Hi altruist,

I'm glad you found the forum - welcome. The mental strain in a situation like you described must be immense and I commend you for getting this far and taking steps to protect your children.

I've seen the "mother angle" a number of times on this forum. I'm all for men having a good, healthy relationship with their mothers but when there are control/domination issues that's a different story. I think the wife/girlfriend will always be the outsider and subordinate. I personally think that stunts a man's emotional maturity (at a minimum!).

In terms of the FBI, I know some people feel it's a bad idea to involve the authorities when you're dealing with Ps. While I understand where they're coming from in a way, I think every situation is different and some necessitate that. You know what they say, when you're up against a bully, you have to get a bigger bully on your side (something like that!). Ps are like bullies on steroids with a good dose of evil thrown in so I think sometimes you just have to get the authorities involved especially if just running away isn't an option.

Do they (he and his family) know you turned over info to the FBI and if not, would they be able to pinpoint it to you? I wish you continued strength in dealing with this situation

Take care,
Sylvie

Hi rnk,

I've read your story and am glad that you've received a lot of sound advice here.

About the drug test, I'd be surprised if they administered one just on the other parent's say-so since that would seem invasive and a violation of his rights. I would think in the absence of evidence, at a minimum it would take a sworn affidavit from you about his drug use. Just my two cents.

Anyway, I'm glad you're seeking the advice of an attorney before doing anything else. Dealing with cops and CPS directly can be dicey when it involves a banned substance and a (possibly) psychopathic spouse.

Good luck,
Sylvie

MK... I just wanted to offer my respect and support for you. It sounds like you are dealing with a true 100% certified Psychopath, and my heart and prayers go out to you. Thank God you sound as though you have a handle on things, and know that above all you need to keep your baby and yourself safe. PLEASE use all the resources you can to safely detach from this animal... things never "get better" with a Psycho (from my "experience" and reading they ALWAYS get worse!)... I don't know if you read my "story", but I was one of the lucky ones and escaped before I left my home, husband, children, family and friends and gave him everything I ever owned, BUT! it was only a matter of time... that's truly the effect he and most psychopaths have on us sensitive and trusting souls! He had me believing he was my "soul mate", the "man of my dreams", the one who would make my life "happily ever after...." NOT!!!! Thankfully, his mask started dropping slowly but SURELY before things got too far! I awoke from the "spell" I was under and said "somethings not right, here!"... something is terribly wrong! WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!???? Gratefully, I found this website and the amazing, supportive, intelligent, loving people who have helped me through and I (slowly, but surely) faced the truth and set him free. I know it's much harder when there is a marraige, a home, a child... and I will pray that you can escape this torture in the quickest, safest and sane way. You are NOT alone in this... we all care and will offer as much advice as you need. Love, Tiasa xoxoxo

Hi Jan.
Thanks for the links. I've read them and printed them out.

I contacted a lawyer. I got a brief free consultation over the phone. She said that I should GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! She said that if I move out (and take my son, of course), I don't need a Separation Agreement in this state. I can file for Divorce, FULL custody and support all at the same time. It sounds great, but she wants a $5,000 retainer. That's all the money I have left. I need it to get an apartment. I seem to be at an impass.

Also, if I file for full custody (my husband will have visitation rights), he will HAVE A FIT!!! The lawyer says that in order to sell the house, both of us have to agree to put it on the market. If I file for full custody, there's no way he'll agree to sell the house - just to stick it to me. He doesn't care if his credit goes bad. It already is. But I can't let him have any kind of custody of our son. Did I tell you that recently, I went to my cousin's Bar Mitzvah in New Jersey. I was gone for 2 days. I left my husband and baby at home for many reasons, one being financial and I think my son is too young to go on a trip (I don't want to stress him out). ANYWAY, when I got home, along with the usual expected things like no dishes being washed, the cat boxes not cleaned, etc.... I noticed that my son's bed and the living room couch were wet. When I smelled them, it was obvious that it was human urine. - NOT CAT PEE!!! Believe me, I can tell the difference. It seems that he wasn't changing his diapers often enough - and that's an understatement. He knows to change his diaper in the morning when he wakes up. He obviously didn't. The first thing my husband does in the morning when he gets up is make himself coffee. If my son is asking for a bottle, my husband will get the milk out of the fridge, make his coffee, put the milk in his coffee and then put the milk away, and totally forget to make the bottle. What an A--Hole!! I'm so worried about what will happen if he gets custody. My friend asked me what would happen to the house if I left - in terms of things getting cleaned. My husband doesn't lift a hand to do anything. When I first met him, he lived in an apartment with one dog and four cats. There was pee all over the whole apartment, a lot of it from the dog because he never let her out. Also, none of the animals had ever been to the vet - no shots, none of them were spayed - AND THEY ALL HAD FLEAS!! The apartment was flea-ridden. I'll never forget getting flea shampoo and washing all of the animals. We have this one long-haired gray cat and I'll never forget watching all of the fleas run into the cat's eyes to get away from the shampoo. It was horrible. I thought it was just because he was bachelor. Boy was I wrong.

I'm going to call Legal Aid and see if there's anything I can do. The lawyer advised me, as did you wonderful people, to keep a journal of everything he does. (I'm going to print out these postings. She said that we can use some of the information in the Complaint for Custody to show that he's not a good father. AND, I can get him drug tested, just on my word - but I have to pay for it. SO WHAT!!! I'LL PAY, I'LL PAY!!!! I'm already paying!!!!!!!!

I have a question. Maybe some of you might know the answer. I'm starting to take steps to guard my remaining money. I'm going to get a checking account in my name (which I should have done a long time ago), but I don't know what to do about the savings account. I definitely don't want it in my name, because he can have access to 1/2 of it upon our divorce. Can I open an account in my son's name? With me being the only person who has access to it? My son is 3. Would my husband have the right to 1/2 of that money? Can I set up like a trust account or something? But I'd have to be able to withdraw from it. What do you guys think? Someone had told me to open an account in my mother's name. Can you do that? Is that legal? Will the bank let me? Gosh, I need help.

I'm so tempted to just go out an rent an apartment. There's a really nice complex close to my son's daycare where I can get a two-bedroom for $665 a month, not including gas, electric and cable TV. I can hire a mover and have everyting out of here in one day. Do you think I should do it? I've asked my son. I say, "How would you like to get a new house, with just you and Mommy." He says, "Yeah, yeah, not with Daddy." My husband sleeps in his bed at night with him. I haven't figured out why yet. I think he's trying to make an extra special bond with him, but my son always tells him to get out. My son asks me if he can sleep with me. My husband will take him to the playground a lot after dinner. They'll leave around 7:00. I tell him to be home by 8:30 so I can put my son to bed. He always agrees, and he always gets home between 10:00 and 10:30. What is he doing all that time? Where is he going? I asked my son this morning if he likes going out with Daddy. He said No. I'm not putting ideas in my son's head. I'm just asking him questions. When we're all home, my son sticks to me like glue. I don't think my husband is hurting him physically in any way, but my son is smart and I think he can sense something about my husband that weirds him out. I have to get him out of here.

Looking forward to your responses.

rnk

Hi, be careful of any paper trail. There a pre paid Master Card/Visa cards that don't require a SSN to get which will keep your money off the radar.

Di

Thanks for the good advice, Diane.
Actually, I just took a cash advance of the remaining balance on my credit card. I've opened a new checking account and will deposit the money into that. That way, I can use cash for everything.

I'm going to contact Legal Aid this morning. I'm afraid he's not going to let me put the house up for sale. That's the only way I'll be able to pay off this huge mound of debt.

I'll write back when I have more info.

rnk

Hi, I was just reading an interesting article on how to NOT get stuck with an X's IRS bill Don't let a cheatin' spouse stick you with the tax bill I would ask the attorney but I don't think it will matter to protect the cash you took out because it is community property and especially if it is in an account with your name. You will be asked all those kinds of questions about money.

Have you run a credit check to see there are any outside credit accounts(that he created) that you don't have knowledge of? Until the day you get your final divorce who knows what havoc a Psychopath can create?

Di

Hi rnk

I’m pleased you have seen a lawyer. I’m surprised she has told you to be the one to leave though. Forgive me for being cynical but it sounds all too familiar.

My solicitors are good and I’m not saying anything negative about them but I had to come up with £7,500 so they would take on my case. That was just the start and I was lead to believe that would be all I would need to pay but how naïve I was. The bill is already £24,000 and it could take up to another £20,000 to bring it to a conclusion.

My share of the equity in my home is now their security to get paid and it’s up to me to chase my ex to pay the costs allocated to him which is all but £4,000. It will then cost me more to take my ex back to court to make him pay.
No wonder the solicitor told me it’s a good idea to sell the matrimonial home rather than expect to go back. They obviously don’t want me to be attached to it as they know it may have to be sold to pay them. They will be first in line as they have a charge on my half and I will get what is left to buy somewhere else.

My husband stayed in the home and trashed it which reduced the value and even though I’m back in after nearly 4years I can’t afford to put the damage right. When we were together he showed no signs of being the sort who would do that so I dread to think what your husband would do.
I don’t think your husband would have any intention to either get out of the house or sell it then you would never get him out. Just imagine the battle you would have then.

As for the bank account, I opened one in joint names with my son so if ever he needed access to money it was there for him. I just deposited one amount purely for this reason so it was technically his money which the courts agreed was legitimate but I don’t know if it’s the same in the US. Also the court may side with your ex if you show you are capable of re-housing yourself and he isn’t or won’t. If he has the home would it put him in a better position to apply for custody? He could make out you are the unstable one and your son would be better off in his own home with him.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh but it’s because I’ve been so badly let down by the judicial system. The unfairness was unbelievable and my husband even perjured himself and seems to be getting away with it and then I have to bear the cost of bringing it to everyone’s attention again. He just ignores everything the court orders him to do while I have been totally open and done everything to the deadlines they imposed and I get penalised.

Your husband sounds totally unreasonable with your son. I can’t believe he keeps him out till that time of night. The child should be in bed at a sensible time if he has to get up in the morning to go to his day care. Surely this is the sort of thing you can use against him. Would it be possible to tell him to bring the boy home by a certain time and have this witnesses by someone credible then you could call the police when he doesn’t return? There are loads of reasons why someone would call the police in those circumstances and if it was on record of happening lots of times it could strengthen your case. It could be an opportunity to let the authorities know you suspect he has drugs on him or could be high on something.

I think your best chance is to outsmart him as he will have no conscience about doing anything he can to get what he wants, including your son as a weapon. I do understand your need to get away but I would hate to think you lose everything while he sits back and gets it all handed to him.
How does the drug testing work and what if he won’t co-operate?

Please try and hang on a bit longer until you have explored the custody issue and legal aid. I hope you keep us informed as to how things are going. Also report anything to the authorities that happens then at least you have some back-up and evidence you have tried to do something.

All my best regards
Jan

Jan,

You totally understand what I'm going through. Your words are not harsh; they're the truth.

I'm not going to continue with that lawyer. I contacted a domestic abuse shelter and they're sending me names of pro bono lawyers. I'm in the process of finding anything I can to use against him. I got a criminal history report on him and LISTEN TO THIS!!! He was arrested for drug possession twice in Maryland!!!! I have the case numbers and everything printed out. Also, and I'm horrified to see this but I can use it in my favor, he was found guilty in Maryland of "operating a motor vehicle with occupant under age 16 not restrained by seatbelt or child safety seat." I can't believe it - but I can. This was in August of 2005. Of course he never told me about it.

Also, last night my son said something that scared me. He asked if I would take him to the playground. I said that maybe Daddy would take him to the playground after dinner. He said, "I don't want Daddy to take me to the playground. I want you to." I asked him why. He said, "Daddy doesn't watch me." He also said that he doesn't like going places with Daddy and that sometimes he's afraid of Daddy. He also said that he doesn't want Daddy to pick him up at school anymore. HE'S THREE YEARS OLD!!!! I can't believe this is happening. The boy is so smart. I'm so glad that he trusts me enough to tell me this. I asked him if he would like it if we moved into a new house, just me and him. He said, "Just you and me, not Daddy." - telling me that's what he wants.

I know I have to hang in there longer, but I'm so worried about my son. I'm going to do everything in my power to pick my son up from school every day. I've already convinced my husband that it'll be cheaper if I do it because he has to drive further. Also, no more Daddy taking him to the playground after dinner. Also, my husband likes to take my son out on Saturdays. He says they're going to the playground or to the park. They'll leave at 11:00 am, and they'll get home at 9:30 at night. WHERE DOES HE GO? My son told me that his Daddy doesn't come home when he wants to.

I'm playing nice with my husband and I'm fixing up the house. Oh, I know he'll trash the house if he lives here alone. I almost have everything done to the point where it can be put up for sale. But how do I get him to do it? He won't. If I leave and he's living in the house, he can't use that to get custody of my son. I've researched the laws on that. Also, it doesn't matter which parent makes more money. It's all about who will take better care of the child. My husband has a criminal history and a bankruptcy. Hopefully, that, and whatever else I find, will be enough to convince the court that I am a better parent. I know he used to be in the Navy and I'm in the process of obtaining his separation records. I can't wait to see what they say!!!!

Oh, this sucks.

I'll let everyone know when I find out more information. I'm so pissed right now about the car seat violation. I'm not going to tell him that I know.

Thanks again for caring.

rnk

This is one of the largest sites I know of that has info for legal matters.

www.nolo.com