Firstly I just want to say that finding this website has been a bloody huge deal to me!! I have been feeling as if I have been going crazy for 9 years. I guess I need to give you some of the history before any of you begin to understand her behaviour.

Miss O was born after a fairly traumatic birth. It was clear to be in the first few days that something was not "right" with this child. She would scream for 12 hours a day and I mean SCREAM NOT cry! She was diagnosed with colic but I had this feeling it was far more than colic as there were other strange things she would do such as when I breastfed her she would lash out and scratch and hit my breast.....give her a bottle and she would take it. She seemed to reject any form of physical touch and would generally reject any type of close physical contact. She would push you away and be as stiff as a board 90% of the time. She never really relaxed........I guess that's the way I could describe it best I know how. One day I had her in my arms walking down the hallway and I felt her eyes of hate on me and she just lashed out and clawed me down the side of my face. I have never seen such hate in a 1 year old child. I was disturbed to say the least.

Plunket here in NZ would tell me she possibly could be autistic but that diagnosis made NO sense to me as time went on as she never showed any signs of being developmentally delayed at all! I know for a fact she is NOT autistic.

As time went on and she became a toddler she would just follow me round the house crying and demanded one on one attention 24x7. She was an extremely demanding toddler and as a parent dealing with this I was made to feel completely inadequate by well meaning friends and family with comments such as "you spoil her" and then in the same breath "maybe she needs more one on one time with her busy mother". I just didn't seem to be able to win.

Parenting her has been challenging to say the least as she has always been insanely manipulative and strong willed. Staying calm and non reactive to her behaviour is what escalates her manic episodes......the opposite of what the "parenting" books tell you!! She is manipulative on an adult level and always has been.....she is not manipulative like a normal child.....its so hard to explain unless you experience it. But what I really noticed that has disturbed me all the way through this is her genuine lack of real emotion. Lack of laughter, lack of humour or understanding of sarcasm (laughing at herself) etc

As she became older I guess we just got USED to parenting her and we muddled through. A year ago my marriage broke up and recently I met someone new. For some reason (common or not with RAD I don't know) her behaviour seriously escalated to the point where I am wondering if she is not capable of killing.

Through all of this to an outsider she appears to be the model child....kind, caring, affectionate and respectful. No one would ever guess what goes on behind closed doors. I am now so close to giving up on my own child and the guilt is just eating me up. I KNOW that I have given the the most perfect experience as a child and that there is truly nothing more I could have done as a mother.

Finding this board has given me more relief than anyone could possibly understand....it is as if my thoughts and feelings have been vindicated and I am NOT the crazy paranoid mother others would throw their judgement at! Thank you from the bottom of my heart to whoever created this board!!

Hi Gill, I am so very sorry. Things can be horrible in a regular relationship but to be a parent has to really go deep.

If I may ask how old is your daughter now? It sounds like it was you who finally figured out what and who she is? Are there other children involved.

We have a few people who do check in with experience with these kids and I hope they drop by and see your post.

What are you thinking about doing? I hope you are keeping safe.

Di

Has your daughter ever been seen by a psychiatrist?

Personality disorders are hard to diagnose, it takes time, even for highly trained psychiatrist to come up with the diagnosis of psychopathy/sociopathhy/APD.

The look in her eyes and hate are key pointers but nothing even close to consider her a psychopath. There might be something else going on there.

I identified with much of your post especially your feelings of being misunderstood as a parent. Read my post on adopted and RAD.

Dadofrad