I thought that since this conversation is vital because things said to us that we know are not true but have a serious impact on our self esteem.

I dont know if it is the psychopath that says these things or if this is even what you are looking for, but any comment made to me that I am "less than" by the family seems to trigger something.

I have heard I am "selfish" when trying to carve out a peaceful niche for myself.

"Controlling" when trying not to be effected by all the family craziness.

"Dont know because I dont have kids or am not married". "Have more time to devote to family chores" and sometimes drama, because "I dont have kids and arent married".

Often times accusations are made about my imagined behavior, often untrue, when I was living out of town over 30 years ago as an excuse to put me down.

It just goes on and on. Even though I know the comments are rational, they still hurt and make me feel bad about myself at times.

Thank you for starting this thread.

"Well, you're not perfect either." (He says this.)

"You're so mean to him." (other family members say this)

++++++++++++++

My sister and I are also blamed by him for how bad his upbringing was despite him being about 13 years older than us. Liz, it is how you are held responsible for imagined behavior (untrue) from when you were living out of town. huh?

Hi, I am working on my writing. My new psychologist gave me an assignment at our first session and it was interesting as I wrote it because it was all about the triggers that set me off my self esteem balance. Being taken down by a corporate Psychopath it really triggered them all and set my self esteem to the bottom of the lake.

Di

Partially due to the craziness in my family and the beginnings of the glorification of the males; plus being told women were not allowed in the family company, I moved out of state after college.

I had a few drinking incidents there spaced out over a period of years and eventually gave up drinking. One brother, in particular, likes to allude to those times as a reason I should not be respected or given family responsibility. It is just a convenient excuse, but it still hurts. These incidents happened almost 30 years ago, for crying out loud. But any excuse works.

I had a long talk with my mother last night. She has been triggered and is living in some fear, plus feels bad after running into psycho's MIL. She snubbed my mother in public and I can tell it really hurt.

Mom is ruminating over how she feels like she is being mean for standing up to the greedy and psychos. She also has fear of what will happen next. Dont blame her, but want her to feel good about herself and what she is doing.

Tried to take her down the path of "OK, say you did things differently and deferred to the brothers wishes, how would that look and feel?" She agrees that doesnt work either, but still has the fear and the running commentary in her head that she is bad. Ugh!!

Tried to impress upon her that she is the leader now and the leader doesnt always have everyone's agreement and love. Hope I helped, but not sure. It is so unfair of them to pummel an 85 year old woman.

Hi, was talking to my Psychologist, boy is he great.

I was exploring my "hyper alert" feelings both from childhood and then being taken down by a Corporate Psychopath. I am getting ready to make my first big sales call and starting back to work. All these things are roaring in my mind. As an example and trust me there are many they may sound silly. For example my mother for many years insisted that my hair looked better shorter and then when I grew out my hair and saw my mother she said my hair never looked better. I was criticized for my lipstick, weight etc. On the positive side those critical comments worked to make me presentable but they still to this day have this nagging fear that my lipstick won’t be perfect etc.

I told him that I needed to explore these imbedded feelings so that I can focus on the positive side of me and no longer let these things as crazy as they sound not drive the rest of my life.

He said the term would be: hypervigilant and explained that those feelings have a great impact on our health as they rise to levels that are not healthy.

Hypervigilance Definition
From Wikipedia

Hypervigilance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hypervigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion. Other symptoms include: abnormally increased arousal, a high responsiveness to stimuli, and a constant scanning of the environment for threats. Hypervigilance can be a symptom of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and various types of anxiety disorder. It is distinguished from paranoia. Paranoid states, such as those in schizophrenia, can seem superficially similar, but are characteristically different.

Hypervigilance is differentiated from dysphoric hyperarousal in that the person remains cogent and aware of his or her surroundings. In dysphoric hyperarousal, the PTSD victim may lose contact with reality and re-experience the traumatic event verbatim. Where there have been multiple traumas, a person may become hypervigilant and suffer severe anxiety attacks intense enough to induce a delusional state where the effect of the traumas overlap: e.g., one remembered firefight may seem too much like another for the person to maintain calm. This can result in the thousand-yard stare.

Symptoms
People suffering from hypervigilance may become preoccupied with studying their environment for possible threats, causing them to lose connections with their family and friends. They will 'over-react' to loud and unexpected noises; become agitated in highly crowded or noisy environments etc. They will often have a difficult time getting to sleep or staying asleep.

Source



When these things happen I always remember the wise words of a great Zen teacher, she said when we decide to beat ourselves up, it is only a matter of what size club we choose.

They love to dig up the past as an excuse to "put you in your place". To this day my sister will dig up things that I did in my past to infer that they make me not trustworthy. We learn from our past, that is called growth but it can be used to "club" us back into that place if we allow it, many times it is purely projection on their part. In my case I haven't had a drink in over 15 years, yet my sister is one to pop the cork on the wine. My "wild days" are in my past yet you can see how projection works.

Di

I have to comment,



I don't think the comments are rational in any respect, they are words to punish. Rational would be to see you how you are today.

Di

Some how I missed this post. It is fascinating and is speaking to me but exhausted right now. Will look at it tomorrow.

Yes, how am I held accountable for things that happened over thirty years ago while I lived out of town? Because anything is considered ammo and they have nothing else.

The one brother I currently have a relationship with, said to be prepared to be told I am incapable of handling Mom's estate, possibly for mental reasons. Huh??? Is that the ancient saw that woman are irrational and unable to handle business decisions? Especially comical because I am a successful independent contractor and presence in the community. Geez!!

But the frustrating thing for me is there is no fighting this type of irrational thinking. And it does bring up parts of my past which are painful, although there is nothing I can do about it at this point.

Guess they are/were much better at hiding their craziness or somehow it was accpeted as typical male behavior.

My father created such a dysfunctional pattern for the family by elevating the men way beyond their capabilites while simultaneously putting down my mother and me.

The hyper vigilant behavior is very interesting to me. I tend to over think or think about everything. That is getting particularly hard to turn off at this time. It has resulted in difficulty falling and staying asleep. I would say that is my most telling issue related to this. I dont feel like I am constantly scanning the horizon for threats. Mostly I spin around in my head about the future. How do you turn that off?

I too was constantly criticized as a child about my then look; chubby, thick kinky hair. My family still rides me about appearance or personal habits for instance if they dont like they way I perform a specific task. Many times I cant win no matter what I do. Where is it written that I should be constantly open to criticism? But that is the family way.

Thank you, Dianne for bringing up this topic. It seems very relevant for me at this time. Hope I can get a handle on letting this behavior go and getting some peace.

It's a cascading emotional domino effect, isn't it? We all know a lot more about how the world REALLY works now, hey? When they say, "it's a jungle out there," we can say we have experienced it tooth and claw, in a way many never will.

About 4 or 5 months after I was toyed with and then discarded like trash I was in a hotel lobby waiting with my luggage. A nice looking man sat next to me and started up an innocent conversation about the weather. He seemed like a kindly humble person. I started to shake uncontrollably. It was so pronounced I had to make a hurried excuse to get up and walk away. Can you imagine human kindness affecting you that way? The Psychopath who tried to take me down, was (appeared to be) pure help, support and kindness. That's how he got through my defenses. Now, unless I have proof to the contrary I am suspicious of all men, particularly those who appear to be kind!!

It's one thing to be suspicious of somebody who's slick, but quite another to have to be suspicious of people who appear to be very kind! That has to be the ultimate Psychopath camouflage.

I've noticed lately, and also therapist assisted, that since the Psychopath experience, my body reacts to familial shaming exercises as if I am actually being physically attacked. I don't know if that is hyper vigilance, but rather hyper or appropriate sensitivity to the gob-smacking insensitivity of family. I've learned way too late that I should have cut my siblings out of my life a long time ago. They responded to what was a traumatic experience, by ladling out judgements and or, refusing point blank to listen because they didn't want to indulge "my obsession". Ahahah...This was one month after the discard!
Hilarious.... They were simply bored by my extreme emotional pain. A veritable nest of narcissism there!

I am hyper aroused and probably born a bit that way. Then nurture took over. You don't humiliate or heavy-hand a little girl who jumps a foot in the air when she hears flies buzzing on the window. I think I became physically ill in my teens from years of being on emergency alert. My father was just too too much.