Hi Liz,

I watch the Suze Orman show, she has some great advise. She says to never have a banker in charge of your trusts. They can invest the money willey nilley and not a good idea. I would go for the lawyers, not that they are perfect. If you go with lawyers you would still have to be on them. However that said if it is a community bank that your family has a long relationship with then I would probably trust them. I for sure wouldn't trust one of the huge national bankers.



Bingo, that must be a relief. I am quite sure your father may have had that intent but don't you think he would be appalled to see how they are treating your mother, I get the idea he wouldn't be too happy.

It sounds like you have made some great progress. I think you mom is going to do the right thing to protect you so you can protect her.

Di

Dianne,

And thank you for encouraging me to get Mom to this point. It really helped.

It is not good news to me that the lawyers apparently missed Dad's intent to have us all as co-trustees of the trust. Although that would be a nightmare. This will just prove to my brothers that they were right. Mom okayed me to talk to the lawyer about this. Havent yet, but he needs to stick up for me and admit they screwed that up. Still Mom signed the amendment and is not sorry.

She likes the bank guy a lot. He had been handling their investments for awhile. Right now she is talking about putting me in the first position and he in the second. I wonder if I should encourage her to change the trust positions too? A little mixed on that, but if I died young it would protect the rest of the family from psycho brother. (Yeah, why do I care?)

Unfortunately I had to go to the office today and my youngest brother, was the only one there. He dragged me down the whole path. "I lied to him. I'm on a power trip, Mom is clueless". "I dont want to involve psycho brother in any way." Well right on that one. On and on. I tried to institute the new policy of not defending myself. I probably did it about 50% of the time. It was hard as he threw nastier and nastier accusations and threats.

I did stay calm and repeat over and over again that I didnt think there was anything I could say that would change his mind, so I was giving up on defending myself. Naturally he didnt like that either.

I was actually having a pretty good day today. I felt like my old self; healthy and peaceful; enjoying the beauty of the world around me. Will try not to let it ruin the rest of my day. Thanks for listening.

Hi Liz, personally I would stop completely from defending yourself to them. I would be building up a good relationship with the lawyers, not them. Sure, they didn't have the right paperwork but they did have the right thing done.

I guess it is age but I have learned the hard way that you can't defend the indefensible. So what if that was your fathers "intent", he left your Mom in charge and that is all that matters. They will never accept any kind of explanation and you can do that until you are blue in the face but they are digging their own ditch so let them keep digging. Like they say when someone is digging their own ditch of evil, don't take the shovel away from them, just back away.

I would just try to stop defending yourself, you have done nothing wrong. They are not rationale and why should you allow yourself to be their punching bag?

All of that takes your focus away from caring for your Mom, don't let them rattle you, I know it is easier said than done but you have come so far with your Mom.

Di

You are so right, Dianne and I am going to work much harder at not defending myself. Unfortunately I work with this clown. And I guess he could "fire" me if he wanted, even though I am an independent contractor. As you said, there is no defending the indefensible.

Unfortunately younger Bro decided to take it out on Mom today and was over there beating on her for an hour about the same stuff. There is no way to dissuade him. He only left when I showed up. And begrudingly at that. Wanted to know why I just didnt go in the house when I saw his car there like he does when I am there? What???

Although she says she can take it, it rattled her and we were unable to do much of any other business today. Had wanted to talk to her again about the power of attorney, health surrogate etc, but she was too shook up. Kept forgetting what the lawyer talked to her about changing.

I am close to doing something about this abuse. I told Mom that is what it is. Her answer? Well, younger brother doesnt look at it that way. Geez!! Too bad. I am going to call the lawyer tomorrow and see if he will field questions from younger bro to take the heat off Mom and if he has other suggestions.

Wise move, ask the attorney to give you some advise about taking over. Also I would suggest contacting the elder abuse group for some input from them.

Jeez, they turn my stomach so can only imagine what it is doing to you. They have way crossed the line and from what you have said it screams elder abuse.

Di

The behavior is unbelievable. Especially because they think it is okay. Where do you pick up that kind of sickness? Oh yeah, I know where.

My Dad really wasnt a rager like my younger brother is. He was more of a quiet control freak like oldest brother. It still just floors me that they think this is okay.

The lawyer was great. He said he has been hired by your mother to settle your father's estate. Attempts to control, second guess, question and dictate to my mother are not helping. He told me to tell her to have them call him. Now if she will just do it.

She has done nothing towards changing her POA etc since talking to him on Tuesday. That is part of my stress and frustration. She will not act on his suggestions.

Even though he is on the other side of the country, my brother has managed to elicit sympathy from my mother. Earlier this year he moved from the midwest to a western mountainous state. He knows no one there. He didn't have a plan other than to get there via the bus. He did have the SSDI that my sister, my friend, and I helped him to secure, as well as medicare for his primary healthcare needs. He doesn't own a car and as far as I can tell he has no intention of getting one nor the resources to do so because he has no money despite a sizable disability settlement. Where did it go? No one knows really except that he went on 3 trips in the last 18 months. His is now crying poor because he has no money and no food stamps. Why? "They" didn't turn off his food stamps in his home state.

When I asked my mom about why he chose the state he moved to, she became very tearful and said, "He doesn't feel welcome here because of you and your sister." (huh?) I tried to not be mad and I was mostly just crying. I told her that it was hurtful that she said it like that because my sister and I had done more for him than anyone (other than her) and because we wouldn't accept his verbal tirades *he* didn't feel welcome. I also tried to just explain to her that I knew I couldn't talk to her about him, because she can't admit that he does anything wrong.

It will never change. I accept that he will never change which is why I can't have him in my life in even the least bit. What hurts me is that she can't accept that. I feel like she is trying to strong arm me into reconnecting, eventually accepting, and eventually enabling him. I can't do it. I won't do it.

Today, we got the closest we've ever been to my mom admitting that "he's not right." My mom established a special needs trust that would be executed upon her death for the benefit of my psychopath brother. She had to establish this so he doesn't run through any small inheritance and make himself ineligible for gov't benefits. It wasn't quite there, but it was the most close we've gotten to her admitting that he needs/requires extra help. Previously, he needed/required extra help but we weren't allowed to admit that he needed the help because something was wrong with him. The over-riding reason was his cancer, but the unspoken reason was his psychiatric issues.

Tonight, I am really sad and really burnt out. I am AGAIN realizing that by adjusting to, accommodating to, catering to our psychopathic brother and my other brothers (with varying degrees of mental illness and substance abuse) that I was raised to put my needs second (at best) if not ignore my needs altogether. I can't tell you the kind of trouble that this has created in my marriage and my relationships.

I've hardly ever observed a conflict resolved without a physical altercation happening. I've experienced the smallest amount of benign feedback escalated into arguments that raged on for days. From this, I've developed this hesitancy to articulate my needs, to object when I was maltreated, etc. I'm trying to change, but I am sick of this.

I'm sorry you are feeling bad.

It sounds as if you have maybe become accustomed to doing this as a form of self defence/self protection through appeasement and trying to defuse rather than escalate the situation?

Unless you are dealing with reasonable people, who are prepared to see and recognise the other side, that is sometimes the only way to cope with it?

Unfortunately not every bully does respect those who stand up to them, some just get enraged or take it as a challenge to crush that resistance.

It may be that you need to resolve it by changing who you are interacting with, rather than trying to change your interaction style with those who have brought this about?