Liz:

You wrote:

"The depth of my brothers hatred for me and their feeling of entitlement is much higher than I ever would have anticipated. Depressing and shocking."

I struggle with this too. My sister and I are the youngest in the family. Our brother moved out of the house when we were in elementary school. First, he was in the military. He enlisted for 9 years and decided not to re-enlist for an additional 3 years because he "didn't like being told what to do." Supposedly, the military was supposed to "straighten him out." He worked a series of part-time jobs while living in Alaska. There was even a few years in which not one single person from our family heard from him. Then he reappeared with little explanation of where he'd been or why he didn't feel the need or desire to let anyone know where he was. Then, about 20 years ago he was diagnosed with his first bout of cancer when he was in his early 40s and returned to our home state for treatments. Originally, his doctor thought that he was not likely to survive, but with intensive chemotherapy and eventually his own bone marrow being transplanted into him he had a period of remission. He returned to Alaska and we rarely saw or heard from him except when our dad died about 15 years ago. He turned our family's life upside down for about a year and then left again. About 7 years ago, he returned.

Despite him being gone for most of my upbringing and certainly not there when our family was going through my dad's illness, he BLAMES my sister and I as the reason why he is leaving this time. The truth is he always comes and goes. Once he blamed my dad. Once he blamed my mom. Now, it is my sister and I. It is always someone else. It is so irrational and I understand that it isn't based in reality. But, understanding that it isn't based in reality does not lessen the chaos it creates among the people who don't see that it isn't based in reality.

He's always been a pot stirrer. Years ago, I stopped allowing him to backstab and gossip about family members to me. I couldn't take it. But, we' ve got some family members who are more than willing to jump into the pot and yell . . . "stir away!" As long as he has people like that around him, he'll keep stirring.

"It is so irrational and I understand that it isn't based in reality. But, understanding that it isn't based in reality does not lessen the chaos it creates among the people who don't see that it isn't based in reality."

For some reason the above comment almost made me laugh. Dont know why. Truer words were never spoken. Isnt it weird that the rational ones are dismissed while the crazy ones get to stir the pot.

It is so easy to think that we are the crazy ones. My psychopathic brother, with my father's help, tried to do lay that on me for years. And sometimes, sadly, I believed it.

Even knowing we arent the disordered often brings little peace, as everyone else is so effected by their behavior.

Hang in there. I know it is hard. You hit your brother's behavior on the nail. He always left. The excuses have just changed.

I will hand it to my Mom. She must have gotten it all these years, that bro was wack, but was tilting at windmills, trying to convince my Dad. Dad was never going to admit that his namesake was bonkers. Instead he spent decades covering his tracks and enabling his behavior.

Unfortunately a little bit of it has rubbed off on my other brothers. That the men know best and they have some stick to be involved in the settling of my father's estate. They dont seem to realize that Mom is the executor, not them. .

Twin, thinking of you and sending a big hug.

Liz

Thanks for the big hug. I need it. (I laughed a little too when I re-read what I wrote. In an odd way, it makes total sense! ha ha!)

My brothers all have psychopathic traits. Every last one of them. They've got addiction, depression, bi-polar too, but they've all got at least some of the psychopathic traits. It is hard because their pathology was reinforced by my parents' deference to males.

Yes, the deference to the males in the family is very painful. Although I knew it existed, I didnt fully realize how entitled they felt until Dad passed and Mom asked me to help with the estate and her finances. Oh, the wailing and knashing of teeth! Even the brothers I thought I had a good relationship with have stated they should be in charge and can handle it better. Geez! Had no idea how archaic they were. Shocking!

I have heard every excuse on why I shouldnt be in charge from mental illness, ( not true...what an old saw against a woman at the helm), to they just know better for some odd reason they can never back up. Sickening! Good for Mom to see through it. They would drive her crazy if they were in charge with all their useless and pompous chatter. Plus they would not have the patience to actually assist her to be in charge.

Hi Liz, glad your mom sees through it all, have you had any luck getting her to get an iron clad will in place to keep their games from harming her future health? I can only imagine in my worst nightmares the decisions they would make if they had to decide how to care for your mom in the future if they were in charge.

I would gently suggest to your mom that only you can make the right decisions when it comes to a time that she can't.

My mothers psycho husband kept my mom on feeding tubes even though that was not her wishes and she had a living will, we had no say and decided that starting a legal battle against him wasn't in anyone's best interest. I wanted to travel there and say good-bye and he blocked me from doing so. His step kids had control of my mothers ashes and refused to give any of them to us, they were the ones who spread her ashes along with his, they hated her in life but they had the ashes and we didn't get even a pinch of them to have our own services and spread them where she grew up and had the happiest times in her life. We just boycotted the services they gave for him, I requested that my name not be mentioned at the services in any form and had the trust attorney get them to agree to it or I wouldn't be in any rush to sign. They were greedy and wanted the money as quickly as possible so they agreed, I also had them say in writing they would never contact me as long as I was alive. My brother went to their house just to sit in silence and say good-by and they called the cops on him and spent the money to change the locks and accused him of stealing.

She trusted her husband and I am sure she never in her wildest thoughts imagined that most of her assets would end up with the drug addict married to an x convict.

I am saying this to stress that I don't want you to live through this horror. Sorry if I am repeating this but it is critical and we learned the hard way.

Liz in answer to your questions, yes I am moving on and have started back working on some new designs and see the light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't a train rushing my way;). I could do a tap dance when I go into my laundry/mud room and smile as I look around and don't see the things that were there.

Di

Oh, also we did level the playing field in the end when the psycho was dying. His concerned step kids never traveled the few hours to visit him, they already had the cash from my mothers account and the will changed. My brother kept a close eye on him and when the time came that the home was considering feeding tubes he got them to look up his living will which stated no feeding tubes. We well remembered the Terry Shaivo case and the step daughter in charge of their group was a total right wing Christian so we had no idea if greed would let her make the right decision to not put him on feeding tubes so my brother was able to get it taken care of. We knew that had she gotten him on feeding tubes it would just suck more money from the estate.

I hate to sound so cold but when I got the call that he had passed, you would have thought I had just hung up the phone from a call from a stranger, no reaction. I did however go on a bit of a rampage to put in mildly when I got the will in the mail, lol, I actually hit my laptop keys so hard a couple of them bounced loose. I don't thing there was a swear word I didn't use;)

Now after 14 years of being taken down by a Corporate Psychopath and losing everything I feel at peace that all of this is over.

Di

Hi Dianne
I am so glad the nightmare is over for you and you are able to move on. Sounds like a horrid battle over many years. The peace must seem very sweet at this time.

That is so sad that you could not attend your Mom's service or have any of her ashes. Of course she will live in your heart forever and nothing they can do will upset that.

It sounds like your life is finally calming down and you can get back to a normal existence. That is wondeful to hear. There is an end to it!!

I have mentioned to Mom about her will. She was so sure she had me as executor but it is not written that way. She doesnt seem in a hurry to change it. Why, I dont know. Surely psyco brother and even pouting brother will hold it up. The good news is I am the first executor of the trust. So hopefully I can keep moving things along there.

Looks like psyco brother is doing nothing for Mom on Mother's Day. How pathetic. He keeps digging the hole. And this is the guy who made sure everyone knew on my milestone birthday that his was coming up in two flipping years. Huh!? Also reminded Mom of is birthday while he was berating her after my Dad's funeral. Of course there is no sense in the world of the delusioned.

I feel bad for Mom, but she says she is okay with it. What a jerk! He has been whining and crying and keeping score his entire life. It worked with Dad but doesnt look like it will with Mom. At least pouting brother came through and the other and family will be with us tomorrow. It is so hard to make sense of some of the behavior.

I have been having some very down and overwhelmed moments. I must get back to more self protection, although I thought I was doing that.

Will think of your Mother this weekend. Do you have anything special planned?

Hi Liz,

It is a work in progress, keep finding your center and be in the present moment. Giving thoughts toward them to me is like giving free rent in your mind to the devil.



Yes, I am finally free from them all. At least I know that I did the right thing to respect and love her and they can live with their own actions.



I miss her everyday but know she is okay and safe from her life of chaos. Like a very wise friend told me the "firsts" are always the toughest. He told he he didn't really believe it until his mom passed, I didn't really believe him until I lost my mom and yes the first birthdays, Mothers Day etc. are hard but they do get easier. On those occasions like tomorrow I will sit in silence and remember the good times we had together at the end. We were never close until the last few years of her life and for that I give thanks and will always be grateful.

I suspect your mom needs you now more than ever. Keep working on being the only one in charge, that is my best advise. Don't let them drag you through their evil and protect your mom. If the best you can do is to get a no contest order in her will that will keep you better protected to help her as she ages. I would consult with the attorneys to find out the best way to make sure it is worded so if they contest the will they are tossed out.

Di

How did your Mother's Day go Dianne? Hope you were able to find some peace and a calm center.

Ours was a little rough although one pouting bro lives out of town most of the time and psycho bro was in Chicago. He finally sent a card that she received on Saturday night.

Bad news was Mom got into it with pouting bro in California and for some reason took it out on me throughout the day. In the past she has tended to snipe at me at family gatherings as a way to relieve her stress. Usually I can deflect but it was getting old. I left feeling tired and bloated from eating too much.

Oh well, another day and hopefully a better one.

I did talk to her Friday, again about changing her will. She thinks the brothers will just hate me more. I told her I can live with that to the benefit of settling the estate less painfully.

Let me know how you are doing?

Well it got worse with Mom this morning. She is still mad at me supposedly because I took over Mother's day by putting up a slide show on her computer of one of the big events we had this weekend with the nieces.

Here I was already saddened by her treatment of me yesterday and apparently she is totalled po's at me. I think it is really unfair and it hurts.

She even went so far to say I am trying to run her life and put the spotlight on me all the time. She acted like I have been acting independently of her and talking to the lawyers etc and she is not involved. That is so untrue. Any time I did anything I talked to her about it first. And many times she has told both the lawyer and others to just talk to me.

Of course it hurts but there is fear there also. Fear that this is just what the brothers have been waiting for. For her to get mad at me and saying I am doing everything wrong. Then they can swope in and say "see we were right, she cant handle it" and we are back to the reign of terror.

She went on about how she needs to take charge of her own life. Not a bad idea really. Still it just hurts and seems so unfair. She had a big blow out on the phone with my brother in California right before I got there on Mother's Day. Although I asked her repeatedly, she denied that had anything to do with her anger towards me UGH!!