Newboy,

This is such a great quote:

From where I stand now I can see she was engaged in full-on nuclear war against me and all I stood for and I am trying to fight with a brown paper bag and goodwill!


I think Dianne is right, that is how we all felt. Gosh, this person is a bit odd, but, oh well, that is just them. Sometimes the things she says just don't make logical sense. She has an odd way with words. Yet, We forgive, love, and continue to love and support. Hmmm.. this person doesn't have any friends. Well, that just makes you feel more sorry for them, doesn't it? You want to HELP them. And that desire to help, heal, be there for them never stops. They keep gaslighting throughout the relationship to get you to run back, help out again. Then, that one time where you just can't do it anymore, for whatever reason, you have your own problems to deal with or you are simply exasperated, tired of always running to the rescue, you just want them to trust and love, they will lash out.

I hope you can continue to work on finding words and telling your story. We will be here when you do.

Hi Skybluepaint,
I am aware that you posted and welcomed me when I first came to this site, and thank you. I want to tell you I'm not in that same state of turmoil I was in then, I have peace and I'm just quietly going on digesting my feelings and thoughts. Lots to deal with (in this PTSD) and I'm not yet nearly functioning but I'm going to give it as much time as it takes. I am making this time "My Time". I've spent a lot of time looking after others and now its my turn. Thats not to say I'm ignoring them but I am making myself a priority and not trying to do a lot else except what has simple "pluses" for me and us.
You are "spot on" in your description - an almost word-perfect picture of my situation and events around when the "bomb" dropped.

"I think Dianne is right, that is how we all felt. Gosh, this person is a bit odd, but, oh well, that is just them. Sometimes the things she says just don't make logical sense. She has an odd way with words. Yet, We forgive, love, and continue to love and support. Hmmm.. this person doesn't have any friends. Well, that just makes you feel more sorry for them, doesn't it? You want to HELP them. And that desire to help, heal, be there for them never stops. They keep gaslighting throughout the relationship to get you to run back, help out again. Then, that one time where you just can't do it anymore, for whatever reason, you have your own problems to deal with or you are simply exasperated, tired of always running to the rescue, you just want them to trust and love, they will lash out."

I guess this must be something like your own experience - sounds like you (and Dianne) almost expect this to be the common experience of a psychopaths subjects. Or are we psychopaths Objects! Ha! NOT LIKELY! - We are our own and our lives are our own - even married. We are to share our lives as we choose and agree and we are absolutely NOT HERE to be used and abused by ANY others. NO ONE HAS ANY RIGHTS OVER ANY OTHER. and we are not their POSSESSION. whatever they may think!
I had an experience like you describe about 18mths into marriage - she "lashed out". For me this was not a "red-flag" moment but a full on assault. An A-bomb attack! She dropped her bomb but just missed the mark and set the alarm bells off big style! I think this attack was meant to "slay" me but to tell the truth some of the blast went over my head at first - I was so staggered - but I clearly saw I had a BIG problem and some of it I could see very clearly. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. Thus began years of trying to figure out what I was dealing with . and trying to negotiate! !@#$%^ with a psychopath! Hopeless! What a downer - just thinking about the prospect of the years to follow. It wasn't all down but boy it was hard.
More later. And Thanks - you sparked me.
By the way, would you tell me what is gaslighting?
Many Thanks - Newboy.

Hi Newboy, here is how the term came to be, btw, I have seen the movie and it is excellent, highly recommend the dynamics of how clever the husband was, clearly he was a Psychopath, won't give the movie away but it is a very look from the outide how it transpires on the big screen

Here is a good source, I added it to the Resource Section:

What is Gaslighting? - Resource Section

Hi Dianne,
Thanks for explaining "gaslighting" for me. Its a term that I've struck several times reading round the forum but didn't understand - hadn't heard of it before. I wondered if it refered to the psychopaths "other liaisons" or his other life, you know the "GOOOOD guy, charmer public persona. In these parts we just have the term "head-screwing" which is a general term covering all forms of screwing round with peoples minds. Am I right in thinking that this is a particular manipulation aimed at undermining targets confidence in their own perceptions, discernment? Anyway its hideous, and had me going round saying "oh dear" quite a lot this arvo - quite low and grim thoughts about about the lives of people broken down in these ways. Too Bad. Very very bad.
I haven't really had to this happen to me at least in any sustained way. I can see how this could easily be part of the psychopaths strategy and where successful renders their target utterly in pieces, helpless isolated and out of control. What chance do their instincts have of being brought into play with all that going on? Oh wretched
To deal with a psychopath you need ALL your instincts and wits about you every minute of the day, a good BS detector constantly on watch and the ability to stay cool, not react and not show when they expose themselves in the subtle ways.
Anyway, enough from me, v tired, didn't intend to say all this
did intend to say thank you - Newboy.

Hi Newboy,

There is an online free version of the movie Gas Light with Ingrid Bergman and other sites have clips, a must see. I am out for awhile but will post the link later tonight and chat some more.

Di

Diane,
I read this post and would just like to express that it was very powerful for me. I can really relate to this. Tell me if my perception of this is correct. This type of evil so gradually changes the environment which is per say your mindset that even you yourself do not realize it until 1 day 15 or 20 years later you have come to the point that you either have to completely be overcome by the psychpath or you choose to begin tko believe that maybe it's them with the problem and not you.
This is a very difficult inward battle that your peers cannot even see. They've been telling you for years that you should not deal with this psycho but you don't even feel comfortable telling them because they've begun to view you as a weakling because you've tolerated your mates oddity for so long. Am I totally off here?

Newboy, I really respect your outreach and have read all your posts. I think that this is even a more difficult situation for you since most of the time the psychopath is a man. Thankyou for for reaching out to this community and may we all journey through the healing process together. The statement that was made about returning to the beauty of life is so true. I think that I enjoy more and even view the wonders of nature through a different set of eyes when I'm away from my psychopath. I often have set backs of feelings that I have no self respect and general worthlessness but that will get better with time because I BELIEVE! and HOPE! God meant for us to be here to glorify Him, not a psychopath.
Lolly

Yes, Lolly, that is how it works exactly. The self doubt is the key that flips the switch to get a person to begin to even wonder their own sanity. PTSD also can kick in in such a quick way, things get very confusing. He totally starts the journey to tilt your world to match his sick and evil one making you belive that pleasing him is the priority.

When you catch yourself trying to reason with him, stop and ask yourself what good will that do, you are dealing with someone who lacks the capacity to reason and the best person on earth to portray the victim.

If you watch the movie it is fasciinating to see on screen vs. paper. It is available on www.netflix.com. They have a free 30 day trial. It is probably instantly on demand and you can watch it on your computer.

IMO, in the case of evil it has to creep in slowly to not be rejected but to gain the power they are after over you.

A therapist told me something a million years ago that I never forgot, if people had a support group who shared the same issues or friends, meaning real friends there would be no need for so many therapists in the world. The others just can't or won't listen without judgement or understanding.

Everyone here is on the same tug boat moving to shore, there will be a time that you reach the shore, I have faith in your ability, your eyes are open wide.

Try and watch that movie and get a laser focus on your son, you are part way there, he has declared he wants to be with you, lets get him home where he belongs.


Di

Hello all,
thought it might be good to check in here after an interval. Things are moving on for me some and although I haven't posted I have been reading during this period and following the progress of active members, - lots of quiet threads I see and I hope this means they too are finding the strength and power to move on in their situations. It is out of this world - the horrors and chaos, misery, that a Psychopath brings into lives...
We have had a lot of publicity recently about a Psychopath, convicted for a historical murder and sentenced to 30 yrs, brought to justice after a very extensive and tenacious international police enquiry and by the effort and commitment of a hugely courageous local woman (and her family) whose attempted murder exposed the first one. They pursued the matter over 10 yrs! and tho a ghastly story a right outcome. A very good thing that has come out of this is a lot of information that exposes the Psychopath, how he works, his personality. His remorseless, callous, limitless, heartlessness. And the false charm with which he has been able to deceive and ensnare others - and continue. I think this publicity (and hope) will sharpen the public awareness and consciousness of Psychopaths and warn that they exist, are out there and not as far away as you think.
And I am just wowed by this lady, her family and the police who took her seriously.
I thought you might like to hear this.
I had also thought to say some more of myself but I am tired now - not sleeping so well at the mo so goodnight for now
and - Thanks for being there!
Newboy

Hi again,
I want to add a correction to my last post. I think it is not simply correct to label a psychopaths "charm" as "false". Misleading would be a better term. Or unreliable. Their charm can also be real as well or have some real elements, hence their ability to "take in" people who are otherwise savvy. And hence some of our confusion when we are trying to make sense out of our experience when the relationship "turns" - or oscillates as some describe.
Psychopaths are often described as charismatic or charming, but not always, and sometimes seem almost the opposite, to lack confidence and assertiveness. I think a key difference here , from more normal people is the link with the other elevated traits and how they choose or have learned, to play them out.
What i am trying to say here, and I'm struggling now, is that it may not just be deceitfulness and manipulation operating with their charm, or the appeal of your interest or their need to be in control or for excitement etc but a combination of all the traits in varying proportions.
I dont think it is helpful to leave that statement ("false charm") uncorrected when readers may be trying to come to terms with their psychopaths behaviour and their own responses even tho, on the other hand, I would almost guarantee elements of deceit, and manipulation in the psychopaths charm!
Sorry for the sloppy writing.
A persons charm or charisma is no indicator of how that person will respond when crossed, thwarted, or disappointed.

Cheers - Newboy.

Lolly and Di, I will post again to you.
Elvie - if you are reading, this is some of what I wanted to say to you.
One other thing, the convicted psychopath, (in previous post - Malcolm Webster his name), I didn't know him or his charm. I did encounter him and had a brief conversation once and he showed me no charm so properly I shouldnt describe it at all! There was something interesting about that though, but that too is another story for another day.
Bye for now - Newboy.

Hello Newboy, just stopping by to say hello. I really like your quote: