The psychopath that is in my life is my husband of 30 years. We had what I thought was a fairly normal marriage. Found out that he was doing who knows what with who knows whom for the last at least 3 years. He did admit to trying to be a big shot. Found out two days ago that he is love bombing a 37 year old mother of 2 (both kids are under 5 years old). Now I know how everyone feels when their "Psychopath" is activly discarding them. Very painful.

Best of luck to you NoOne.

I am new here (and I'm not really sure how and where to ask a general question); have come back a few times to read the posts.

For now I have a general question: I have read about the typical modalities of manipulation, trickery, the lying, the gas lighting, and it all sounds horrifically familiar to me. Mentally I am "checking off" a ton of stuff. My question is: how conscious are people like this of how they operate, of the lying, the manipulating, the DESPERATE need for control, the ruthless power struggle, all combined with this wonderful charm...? Are we talking about entirely conscious intention, conscious planning? Are these consciously DEVISED plans? (In my case, the main issue is emotional manipulation and torture and a very strong suspicion on my part that this person really ENJOYS seeing me humiliated, thwarted at every turn, even as the seductiveness never stops...)

Welcome threetimesstunned,

I would say that you will find the answers to your questions within these posts and the responses from those of us who have been there.

I personally had little insight into what was going on in my marriage for the first 29 years. He did some of the things mentioned, but as a young bride I was clueless. As I began to feel less loved in the end, I began to question and push him for answers. His mask began to slip and I was in a total state of confusion. What was done to me was definetly planned. I was choosen, manipulated (at least initially), lied to and cheated on.

In the end he intentionally poisoned me, used others to track me, and search my medical records to find out if the doctors could determine the drugs he used on me. Thank you for joining and asking this question. It makes me remember the evil things he planned and did to me. BTW, friends and family envied the special relationship we shared...LOL we were all fooled.

Hi 1962, thanks so much for your response. So this has been a really really long haul for you. At what time, would you say, did you become suspicious that something was off? You say you were definitely "chosen," definitely "manipulated"; are you seeing this mainly in hindsight? I am very curious in particular about the being "chosen," because when I think of those days now I remember in retrospect this weird sense I had of having been "watched."

Your story has a long history, mine does not. In fact, it's the quickness of the succession of moments, one after the other, that went from the top of the world to the bottom of the gutter that is so shocking...

stunned,

When I met the "Psychopath", I was 18, just out of high school and in my first year of college. His best friend had just started dating my best friend. We had some great times. We met in early December and by sometime in January he asked me to marry him. RED FLAG- way too soon, but I was so young I had no clue. He, BTW, was 24. Although I didn't feel a huge sense of passion (sexually), I did feel that emotionally we were alike- similar values, morals, family issues. Because he helped me so much in resolving my family issues, I think I grew closer to him. I think that in the beginning, the realtionship was important to him as it gave him a sense of security and support that he truly yearned for- and still does to this day. Si I know in fact that "Psychopath"s have feelings and needs- they just don't bond to people in the same way that we do.

So I guess my situation was less of feeling watched and more of his tapping into what I wanted; a family life with children and to be a homemaker for him and our kids. This was a total opposite of what he grew up with as his mother had a career and was most likely a "Psychopath" herself- very cold fish.

So perhaps that is why it lasted so long, we were compatible in that way. Things of course went from good to bad and vice versa, but over 32 years you expect that to happen. At around 28 years, I realized that he was cheating- he had always been a flirt, but I now realized that he had probably been having women and possibly men on the side for years. I was oblivious to all of it as I trusted him 100%.

It wasn't until then that I began to question and analyize what he was doing and where he was going- even though he was home to me daily, he was still finding time to cheat and the lies...pathological. The more I pushed him, the more the lies, gaslighting, and anxiety built.

I wish that my experience was fleeting- I feel that I have wasted a life with a man who will never be there for me in my old age, when I need someone who loves me and wants to be there for me. Sometimes I have to imagine that he has died, and truthfully a part of me went right along with it. All of my hopes and dreams for the future were based on lies and deceit.

I don't think there's a sweeping generalization for any narcissist or psychopath; there's all kinds of varying degrees of each. My personal belief is narcissists are less inclined to have that self realization of themselves whereas true psychopaths are very aware and do things very purposefully. That's not to say either is any more or less destructive than the other; I feel the results for the victims are the same.

And really, it doesn't matter. Once you realize you're in an abusive relationship- ANY abusive relationship- it's always in your best interest to get out as soon as you can.

On Psychopaths and Automatic Pilots


The more I read about psychopaths and contemplate about my experience the more I like the automatic pilot analogy.

In my little boat I had a small and basic automatic pilot (of the first generation). When sailing alone it is a great devise. It allows you to go down the deck for a few minutes to do whatever. One sets the automatic pilot to a certain degree and no matter what you throw at the boat the automatic pilot in set in its course. There may be another boat and cliffs ahead, the wind and sea conditions may change but the A pilot cares the less about it. I tried to reason with my automatic pilot (being alone in long hauls does make you talk to the automatic pilot), I told him or her that the only permanent thing in the world is constant change, that we never step in the same river twice, that the wind may start blowing from a different direction and that our course may come to an end because the cliffs lay ahead. I tried to explain to my dear automatic pilot that to be blindly set on a course may be useful occasionally but it should interact with the ever changind surroundings. That if for some reason a mistake was introduced in the course that mistake will be magnified and cause troubles. That to be set on a single course its entire existence is dum to say the least. I even tried to be nice to the A pilot. I treated it really nice in hope of some recognition. I hoped that the A pilot one day would gain conscience, awareness of it surroundings. But to no avail. It was set on its course and nothing different ever happened. Fortunatelly when I realized that I wasting my time, I turned it off and rather got in charge of the course to sail.

Psychopaths are an automatic pilot. Somehow early in life they were set on a course. Just like the A pilot they have no idea what is going on around them, have no self awareness, conscience or capacity to reason with others. They act in pre set ways even if ´cliffs' lay ahead. Talk to them, expect mercy, understanding and redemption is like asking my boat's A pilot to react to the feedback it gets from the environment. It is hopeless and helpless.

In fact, A pilots lately are getting ahead of psychopaths. Now there are A pilots with computers and sensors built in so they feel the wind, waves, and other conditions and react to such feedback information. If connected to a GPS can even avoid the cliffs. If connected to a radar it can avoid colitions with other vessels. With different degrees of tolerance it sounds the alarm if something goes wrong. And if it cant handle the on going changes or if told that you need to wake up, it is clever enough to sound the alarm.

Psychopaths cant even do such basic operations. They are set on a course just the automatic pilots of the first generation. The best and perhaps the only thing one can and should do with a psychopath is to leave it alone in its set course just make sure you go exactly on the opposite direction as far and as fast as possible.