Digger and Betterway -

Thank you for your thoughts on the subject. It's really great that when someone shares a story or a bit of wisdom on this forum, it validates what the rest of us are going through and helps keep us grounded. Even writing this stuff down helps to let go.

I know P only has relationships on his demeaning terms. I know he lies, cheats, and betrays to suit his needs. And little by little, my heart is catching up to my brain. At some point (hopefully soon), I won't need to remind myself that he is poison.

Best wishes for a safe, joyful, P-free holiday to all!

Lynne

Hi everyone

My last read for the year as we are off on holiday for xmas. Just wanted to wish you all a happy and P free Christmas, and to say as each year passes it does get better.

Have a great holiday

Recovery

One last thing!, i personnally thought my ex had came down with some mental illness as when we seperated she seemed to change completely as a person, i often said to her "who are you" because the person i had known for years seemed to be gone and replaced by this animal, but really it was just role playing, and now that my usefullness was up there was no need to even show me the slightest human decency, i still think to myself, which one was the real one?.

I think they're both real - like smoke and mirrors. For a while, I thought my P had a split personality. The "good" P is the mask he put on for society; the "bad" P is the manifestation of all his pain and rage. He created an idyllic illusion that was real to me - and to him - for a short time. I have a hard time believing that P is all bad - and I also know he can't hold it together to be good for any length of time.

I think it's human nature to try to appear better than we are. Most of us need a little "makeup" to enhance our image. P's need a "mask of sanity" so they can hide their personality disorder. They could never be successful in their lives if ALL they did was lie, cheat, and abuse. They realize they need to behave within certain norms to stay out of jail...

Who cares about them lynnie, its been 7 months for me now and i still get so upset at times, especially after i drink, i know she wont make it with anybody longterm but nothing helps me get over it, i think im ok and then i get these huge waves of emotion and hurt, at least if she was muslim i would get to throw rocks at her lol.

"They could never be successful in their lives if ALL they did was lie, cheat, and abuse. They realize they need to behave within certain norms to stay out of jail..."

P's, however, push their behavior to the absolute limits of acceptability...and beyond. That is why some of us say so often "no one could have done this consciously" and ignore those screaming red flags. Perhaps it is not all lying, cheating and abuse. Clearly, though, it is all calculated.

Rick

Digger,

First of all, welcome to the forum. At seven months I was in the same place you are....often upset with waves of frustration and hurt. It does get better with the passing of
time though...trust me. It has been one year for me now since I split with my P... and 10 months with absolutely no
contact. Often a day or so goes by when I don't even think about my P. And when I do I don't obsess any longer. You will feel better...I guarantee it.

Rick

Thanks rick, it is just so hard, the truth is i reallky felt we were perfect, but that was me ignoring the fact that no matter where we went she would stare at guys like she wanted them, " NO not my wife!!! surely she realises what we have and what our future holds!!! NOT, thats the hardest thing, the realisation that she really did want them sexually, nothing is more poainfull for a guy who loves thier partner, and the complete absence of regret or feelings from them, its like you never meant nothing to them, all the good times were forgotten, but karma has its own way doesnt it?, sure its exciting for them to cheat, but NOW they are on thier own, and all the wonderfull prince charmings seem to dump them when they see whats thier,,, its called justice.

Digger, I can empathize as a male victim (age 42) of a psychopathic wife. Perhaps being a male victim makes the experience all the more frustrating because societies inability to sympathize with male domestic victims. Get this: I was married 18 years to "the perfect wife", whom I supremely trusted, respected and loved, along with the entire community! And while your experiences are plenty bad enough and I'd NEVER want to diminish your heartaches and hardships, I too am at wit's end. HERE'S AN OVERVIEW OF MY STORY: In 1996, after a happy, prosperous & respected family life and a seemingly perfect wife of 18 years, she was caught embezzling from her employer - a national bank. Over the 8-10 years she had been stealing from the bank, my wife had also been secretly taken about as much from me and our 2 children. I had worked so hard to build security for my family and did so with impeccable integrity and honor. Sadly, we had become well-respected, serving somewhat as role models in the community. Through gut-wrenching hard work I gained a college education attending at night and advanced my position in a national jeans company. Through a miraculous stroke of luck in 1989, I became AtlantaÕs largest radio winner at the time, with a $98,000.00 cash prize! As with other family securities, I invested as I prepared for a dream of GodÕs calling. In May, 1995, I took the leap and founded my own company in a field IÕve felt deeply led to pursue since childhood. Almost exactly one year later in 1996, my world came crumbling down. My approach was to first gain truth and understanding, identify the problem whether it be OCD, drug addiction or otherwise, unite and fix the problem as a family, then help other families with similar set-backs. Finally, after 5 years of research and with the help of counselors, it became apparent that we were dealing with a PSYCHOPATH. After reviewing the work of Robert D. Hare, PhD in his book, ÒWITHOUT CONSCIENCE - The disturbing world of psychopaths among us.Ó, I had no doubt. I was astonished to learn of such a dark world among us that most well-meaning, trusting souls never could imagine, much less defend against - especially the non-violent psychopath which, according to Dr. Hare, accounts for most psychopathic behaviors. The ÒTed BundysÓ and ÒJohn Wayne GaceysÓ are the minority, Hare states. Trust me, if this happened to me, it could happen to anyone and IÕm sure many others are suffering the same as Alee & I, yet are unable to make sense of the chaos, confusion and bewilderment psychopaths inherently create. My daughter, Alee, and I are still dealing with the never-ending ploys and destruction of this beautiful, kind and trustworthy woman who was initially unmasked in 1996. Today (12/21/03) is my daughterÕs birthday, but communication is blocked. Despite my clean, rock-solid history and good reputation, it apparently means nothing in the dark shadows of an accomplished liar and convicted felon. It is beyond belief and defies logic. Somehow, IÕve got to break free from this really soon. IÕve contacted DATELINE NBC, OPRAH & JOHN WALSH. Given the chance, IÕll use a media opportunity not only to help myself but ALL OF YOU...I promise. Any suggestions out there?

Lee,

Welcome to the forum. The recounting of your story was very well put and succinct. I'm sure that I can speak for all of the forum victims in stating that our hearts go out to you. Unfortunately, only other victims can truly empathize with the pain, frustration, bewilderment, disbelief, shock, horror and loss that being involved with a psychopath generates.
The media tends to focus on the sensationalist
aspects of serial killers..but tends to ignore the more prevelant non-violent psychopaths. I even exchanged some e-mails with a local reporter that recently ran an article on a rather high profile situation within my region. She summed up the psychopathic personality and character traits with accuracy and poignancy. Still, though, she did not seem interested in expanding on the topic to cover the element that we find in commmon here. I guess it's all about headlines!
Dr. Hare's book is an invaluable resource. I will agree with you on that. I devoured it in one sitting when I first read it and picked it up, again, many months later. I would encourage you to do the same after some time passes.
It's interesting that both you and Digger have shown up recently. It is not so common, as you have read I'm sure, to encounter female psychopaths. More than 80% are male, if I remember correctly. In any event, I was also involved with a psychopath, although compared to you and many others my relationship was short term. It lasted only four months. I now look at this as a blessing. Fortunately I was not involved in business with this person, had no financial ties nor investments and there were no children to be concerned with. Still, however, I can put myself in your place. Know
that we are all here to help you however we can.

Rick