The psychopath, Kant and the end of philosophy

Excuse me if the story is long but the end of philosophy requires an introduction. Another hobby of mine since the beginnings of time has been philosophy. So from the time my daughter could be reasoned with I had been philosophying with her. There was a time that I even put her to sleep telling her about the great philosophers. But never in the presence of the mother. Mom had a very low opinion about something as 'meaningless' as philosophy. It irritated her to hear me talking philosophy with anyone not just the kid. Although she was already a 'big' girl (still a kid neverthless) we already had long conversations about the great philosophers. As she grew older whenever she got truly interested in some topic she went on-line and do her own reading. So far so good ... until one day we talked about Kant.

Kant is not an easy philosopher but she 'digested' him pretty well. We had a long conversation about the categories of the mind, the a priori, etc. At night in the privacy of her room she read on-line about Kant and discovered that he was obsessed with order and routines. She read somewhere that he woke up every day at the same time, had the same breakasfast, walked the same route to work. The shop keepers opened their doors when he crossed the streets. Even the tower clerk made the bells rings at precisely the time Kant waved him, day after day. He was the time keeper of his village. The orderly life of Kant impressed the kid so much that first thing in the morning she wanted to talk about it. I went along. BIG mistake.

She wanted to know why Kant was so obsessed with order, routine, stability and if there was any connection to the ideas he argued. I replied that some features of Kant's philosophy do show signs of obsession with order but that his obsessive private life was not that unique to him. That some people are obsessed with order and routine because they find safety in the predictable world they create around themselves. So, in my humble opinion it is a sign of inner insecurities and the inability to deal with what life throws at them. That deep inside they are, in other words, insecure people.

When my 'dear' psychopath heard this, she went on a rampage saying that this guy was not a control freak, that orderly life had nothing to do with insecurities, that he was a good person, cleaned up his room, organized his affairs, etc, etc. Next, she forbade me ever ever to talk to the kid about philosophy because it was not good for her, confused her mind and that therefore I am not taking my parental reponsibility seriously, that I was a terrible father, etc, etc (the usual psychopathic trip). We (me and the kid) both saw that the breakfast table was about to fly and so instinctively we both run for cover. Got out of the house as fast as we could just like dogs with the tails in between their legs swearing never again to talk about philosophy in front of mom. We continue to talk philosophy but never again in front of her.

Her rampage didnt last long. Maybe less than a minute. But it was terrifying. Her relatively short psychopathic outbreaks had by that time already taken a disproportionate dimension. An inverse square relationship. I guess that the topic at hand, e.g., that obsession with order and control is a sign of deep insecurities, touched her in some strange way.

And then there was judo.

I practiced karate since the beginning of time but when my daughter got big enough I heard of a beginners judo class in the local community center special for parents and kids. My style of karate was not kid stuff and so in order for us to do something together I decided to quit karate and start judo. Not because I liked this particular style but because it was a kids-parents activity. In the beginning she had a few coordination issues (we all have) but with time she got really good at it. She learned the moves and enjoyed dropping big people on the mat. She understood that it is not strenght and size that counts but the proper moves.

At a certain point I sensed that mom wasnt happy with it. This was not a girly thing. But I kept it a low profile and often she didnt even noticed we were at judo because she was absent with her professional life. One day, however, we learned something new and the kid got really good at it. Dropping someone on the mat. We got home and the kid wanted to continue the practice and show mom how well she was doing. Big mistake.

Mom was horrified. How could I teach this to the kid. It was boy stuff and not proper for girls and her age. What a terrible father I was (the usual psychopatic guilt trip). I explained that this was a normal judo practice and that there were many girls at the gym and that it was a good exercize. To no avail. She forbade me to take the kid to judo. The kid wanted to go but ... she was afraid of what might happen if we disobeyed mom. The kid was already becoming afraid of her psychopathic outbursts just as I did. So she told me that it wasnt worth it and we stopped going to judo.

Any activity I did with the kids she eventually destroyed it. I tried many more activities but just like going to the library, philosophy, and judo she eventually destroyed it all. And then there was also sailing. More about it later.

Going to the beach

Sea and beaches had always been with me since the beginning of time so when my daughters came along I wanted them to be part of that world. We spent a few summers (the 3 months of school summer break) at the beaches in a place far far away. Mom came only for a week or two (at most) and then go back because of her career and I stayed with the kids all summer. We had a wonderful time because with me there were no conflicts, fighting, discussions and hatred. This stuff all ceased the moment she was out of the away. I tried to take them to as many beaches as possible often staying with family. We all enjoyed it not only because mom was away but because it was summer vacation and were at the greatest beaches in the world. The end of the summer was always painful. Go back to more conflict, discord, fighting, etc.

But then one summer when the kids were already 'big' she begun making troubles. I could sense hell was about to break loose. She could not stand that we were having a good time. This is how the psychopath trip goes. She read at CNN that there were strange cases of skin cancer showing up and that it was not a good idea to go that much to the beach. I tried to reason with her saying that I had always been aware of the problem of sun exposure. Those who live in this environment are well aware of it and therefore there are no cases of skin cancer. They all take the necessay precautions. Only outsiders get into troubles. That we avoid sun exposure during the critical Noon to 4PM hours, that when not possible light clothing is used, we had sun umbrelas, and that I always had the kids with sun protection cream. Moreover that the sun was less dangerous to not so light skin people like us and that all kids have been going to the beaches since the beginnings of time and there were no recollections of skin cancer. But even if in the case I did not take the ncessary precautions then family, friends and even strangers would warn us of crossing the safety line.

Reasoning is to no avail to psychopaths. In a few minutes phone call she told the kids that she had read in CNN that people were having skin cancer because of the sun, that I was a terrible dad (the usual psychopat guilt trip) for putting them at danger and that they were going to die if they continue going to the beach. I still dont understand the kind of power psychopaths have over people. The kids were so scared that begun avoiding sun exposure. At the beach they became obviously unconfortable. There were a few more phone calls and they were scare to death they were going to get skin cancer because mom had read it at CNN. FROM THAT DAY ON WE NEVER AGAIN HAD A HAPPY DAY AT THE BEACH.

I still tried to reason with them about all the precaution we had always taken but it didnt help. They were scared. Mom had told them that it was much safe to rather be locked at home and watch TV.

Few years later the older daughter had a sun education day at school and apologize to me about being so scared about the sun. I ask her to politely explain mom what she had learned in school. I saw when it happened: she was totally olivious about the damage she had done. I dont even think she was listening. No remorse, no apologies. In the back of her psychopathic mind she was glad to have achieved her ultimate goal: destroying anything good I did with the kids.

I have asked myself endlessly: what the hell was her problem? Are psychopaths sent to hell at the last judgment day or are they forgiven because they were not aware of what they were doing?

I think there is a special place in hell for them. I think they are well aware of what they are doing however, when a person is evil, they don't care about anyone but themselves and see nothing wrong with their actions, that is why they can't be healed.

Di

Yes, I think you are right, they see nothing wrong with themselves. Once upon a time after much effort I did manage to get my 'dear' psychopath to go to a therapist. Long story but for another time ... the point is that the first thing she told the therapist was 'I am here because my husband asked me to do it but I can assure you that there is nothing wrong with me.' To this day she still insists that there is nothing wrong with her. She is a victim. Hard to believe but very convincing to those who dont know her.

I went to marriage counseling with my "Psychopath" and he totally conned her. Now he is in counseling on his own, purely because he is afraid that our divorce will end up in court. He told me his is working on the differences between us how I can see shades of gray and he sees only black and white. Also mentioned how he is obsessive over keeping his motorcycle pristine. These of course are the least of my concerns- guess he never mentioned to her his posioning me.

Variation of the same theme: sailing

We were living at the time near a big lake. I missed the sea but the lake was an appealing alternative. I had been sailing (almost everything that floats and stands up to the wind) since the beginning of time. So I thought of introducing the kids to sailing and the lake. I got a sailing boat a little bigger than a weekender. For a short time I took the kids to the lake and have a wonderful time sailing and playing in the water. At a time we had a little island all for ourselves. Most of the time 'dear' psychopath was at work so I was alone with the kids. But when she realized that we were having fun it was her mission to break it up. Once she came along and soon 'dear' psychopath got bored. She didnt have any water experience neither was willing to learn the ropes. She was not in control so I sensed that hell would break loose sooner or later. And, indeed, one day she got out of hand and blew it up. Her argument was that it was boring. She gave me 10 minutes to get to shore and go home. She went straight to the shopping mall with the kids in a shopping 'adventure.' From that point on every time I wanted to take the kids to the lake she rather took them to the shopping mall. I have no idea what else she told them BUT WE NEVER AGAIN WENT TO THE LAKE. It was boring. It is amazing how she could destroy in only a few minutes whatever I had been building up for such a long time.

And then there was 'fashion design'

There was a time I realized that my girls, indeed, knew next to nothing about old fashion female ('girly') things. They had never seen a needle or a thread. They didnt even have a sewing kit. So we went to the store and bought a kit with a nice little box. While at the store they saw a dress pattern and wanted to become fashion designers (they were at the fashion designer phase). I had seen in my childhood an aunt sewing a dress from a paper pattern. I also work with paper patterns but for furnishure building. It felt like the same principle (draw and cut cloth was easier than wood) so I gave it a try. We cut the material from the pattern and then stictched most of it all by hand. Of course it didnt come out perfect (not at all), we didnt even finish it, but we had fun and above all they learned how to stitch, sew, etc. When mother arrived home and saw what we were doing, she was alarmed. I have no idea what went on her psychopathic mind but she degraded our operation. It was terrible we were wasting time with such trivial pursuits. Unlike in the old days now we buy new clothes, ready made. We will never be at a professional level and much less wear our own self made garbage. Needless to say that the kids never again wanted to become fashion designers. I wonder if the short sewing experience sufficed for a life of sewing. Just another activity I tried to do with the kids and she had to destroy. Luckly she was often absent and we had a good time on our own but we all already knew that the moment she showed up we had to stop everything.

Hello Someone!

Just wanted to let you know that someone else is hearing you and that you will find validation here. Keep posting, keep venting-

Thanks. I think that venting is indeed the right word. For so long I kept the appearences that it feels good to let the entire world know about it, even if anonymously.

As a psychopath she also loved death threats. Indeed, our last communication ended with a death threat. But since I was already use to it I didnt give it much importance. Just another life threat. I recall her saying that she was going to hire a hit man to kill me. Again, I was so use to that kind of language that I gave it little importance. But ... now thinking about it ... she got the hatred and the money on her side. I doubt she will come here and do it herself (with or without a hammer). She knows very well that she will not get anywhere but I am thinking as a rational human being. She is very deprived of rationality. I now wonder about it because I have been reading about high profile psychopathic murder cases and they scare me. Their actions are not in the realm of the rational at all.

First the facts. I have a supporting family not far from where I live, the small community is a sort of second family and there is no way she can come here and not been seen. Even before she will arrive at my gate people will be already sending me 'smoking' warning signs. The police headquarter is only 5 minutes away and the chief of police is a local who knows everybody by name. 0ne third of the natives are some sort of family relatives. I have had occasional small talk with him. She knows all this very well. The moment she will get into town everybody will know about it.

Now, this is the rational side of the story. Psyhcopaths are so full of hatred that they become irrational. The other day a stranger came into town, apparently he was lost and asked for directions. He drove around my place and left. It was a sort of strange. Unusual but possible. And this when I had a light bulb moment. Hopefully, it was only a paranoia moment. But it got me thinking. What if her threat becomes real? She already tried it all and she is violent.

Anyway, I changed locks (just in case she still has the old keys), installed an outside alarm (doesnt work because I let the dog lose and it activates the alarm!) and went to the spots where the police chief hangs around after hours. Just to chat about the weather! So we are now more than mere acquaintances.

I think that I have taken all the necessary precautions. I worry however that psychopaths are not rational. I truly hope I am only paranoia. But if something of a criminal nature happens to me I give full permission to the moderator of this list to give the authorities information connecting my identity to my posts at this list.