.

It is good to hear you are feeling a shift when you talk to her. I call it my neutral position instead of taking the bait for conflict. Neutral to me is to be in the present moment, no thoughts of ill will, just plainly neutral. Neutral keeps us from getting our chains yanked and sucked back in.

Something’s we remember forever that just stick out in our minds, I may have posted this before but this is one of mine. When I was working at Intel we were forced to a attend a course about some very technical information, as the marketing group and not engineers we just glazed over and had no clue as this person rattled on about binary numbers etc. The instructor became irritated that we were not asking any questions. One of my colleagues raised his hand and said that it takes some understanding of something to be able to ask a question.

That is why I like about researching things and understanding myself and what makes me tick; one question leads me to an answer and another question to follow the trail.

When we seek the answers, the path will become very clear. Standing in muddy water until it becomes clear.

Di

Just at the moment I am feeling murderously angry myself. I could just about do murder myself. I've been coming here and reading all around in the forum while my thoughts and feelings are slowly percolating through.

Believe it or not , I've been finding some consolation or reassurance or something like that even while reading horror story after horror story and the picture in so many cases of realisation dawning for the members as they uncover their psychopath - and I'm sick of it . I am sick of psychopaths. I am sick of their ways. I am sick of their destruction and death-dealing. I am sick of them creating so much hell for ordinary people. I am sick of so many stories and new ones every day and its been going on for ever. However did people cope before there was support and places such as this? I am sick of the whole b... business. The damage and destruction they do whatever the ways they act out big or small, world stage or just one unheard hapless soul. It doesn't matter, its the same thing whoever the victim(s) is/are, and whatever the scenario. I'm just now thinking of that guy, leader in Rwanda, who before the genocide bought 900,000 machetes to equip his thugs before setting them on with hatred. Aid money he used. Yaaargh.! I've had them. I am thoroughly sick and sickened with them. And I'm sick of being sickened by them. Thoroughly sickened - angry, Profoundly Angry . Could just about do murder myself. I could mince heads right now, if I could get them all... dont want one - want all..

And another thing. I think without exception, their goals , their petty fantasies ,without exception, are so pathetic , so childish and actually achieve So little for them - only a "feeling" of "power" - not real power at all. They dont want to take on the strong man. The strong person. No - they only know how to pick on the vulnerable and helpless and innocent. Some Power!
They won't contend with a strong character, healthy whole people! When confronted with a strong personality Oh then y see the pretence, the denial, the evasion, the victim, the lies, the stone wall, the pleas for sympathy, and forgiveness (those who know no forgiveness, no mercy). They want all the advantages of a compassionate, co-operative society (or partner) while offering none. They only seek to use , to take advantage and abuse, for what? - the momentary satisfaction of gaining that fulfilment of the fantasy of "victory", winning or "supremacy". And even that doesn't satisfy them for long. They soon have to go and do it all again! I believe at core its not the money or sex or cruelty they can exercise that they really seek, its the sense of power at the win. Ooh what power! ??? BAH!

Y know there are what I call "full blown" psychopaths and "half blown" and these are almost as troublesome and dangerous in society as the full blown cos they are harder to distinguish and root out and so go on wreaking lower level violence often for much longer at some persons cost! Hell Hell hell!
My anger is somewhat quieted now, but its coming from very deep.

It is that quiet, solid and sure, angry passion.

Goodnight now and thanks for listening - Newboy.

Newboy - I can sympathise with so much you say. Have you told your story here? If you haven't, might it help to do so?

Hi Newboy, thanks for expressing how you feel, it is indeed frustrating, if you would have asked me years ago if I would still have the forum, I would have had no idea, yet they still keep coming.

You are very right, it is the nice and kind people they do their dirt on. Like you mentioned we enable them in many ways all over the world and take a blind eye look in the other direction. Sometimes I wonder if as a society we really understand these things are so wrong and inhumane it boggles the mind. Because it isn't them it is happening to there is little connection.

Even closer to home people who we think are our friends run like rabbits instead of staying around and offering genuine support, even if that is just listening.

Di

Hello Forum,
I want to start telling my story. It may be in brief because I havent got a lot of time now and also because I have a lot of difficulty with my feelings. I have such a range of feelings that "interfere" when I try to write from a particular position or even just matter-of-factly. It seems lots of us become "confusticated" when we try to talk of our experience to others so there's another reason for them to have difficulty understanding us. Apart from the content sounding like "Alien Adventures - When An Alien Took Over My Life"! However I think it will be good for me to start telling, maybe bit by bit. Help me face up to the whole grievous thing. I've been slowly getting a better picture of the "mass" that I have to deal with and coming to understand my state (PTSD) better.
Theres another reason too : but I've gotten "bushed" again. I'm just not going to keep labouring it ,so
Bye for Now, - Newboy.

Hi Newboy,

You will know when you are ready and the words will flow. We will still be here so at your own pace and comfort level.

Di

Hi again Di & all,
Ready now to say some more. The "other reason " I spoke of has to do with you forum members who have invited me to join in and speak out. I hear your care and have been pained at my inability to reply, leaving you up in the air. Not fair. I am sorry if that has caused you any distress. It does distress me some when members sometimes seem to disappear without a word and it leaves me wondering where & how they are and how coping etc. Many times I have tried to post something to a thread and just got myself into a state. Elvie in particular - I tried and tried to reply to you, still got some things to say to you, your situation but for now just have to accept that thats where its at for me. Just simply cant do it! I regret this but can see I first need to deal with my own can of worms before I can be much good to anyone! This is an unfamiliar & uncomfortable position for me and I think Hmm.. probably the PTSD.
This whole PTSD thing has completely taken me by surprise, floored me actually so I've been standing in Di's "Muddy Water" and letting things crystallise a bit. I've realised a couple of things.
Firstly: I hadn't factored for it or anything like it - the depth of reaction, shock really when I decided to cut myself free from the psychopath. Totally new for me. It makes sense when I think about soldiers and war and having to keep functioning to survive while still in the battle or war zone. Y cant take time out to process all the feelings when you're in a survival situation, you're too full on trying to survive. So then I can imagine it all coming home to roost when relieved. I hadn't foreseen this for myself in my situation. Ive been so long in survival mode, so used to it, that I'd come to take it for granted. Wow.
Secondly: This PSTD is the product of a long history of abuse etc. and emotional backlog to be faced & accepted if I'm to move on.
And thirdly: There are some important aspects round an earlier psychopath experience that I also have been discounting, forgotten, again put aside in order to survive, manage my through, with 4 young kids, hostile wife acting out on me and in a culture that doesn't allow that my situation could even exist! So wow again!
I think I'm allowed to have PTSD and not cope very well for a bit!
I'm feeling much better now and this writing in short bursts is working for me.
Thanks for being so patient and understanding. The world I've been living in has so little of it and no will to comprehend.
Cheers to all - Newboy.

Hi Newboy,

Short bursts, whatever works for you, there are no rules or format to follow when a person is in need.

Please understand that everyone here has had a seat in the same boat of horror just the characters and situations are all unique.

I understand your feelings, it is hard to see people move along or just need a break, it comes from hoping they are okay. I have had to wrangle with that myself for close to 14 years. Wondering if I did something wrong or a million other concerns. It just is what it is, that has always been the pattern and for that my friend I have no answer why. Finally I had to decide to hope and pray the best for any member that came to join us seeking help left in a better place or at least an answer to their question/s. Sometimes I would imagine the pain just takes over and difficulties arise speaking of these horrors. There are hundreds of possible scenarios but it comes down to their own free will and we can just keep the door open for them to read or post.

Many pass by and read for a very long time and never post, we have visitors from all over the world. Some magazine in Korea has been one of the top referral links for many years, how, why, I can't answer any of that.

There are no answers or clues where members may be at any stage of their situation. The lights are always on here and everyone is welcome to come and decide what they need for their own unique situation.

Picture us as that beacon of light you can see through the fog from your ship. When you are ready you will steer your boat toward that light at whatever pace works the best for you. Sometimes you might drop your anchor in the water and sit, other times the urge to turn back takes over, do what feels right for you.

Di

Dear Dianne and others,
at the present time I am almost helpless to respond to the things you and others have been offering me in reaching out and posting to me. I do get your thoughts and understanding and I appreciate that very much & I am still ticking on slowly and going on with all this. It is yet asking too much of myself to make any coherent posting in response to yous or even simply tell my story. I have sometimes been labouring at this which is good up to a point, spending hours sometimes but then I just abandon what I've done cos it suddenly seems so inadequate and frustrating from a different position. I'll give you an example. The other night I set out to give you a brief potted history of the last 20 yrs and psychopaths etc, I wrote something like: "Soon after we married I became aware that there were some issues to be dealt with" and thats how I saw it at the time - and a simple clear statement of that. Then a bit later rereading what I had written I had this great reaction. !@#$%^ what! "Some issues to be dealt with! - what a statement. From where I stand now I can see she was engaged in full-on nuclear war against me and all I stood for and I am trying to fight with a brown paper bag and goodwill! I just had this great angry reaction and raged and couldn't post! Totally inadequate statement in my situation so could'nt post it and simply tell the story. Thats how it is at present. Thanks for being there, your understanding and attentiveness
My - something - to tou all - Newboy

Hi Newboy, it is good to hear from you, we would never in any way pressure you. You will know and only you can be that judge. It is quite common fyi that victims all see that red flag in the beginning and yes indeed good kind people let it flow past as just something they might have misunderstood.

Wishes of peace your way.

I don't watch Oprah but happened to here these words and added a touch to them:

You are responsible for your life and when you get that you are free
Little by little we start to release the shame that will finally set us free

Di