Me again venting
Got turned down by the clinic for theray. I must start pursuing counseling w/ a vengeance now... and not just haphazardly so I can begin to move forward. The more I think about it, the more I want my sister to stay where she is at (incarecerated) We all lived in fear of her.... MOODS. They ruined everything all the time. She was out of control. She had no impulse control or was simply a spoiled brat or a big bully or an N: even her big tough husband tip-toed around her. She was a loaded gun waiting to go off. She has been a model prisoner. I really wonder if that will last. I really wonder if the real Nancy won't sooner or later come out and she won't start wigging out on the guards. I think it was a matter of time before she hurt someone. She was so filled with rage.
Outsider

I called crime victims counsel again and they are referring me out to another agency that specializes in this where there is "no conflict of interest." I just received the phone call. I just said to my friend on the phone that I must have a break very soon w/ this b/c I cannot go on like this. So these other places may be a long drive but I must go. I am reading the archives about these P's. It will be hard to perhaps maybe one day conclude my sister is a P. She has a great deal of the characteristics. I am sick to think that at a jury trial she might only get a couple years for this murder. I found out that the defendent has a lot of rights that protects them in regards to unveiling the dirty little secrets of their own lives and that my deceased brother-in-law's life will be on trial when in fact he had changed the last 4 years. It is not fair.
Outsider

Outsider,

I hope with all my heart that you will find help at the place just suggested to you. So, it is a long drive, but at this point you must do everything in your power to get the help you need. You are definitely doing the right thing.

I wish you good luck.

Nan

Hi,
I am still struggling w/ finding counseling: the drive is a bit ridiculous.
First off, I want to apologize: I will probably be more of a taker for a little while than a giver on this board. You know I think this murder has thrown me back to 1991 and I never recieved counseling for that one (my daughter's father's victime and his bloody crime). I walk around in a state of perpetual fear: I always stop to say hello to dogs and this dog was leary of me yesterday b/c he could smell the terror on me that I carry around, poor old bugger, and dogs usually love me to death. He was confused.
I have a question today.
It is very bad for me to sit alone in the daytime inside my head.
But I have 2 little part time jobs and take care of my daughter and the apartment and the pets.
I have an interview at a deptartment store on Wed.
Am I biting off more than I can chew at this point in time? You know I actually fell down on my bedroom floor at days end on her birthday.... but sitting alone all day is terrible.
Thanks for any ideas or insight.
sue outsider
ps- I can't quit the 2 part time ones b/c they are off the books, the only way my daughter and I can ever get a little bit of money together. thanks.

Sue,

"First off, I want to apologize: I will probably be more of a taker for a little while than a giver on this board."

Life is not a quid pro quo! We all have times where we are able to share because we feel rich in spirit and other times when we need a hand.

"I have a question today."

OK...<smile>.

"...I have 2 little part time jobs and take care of my daughter and the apartment and the pets.
I have an interview at a deptartment store on Wed.
Am I biting off more than I can chew at this point in time?"


First: Is this a full time job?

Second: Are you qualified for the job?

Third: Would you enjoy this job?

Fourth: Are there benefits, like Hospital Insurance, attached?

Fifth: If not, would you lose the benefits, I assume, you now have through the State?

Sixth: Will this job, plus the moon lighting, give you more financial security than you now have?

Can you handle this job AND the moon lighting?

"... sitting alone all day is terrible."

Yes! It can be a real blessing to be very busy because it gives your mind a break - the record needle isn't stuck in the same groove. Suddenly you realise that you have moments during the day when you can actually hear the 'music'and this can be a real positive thing that speeds healing.

Do you feel optimistic about the idea of working in this department store?

What are your thoughts on that?

Nan

Hi Sue

I would be careful about overdoing it when you are in a traumatic situation.

It is tempting to fill up our time because it is hard to be alone but sometimes we need it to get in touch with our inner selves. I have found it so hard to be by myself with no-one to visit and no-one calling. But I know that it is doing me good and i can feel myself recovering (little steps then a slip but forward all the time)
take care of yourself
Mati

Hi nan and mati,
no-full time, no- health insurance, over qualified, enjoy it- not particulary b/c the department I enjoy is currently filled w/ no foreseeable openings for quite some time, lose state benefits--it will be a game of juggling for me not to (I will have to keep my hours at a certain level as this particular job is not worth losing them over), can I handle it all--that's the part I do not know.
More financial security, oh just a wee bit b/c the rent goes straight up when I work "on the books."
But oh Nan and Mati I have to get out of here. My brain just begins to feed on itself, I appreciate your point Mati but with this crazy old brain of mine it is crucial to be among people to be sane and grounded.
Thank you both
Back to the figure it out game for me
sue

Hi Outsider, a long time ago when I wasn't well but needed to get out in the world I did volunteer work. I voluntered once a week at the senior center running the bingo game. It was great, because if I didn't show up many people would be disappointed so it forced me to look outside myself and put on a happy face and show up. They tried to engage me in more volunteer work but I stuck with my original plan and only did the bingo part until I was feeling a great deal more stable. That way my benefits stayed intact and I spent some time away from my problems and met some very lovely people who truly appreciated my efforts.

Hi Di,
Have done quite a bit off and on over the years but it is probably the most sensible route for me to take at this time. Maybe I could find something I really love.
Thanks.
sue

Hi Outsider, you never know what you might find. I signed up at the Community Center and they asked me to volunteer at the Senior Center bingo game which is something that had NEVER occured to me. I pictured they would have me work in the food bank or whatever, so we never know. It was one of the most rewardiing experiences I have had and I was very sad that I had to leave "my ladies" and move to another state.