Hi Cherie, my moment was just like yours. When I began to notice how reliably he would kick me when something bad happened to bring me down or I was ill, suffering bouts of rheumatoid arthritis. He'd grab the knife in my heart and twist it for good measure; find me in tears and tell me how pathetic I was. No empathy, just annoyance that I could bother him with my petty woes. I didn't know it was psychopathy exactly, but I recognised complete lack of empathy and learned how to do without it. I lost all positive feeling for him.
Today I found out through this site what is actually wrong with him. Only half relief; good to know, but how to convince others to help protect our child? I have to stay with Psychopath to do that, to avoid Australia's dreadful custody laws. The knowledge helps, thank you everyone; but freedom still seems just a dream.
Kezza

My God, Heather you could have just described my current life.
This won't do for us, will it?
But for now we have to protect the children. I understand. No doubt you've imagined clearly, as I have, how tough it would be for the kids to deal with his bullying if you were not there to help them cope; even psychological abuse is terribly damaging for them, and we women feel more capable of coping with it, especially if our affections are no longer invested in the Psychopath. It runs off our backs; we think. Well, yes, but we still feel fury that they dare to attempt to harm us at all, we who deserve the opposite.
I know where you're at, and I know the rage you must be quelling. Sometimes I feel I'm going to explode with the rage of indignation, having to pretend to like this hateful person currently dominating my life, quashing my joy (which he so loves to do!). But remember this: they are not in control of our futures. Our children will eventually be old enough to cope with him. I'm waiting until my son is about 10-12 years old. Then I'm gone!!!!! His power over me will be zero!
And then I'm going to write a bloody good book about it, with a lot of laughs, believe it or not. I'm hanging onto my sense of humour with whitened knuckles; he can't take everything!
One tip for you, if you like a joke: When Psychopaths Dr Jeckyll becomes Mr Hyde, so as to keep my child coping, I generally shout something like: 'Oh my God, a terrible, vicious, snarling beast has taken the place of our (his name)! Run for your life!' And we run about screaming. Even Psychopath has to laugh at that (usually).
My coping mechanism has been humour. Takes the sting out and deflates him on the spot.
Good luck!
Kezza

kezza

Welcome to the forum!
I admire your attitude.
It seems like you have it figured out to some degree. What is the law in AU, you have to stay with him so that he doesn't get custody of the child? Have you tried talking to a psychiatrist (one who knows what Psychopaths are)?
Maybe they could help you? I don't know the laws in AU, but there sure are ways to win, you have to try no matter what!
And also - we are here for you!

Thanks so much, Newbird! You're right, I've been fighting this far; gotta keep going. The battle's lost if it's only half won, and I will not lose to a Psychopath.
Main thing I've noticed in these blogs are the losses; the energy, time, self-esteem - loss, loss, loss! They really do eat us up (and spit us out).
I've had a major panic attack overnight since discovering this site; suddenly I'm terrified, knowing what I know of the vacuum inside these people and how they consume us to fill it and how powerless we seem to be because we don't recognise what they're doing - until it's nearly too late!
But nobody steals from me. I had a brilliant career until I met Psychopath, who made me pregnant in that careless way they do and then took it all away - it seems. But I believe there's something to gain from every situation. I will get a book out of this; and I certainly have gained a better knowledge of myself, better certainty of my reason for being through my child. I was here to protect his three other children from his cruelty whenever they had to spend time with him, and that makes it all worthwhile on its own. Not all is loss; it only is if I only look at what is lost.
The custody laws here are ghastly; shared care 50/50 no matter what the circumstances has been the case until very recently, a 'grand experiment', rapidly going sour with so many miserable children as a result. I've stayed with Psychopath to avoid it. My savings crashed with the share market, to add to it all (almost funny to think that it too was probably brought about by a bunch of Psychopaths).
But I will take your advice because I don't think I can bend over for it anymore. The custody laws are being reviewed; shared care is not quite so definite, although is pushed. But if I can bring attention to Psychopaths condition ... maybe there's some help possible. I'll investigate.
Kezza

Hi NotCrzy, please be careful! You're fine so long as you don't get caught with a child to him; if that happens, you're in deep trouble. He will have power over you at a level you couldn't possibly imagine, and he'll toy with that like a cat does a mouse before killing it. All he can do now is emotionally blackmail you, which he's doing, and that's bad enough; it's making you unhappy. But have a child to him, and you're going to feel much more than unhappiness - you're going to feel terror, shame, helplessness and real despair. You're going to be completely in his power, and trust me, he means you no good. That's why they go about creating families - they can't control anyone out in the world fully, but they can control their wives and children, and that's what they want. I've learned that the hard way. Whatever else you do with him, PLEASE don't have a child with him!
Best of luck
Kezza

Hi Kezza,

It is interesting you say this, the ex-Psychopath was VERY keen on the idea that we have a child together. He brought it up early in our face-face relationship (within about 3 months). To begin with I was keen, thought it was our future. Through the ups and downs that followed I did see it as something that would tie us together. But after some time I got to know him better. I realised that he would never help with day-day child rearing, that a child would never live up to his expectations of other people or deal with his bullying and that a child would tie us together in a way that would actually not be romantic at all. Once he started negotiating who would pay for what for a child (his contribution would be any health expenses only) I was dead certain this was not someone I could raise a child with. His interest in my existing children is zero so I could only see immense problems with bringing a new child into the situation. This was a topic of freqent disagreement and I am sure his enthusiasm was at least somewhat driven by a baby as a way of "capturing" me.

I am paranoid today. He sent me an email with some attachments of photos he had taken of me without my knowledge. They are innocent in content (taken in public but during a disagreement). His email has no content and the subject line implies he wants to renew contact. I see the pictures as somewhat of a threat - that he has these pictures and there could be more less innocent ones in his possession. I don't know if I am reading too much in to his decision to meail these pictures. At the moment my intention is to ignore him. I don't know what else to do. This email has angered me a great deal and really made me concerned about the potential pictures and video he probably has.

He actually sent me an innocuous message a few days ago and I realised when I received it that for all the pining I have been doing in the past few weeks, I really have no strong desire to reconnect with him. I miss nothing about him. I know he is pathological and that cannot be changed by anyone, much les me. I hope he finds another victim fast, before he causes me too much heartache.

Reading other people's stories has made me realise I am lucky to be out, and so lucky not to be dealing with a murderer. I would say the ex-Psychopath isn't violent except in a sexual way, and even then he never "attacked" me as such, he just engaged in excessively violent acts after I had consented to sex. As I said in a previous post, he stopped this once he thought I enjoyed it. My heart goes out to those of you dealing with criminals, murderers and violent men.

Despite being paranoid and angry, today's message shows signs of progress I think. I hope i can gain stength from this should I have a backward step tomorrow!

NotCrzy

Yes, you are exactly right, when you say the psychopaths use those things most sacred to us as bargaining chips.


I discovered my dad had been married countless times (including 3 times in the space of 5 years). Had he even been divorced in between? Probably not. Much easier for him to just lie by omission to other women.

And he used children as well, in the same way, as bargaining chips. I have I don't know how many half brothers and sisters, who he never even mentioned to me, and certainly doesn't keep up with (he's never sent me any birthday cards, or paid anything for my upbringing, so I'm guessing he's treated the others in the same way).

'Reading other people's stories has made me realise I am lucky to be out, and so lucky not to be dealing with a murderer. I would say the ex-Psychopath isn't violent except in a sexual way, and even then he never "attacked" me as such, he just engaged in excessively violent acts after I had consented to sex. As I said in a previous post, he stopped this once he thought I enjoyed it. My heart goes out to those of you dealing with criminals, murderers and violent men.'

NotCrzy, you can't believe how much this paragraph rang alarm bells inside my head. This, to me, is the most horrendous violence. He knew you didn't like what he was doing and that you didn't want to do these things, and yet he deliberately did these things, took pleasure in what he was doing and took pleasure in your suffering. He treated you like an object.

I'd also have a think about the conditions under which you 'consented'. I have an acquaintance who I'm sure is in a relationship with a psychopath. She knows something isn't right, and she's starting to voice her concerns, but she's not quite knitting everything together yet. She told me how after a disagreement they had they had sex when they went to bed in the evening. She said that they then had sex again, and again, and again, even though she was getting more tired and really didn't want to. A total of seven times that night, throughout the night. What's that about? It's certainly not about having sex in the kind, sharing, communicative way that we think it's about. It's about wearing someone down and letting them know that they have no space (and think about what that means: emotional space, physical space, space for thinking, space for feeling).

Sorry if I'm being very blunt here. I had a really good session with my counsellor yesterday, but I'm feeling quite angry today, mainly about all the lies and manipulations.

Your bluntness is true starry. I rarely refused the ex-Psychopath sex. I can think of 2 times i refused and in both instances i ended up saying yes because of his berating. In a "normal" day he would have sex 4 times, lasting for 45-60 minutes. (in addition he would usually masturbate twice as well). This was exhausting for me. Most of the sex I did not enjoy, i liked the idea of bonding, love, mutual enjoyment but these were never concepts that existed in the relationship, and certainly not in the sex.

He didn't hold a gun to my head or physically force me to have sex with him. I have been the victim of physical sexual abuse in my past (repeatedly for 5+ years as a preteen by a family member). I just see myself as a "more willing" partner than i was in the past. Probably you are right to have alarm bells as I suspect the relationship with the ex-Psychopath will end up having a greater impact on me psychologically over time. Yes my perceptions are probably very screwed up. I have only ever had one session of 30 mins counselling, about 5 years ago. I generally deal with these issues through pushing them out of my mind. I still do not think my experiiences coare to those of us dealing with psychopaths who physcially stalk them, who murder and who assault. I pray my situation does not escalate and my continued no contact just drives him away.

I'm so sorry for all the pain and suffering you've had to endure, NotCrzy. It makes me so sad.

Read this thread and it makes me sad too.. My situation never escalated and I pray that the psychopath in your life stays away from you.. No contact is a powerful thing.. Good luck and god bless xxx