1962.
I get it! I had a few drinks tonight, alone on a sat, and wanted to rail on him in email, defenses down, but came here first and now I wont do it.

My Exspath has a new girl. She is bright and shiny. A College Professor. Oh, how much Better she is than me. He can HOLD his tendencies OFF for HER, because he respects her, which pisses me off to no end. Why was I the unlucky one? I did not deserve the Respect she is getting? Oh no, for some reason I did not. I got the Full Psycho treatment.

I tried to warn her, but you know, new ones always think YOU are the crazy, because we kinda do look the part, since They look like Knights in shining armor in the beginning and us saying, hey lady, he broke all my [censored], he's a goddamn psychopath...seems pretty weird and unbelievable.

As far as being 'normal' , he cleaned up his FB page from all the Satanic [censored] he had on it, posted a bunch of Buddhist stuff, and is now pretending he cares about spiritual things and Alt News. I know he doesn't give a [censored] about any of this.

He has reinvented himself, the sick part is it's likely working.
It has been hard, to see someone you spent time with and did your best with, to walk away with no concern for you, what-so- ever, but I swear, for me, everyday has been better than the last.

I KEEP in my mind all the bad [censored]. I keep it, I live it. I know that goes against common wisdom, but I NEVER LET myself forget, to keep myself sane and not go back. I remember that [censored] and shitty EVERY DAY. I dont let myself get soft or regretful about 'good times' which were total [censored]. I lock every door, every time. I lock all my windows.

The 'good' was not good, the bad was always worse. You have to remember that, EVERY DAY.

Reading your story reminds me of all that is to come for me. this lose has been posting & reinventing himself to be all religious. I don't know how true he is. & I hope he's doing it sincerely. But I'm sure he'll use this as a new cover to get his next newer shinier brighter target.

warrioress, did he just meet her? he may be able to "hold off" his tendencies for now. They always unleash their full psycho sooner or later. If she really commands respect, then she'll demand for his respect when he starts his crap with her. Thats when all his [censored] comes flying out.

Hang in there!

1962
Would I be wrong were I to say (I am saying it) that you do not miss him. Not even one little bit!

What you miss:

1. Is the innocence of your life as you thought it was
2. Is the idea of a long marriage crowned with a fabulous retirement
3. Is the dream - the American Dream of a white picket fence
4. Is the comfort of a lovely home
5. Is the thought of warm arms holding you tight
6. Is the soft and sunny quiet of a Sunday morning spent making love
7. Is reading the Sunday NYTimes while drinking hot and strong coffee
8. Is the man you thought he was
9. Is the woman you were
10. Most of all you miss being "asleep" to the reality of what was your life

But now you are awake, dear 1962, and this terrible being awake is full of hurt and danger.

Once past the hurt and the danger, being awake is also filled with love and toast --- the latter buttered right side up.

Be patient! Be loving with yourself. This mess is not your fault. It was never you. Never!

Warm hugs,

Nan
Edit: typo

SINCERELY! You are not saying, are you, that SINCERITY is his middle name? We all know how SINCERE these people are.

Tiger123 is right when she says:

Indeed! And Miss College Professor will have paid her initial tuition many times over. Terrible! No, you cannot warn her. You can try, of course, but way back, I tried to do so with a woman I thought was another victim he had running concurrently with his relationship to me, and was not, BIG SURPRISE, believed at all.

No, sincerity is not their middle name.

Nan

Tiger123,

Yes, I agree that they are amazing at their ability to take the screaming. He took all of the abusive things I said- and never gave much in reply. A lot of the same old, I have always loved you, I never cheated on you and now the addition of…you walked out on me. (and how he is waiting for me to return) Part of his renewed sob story for friends, attorneys and his counselor.

I have been waiting for him to begin saying nasty things, he really hasn’t said anything except that I have left him. Never even told family and friends that I left in the first place, simply that I had gone to my sister’s house to help her recover from surgery (a lie I set in place to keep him from knowing where I really was).

I’m sorry that you are being subjected to a new woman. Even though I know he has cheated, it has been covertly- not in my face at all. He denies it all and is very convincing! I’m sure even his own sons would not believe except for the private investigator I hired to follow him. That was the best money I have spent- gave me vindication in a sad kind of way. Friends of ours won’t believe that he slept with this woman because she is a homely coworker- who said that it was all about her looks? She strokes his ego and tells him how wonderful he is- Narcissistic supply.


When he finally does bring one of his girlfriends out in public it will kill me for sure. I hope by then I have gathered strength and have been able to break the betrayal bonds- that is my next goal for self improvement. Without doing this, I will drive myself mad!

The “Psychopath” I am married to does not pursue me. He has really avoided me, but readily takes my call or text . I am always worse off after the contact- still addicted I suppose. I’m glad that NC is working for you and that you feel that you are able to be safe and moving on.

YOU GO GIRL!

Warrioress: I have decided to throw myself into things that interest me. Saturday I made plans to shop and have dinner with a family member. That night I reread Robert Hares book for strength.

Sunday I met a family friend to go hiking and she treated me for dinner. Again, at night I am reading and blogging for strength .

I am sor sorry for Exspath ‘s new girl. Wow, a college professor- see NO ONE IS IMMUNE!!! What makes it difficult for me is that the real psycho treatment that I received was short lived- I was already suspicious of him (since I had known him 31 years I knew his behavior pretty well)
Once I had begun to realize things were really wrong and I knew he was gaslighting me then I got out quickly. So I was a wife who was put on a pedastool for most of my marriage, only to have him try to kill me quickly once I knew what he was. She too will get his abuse, it may just take a little longer like me.


I have heard that it is impossible to truly warn the OW. I know that once I learned what was happening, I too seemed crazy. Yup, knights in shining armor- until it starts to rust and tarnish with the lies and cheating.

So now your expath has a new mask that he’s trying on for his new girl. Buddhist probably is quite right for the college professor!

It has been hard, to see someone you spent time with and did your best with, to walk away
with no concern for you, what-so- ever….

Yes, and I feel it so strongly too as mine keeps asking me to come home- it’s been 8 months of come home and we can work this out…. God knows I’d want nothing more than to do that if he could change, but we all know what he is by now and there’s no going back is there?

Sadly Nan, the “Psychopath” I am still married to was my best friend. He only worked 4 days a week and on the other 3 we went to our lake house. We went boating, had picnics, rode motorcycles…I did have an awesome life….until I started noticing the cracks…

What I do miss: (I modified 7,9,10)

1. Is the innocence of your life as you thought it was
2. Is the idea of a long marriage crowned with a fabulous retirement
3. Is the dream - the American Dream of a white picket fence
4. Is the comfort of a lovely home
5. Is the thought of warm arms holding you tight
6. Is the soft and sunny quiet of a Sunday morning spent making love
7. Is drinking hot and strong coffee on the front porch over looking the river
8. Is the man you thought he was
9. Is looking forward to greeting our grandchildren and watching our kids married
10. Sadly, I miss my best friend.

I thought I was his too.

Now that I am awake I am confused as to what he really has done over the years. The worst thing about it is that I will never really know. I have many suspicions… I even think he might be having sex with men too!

I hate the fact that I am losing my hopes and dreams- he has turned my life into a total nightmare. This is what he’s taken from me.


Warm ((hugs)) right back at ya Nan, it sounds like you have been in my shoes.

1962:

Yes! The loser does the same thing. He says he "accepts what I'm throwing at him because he deserves it." & he "wants nothing except for me to stop pushing him away, come back & try again." He kept crying about how it hurts that I "push him away when he's fighting for us". I guess that's the story this loser is sticking with. That he's "ready to give everything to the girl he loves, but had to move on because she's pushing him away."

I think they've realized the mean nasty words don't work on us anymore. So they're trying the pity, tug-at-heartstrings approach, which is probably our greatest weakness. I realize they always want to beat us to the "victim" card. That's how they drive us crazy. Invalidate how we feel/what we went through. I hope some of your trusted friends & family know some of what he's done! & slowly let the info sink in for them. It helps knowing that they are on your side, especially when he tries his [censored] on them. The loser turned my mother & sister against me during the pregnancy period. He used them to convince me to go back to him. I felt so crazy. After a week of his tormenting abusive threatening texts and calls, I knew he was bad. I showed my mum & sis some of his texts yet they were STILL trying to convince me to give him another chance & marry him. They said the way I talked to him caused him to react like that. That he's a guy & we have to talk to them nicely. The horror! They know better now though.

& I wish you all the best for breaking the bonds! I think positive visualization might help? I've been picturing myself happy & indifferent seeing him with another girl. I tried doing this with an ex bf (not psycho). When it finally happened, it still hurts like crazy. I called a friend to cry to, had dreams about seeing them for the past few weeks, but slowly, it got better.


This loser has stopped pursuing me too. But yest, he saw my comment to friends on a mutual friend's page. At night he sent me an email saying "I hope you're doing ok on your own." I was happy & finally feeling free & content, but with just one sentence & he brings back so much emotions. I want to reply to say, "I'm great, thanks" just to piss him off. But no good will come of it. The only way he'll "lose" is when I really am doing great, despite his little games.

Before he avoided me, he told me he'll always "be there for me". "If I'm struggling, if i need someone to depend on, I can always call him & he'll always come running". What helps is thinking of all the words he said & piecing things together. When I kept pushing him away, he kept asking me what do I want him to do. To just tell him & he'll do it. That was him wanting to know which "facade" works for me. Ironically, I kept telling him to change, to respect me, to give me space. He'd only "change" for max 2 months. You really can see his mask breaking away slowly trying to keep up a facade that denies him any supply to his narcissism. It usually ends with him stalking/breaking smth/hurting me. I've been the "newer shinier brighter girl". I saw how much of a knight-in-shining armour he made himself out to be. Then I remember all the times he pushed me around, verbally abused me, he even "tried to get help" when I suggested that he might need to talk to a psychiatrist. (I found out he lied. That he talked up some girl on Facebook instead. Gave me some story about how he's trying to set her up with his cousin.)

Sorry for the rant. That one sentence got me checking on his social media sites. I notice he has more female followers/ friends. & his about me, says "Believer." Some moments, my heart wants to explode. But I refuse to give in.

ahh. Another email from the loser. Saying i'm too active on social media/that I have "too many followers/people in my life" (SERIOUSLY? what about him!), that i've been happily commenting on friends pages & making life decisions without him (i talked abt cutting my hair -.-) He said i'm definitely different, & he doesnt know where he fits in my life.

Says "I only want the best for you which is for you to be happy so i figure that you're doing ok without me, if not better." & he ended with "If by any chance you don't want to try anymore please let me know. I apologize for oppressing you. Or start over for that matter, please contact me. Thank you.. Because i know how you've stressed the fact that during the past when you were on a run or streak like this where you chose to be alone, you didn't go back."

Tiger123,


I think that if you did go back to him, he would only discard you- but then it would be on his terms.


I keep thinking that my husband tried to kill me, that I still wonder why exactly. I do know that it

wasn't anything I did wrong, rather I think it was greed on his part. (figured out that I was going to

leave him)

It's all about the money for him.