I signed up to this forum today and am so glad I did. Normally when I share my stories about my family, be it to friends or more lately to a solicitor, I'm pretty sure they think I live in La La Land.

The problem is my parasitic brother.

He's been a pimp, killed 2 people in his car while drunk, run up debts which I and my elderly mother had to deal with, and now .... his plan, as far as I can see ... is to live off my mother who has dementia, as all his money has gone.

Luckily I have power of attorney, of which I think he is unaware, but I know that when she needs to go into a home to be properly cared for he will resist. Not because he wants to care for her but because his free rent / heating / food deal will come to an end.

I've talked to solicitors and a care professional, but they can offer me no advice other than to tell me to deal with it as and when it happens.

Unfortunately I can't cross him at the moment because we both inherited a patch of land which I am trying to sell as I have to pay a lot of bills on it every month. If I move against him now he will block the sale and I'll be paying out a fortune in perpetuity - and be connected to him, so for now I'm pretending to believe his lies about wanting to care for Mum. By the way I gave him the land, but he let all the insurance cheques bounce so I had to take it back again.

However, in the past he has broken every promise to her and to me. He has no conscience. None. The world begins and ends with him. We are walk-on characters in the movie of HIS life.

He will shortly go away during which time I will be able to act. One friend says I should sell my mothers home so she can go in a nice care home where they stimulate her, take her out, give her a nice life. The local social workers say however that I should arrange for care people to pop round to her home a few times a day to make sure she eats etc.

He has been living with her for 6 months and has basically lain on the sofa and watched TV. He's not worked in about 7 years and has a disability (from a road accident when he was drunk). At first he ate so much of her food she started hiding it. I found rotting milk and packets of biscuits.

So to make sure she ate I had to step in and get food delivered, but now he is phoning me up to get me to order more food. So it seems I am feeding the both of them. I can't not buy the food because if I do she will starve!

It's such a mess. I've had some very dark thoughts over the past few months as I can't see a way out of it.

Every time he gets in trouble he calls me up and I have to bail him out. When he's at home he takes advantage of my mother and I'm worried about her. When he's abroad with his girlfriend (who he recently revealed has stolen off him - oh what a lovely pair) I'm terrified I'll get the call that says 'Pay £XX,XXX or he'll rot in jail'. His predilection for dishonesty is such that people want to do him harm. His father-in-law came at him with a knife! Even now he's embroiled in a court case abroad because he lent a car on Hire Purchase to someone who absconded with it.

He's an idiot with no impulse control and an unshakeable belief that he is more intelligent than everyone else! They say a fool and his money are soon parted. It took him just a few months to blow 5 figures, yet he still thinks of himself as an astute businessman.

I am so fed up with being his safety net. Yet I have no choice because he is living off my mother. And, here's the kicker, she loves it! She knows he's dishonest, lazy and selfish, but in her eyes the sun shines out of his back side. In fact since he moved in she couldn't be happier.

Any thoughts, musings, advice to offer?

I'm afraid when the time comes for her to get proper care he'll refuse to leave her home or stop the sale. Then what happens? A lengthy battle in court? I've contacted a few charities on dementia for advice and they've been next to useless. Yet surely someone, somewhere has been through the same thing?

No advice but I feel real sorry for you. My psychopaths mother adores him too even though he borrows off her large sums of money for his drugs, has her bail him out of jail and beat her up. Not sure why some mothers so this when they sons that act so horrid.



What ever will he do when she passes or has to go into a care home? Does he have plans to move in with you? God, help you if he does! I would keep reminding him when mom passes away he's either going to have to live on his own or move in with his girlfriend. Does he have any legal holdings on the house? Is there anyway your mom can have the house signed over to you? I don't know anything about your property laws over there, here neither.

Hi Flora

Thanks for getting back to me. It's very kind of you. My mother has dementia so it's too late to get her to make any decisions. Also I have to be careful not to upset her as she doesn't do stress. Never did to be honest. I've been looking after her since I was 9.

As for my brother I've hoping he has a soft spot I can target: his ego. If he gets nasty I can leak news in his social circle as to what I think his motives might be. He likes people to think he's a laid back jack-the-lad; everybody's friend. I could use that.

Other than that I'll just have to get tough with lawyers somewhere down the road. Though that terrifies me. In my experience with them they don't really give a sh*t. They just want to rack up billable hours.

But you're right about my fear of him coming to live with me one day. I have visions of me as a little old lady with him as my lodger. But to be honest when my Mum passes, I will probably disappear. I love him, but I don't want him in my life. As soon as any men find out about my family they run away. I oly wish I were able to do the same.

Hope you're here because you've survived a relationship with one of the toxic 1%. Are they born or made do you think? My Dad was the same so I think part of his psychology is inherited. But also when he was a child and acted up he was never punished. Mum was too much in pain and, well, ineffectual, and Dad thought any indiscretion was an amusing chip off the old block. Perhaps he could have been OK with different parenting? It's why I still love him. I know what he went through as a boy.

Maria

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