So I'm now on beta blockers to help me cope with my stress.

I also have sleeping tablets and diazepam.

I'm more able to just get on with life and try and do what I have to do to get to the end of the day, without feeling overwhelmed and panic stricken all the time.

Starry,
I am glad to hear that you are doing better! I have used diazepam situationally for anxiety attacks before and it certainly does help to take the edge off of stressful situations. Having a fast-acting anxiety-relieving medication available just in case you need it when things get overwhelming certainly provides some reassurance. So, I am glad you are getting the help you need to deal with everything. Best of luck on your continued recovery.

Hi, I have been doing quite a bit of research about the ability of depression medications to really work. I will gather some information for you to take a look at and decide if that is the best route to take. I think I will post it in the Resource section. I was put on medication for a major depression over a business issue and the end result was a serious blood disorder that I will never recover from. I think it is important information to share so anyone in our community can have the information first to weigh the options.

A relationship with a Psychopath is certain to cause bouts of probably the most sever depression that can be defined, I would just like to add a word of caution about how these medications function in the brain.

I am sure some occasional use of anxiety meds might be very effective but after all the research I think the old fashioned way we are doing here and talking about things in the long run will prove to be more effective. There are some serious side effects from these medications.

I am wrangling with some computer issues so plan to post some information later in the Resource Section. In the meantime you can look up Dr. Paul Breggin, he has some very interesting videos on Utube.

I would be interested in your comments before I post the rest of the research. You can also do a search for: psychiatric medications on Utube to look at other views.

I will be back in awhile, I have to restore my desktop and other laptop and that will take me awhile.

Di

Hi Dianne

I totally understand the thing you have with medication.

But I can't really cope any more without it.

It's been going on for years and years and years and years. And all that time I've really resisted taking any sort of medication. I wanted to 'be me', to understand all the gradations of feelings, to understand where I was on the journey. I've worked incredibly hard at it all, incredibly hard.

But it's got to the stage where I spend 90% of my time awake trying to deal with my constantly pounding heart and trying to cope with the constant state of fear I live in. I have high blood pressure and permanent digestion problems, which are sometimes so bad I can't eat anything at all as everything just runs straight out of me (I can't be more than a few seconds away from the bathroom).

I want to have some kind of a 'normal' life, where I can function in the outside world, have a job (and earn some money), have some kind of meaningful interaction with people. At the moment I earn about £5,000 a year. I'm fed up with being so poor.

Yes, I've had therapy, psychotherapy, and OT, and they help, a bit, while I'm having my sessions. But after finishing, something stressful will happen, and I'm right back to square one. Except it's worse.

So please don't judge me for taking medication.

Starry, I am so sorry, I wasn't in any way trying to judge, please forgive me for my post, that was not my intention.

I am sure that medications can help but just wanted to raise awareness of some of the side effects that could be involved.

My intention went array and I sincerely apologize. I should have just posted the information in the Resource Section so it wouldn't be sounding like I was making any judgements, just trying to offer information.

I hope you will accept my sincere apology.

Di

I've just struggled so, so, so hard with all the physical stuff, for so many years. I really wanted to be able to deal with it all. But I can't, I just seem to be going round and round in circles, with the physical stuff getting worse.

I can understand perfectly well intellectually, about everything...the situtation, the people involved, what I had to do to survive. But every time I fit another piece into the jigsaw and understand something else, it just gets more confusing on another level, and harder to cope with.

I'm so tired from trying to deal with it all and so tired with trying to maintain some kind of facade for the outside world.

I find it really difficult to talk to people in any kind of meaningful way, although nobody would ever guess as to what went on in my life. But I have two 'communities' that I'm involved in and have been for many, many years, both through work. One I have been involved with for close to half my life. The people there are more than work colleagues to me, and I know that I am liked and respected there, I am more than a colleague to them.

This past year I've lost one of the 'communities', and was just starting to get to grips with what it meant for me, when I found out I was to lose the other (through closure). I fought really, really hard to try and save it. Not just to save my job, but because I totally believe in what the community does. But to no avail.

So now I'm going to be totally adrift. No job to go to, no colleagues to work alongside, or share some good experiences with. I have no friends, although I'm sure that I could share some of my life with some of the people from these two 'communities'. But why put the burden of what I know on them?

Well, that's how I'm feeling this morning.

I had a work to go to last night, for one of the last times, but I only managed to stay a couple of hours. I felt so completely detached from everything and everybody, it was a horrible, utterly hollow feeling, really frightening. Of course, I understand what it was about, but it didn't change the feeling. I tried, but I couldn't settle, couldn't be in the same room as everyone, couldn't be in the next room, couldn't be on another floor. I tried everything I could think of but none of it worked, the feeling got worse and worse. So I just left without saying anything.

I think I was upset by it, because where I work has always been a very safe place for me. The people I work with see me (although they don't see all of me). They see me, and they respect me. And now I have to give all of that up.

I knew in my head that wasn't a good thing to do, but I couldn't feel anything by that stage. It was raining, really hard, and it was an odd feeling, feeling the rain on my skin. Not horrible, as being in my physical self feels a lot of the time. It was quite nice actually, like a lot of little gentle reminders that I have a physical self.

I went home, suddenly felt really cold and damp. Had a bowl of soup and went to bed. I felt safe there.

I'll probably get into a lot of trouble, but what can they do now? I only have one week left. Whatever they say to me can't be any worse than what I've gone through already.

Hi Starry, I hope you will consider us as part of your community. Your struggle must be horrible and it must feel lonely. Is this your last week at work? Do you have other plans?

I guess I am confused about the community you had to leave that you felt supported by, if you are comfortable explaining.

I hope we can help in anyway possible, your pain is very clear in your writing.

I will go and read all of your posts to see if I have missed something because I don't want to burden you with questions over things you may have already discussed. I guess it will be up to you to let us know how we can support your through this horrible of horrible times.

Di


I am confused about these communities and why you would feel you would be a burden? Weren't they there for you in the past?

I do Dianne. It's such a relief to be able to talk freely here, with people that believe and understand.

The two communities I was talking about...


One is based around the place where I work part time. I am one of the small handful of paid staff, and there is a huge number of voluntary members (about 250). I know them all. Some I see on a regular basis, some only occasionally. We also have a paying audience with many regulars. I know them all too.



The other community is based around my own work. It was very small. We were all very different, but we had worked together over a number of years and we worked well together. I had been there over three years, some people much longer. The woman that ran everything flipped and lost it early this year. It was all hugely triggering for me for various reasons.

None of us wanted to leave our little community, because we all felt hugely loyal to each other. We also all knew that once one person left others would follow and it would all collapse. But the situation had gone from being utterly normal and calm, to completely demented within the space of a day (also hugely triggering for me). I took a big part in struggling really hard trying to understand the dynamics of it all, and to find ways around it to keep everyone happy. But it just seemed to get worse. It dragged on for weeks and weeks and made me really ill with stress, to the point where I couldn't eat anything for a whole week, I was barely sleeping, and my left leg became completely rigid so I had to limp everywhere.

We were all going to lose our deposits. I was in the process of taking the landlord to court to get my money back when I found out I was going to be losing my part time job.

Dianne,


What Starry is talking about is Beta blockers, which I believe are for anxiety or heart problems. Professional musicians even sometimes rely on them for stage fright. They help calm down that racing-heart fight or flight response. If you've had a psychopath in your life and are suffering from PTSD, constantly reliving the trauma or living in a state of panic and constant emotional arousal, that is a pretty awful way to live on a daily basis. Although, I haven't used Beta blockers, I have used lorazepam for panic. I've literally gone to the airport, panicked, and left, not getting on my flight on more than one occassion. So, if writing down a plan of action for getting on the flight along with popping a fast-acting anxiety pill that will calm me down in 10 minutes helps me to get on the flight, it is definitely worthwhile. And it sounds like it would be helpful to Starry to alleviate her anxiety. Whatever her prescription, that is between her and her doctor. I try not to overrely on lorazepam, because it can be addictive, so I use it only as needed. Yesterday, I went to a wedding and expected to be uncomfortable, but I forgot the panic medication and was pleasantly surprised to find out I didn't need it, that I was perfectly fine with being social. I was pretty panicked on the day before the wedding about going, but I talked with someone else who was going and that act of talking with someone, getting reassurance, helped me feel more self-confident and ok with going.

I agree with you that anti-depressants are overprescribed and, like any medication, should be used with caution. I read an article recently that said maybe there was a purpose to depression, that the sadness and rumination over life and life problems actually helped people to process those issues and come out on the other side. Just as our bodies know when we have a cold to cough or expel snot, to get rid of the bad stuff, maybe the sadness, low energy, and rumination are a way of our bodies telling us we need to shut down for a while and think, deal with the problem so that we can learn, heal, and move on to something better. I certainly hope this is true, since I have been doing a lot of ruminating. However, I notice that the rumination has changed over time. As it changes, I do feel I am working out those problems and that eventually that rumination, talking to the psychopath in my mind, trying to rework everything and understand may lead to understanding and further letting go. The thoughts slowly fade away. Talking here is also helping with that process, so I appreciate your hosting the forum. However, if my sadness and rumination, symptoms of depression, continued to pull me down further and further, I would certainly not hesitate to take an anti depressant.

Right now my best medicine is not "self-medicating" with alcohol. After 50 days sober now, I feel my mind is so much sharper and I can think more clearly about things instead of avoiding them by drowning them out. I still don't smile like I used to before the psychopath and I am far less innocent or pure hearted. I don't know how anybody could view the world the same after being involved with a psychopath and experiencing pure evil. But, I do feel a glimmer of hope that I will form a new, happy self, different from before, but stronger. I wish that for all of us.

I feel like I've been at the ice core of evil itself, and been trapped there. All around is this whirlwind of destruction, as I explained to my brother. And if you find yourself in that you should be running for the hills as fast as you can, because once you get dragged beyond that, into the frozen centre of it, it's too late.

I have no idea how I got away. I was in a place that was way beyond any thinking or any train of thought. I was in a place of total blackness. I can't remember much of the assaults.

I try not to burden people with this knowledge because I feel their innocence is precious and should be protected. I guess I try and protect everyone I know from what I know and from what I've experienced.

I also strive more than anything for some dignity, because I had none, stripped naked and made to beg for my life with a whole bunch of monster electrical tools in the next room, and the threat to use them on me. Even now, if my husband takes the blender out of the cupboard I have to stand at the other side of the room, watching his every move, until he's finished with it, washes it and puts it back in the cupboard, up high out of my reach. And I feel I would have no dignity if I told other people about that sort of stuff.