Hi rnk444

I agree with Deb, put on the act as it will buy you time to make decisions. He is obviously unaware that other people can be phoney too.

I know I keep banging on about it but please don’t leave your house, what we need is a strategy to get him out. Maybe a set up with the pot. Come on all you other guys let’s think this through!

I have recently seen so many women leave their homes for various reasons and it’s not easy to get control back. Anyway why should you feel obliged to give him 50% when you know he will squander it. You and your son should have the long term benefit of what you have earned.

My partner left his ex everything including the home and she squandered it all within a few years and I can see that happening to you. Your husband had his chance to contribute but his own selfish needs come first. How come he can afford the pot?

I think you need to get all this documented with a professional some sort of counsellor – maybe even a drugs counsellor on his behalf. You also could get counselling for help with an emotional situation to get a professional to listen to you then use the situation to get everything recorded. Or the alternative could be to get mediation as though you are trying to get things sorted then lay it on thick as he probably won’t participate. It could be your opportunity to expose all the behaviours he indulges in and you appear totally sane, sensible and reasonable.
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I think you are right about him dropping the pot. Ps do seem to like to get caught as though they need to have their behaviour affect others to make it worthwhile doing. Without an audience they wouldn’t be a P, their reason to be is to cause problems for others. Always to take and never to give.
I don’t have much experience with adult Ps but they seem to behave like selfish children, Everything you say about your husband sounds typical P behaviour.

You are very resourceful and I’m sure you will cope with this situation and come through the other end but you will have to be devious. This probably goes against the grain with someone like yourself but you have to do whatever it takes to win through.

I’ll give this some more thought and will “speak” to Di as she has a lot of knowledge about how things work in the US. Sit tight for now as long as he isn’t physically violent. I presume you never leave your son alone with him.

Regards
Jan

Hi RNK444 ~

How are you doing today? I've been further pondering your situation this morning and have a few more thoughts to share.

Red flags went off big for me when you revealed he left a bag of pot laying around your living room... obviously he's got quite a habit, and someone with a habit like that does NOT risk their supply in such a non-chalant way. More likely he would hide it well especially knowing of your objection to it. So I am very suspect of his motivations there, and am very concerned that he could once again turn his issue around against you. God forbid your son ingested it and needed medical attention as you could be found to have endangered the welfare of your child. That said, a parent with knowledge of a dangerous situation has a duty to correct and or report it in the eyes of CPS. Since obviously you have no control over his continued irresponsibility, perhaps an anonymous phone call to gather information from CPS or the police would be in order?

To turn him in is double edged sword, in that any legal costs etc could impact your joint finances . It would help you though to lay the groundwork for you to have him legally removed from the home and make certain that there is NO DOUBT in the eyes of the law as to who is illegally using drugs. You just need to approach it with an attitude that it is for your son's safety, not as a "get even" to make certain that your complaint is taken seriously by authorities.

Do you happen to have any police officer friends or family? That would be the perfect route in my opinion to bring this issue to light safely. I ran the scenario by a cop friend of mine and he was adament that you are equally liable for possession should pot be found in your home, and that you have a duty to provide a safe environment for a child. With that in mind, the ideal situation for you to drop a dime is when you are aware that he has it, on his person, while he is in your home, so there is no chance for him to finger point back at you, cause you KNOW he would. It would be prudent for you to call either the police or CPS and be totally honest about your concerns for your sons safety, and your complete disapproval on your P's behavior. A simple drug test thereafter would exonerate you and place the blame solely with the P for his habit. I think it would also help your case for divorce & custody.

Think it through as only you know your P... you need to calmly surmise if you think this is a route to pursue. I just have a nagging bad feeling that if you don't act on it that it could and no doubt would be somehow turned against you, the P's favorite game.

Also as to the house, I echo what the others have shared. As long as you and your son are not in eminent danger, you need to stand up and fight for it. You strike me as a woman with an amazing sense of responsibility, and I bet as you build a support network for yourself that friends and family will be able to help you find a way to secure your home. He is working and will have to pay child support minimally. If you follow up on reporting the drugs, it could be as simple as filing for divorce, custody and an order of protection to have him legally removed. I know it is far more complex than it sounds both administratively and emotionally, but you CAN do it. Remind yourself of that every waking moment.

Meanwhile do not be ashamed to ask for help from others, as I am certain if the roles were reversed you would be the very first one in line to lend a hand. I think the more that you share the reality of your situation with others that you will find you have a solid wall of support for your quest to be rid of this parasitic P.

I hope this helps or at least gives you something to consider. Know we are all here behind you and praying for both you and your son.

Hugs & love,

SFH23

SHF23,

Wow, I think you've hit on something. Yes, definitely I am so relieved that my son didn't eat the pot. Believe me, that was the first thing I thought of and it made me so angry.

I met with my father today. We discussed the whole matter and I gave him a folder with info on Ps about 2 inches thick. I think he believes me. His suggestion is that I talk to an attorney before I do anything. I think that's what I'm going to do. A friend of mine knows a female divorce attorney who's supposed to be really good. I'm going to call her.

I don't have any friends that are police officers but, from past experience with the law here in Pennsylvania, if I alerted the police that there was marijuana in my house, we would both be arrested and they would take my son away, period!! I can't risk that.

But you gave me a great idea!!!!!!! When I demand full custody of my son, all I have to do is request that he be given a drug test. It's that simple, isn't it. Hey, I'll take a drug test too. No problem. I'll have to ask the attorney if they can just give him a drug test on my word. Is that invading his personal rights? I wouldn't think so if child custody is involved. I'M LIKING IT!!!!!!!!!

Last night, after Di's wonderful advice, I told my husband that everything was okay and I wasn't mad anymore. I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner tonight and he was thrilled. It's that easy!!!!!!!! So I've bought myself some time.

I'm feeling a little better for the moment. I've got my parents on my side, and my best girlfriend. I'll call the lawyer next week and make an appointment. It's going to be hard hiding that from him, but I'll find a way. I hate to lie, but as the little boy says on the TV commercial, "I learned it from watching you."

Thanks everyone!!!! Have a nice weekend.

rnk

maybe you could use a very small tape recorder and record conversation
or what about recording phone conversation from the house to his job
or from you parents house to your house and you happen to mention concern about the pot or whatever else is saying that is creepy

my heart goes to you, i pray for wisdom in your life to do the right thing to get out of this life wrecking situation

mk444

Did you say you were going to leave when things get better? : ) The debt, the confusion, the lies, the threat of having your most precious, wonderful, gift from G-d, your son, taken from you, trying to prove your crazy,...How will things get better w/him? He is not inconvienced in the least. He is in control of your life. He will destroy you, just for fun.

My x-could be his soul-mate. I recognize what you are saying, and how it relates to thousands of comments you could say and didn't take the time to post it.

I left my x in 1995 under very similar circumstances. I was waiting to get my life in order to best provide for the children before I left the marriage w/the kids too. Then I abandoned that goal and left just before I thought he was going to kill us. He is a major threat to our lives - still. I finally had to go to the FBI. On one Psychopath website I recieved advice from an expert in the field of psychopathology. He advised me to "contact local law enforcement, the media, do not underestimate the danger, and move far away if I am able." I cannot move b/c he will find us.

You are not alone, yet you are alone. We all are. Keep posting, at least you know that others are experiencing similar circumstances. You are the ONLY chance that child has to live. ALWAYS remember that your life is important. You are not crazy, it's his strategy and he won't stop - never.

Hi Freedom.

Thank you so much for your concern and suggestions.

I have two bits of good news. First, I met with my father yesterday and he has agreed to give me $500 a month which will cover the entire cost of my son's daycare. Now, I will cancel my husband's health insurance (which I'm paying for), and that should give me enough extra money to get an apartment. I've also decided to accept the offer my credit card company made me. They will give me a cash advance of my remaining available credit (which is down to just over $5,000) at 3.9%. What a deal!!!! So, I'll have that $5,000 cash. I have $2,300 in my savings account. I'll have the $500 a month from my parents. Here's my plan. First, I will call the attorney and have separation and custody papers drawn up (for my eyes only at this time). Then, I'll rent an apartment and gradually move my stuff in, everything but the furniture. Then, when the papers are ready to be served on him, I'll get a moving truck to take out the rest of my furniture, beds, TVs, etc... WHILE HE'S AT WORK. I'll act like all is normal the whole time. I'll pick up my son from daycare and go straight to the apartment. He won't know what hit him.

I know you all advise me not to leave the house, but I don't have a choice. I have to get my son away from him ASAP. I'll make a huge profit by selling the house anyway.

Here's my second bit of good news. I HAVE AN ALLY!!! My husband has one friend. He's 19 years old and works with him. I think my husband has befriended him because he is young and gullable, and he'll believe anything my husband tells him. Well, he has a girlfriend. She's also 19. I've known both of them for about 2 years. I really like the girl - you know, the kind of person you like when you first meet them. However, I've never really let her into my personal life or told her anything bad about my husband because her boyfriend is his best friend. WELL, last night they came over. While the guys were playing video games, she was hanging out with my son and me. We were playing in another room. I don't know why she chose this particular time to come forward, but out of the blue she says to me, "You know, I don't like the way your husband drinks like a fish and then gets behind the wheel of his car with your son in the car seat next to him. I don't think that's very responsible of him." WELL, that started the ball rolling and I began to fill her in about everything. She said that she's always had a "bad feeling" about him and doesn't trust him. I showed her my P info and the book "The Mask of Sanity." She knows someone a lot like this, so she is familiar with the signs. She totally believes me and wants to help me. She is angry that her boyfriend is so gullable, but I told her that it's not his fault and that everyone is gullable when it comes to a P. You can be the smartest person in the world, and they can still fool you.
She is a person I can trust. She came to me first - in a positive way. I've ragged on him in the past about how he doesn't clean up after himself and stuff, but she saw for herself how irresponsible he is and she was concerned about his obvious lack of caring about the safety of his own son. She came to me because she was concerned about my son. I think that is a trust friend!! I told her that I couldn't believe she came to me now, when I needed her the most. I am so glad for her. She is the ONLY person I know who sees what my husband is really like. Actually, that's not true. My husband has come with me to some of my doctor appointments (regular doctor, not psychiatrist - I don't have a psychiatrist YET). My doctor, his nurse and the secretary all came to me one time, this was about 8 months ago, and said that they were concerned about the way he acted when he was there. They could see through his fake sincerity about my well-being. He acted all concerned about my health and asked if there was anything he could do, etc... They said that he showed flat affect and it was obvious to them that he was acting. WOW. Do you think I could use them as a character reference or something if we go to court? Should I ask them? Should I ask my lawyer? ANYWAY, that's a total of 4 people who have seen my husband in action. I'm getting there. It's a start. I'm on my way to building my army.

So, considering my particular circumstances, do you all still think I shouldn't leave the house? I really don't think he's going to say or do anything that I could record on video or audio tape. He's too calculating for that. Actually, he's the kind of person that would try to video or audiotape ME. Also, with the pot thing. I always catch him after the fact, never in the act. I'll find his empty baggie in the shed. You know, stuff I can't use against him. I'm pretty sure he gets the pot from customers at his job, or people he works on a regular basis like delivery men and couriers. So there's no way for me to hear him "make a drug deal."

Well, what do you all think????? My emotions have been running the gamut since last night. I'm so stressed out, yet I'm happy for the recent events. I was thinking last night that I really can't believe I've held out this long and kept my sanity. I know I'm a strong person, and this has definitely put me through the test.

Looking forward to hearing your responses.

rnk

Hi rnk

I still don't think you should leave your house-gut feeling tells me you will lose it! Your husband is cunning enough to do anything and could use this to get his hands on the whole lot. The what use would any profit be to you then but it would enable him to finacially pursue a claim against you and even try for custody of your son. You need to prove he is an unfit parent. With the information your new friend has given you it could be the start of getting plenty of evidence. Although do be wary about how much you tell her, she is probably very trustworthy but may say something inadvertantly that gets back to your husband.

The other reason I don't feel it's right that you leave is because your husband could make out you are irresponsible for taking your son away fom his home and his father. Ps are such liars that he could make it seem like he was being responsible and worried about his son.

Don't be too hasty as it seems now you are being open with everyone they feel free to express their opinions. Please try to wait a little longer as you may soon get enough evidence to get rid of him.

I am so concerned that you will lose all the equity you have built up in your property. Trust me - I've had the fight of my life just to get back into my property to pick up the few personal possessions my husband didn't take. I'm still going through the legal battle 4 years later and it has nearly broken me financially and mentally. I have had to fork out to take my case this far and it could be that I don't get a penny back because I can't afford to carry on fighting. You probably won't be able to sell your property without your husband's consent if you are joint owners so how will you finance your legal battle? I do anticiapte you will have a battle of monumental proportions because he won't want to lose his "possessions-you and your son" or his source of finance.

I understand that you are desperate to get away from him but don't give him anything to use against you. If he is not physically hurting you or your son then can you keep up the pretence of everything being OK?

Your family are being so supportive and that is good, would it be possible for one or more of them to move in with you for a while-there must be some excuse you could come up with.

Look after yourself.

Regards
Jan

Hi rnk

Have a look at this!

http://www.lovefraud.com/

Sound familiar?

Jan

Hi rnk

Here is another good link- http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html it came from this main link - http://groups.msn.com/PSYCHOPATH/61.msnw

Jan

I married for the second time in 1991. I dated him for 3.5 years to be as certain as possible that my daughter from the first marriage and I would be in a family situation that would last. I expected the best from him. Soon after the marriage I noticed subtle inappropriate sexual actions, comments, behavior towards my child. Later I noticed that my husband and his mother were inseparable. He introduced me to his mother AFTER I was wearing his ring. She planned the wedding. Ok, there were warning signs that I was too naive to recognize. In 1992, I had his daughter, giving me two children from two marriages. After 4-years of stress over what he might do to my children, I sought advice from the Battered Women's Shelter. They advised that I make the decision to leave him when "I've had enough". The family is extremely wealthy, politically powerful, and mean. I waited until I thought we were literally going to die at his hands, and then in 1995 I left with the girls.

He has stalked us ever since. It seems that his determination to prove to me that he will control our lives is beyond rational limits. I have filed police complaints for years and he doesn't actually "break" the law - and this town is afraid of the family. I followed the advice of the Sherriff's dept. and contacted FBI. Now it's a matter of time. This is the most dangerous part. He will not let go. He told my youngest daughter that he knows everywhere we go. He is 48-years old, has never had consequences for his actions b/c his parents destroy people who question their little prince and/or they buy his way out. A psychopath website had a comment posted once that said, "Every psychopath is involved in some type of criminal activity. Expose it." I found it and gave the FBI almost 10,000 pages of information about his family. We live on the third level of a multi-family building. I keep my car in a garage. We have bodyguards. Now we wait.
_________________
...you need only imagine what it takes to overcome--and you can be positive that
strength is within you.
Chassidic philosophy