Hi Outsider,

I am sorry you are in such pain and it must be horrible to have days like you are having.

Has your sister been sentenced yet? Do you live in the same area as your family?

I wish you the best,
Di

Hi there Di,
That is the kicker:
We lived just a half mile from them (where they did live) whereas my parents live over a thousand miles from them for over 4 years now-- making it easy for them to create a fantasy about this nighmare in order to better cope with it.
Truly, I am too sensitive a soul. People deal with the death of loved ones every day.
But I tell you it was NOT his time to go. He filled many purposes and helped many people. Truly, I understood yesterday that this is the first one that I will never stop missing and that I have begun the journey of being an older person (44) in the beginning stages of losing people I truly love and I suspect you NEVER stop missing them. you just carry on.
I don't hate her anymore for doing it.
I don't know what I will end up doing w/ about her.
I am glad she is away from my daughter. God works in interesting ways: as I mentioned in a post my friend Danielle-- a very bright shining star of a soul has at long last stopped drinking and I am not usually optimistic about recovery but I am with her. She has taken my sister's place in my daughter's life and she is a MUCH healthier role model, no one is perfect-- but she is kind, generous, happy, full of energy and life and honesty and spiritual and very spooked by this darkness and telling me to separate from it.
Thanks for the inquiry Di.
Oh, my landlord sent over 6 month past due plumbers as a way to make up to me-- harmphhh, he is terrible--- we do want to go to the south where it is warm this summer, we will try.
Oh, it may be almost a year before actual sentencing.

"I suspect you NEVER stop missing them. you just carry on."

So true outsider but the worst of the pain goes though through time.

You may feel that he had not fulfilled his purpose, but in time you may see that in fact he did. Even his death may fulfill a purpose that cannot be seen yet. I thought that my sons life had been cut short but I see now that I could not be aware of what suffering he had been saved from and his death changed me in a positive way despite the grief or maybe because of the grief. Not that he died for my benefit, but good comes out of everything eventually.

If it is not too painful, what happened to him?
Later in his life, especially these last 4 years, "Peter,' deserved a much better life, he deserved so much more. He gave much more than he recieved. people let him down all the time that he tried to help. his wife treated him and talked to him like he was worthless. He worked like a dog on a hot roof and alternately a freezing roof long hours.
That hopefully he is in a place of love and peace now is my only solace and that we all meet again someday.
Thanks Mati.

Just thank you all for being supportive today. I am noticing in the smallest of ways--in my 3-D world- not including my outburst at my landlord which was warranted and long overdue- that I have a lot of anger inside. It helps when people validate you.(you all) I am going to pick up my chubby little guy I pick up from school for a little extra cash and gosh darn this government, no child support and just finally at at last got a wee bit of cash together for me and my girl and yet another goverment rule b.c they help us and they are after it with a new form and a new law and been brain storming all after noon how to outsmart them b.c we need it-- we have suffered for it for long--no new clothes- moives- nothing like that. I think I figured out a way...a way to keep it from them.
Off topic again.
You are my friends.
Lonely night ahead in front of the tele with my demons but I swam (my elixar) and I am fighting and not lying down.
ALL OF US ALL OF US will be okay.
There are monsters in the world. They ARE everywhere. But we are here too.
Sue (Outsider)

Insider,

"ALL OF US ALL OF US will be okay. "

Yes! And you are part of all of us.

Love,

Nan

"That hopefully he is in a place of love and peace now is my only solace and that we all meet again someday."

Yes, and I hope that you continue to get solace from that thought Sue.

My eldest son commited suicide 4 years ago. He was schizophrenic. I cannot blame him for his choice. Life must have been unbearable for him.

I cannot think of his n stepfather as innocent. When my son was younger (12) his stepfather was working on him, as with all four of my children to get n supply by doing me down behind my back. I only knew that my children did not love me as they should have as I never abused them. I only knew the truth this past year after I left the pit. He is working his magic full blast now that I am out of the way and have unmasked him.

Glad you feel supported. Lonely night in for me as well. here's a hug for you ((((Sue)))))

take care
Mati

Mati.

"My eldest son commited suicide 4 years ago. He was schizophrenic. I cannot blame him for his choice. Life must have been unbearable for him. "

I cannot begin to imagine the pain this must have caused you. To lose my adult son would be devastating beyond the bearable.

My father committed suicide when I was around nine years old. He was not schizophrenic - I am not certain what made him do it. For a long time it seemed to me that it was cowardly of him to leave my mother and his four children with his financial messes that left us in deep poverty. But now I believe that if he could have done better, he WOULD have done it. And so, I wish him love and peace.

Nan

Dear Nan

I am so sorry for you that you lost your father to suicide. It is surely the most selfish act possible due to the amount of suffering left behind, but those who take their lives are not in their right minds regardless of mental illness. It is easy to judge others and of course there is pain to deal with, but none of us know what it is like to walk in someone else's shoes when someone finds life so unbearable that they kill themselves. I felt angry with my son in the early stages of my grief. Yes it is unimaginable to consider what it could be like and surely the worst of nightmares as a parent is left considering every little negative thing they said to their child and every time they scolded.

I only got through it because God helped me and carried me in my hour of need.

love
Mati

Outsider,

Funny you should mention anger because I just looked up quotes about anger earlier today. I like motivational quotes because they seem to act as quick pick-me-ups. I can't say that I'm surprised your angry - I'm sure you are going through a grieving process and have also internalized a lot of pain.

Since I've had a similar problem regarding the P situations (and it sometimes resurfaces), I too need to think about this quote. I acknowledge it's easier said than done but definitely worth aspiring to at least.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."
Buddha

Now I should look up a quote on inertia because I've had too unproductive a week.

P.S. "ALL OF US ALL OF US will be okay."

That's inspiring in it's own right. Thanks.