Sex with a psychopath, variations of a theme

Very short and simple to describe the sexual pattern with my 'dear' psyhcopath. When things went wrong which was every day or if lucky every other day, after the hammer rampages, violence and abuse, she got all excited and have hot sex.

Not complaining about the sex at all, but what it was strange was that she would get all sexed after the violence outburst and pain was visible on my side. Sex would happen as if nothing had happen. It was a sort of way to make peace and move on. I would be so much down, so scare that some affection even if only in the form of sex was a big release and at last some relaxation. But comes morning or soon afterwards she would go back to the same old abusive pattern. For me it was the only way to bring her tension down, calm her down, get some peace, even if only for so long as sex lasted. But interesting enough there was never mouth kissing. In two decades of sexual activity we may have mouth kissed as part of the sexual act less than a dozen times and it was NEVER a 'true' thing.

Occasioanly when we still had some sort of communication and I made a comment about it she said that mouth kissing was an 'exchanging of saliva.' Later I read that prostitutes rarely mouth kiss with their clients. I dont know because I am not into prostitutes studies but that is what I heard. I find it interesting because you can fake everything about sex but you can not fake affectionate mouth kissing. You know when it is fake.

Towards the end of the relationship I lost interest in sex not because I didnt enjoy it but because I felt it was disgusting and dirty. It took place in a vacum bubble in total isolation from the dysfunctional relatiosnhip. It was only but sex out of the context of the relationship. It was only but sex in its most instinctual (animal) form just like monkeys or any other animal. Long before it was over I remember having told the therapist that the only thing we had in common or did it together with some sort of peace and pleasure was sex.

Sad, very sad and even more so because I knew something was wrong and did nothing about it. After all it was the only way to calm her down while getting my own. I must confess that to some extend her hot sexual behavior was stimulating. She would go wild and for the moment it was pleasurable. Sad it was in isolation as if lost in deep space within a soap bubble.

Oh my god I can totally relate to this!!!
No mouth kissing, thats so true!! When I think about it, there wasn't much kissing in the relationship at all, he just avoided it. We never really pasionatelly kissed! I dont think psychopaths can do that, just like you wrote - you cannot fake a real passionate kiss!

HPV or STD episode

It gets 'better' here on how a psychopath works. Towards the end of the relationship my 'dear' psychopath had her routine yearly medical check up. Her gynec was volunteering in Central America and his back up was an inexperienced recent graduate. The check up returned with a positive for HPV which is considered a STD. She blew it all up. First, she made it sure that she had married me virgin (I question it but that is not the point for now), second, that she had always been faithful (I also question that), and last, that therefore I was the one who had given her a STD.

The first to know were the kids, but then also all her friends ('lucky' me I had no friends at that time), family and, of course and as usual, the threat to tell all my colleagues at work so to go public and everybody knows that I am a pervert. What hurt me most was hearing from my kids that I had given mom a STD. It was sad, truly sad. There was no way I could explain how come she had gotten HPV. I was faithful to her, meaning that had absolutly no affairs outside of the marriage. I knew that pretty well. So ... how was it possible? The only option (at least in my mind) was that she was the one who got it some where. I had no other explanation. Meantime the kids got really angry with me because 'I had given mom STD.'

In desperation and if such was the case then I needed medical attention. I went to the family doctor who already knew some of the family 'history.' He recommended lab work and told me that he was almost sure I didnt have anything. The lab work returned, indeed, negative results. He also suggested that she be tested again with more precise lab work. I insisted with her to do it. If the STD was real then she had to take care of it. The well being of the kids could be at risk.

Mean time her old time doctor returned to his normal practice, took over the case and tested her again. The verdict was 'negative' for HPV. I was amazed. I told my family doctor who spoke to the other doctor who suggested that I call. The gynoc was infuriated. He assured me that my 'dear' psychopath had no HPV and that the mistake was in part due to the inexperience of his backup and the lack of reliability of the first lab work. He assured me that the more sophisticated lab work showed only but negative results.

I talked to her about the 'grave' and unfair mistake and asked her to make up for the damage. I asked her to tell the kids that it was all a misunderstanding. She refused to. Even if there were no incriminating facts I was still guilty of being a pervert. I explained the kids myself that I could not have given mom STD because mom had no STD. They didnt look like they were convinced. The stain and damage had been done. She never apologized to me, the kids or as far as I know never labelled her accusations as false and that there was a lab 'misunderstanding.'

The family doctor who already knew what was going on told me that what she did (tell the kids that I had given her STD) was not humane. I had reached the conclusion that she was not human a long time ago. Reassuring neverthless to hear it from someone else. If asked I am certain she will reply not to have done anything wrong. The first doctor was the one who mis-diagnosed her. 'Ops, not my fault the first to hear about it were the kids.'

I didnt post for some time because I felt a little better for a few days. I only come here when I am down and about to drink again. Last night one of the nightmares came back and I was down most of the day. So here you have what became the last great humiliation: 'the kiss my feet episode.'

I had finally learned how to deal with my dear psychopath: the only way to deal with her was not to deal with her. I begun having my own life. I literally taped my mouth. No more discussions because there was no more talking. I assumed that in order to have a somehow decent life I had to move on. I begun having long nature walks, when possible I went camping alone (well, the dog also came with me), doing serious wood work (big projects), and of course take care of the kids (she was absent most of the time). She understood that she was loosing control of me and that I was having my own life. This is when she begun planning the kidnap. She made it sure that I knew about it (an expert in threats). I was absolutely terrified and I asked her for the children's sake not to do it. I told her that it would be devastating for the kids. As usual she could not be reasoned with. Then came the ultimate humiliation: she asked me to kiss her feet because otherwise she would take the kids away. It was, so she said, the only way for me to redeem myself and have the kids. My last chance, she said. I was so terrified that she would do good on her threat and so ... on my knees and crying I kissed her feet. Once, twice, (I dont remember know how many times) till she was satisfied. I hate what I did. I keep having this nightmare of begging her for my kids while kissing her feet. The nightmares continue to be as real as it was back then. It was the ultimate humiliation. I thought that kissing her feet and beg for my kids had done it. It didnt. Without my legal permission she took the kids to another continent. I thought I had paid the ultimate price and that her threat was hollow. I was wrong. It was to no avail. Yes, it was kidnapping because they were minors and she needed my written consent to take the children out of the country. She managed to work around the consent thing (how she did is not the point for now).

I am sorry, I am so sorry to have allowed my myself to be humiliated in such way. I am humiliated of having even to confess it. I am sorry, I am so sorry I brough myself as low as low can be. At least I got it out of the system and let the world know the meaning of humiliation. There you have it. If someone asks you what is humiliation, mention my story. Humiliation at its best. In return all I ask for is the nightmares to stop. They are so real. It is like going over and over, again and again, the kissing of her feet. The nightmares are as real as the real thing and I hate it. Cant take it anymore.

Dear Noone,
I am so sorry to hear about your pain, both of your humiliation and the kidnapping.
Humiliation is about shame. Whilest I entirely understand how anyone would feel shamed to have been forced to kiss someone's feet in this deliberately and intentionally humiliating way, please remember why you did it- to try to protect your children by preventing their kidnap.
You have no reason to feel shame or humiliation for trying to protect them, however you had to try to do so.
You are entitled to hold you head up proudly that you were selflessly prepared to do even that to try to protect them.
I hope you can take some solace from that.

Yes, I know. You are right. Anyone would have done anything to save his or her own. But somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that at the bottom of things that by fulfilling her threats I wouldnt achieve anything. I was living in LaLa land thinking that allowing myself to be humiliated would fix the problem. I would have done anything to protect and keep my kids but I was stupid to believe that such an humiliation would have fixed the problem. How stupid of me. Nothing would have satisfied her thirst for 'blood.' After all she abused and humiliated me for 20 years. All under threats. I sort of knew in the back ofmy mind that satisfying her thirst for blood would only bring more misery. Stupid, very stupid of me to fall for it one more time.

When good Karma kicked in

Yes, there was end to it. Summer came along and she asked to take the kids for a short vacation. She had made a big investment (many hundred dollars) in our living quarters. I suspected that she may kidnap the kids but ... why would she make such a big investment in real estate? So, although I suspected that a kidnap was on the way I had all the reasons not to trust my intuition.

She needed a written consent to take the kids out of country. I gave it but explicitely stated that it was only for the period of a month and a return. I regret it. I only found out later that she cleaned up all her documents, bank accounts, etc, etc. Onmu side of things, having a month vacation was a great idea. I had not had such a long period of time for myself exclusively. So I did what I loved best. Back to nature (something like camping but better than camping.

I dont want to give up that information). Two weeks later as I was enjoying my little paradise she called. It was 4:30PM and the call lasted for a few minutes. She wasnt coming back and the kids were gone. It was over unless I would pack and go back within a week. First, it was not mechanically possible for me to go back. It was the middle of the Summer. An airline ticket would have costed a fortune (if possible at all because I was sort of 'camping' in the end of the world). So at that moment I made the ultimate decision. NO MORE. I knew I was about to pay a high price for my decision. I told myself 'enough is enough.'

When I made that decision 'good' karma kicked in. I was alone in the wild a few days trying to figure out what I had just decided but then I went back into civilization and what followed was only but good karma. I met people who were in the same environemt and I was very open about was going on with my life. I didnt know people could be so nice to me. They cherished me, they came and checked on me. They gave me the support I needed. Then one of my acquaintances become very friendlyand supporting.

I shared my life story with her and we became involved(yes, there was great sex). I was in paradise and with an angel next to me, supporting me and even loving me. This is what I call good karma kicking in. I got the help I needed when I needed it most. Call me lucky! We stayed together for the rest of the summer. Without such a support I would have never withstand my 'dear' psychotapth's phone call and demands. I knew however that the duration of my new relationship was only a short summer adventure.

She was half of my age and from another continent. When summer was over she went back to her place and I back to my place. Without her support -love- I would not have survived. When summer was over and I was back to the regular life I made many acquaintances, a few good friends and my family was very supportive. Having being deprived of human relationships I now truly valued interpersonal relationships. I was (and still am) in a small very closed community where everyody know everybody.

They all knew I was being abused and a sort of were happy to see me free at last. It is a sort of 'primitive society' so you in the US will never understand what is this community life. I met a couple of very interesting women (with sex) but we didnt click. I knew that sooner or later a special one would show up. And,indeed, she did. Love at first sight. A decade younger than me and a wonderful person. We have been together now for 3 years and she never hurt me not even ONCE. No more pain. We now live together and ... just as in Hollywood 'happy ever after.' So, I am blessed. I consider myself immensley blessed.

Good karma kicked in as soon as my psychopath was over. BUT, I lost my kids. Within a few months from the kidnap the kids got into troubles. The youngest one got into drugs, violence (imitating the mother), mutilation, robbery and and last mental institutions. My 'dear' psychopath tried everything to get me back by making me feel guilty for what was happeningto the kids but I didnt give up. I said, NO. It was the first time I told her up front 'enough is enough.' But in the process I 'abandomned' my kids in the hands of a psychopath mother. If I had gone back it would had been the same abuse all over again. Now she forbides them to contact me. 'I dont care for them.' 'I abandomned them' and so goes the story of a psychopath. The 'victim.'

When I told her that it was over and that now I had my life she became all sweet. She was sweet, so sorry. She even asked for forgiveness, etc, etc. But I knew better. It was all fake. Even her tears were fake! Amazing how a psychopath can fake even the tears. I stood on my own ground. After all I had given up after that faithfull 4:30PM call. I had already given up my heart and slept with another women, so ... I could not go back. It was over. When she realized that it was over she became violent again (yes, her sweet thing was fake) but I was back to the other continent where she couldnt reach me anynore. She still tried neverthless. She called my family, wrote letters to the IRS of both continents, called my friends in the middle of th enight and worst of all wrote infamous letters to my employer and colleagues at work.

But, again, this is when my good karma kicked in: no one took her serisouly! Her claims/accusation were so outrageous that everyone who knew me laugh about it. I was surprised that everyone knew she was a sort (to say the least) lunatic. I didnt know everybody knew about it! But then came the ultimate threat: no more contact with the kids. And, once again I told myself, 'enough is enough.' The blackmail goes on. The oldest daughter got a new and expensive car in the condition that she will not communicate with me.

The youngest one writes me from all sorts of friends' e-mail boxes when she is hospitalized in mental institutions. She wants me to come and get her out. I told her that all she needed to do was get into a plane and get out. Space is over, more in next post.

Got out of space in my previous post, so here is the rest of the story.

I bought her a ticket and she was suppose to run away. But she needed a consent to travel, the kid couldnt figure it out and the mother torpedo it all. Now her excuse is that I am a pedophile and that she is doing it to protect the kid. I wrote my daughter about the mother's claim and she wrote me back that even if she says that it is not true the mother still makes the charges. Mother wrote me that she filed charges against me. I worry but something tells me that something is not right.

If the kids rejects the accusations and I havent been heard, there is no evidence, then how can she file charges? The psychopath again. Now, I know better. But ... I am far, far away out of her reach. Her money can buy justice in the US but the place where I am now money doesnt buy justice. I chose silence and a low profile in order not to make it worst for the kid. She is in and out of mental institutions and having problems with violence, drugs and the law. I have told her that as soon as she will not need a travel consent she will have an airline ticket waiting for her. But... then there is the passport problem. Her mother is keeping her passport and documents.

The saga goes on which is another story. For now I only wanted to write about my good karma. Surely, I still wonder how lucky I am that my good karma kicked in as soon as I said 'enough is enough' and I stood up for myself.

Reading my own posts and asking why I am here writing about my life with a psychopath I arrive once again at the same conclusion. I tolerated so much abuse because I wanted to keep the family together. I knew all along that what she was doing was wrong but I persisted and allowed it to go on. When the family broke up it was not me who did it. What haunts me most now is that at the kidnap point I gave up and ran away. 'Enough was enough' so I thought but I was wrong. For the kid's sake there should not have been an enough.

Things settled down and now I am not in any better condition. In fact I am in permanent pain. I left at least one of the kids entirely at her hands while knowing that she was nuts. I abandomned the kid at the mercy (lack of mercy) of a psychopath mother. The kid is in a terrible condition. Drugs, sex, violence, self mutilation, problems with the law and in and out of mental institutions. So, I blame myself for it. I survived her psychopath mother because I was a grown up (sort of). I can now see what happens when the same psychopathology is pressed upon a kid. Much more destructive. It is my fault I didnt fight back and saved the kid. I just gave up and ran for my life. Enough was not enough.

In this context the self blame goes back at least a decade. When I first went into therapy I managed to drag her there and after the initial sessions the therapist asked to meet only with her. It was fine with me but it only lasted a short time. I remember to have heard that she had no time for chats, that she had her own friends to talk to and that the therapist was missing her point. I had no choice but continue the therapy alone. It went on for many years. I always told the therapist what was going on at home and at some point she noted that mother was now abusing the kids just as she abused me. In our language we called it back then 'abuse.' The word psychopath was not acquainted.

I was shocked to realize that it could be a possibility and argued that I just couldnt believe that she would abuse the kids as well. We talked and talked about it and at last the therapist told me that according to State law she was obliged (her duty or responsibility, I dont recall the exact term) to report child abuse to the appropriate agency. I asked her not to do it. I was afraid of what could happen. Apparently and unfortunately I was persuasive enough because she did not report. But she wrote a 15 page report discussing my health (the IBD) and possible poisoning. The term she used was 'spouse abuse.' I already wrote about it here.

Why in the world did I stop the therapist from reporting child abuse to the State agency? She should had known better. Abuse is abuse. Anyway, at least 'spouse abuse' was now on record. The insurance did not want to pay anymore for therapy and so I had to see a psychiatrist in order to be treated with drugs. I met the psychiatrist for a few sessions and another 'spouse abuse' report was written and circulated.

Nothing happened. I dont blame anyone for allowing the abuse to go on but I do blame them for not reporting even if against my own wish a case of child abuse. After all it was (and is) a State law to report child abuse.

Anyway, I have a great life now. I got it right this time but I am in more pain than when I was abused by my 'dear' psychopath. I blame myself for abandomning the kid in the hands of a psychopath mother. I should not have done that. I was selfish for looking only after my own self. I sould not have said 'enough is enough.' For the kid's sake enough should have never been enough. I am sorry. I am so sorry.

Reading my last posts I found it interesting how many times I used the word 'abandomning.' I find it interesting because it is exactly the same term or 'accusation' of my 'dear' psychopath. We share the same accusation but for different reasons. Maybe I am assimilating, incorporating unto myself what is coming from the psychopath? I thought I knew better. Maybe she is still getting to me because I blame myself the same way she blames me. Maybe it is just coincidence.