Hi NoOne, I tried to PM you but it said it was disabled. I know completely about how I let the Psychopaths and drinking my pain away. Prefer to talk one on one, but not sure how since it keeps giving me that error message.

Chryss

At my end of things all is working just fine. I dont want to give my private e-mail to anyone. I wish to remain as anonymous as anonymous can be. You can post at the thread anonymously as well.

Sex with the dead? Is this a common psychopath's pathology?

There was another parallel theme in our sex life: my 'dear' psychopath imagined herself having sex with a dead man.

Yes, you read it right, she wanted to have sex with a dead man. This is how it goes. She needed some sort of clitorial stimulation to get things going and the way she did was to rub herself against my 'bone.' Laying sideways she mounted on me and rubed her clitoris against my bone. Her orgasm was always wild. Only then she wasable to move on to 'real' sex. Without having first her 'fix,' however, not much would happen. It was a sort of warming up or prelude to the real thing. It was fine with me because, first, it was obvious that she was enjoying herself, and second, I had no complains about the action that followed. She was truly warmed up. Once I talked about this with my therapist and she said that some women need clitoral stimulation in order to get into the mood. Hearing that from a women was reassuring.

So far so good, except that I, her partner, had to play a 'little act' for her (yes, it is getting kinky). That little act was 'faking that I was a dead man' (her own words). Meaning, that in my 'act,' I could not move, touch her, talk, etc. Nothing. I had to be a frozen statue, or in her own words a 'dead man.' She would get angry with me if I moved or touched her. Her eyes were always closed and her face looking up. The eroticism for her (I am only guessing here, only God knows what went on in her head) was having me to play for her the role of a dead man. I never understood that acting dead part even after discussing it with my therapist.

I already thought back then that it was weird. I can not see myself having sex with dead women. I know there are many jokes about it but ... how can one have sex imagining that the partner is a dead person? The thought of it makes me want to throw up. Weird to say the least. I remember posing this issue to the therapist and hearing from her that better put that one aside, as if this is too wild and 'you dont want to go there.' It was a sort of women's thing or secret. I may have misunderstood the therapist but such was my perception.

Now, my question is as follows: do psychopath women fancy having sex with dead men? Is this a common thing or I happen to be the only 'lucky' guy to get such a 'wild' sex experience with a psychopath?

Got a 'moral' lesson

Yesterday I got a moral speech from my family doctor. I hated it, I wanted to disappear, I felt terrible. I saw him because of that pain in the liver area. He asked for all sorts of exams and I was back for the results. Thanks God everything is fine and I havent yet destroyed the liver. But ... he had free time and asked me about the family, etc.

He told me that he remembers well the HPV case (I wrote about it in another post) and that he was still angry about it. I told him that the relationship was over and that I had put it all aside. It didnt suffice because he went on a rampage how upset he still was about her behavior. He told me that there are many, many false positives (and false negatives) results and that it was utterly unfair that the kids were the first to know that 'dad had contracted a STD' when such was not the case. He went on a rampage that made me feel absolutely terrible. He told me that her behavior was not fair, ethical, human, etc and that worst of all that I should not have tolerated such a thing. That I should have her apologize to me in front of the kids, etc, etc.

He was right on absolutely everything he said. I felt guilty because back then I was paralized with fear and I didnt do a thing. What he was telling me was what any normal human being would have done in such a case. Of course, I was guilty, shamed, whatever, for merely listening to his speech. I was less than human. He was on a rampage that felt like it was never going to end. I felt like shrinking into a hole and disappear. He has no idea what it was to live with a psychopath and being abused for so long. No idea. When it was over I was so much down that I almost took to the bottle. Luckly I met my SO.

She realized I was in shock (she thought the exam results were bad and that I had some liver disease) and I told her what had happened and her support made me feel better. Hard for me to believe how much BS I put up with in order to keep the family together and in spite of that effort still have her not only break up the family but also in so doing destroy everybody while claiming that it was all my fault because I 'abandomned' the kids. You got to have a psychopath chutzpaq to go that far.

I am sorry your Dr. put you through all of that. Sometimes life just stinks, and it is a lesson to us all to listen to others through the lens of compassion vs. reminding them of their pain and passing such harsh judgement. Saying you had put it aside should have been a huge clue to not continue on digging through the past at your emotional expense, imo.

I am glad you have a SO in your life who gets it. No one deserves to be beaten alive over the past, you didn't deserve this and I am sorry to hear you had to sit there and listen.


Di

The worst part was to recognize that he was right. What he was telling me was what any normal human being should have done. My 'excuse' (that after years of abuse I was no longer a normal human being and living a dysfunctional existence) is not an 'excuse.' We are ultimately the only ones responsible for our existence. I should not have let her bring me so much down.

On the other hand and in the context of the SO it amazes me the support and quality of all my relationships since life with the psychopath was over. It is what I mentioned as 'good karma kicking in.' I only had the strengh to say 'enough is enough' because I had a very compassionate and loving person with me within hours from the psychopath's 3 minutes phone call, my family that was glad to see me over the relationship, my co-workers who knew all about the psychopathic nature of the relationship and didnt dare to tell me anything, and the quality of the interpersonal relationships that came up, not to mention the community and acquaintances that I can barely handle. My good luck (or karma) kicked in as soon as the psychopath (bad energies) was away from me.

Now, my worst enemy is me. I miss my children very much and I feel guilt not to have saved them from the psychopath mother. People around me know about it but not the extent of the pain. They know the pain is there but have no idea how deep it runs through.

Infidelity

Once she came up with the story that her employer had an after hours tranining for a two months period. It was a short course in order to have the staff trained to back up other departments should the need arise due to market conditions (sorry but I cant give details here). It didnt sound right to me but it was a great opportunity not to have her at home and have quality time with the kids. So, I agree with all my heart. 'Go ahead and I will take care of everything around here.' I picked up the kids at school (as usual), went grocery shopping with them, we cooked dinner together, did homework, etc. There was no fighting, no discussions as when she was around. We all had a great time. When she arrived home around midnight they were already sleeping. This training course went on for at least two months.

I knew she was not in any training course. I had no hard facts, however, as to what she was doing. I can not for sure say she was having an affair but I can say with some certainty that she was not in any training course. But I faked that I knew nothing because we (me and the kids) were having a great time. I was in therapy then (as usual) and I remember talking about feelings of betrayal. It was my decision back then, however, to look it the other way. All I wanted was to keep the family together. I was willing to pay even the price of infidelity. So, I did a good job faking I belived her story. I am still amazed how good she was at setting it all up in such a way to fake her training sessions. A few months after it was over I went to the library and studied the topic of her training course. Nothing really complicated but lots of techincal jargon. Then in the next few days I tested her knowledge. She knew next to nothing about it. Conclusion: she was not in any professional training.

In this context there two interesting facts. First, I never met her colleagues, was never invited to any of her employer get togethers (Christmas parties, for example). The excuse was always that it was only for employees never the families. I didnt even know where in town was her office. Second, apparently she had an 'enemy' at work who soon after the training course was over sent me anonymous e-mail telling me that she was 'in sin.' The mail was a 'born again' Christian non-sense. Sin, hell, betrayal, salvation, Jesus and the likes. I dismissed the content but ... the accusation was clear: she was in sin. The sin, however, was not specified.

I had no hard evidence but putting it all together one can guess this one right. She had an affair. But it didnt bother me. I had no more feeling for her and I had made a very conscious decision that keeping the family together was more important. I laughed with my therapist that she was having an affair with another dead man. Good luck to him (or was it a her?)!

I am mentioning this now because in perspective it wasnt worth it. I should not have tolerate her affair. It was just another humiliation, in this case self inflicted. I looked the other way because I had a bigger priority. It makes me feel terrible now why I tolerated her infedility and did nothing about it.

I am also writing about this here because except for the therapist at that time, I havent told this story to no one. Nobody. For some reason, now, I felt the need to let the entire world know even if only anonymously.

For Astrologers only

IF you are into astrology, have you wondered how the chart of a 'certified' psychopath would look like? Call this chart 'Certified Female Psychopath.' There are enough clues in here for you to figure the birth info. Keep that info for yourself, please. If you are not into astrology, please move on, there is nothing here for you. This is 'only for the converted.'

Pluto:22Lib
Nept:17Scor
Uranus:12Virg
Sat:16Pisc
Jupit:19Gemi
Mars:10Lib
Merc:22Leo
Venus:20Leo
Moon:13Pisc
Sun:25Canc
ASC:22Lib
MC:20Canc

Please note that I am writing here from the insiders perspective (the victim of a psychopath) so please take me for granted and hold this chart for research purposes. It is the birth chart of a psychopath.

First thing that strikes out immediatelly and belive me it is true, is Nept in the First, Square the Ruler of the Asc, Venus. Rising sign is Libra. Neptune in the first (and in Libra) Square its own dispositor, Venus, in Leo. Even a beginner would have guessed it: cheating, she is not what she look like. Illusive, deceptive, actor. All other descriptions of a square Neptune in the first square its own dispositor apply. All of them. From the insider perspective (me) the interesting thing here is that she, her herself, (Sun in Can/10th) is not aware of it!

Next look at her Moon. Her Sun is in Cancer (we will get to it) so her Moon being the dispositor is of major significance. You got the Moon in Pisces/5th. So far so good. BUT look at that Saturn conjunct the Moon in Pisces (3 degrees orb, so consider it 'perfect' plus it is almost the handle of the Bucket in Jones Patterns). Yes, you got it right. An ultra rigid emotional state. Children (5th) being the main victims. Pain and suffering coming from or targeted at the children. Life lessons, guilt (?), punishment etc (all Saturn meanings) via children. From the insider perspective it also means SIBLINGS/5th (caught you! you forgot that one!). She was abused when a child by her own siblings. I always thought that the abuser (Saturn) was her father (Saturn) but believe me: the abuser was rather her mother (Moon) and above all her siblings (5th). The information is there if only you dare to look at it away from the Father/Saturn traditional interpretation.

Once you look at the Moon (now already identified as major) you got her aspects. It should horrify any astrology student. Just think about it: Natal Moon Opp Pluto (O degree! perfect orb!), Opp Uranus (1 degree orb, perfect), Square Jupiter (in the 8th/Gemini). Plus the Square (perfect orb) to the North Moon node (fowarding looking Karma). The only thing going on for this troubled Moon is the trine to the ASC. Remember that the Neptune is in the First square its own dispositor). So the only thing 'good' (trine) coming out of her moon is the illusion and deception! An expert at it.

All the the 'traditional' meanings of a Moon Opp Pluto, Moon Opp Uranus, apply. Mix in the Moon Square to the great 'magnifier' (Jupiter) in the 8th (sex among other things) and you got the picture! Yes, you can take all the textbook descriptions as true: 'certified psychopath.' Pay attention at the Orbits: all perfect or within very close range.

For astrologers only, part II.

True also is her Sun in Cancer in the 10th. Mid day (Medium Coeli) birth. Traditinal textbook interpretations (Sun in Cancer/10th) apply. The only place where she truly shines. There are a few 'good' aspects but they are minor when compared to the troubled Moon. Remember that Sun is in Cancer.

Forgot to mention tha last (and crucial) item. Look at the ruler of the 7th house with Aries in the cusp (marriage). Mars in is Libra (Detriment) and above all in the 12th (the house of self undoing. Imprisonment? Death?).

Hold this chart for research purposes: Female Psychopath. If you have the knowledge to figure out her birth info please keep it as anonymous. The point here (make sure you make this point) is that such a big thing as a psychopath personality will have to show up in many ways all around the chart. No one 'single' aspect or dispositor will make it. When a chart wants to talk it will do it out loud. In this case the 'psychopath' is there no matter the way you turn it around.

Random thoughts

Once my 'dear' psychopath was going to perform a big event: cook dinner for the family! Something she never did. She didnt even clean the kitchen or knew how to cook an egg. Her cooking was to call for pizza. I was already aware of the poisoning and having a strict diet. So she cooked the easy stuff I couldnt eat: pasta. When I arrived at the table there was no plate, silverware, or food for me. I set there blank looking at her and the kids eat pasta. When I asked what about me she answered, 'I dont know how to cook for you so you dont eat.' And I just sat there and didnt say a word scared that she would do a big fuzz in front of the kids. When, I did say something she shouted to the kids, 'see, how miserable I am: even when I decide to cook dinner he doesnt eat.' Everybody (including the kids) already knew at that point that my diet didnt permit to eat pasta. E

Often she called me stupid in front of the kids. Whenever she got upset and had to mention my name it was rather as 'stupid.' More often so was to tell the kids how much she 'hated' me. That one was a daily option.

And, what did I do? Nothing. If I would have said anything she would have taken the hammer and broken up the house. Meantime the kids learned her jargon. I beganhearing 'stupid' and 'hate you' whenever I had to enforce authority, discipline, or even ask anything. The same words as the mother.

This was the first thing my therapist picked up back then as abuse. She wanted to report to the State agency and I begged her not to. How 'stupid' I truly was. I do 'hate' myself for allwoing such abuse to go on for so long.