He took alot of photos of me. Kept telling me how he'd never posted a girl's photo on Instagram, but he'd constantly post my pictures. He was "proud to have a pretty girlfriend" & he'd tell me how his friends or strangers envy/wld ask how he got me. Flattery. So damn ashamed of myself for feeling proud of that. -.- But I never posted pictures of him/gushed about him on social media. & he'd get angry saying that it was "basic" in a relationship.

& once he sent me pictures of himself crying/with swollen eyes, when I ignored him.

UGGGH.

I think when I struggle to accept whether my X really can be helped or not, or whether or not he had those sincere moments, I strip everything down and think- even without his mental illness, was I treated well in that relationship? And of course the answer is no. You and I deserve better in that regard, much better. Did I trust him? Not in the slightest. The cheating and the lying- think about the things you KNOW he cheated and lied about, and now imagine about the times you don't know.

I don't want that crazy in my life.

Trust Tiger, you are not wrong about him, but even IF you were, who cares? You cant have a lover who is constantly crying about doing you wrong and then just goes about doing it again, and crying about it again. BTW, they all CRY like crazy, it's Classic. I never had a healthy boyfriend cry all the damn time. They must learn this behavior from the Women who cry when we are messed over by them, since they 'learn emotions' from others.
When mine was caught stalking me at my house he 'cried immediately' to my landlord! Saying he was all in love with me and my landlord let him go and he came back and threatened my life not 15 minutes later! I nearly got evicted over the incident.

We second guess ourselves, but It Doesnt Matter! We are not diagnosticians, what we DO know is that our relationship with this person is TOXIC and must not go on. Feeling sorry for them is Not an Option since it's completely debilitating, and healthy people don't put up with that, because they Love themselves. That's the struggle we are going through, to love yourself enough to stop the pain someone else is inflicting-for NO GOOD.

Reminds me of a buddhist kind of thing:
The Monk comes and beats his student each day . "Have you learned what Enlightenment means Yet?"
'No, master' says the student, and the monk beats him with a stick.
This goes on , day after day.
The student cannot figure out what he is doing wrong, cannot find Enlightenment, but becomes angry at being beaten every day.
One day the Monk comes and says " Have you learned what Enlightenment means yet?"
'No Master' says the student, but this time, when the monk raises the stick -he puts up his hands to stop the blows.
The monk then says, "Good, at Least you have learned how to stop the pain"

Tiger 123,

I understand your reluctance to let go of this relationship. I struggle daily with letting go of my marriage, but then I think of what I know to be true. He was not at work when he said he would be. He flirted constantly with other women, and most likely had several affairs. He put poison in my food when I questioned his fidelity. Opps DUH! Red Flags all around.

And yet, I still want him or is it the life I thought I was going to have (thanks NAN).

I am going to meet with a psychiatrist next week. He specializes in helping people get over relationships that are unhealthy for them. I read some where that a person's brain chemistry can change when subjected to constant mixed messages. I think this is why we often describe being in a fog with these men.

My reasonable, thinking brain knows that this man is a danger to me, but my sad heart wants him back so badly. I need to learn how to detatch from him and I know I need professional help to do this so I don't do something stupid that puts my life in jeopardy.

Maybe seeing a psychiatrist is something that would help too.

Hi 1962,



We can also use this same technique to program our minds for more positive experiences. I know some people say it takes 21 days to create a good habit, think that the number can be disputed. Perhaps if you see this new Dr that might be a good plan to work on. Sometimes in my experience they can focus for too long on dredging through the mud of life and not enough focus on developing positive skills for moving forward.

Di

1962 "I read some where that a person's brain chemistry can change when subjected to constant mixed messages."

Dianne "We can also use this same technique to program our minds for more positive experiences."

Nan "A very good point!

Hello,

It's been about 2 weeks for (almost) no contact. I've blocked him off everywhere, didnt answer his emails or calls. He's sent me a few "supportive" emails, but I didnt reply/react. Then last friday, when I didnt respond to any of his emails or calls, he texted my mum apologizing, saying he wants to make me happy & asking her to accept him into our family. I told her not to respond either. He called me through the company I'm working at, I quickly said I gtg & hung up. No emails since then. It's been difficult, but i'm hanging in there. I'll be leaving this company soon, so he wont be able to reach me via phone.

I still struggle with cognitive dissonance. But I've learnt to shut myself off & reflect on the things he said vs the things he did. I hope this streak continues.

Cognitive dissonance is very difficult to deal with. It's a fact of life and many of us know X and do Y and then cry over Z. You are doing beautifully. Hang on!

Hugs to you, Tiger123.

Nan

It's been roughly 5 weeks NC for me and I still struggle with cognitive dissonance. Luckily I have a therapy appointment this week.

Hang in there Tiger... we'll get through this.

It's a bad night, tonight. Him calling earlier, then nothing- no emails like before, triggered me to go snoop around. Not much activity. He's good at covering tracks. He's usually always online, & he's not anymore. I'm pretty sure he's close to the end or maybe just beginning the discard phase. and I should be glad! That he's finally "letting me off the hook". I mean, I knew he'd finally let go, sooner or later. Even if i'm not psycho, if you ignored me long enough, i'd stop trying to contact you altogether. (Then again if i'm not psycho, I would've left the moment I knew I was bad for you.)

So why does it hurt? I wish that I was "special" enough to make him change. I wish he meant what he said. But I know that won't happen. & i've been reading and reading all these stories & articles to keep reminding myself. But it still hurts. I loved him, with all my heart. It was so real for me but coming to terms with the fact that everything said & done on his part was just fake/for his own benefit is really painful. Its as if I don't want him to move on. Like I want to keep his attention on me. Usually on days like this, he'd come looking for me. I hate to admit this, but i was actually looking for him ard my office & home. The sickening thing is I kept thinking, if I saw him, i might let him hug me & if he does I might just break again! But even as im crying, I have no desire to hear his voice or listen to what he has to say. I knw nothing that comes out of his mouth means anything. Maybe it's just the physical comfort that I miss. I wish I could get a physical hug from you guys. haha

Tomorrow is a new day.
I think I really do need to start with therapy soon.