I am in a great deal of pain right now, so please forgive me if I ramble on. My mother is starting to cave to the constant pressure of at least two of my brothers. Deep in my heart, I dreaded this would happen.

After keeping the trustee of my father's trust in age order, which would put me first, she is now talking about changing it to four co-executors, because at least two of the brothers "hate" her and me for being in charge.

I can not tell you what agony this will heap on me personally. The estate will never be settled if all four of us are co-executors. One brother lives a continent away and the other problem brother will not be happy unless he can delay the process indefinitely. Being the oldest, I will probably not live that long to see it.

I can not tell you how much this hurts me. All Mom had previously talked about was how it would be best to keep it in age order and she wasnt going to change that. How I had been continually passed over by my father in favor of the boys. Now, apparently that is all out the window after just a little pressure from the brothers.

I am so hurt. It is not about the money. It is about the ongoing agony of having to deal with three other people, two who dont want to settle anything and at least one a psychopath. Plus the pain of my mother flip flopping. We had talked about this extensively, so I just dont get it.

Trying to see a bright side or just let it go, as her call, but right now in too much despair to see it that way.

It was so wondeful to have some of these decade old wounds healing in me from the favoritism towards the men. Now back to square one. Trying to look at it differently but right now in too much pain.

Thank you for listening.

Dianne - Can you please expound a little bit more about how my mom's era plays into this? I think I know what you mean, but I'd like to hear more from you about this.

Liz - I'm so sorry. I know what this is like and could so relate to your use of the term "favoritism toward men." My sister and I find this to be a motivator in my mom's behavior too. (Maybe that is what Dianne is referring to? hmm, may have answered my own question.)

My mom defers to my brothers on so much simply because they are "men." She doesn't consider that one is an alcoholic, one is untreated bi-polar, one is a psychopath, and the other most healthy one has (finally) treated major depression. They are men and despite their lives being in shambles, they have as much sometimes more influence on her decisions than my sister and I who help to care for her. It is so maddening.

My only suggestion is for you to take your time in deciding what you will do next. Because my mother is old, I've often felt an urgency about decisions that isn't actually there. If it isn't about the money, perhaps you could drop out of being a co-executor. What does the attorney say? Ours advises against any more than 2 people making decisions.

You wrote that they "hate" her and you for being in charge. Perhaps she is just trying to keep the peace. Maybe this is where the lawyer could intervene. Maybe the lawyer could be "the bad guy" and advise against it rather than you or your mom. But take your time with this.

I'm very sorry and I very much know from where you are coming.

Hi Twin, I think that although I am sad to say our age era hasn't progressed by leaps and bounds. My father had an expression that I always heard growing up and it was "little pictures should be seen and not heard".

He had a very distorted view of his father who I can still recall him telling me as a young child that he was such a great guy that he would have given us candy. Reality was that he was a mean and abusive alcoholic.

My mothers side of the family also had a very abusive father toward their mother. Her and all her sisters went on to marry alcoholics and one married an extreme abuser physically yet they claimed my grandfather was not an alcoholic when they were growing up. I have a hard time making the leap that all of a sudden as he got older he became one out of the blue.

I don't think they just talked about things back then and we had no understanding that alcoholism is indeed a disease. Heck, we weren't even allowed to speak at dinner when I was growing up, I am sure there was a lot of abuse because my brother and I have blocked out most of our childhood.

My mother when she was older before she passed away expressed regrets to me about how my brother and I were treated. I saw her for the first time as a very pained and tortured person, after she divorced my father she went on to marry another alcoholic who was evil with a high mark on the Psychopathic charts.

I think they just had this keep a stiff upper lip way of thinking. In reality if you look at our generations since I am not sure we have sped down the super highway of progress. Now we have floods of therapists and it is indeed hard to find a competent one. We have a hard time finding real friends to listen to us.

I am just guessing because I have never met your mother that she just wants to leave this earth in peace. They did the best they could with the little knowledge they had to go on.

In my case my sister was the favorite child, my brother and I were the orphans in the group.

Di

Hi Liz, I am so sad to hear your mom is waffling on what will be a life altering and very unfair no matter how you shuffle the cards with all this co executor business.

My sil was smart and she had her father while he was still capable since her mother passed away first to get the estate into the hands of trust attorneys to handle. Trust attorneys aren't always a silver bullet but at least it is in neutral hands and she is protected from her drug addict and completely nuts sister.

Do you think your mom will consider leveling the playing field and put the entire estate into the hands of trust attorneys? I know you never want any bank to be in charge but finding good trust attorneys would stop all the crap from hitting you in the back.

I know it isn't always about the money but you do deserve to be heard and I hope you can find a way to reason with your mother to put the trust in neutral hands or she will have a hand at ripping you who had been her strongest supporter to shreds.

My mothers dead husbands estate just settled this week and the initial sting of being ripped off is settling. I have a couple of things that came from his side of the family and I have someone coming by to purchase them tomorrow. Frankly if they offer me fifty cents I will get rid of them just to have nothing that reminds me of him in my life. I was recently going through old pictures and the couple I had of him I ripped up and tossed in the trash. The things we wanted that came from my mother when she was married to our father got dumped by his attorney who was in charge.

I hope your mother will be reasonable and put this all in neutral hands to protect you for once in your life. I would let her know that if it goes into this co business that you will just have to bow out rather than accept the chaos that it is certain to happen, if she wants to be fair and reasonable.

Maybe try and approach her from that angle that you just don't have the energy to fight and don't want to fight but with her going back and forth it may soon come to a time that she is no longer able to be competent to make these decisions. Besides the fact that your brothers may just be able to get her declared in competent and I can only imagine they won't use the money to ensure she is taken care of properly. I bet they will figure out the cheapest way to house her so they can get their claws in the power position. All your family worked for could very well just get sucked down the tubes to attorneys and fighting.

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through.

Di

Thank you, Dianne. I appreciate your insights. My mom is from a long line of dysfunction. Her mother was alcoholic and she was often proud of how she followed the "don't talk" rules that had been conditioned in them. That "don't talk" rule has really bitten her in the butt over all of this.

I tell my kids that the "don't talk" rule is like holding your breath while you are running. Anyone can do it for a little while, but it is nearly impossible to do in the long term.

Liz, how are you holding up?

Diane and Twin,
Thank you so much for thinking of me. It was a very stressful day yesterday. I was so, so, sad and pained. It was like all those childhood memories of being abandoned and having no voice or count, came flooding back. It was everything I could do not to just go lie down. (Had work to do, so stayed at it.)

Then later in the day, Mom leaves a message saying she remembers how her will is set up and I am the executor. That she made it this way over my father's objections. Unfortunately she is incorrect and it is not set up that way. Her will is set up for all of us to be co-executors.

She didnt know why I thought she was considering changing it. Huh? Because she said that earlier in the day. We were actually talking about the trust, not the will. I am not sure anyone in the family understands how these two documents work. I believe I do because I asked the attorney.

Tried to talk to Mom today about changing her will to just me as she stated yesterday she thought it was set up. It was too "heavy" and she didnt want to discuss. So as you can see, it is also a matter of catching her in the right frame of mind, concentration level etc.

All the ups and downs, plus criticism and abuse from my brothers is wearing, along with trying to keep my life going and Dad's estate settling moving forward.

I dont know which is worse sometimes, being somewhat in charge, at least for the moment, or being an outsider. The outsider position really hurts but the insider position has drawbacks too.

I guess one of the most unsettling things is Mom is all over the map. She wants to change her will, the trust or she doesnt want to? She seems to understand it all. She doesnt.

I did suggest to her that she put the attorney in charge of the will and the trust but she didnt want to do that.

Thanks so much for listening and caring. It helps so much to not feel totally alone. The discrimination and humiliation my father heaped on me for years and now my brothers try to continue, has been so terribly painful for me.

Liz

Liz, we are here for you and am so sorry to hear the pain in your post.

I was in a different situation but still the same pain can grab me like a hook when I let my mind go to the fact that my mothers silver and other things we wanted went to some strangers.

I think you mom is not doing well as far as her memory. When the time is right, get things in order and be in charge. Get them all in the hands of the attorney so they are safe from any further changes.

There will come a time that someone will have to make the hard decision of your mothers care and I know you will do the right thing even if it means paying for in house support as long as possible. My sil's attorney were finally at a point with his memory and age to have him declared incompetent so there was nothing her crazy sister could any longer do. Now he has in home care and the money is being spent where it should be.

Personally I would get your mother to understand when the moment is right and take her to the attorneys to get it all in writing. I would call the attorney in advance telling them what she has agreed to and have it ready for her to sign right then so the deal is done.

Please consider doing this and don't let them roll her over, she is in the later stages of life and who knows when her memory and actions won't be able to be contested by them. Stand up for yourself now while you can. I think if your father were alive and knew how they are acting he would be at least cheering you on from heaven as his wishes were long ago before their true actions came into play.

You didn't deserve to be treated all your life like you have been, I hope you can get your mother to get this thing settled before it is too late.

I had a front row seat while my mothers husbands vulture step kids came into the action. They never were there to care for him, we did it all and in the end they "won".

I hate to have these feelings but I still think at times that I hope his drug addict daughter who got most of the assets chokes on her drugs. I know it is evil to think this way and I still wrangle with those thoughts.

Today I am happy that someone is coming by to take away the couple of things I inherited from his side of the family that he gave me when I moved. I wanted the few things from my mother not her evil husband.

It is so sad when it comes to money how it brings out the absolute worst in people. I never imagined it was going to happen to us.

I hope you can get your mother into a space to discuss this and get it settled and in the hands of the attorneys. Try everything you can and know you are the only one who will be there for your mother to have the funds to do the right thing. Now it seems this is a fight to protect your mother, who knows what they might do if she is declared incompetent.

Di

Thanks so much for the support and understanding, Dian. I am so sorry you had to go through the pain of watching others swoop in and get your Mother's keepsakes. That does not seem right at all.

Your advice is very good. I tried to talk to Mom again last night about her will, but again, she didnt feel well and didnt want to talk about it. I have talked to the attorney who said it would be a simple codicil to change Mom's will to me as executor, which is what Mom said she wanted all along.

It is defeating how poorly almost all my brothers have behaved. I never realized the depth of their hatred and mistrust for a woman being in charge. Or the depth of their entitlement. Pretty overwhelming.

I must take some better care of myself as I am feeling very tired and depressed these days. I am usually an upbeat person who wakes up excited, most days. Not feeling that and having trouble sleeping, despite being tired.

This board and the support of people here have been a huge difference. Otherwise I would feel totally alone. Thank you so much for that.

How did it go when the last remaining articles were carted away? How do you feel now?

Liz, I can hear and understand how horribly draining this all is but with your mom's memory going off and of, now is the time to get it done.

Now it really is more about protecting your mom. If you don't have the complete say in her care then she will be the one suffering and you will suffer by watching it happen. I think money just sucks and brings out the absolute worst in people. I can only imagine if they had a say in her care they would just toss her in the cheapest place they could find and be done with it. You on the other had would do the right thing with the assets and make sure she can be comfortable at home as long as possible. Your dad may have favored the boys growing up and yes I know that one real well, it really stinks but I am sure he would want you to do the best for his wife.

As far as the couple of things that came from my mothers psycho husband, well, the gal showed up, I had met her at a local auction and liked her a lot. The 3 inlaid nesting tables, the smallest was a music box she said came from Switzerland and the embroidered piece was around 100 years old. I sold them to her for $40. Could I have gotten way more money by advertising them on Ebay or somewhere else, clearly, but I am thrilled when I walk into my mud/laundry room and don't see them there this morning. I feel happier, it is my space with none of his vile energy around.

Lesson to those out there if your parents are older and ask you what you would like from them and you have the opportunity, don't be shy and take it while you can you never know what might happen. Luckily the last time I saw my mother and she asked me I did take some of her older jewelry and those I will treasure forever. At least those small items didn't end up in some strangers house.

I would focus on getting your mom to set things straight for her sake, only you will make the right decisions about her care if you are in charge. Make sure the will has the no contest clause stating that anyone who contests the will is automatically tossed out.

Your mom needs you now more than ever, the past can't be changed but you can do the right thing for her. I would have the attorneys write up what needs to be signed and take her to sign it, her memory is fading and you don't have time on your hands.

I know you must feel drained, I spent the last couple of years with anxiety over what he had done to us but the final pay outs were done this week so I have to move on. Do I still feel hate, I don't like the feeling but am working on that one.

Di

Dian,
I am so glad the agony is over for you. Great to hear that the last remnants are out of your house and you can move on. Two years is a long time to live with the agony and stress.

Did talk to Mom yesterday for awhile about settling the estate. Unfortunately the couple of items of priority time wise left little energy from her to discuss things like who is her power of attorny, executor etc. Will try to keep pushing that ball forward.

Because psychopath brother still has not filed his income tax for the companies, we dont have what we need to value the shares Dad had in the companies. So we had to ask the court for an extension. I didnt want to do that but there was no other way. I talked to both the lawyer and accountant yesterday.

Will try to keep protecting myself and Mom. Just wish it would be over. The depth of my brothers hatred for me and their feeling of entitlement is much higher than I ever would have anticipated. Depressing and shocking.

My Dad did them no favors but enabling them with this false sense that only men know how to do things. I expected it from psyco but not from the rest.

Will try to do things this weekend to relax and rest for another week of battle.

How are you feeling and doing? Do you have any plans that may have been put on hold by the stress of the last year? Any things you really want to do now that this is over?