I'm new to the forum and I've found many of your posts to be so helpful. Recently my father attempted to kill my mother. The demons that we have lived with, in our family, are now out in full force today. So many things we just tucked away or just turned our heads. We have a "mad man" on the loose until he's proven guilty.

I've been urgently looking for answers. Why did we keep so many of my father's actions secret? We were so good at it. There are hundreds of things that we wouldn't even allow our own subconscious to acknowledge.

If we HAD to look at the truth, it would have probably frightened us to the core? I don't know. Like I said, I need the answers. It will surely help us all begin to sleep at night. Sleep is at a premium anymore.

That feeling that we were all pawns in the biggest hoax of all times. You feel you are an intelligent person, able to spot a phony from miles away . . . yet here we were, living amongst the biggest phony of them all.

Here is man that was capable of killing pets, neighbor's pets, child molestation when I was a little girl, the emotional abuse, the financial control over my mother . . . and the list grows longer as we allow our memories to flood us.

I need to know why, how, and then a plead to make it stop. I know it will all play out in time, but this has devestated us.

Thank you for having such a forum to reach out to others. Unfortunately, it is so true that Misery Loves Company.

Gleam Light

Hi Gleamlight
I can fell your pain in your words. I know you must want answers but they might take a while to come to you. you have had an awful time. I think it is worse for the child of a P - the partner/spouse can cut the ties in most cases. But he will allways be your father - which is a lot to do with putting up with and ignoring things we would not accept from someone else.

Don't be too hard on yourself. When I started to find out about my ex I found it really did help to write l down - to try and make sense of it all. Facts and emotions.

It might help you too. You can always post some or all of it here if you want to get more feedback. Weare not professionals in a medical sense - just other recovering victims. But we do understand and we can support you.

How is your mother? The light will come back.

Bet of luck

Reovery

Hi Gleamlight,

Welcome to the forum.

It is very, very difficult to believe what our minds refuse to acknowledge.

Reading posts here, you have seen how many of us have fought an internal battle to come to grips with a reality that we could not understand and even when it looked as though we had to acknowledge the facts, we did not want to understand. Even as we struggle to understand, some part of us, very understandably, hold on to the feeling 'this is NOT happening'.

Your post indicates that you have now arrived at the point where you realise that you worst fears have come true. That you now realise that everything you have fought against knowing is inescapable reality.

You write that this, "will surely help us all begin to sleep at night." Yes, it will!

While it will seem as though your suffering has only begun, in fact, now you know why you have been suffering, and you will no longer think that it is your own fault that your life has not turned up. You will no longer think that you are crazy or emotionally disturbed or unbalanced in your view of a reality that you only dimly understood.

It is impossible to fight something invisible. It is much easier when you know what you are up against for then you can take action on your own behalf.

Right now, you are devastated by the truth. Please try very hard to find a licenced psychologist or therapist who can help you though this. It will make a huge difference. A good therapist will be able to validate your fears and feelings and allow you to feel safe while expressing the many different emotions this experience has brought to the surface.

Another thing that will help is to get as much factual information as you can. Robert Hare's Without Conscience is a good starting point. It is written for the layman in easy-to-understand language.

Meanwhile, you may be experiencing a war of blame, with different family members justifying this, that and the other thing. The fur is flying because everyone is angry and distressed and unclear about what they are feeling and what they ought to think about it. Try to keep together. Try to acknowledge that each person's suffering is real, no matter how it is expressed. Try to be loving with each other.

Kind regards,

Nan

Hi Nan -

Your words meant the world to me today. I forwarded copies of both responses to my Mom.

"You will no longer think that you are crazy or emotionally disturbed or unbalanced in your view of a reality that you only dimly understood."

I literally let out a good old fashioned sob after reading this sentence, in particular. Those feelings of being unbalanced have actually been a lingering part of my life for years on end. Sure, as I grew into adulthood, raised my own children, they dwindled at times. But in reality, they were always there with me like a shadow. I've been so good at continually carrying around GUILT with me over the most ridiculous things. Always so careful not to inconvenience someone, or to hurt another's feelings, etc. Even when it was necessary to defend myself in the normal day to day functions (on the job, in a grocery store, etc.), my way was to "let it go" . . . it isn't worth the possible conflict.

The actions of my father were so subdued and underhanded, that you shunned at the thought that they were really happening. For survival, you HAD to tuck it away. Especially as a small child. Our brains cannot process such horrific truths about the person that is supposed to represent your lifeline . . . your safety.

God forbid that I ever had the courage to say any of my "uncertanties" out loud. If even a little form of "questioning" towards some of his actions were even hinted, the ramifications from my father would shut me down instantly.

To know that we are not alone in this nightmare somehow provides me with a sense of tommorow. Today's life appears to be a Halloween thriller movie, where my family is the victim being stalked by my father. At any moment, the thought of him striking out, without an ounce of feeling for humanity . . . is a true threat. This isn't just in the movies. We are living it.

Thank you again. I'm sure you will see more of me on this forum. I process just about every obstacle in life by educating myself. This forum provides so much information to keep me busy for quite some time.

Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Gleam Light

Hello Recovery -

I want to thank you too for such kind words. I opened up my door of demons for the world to see and there were people here to say "it will be okay". Thank you for that.

You asked about my mother. She was hit repeated on the head and face. She suffered from 2 skull fractures, fractures to the orbit of her eye, and fractures to her jaw. A hole was punctured through her ear. If we look up the definition of the word "survival", it will say my mother's name. How she survived is mind boggling.

She has been through extensive surgery and will endure more. She is now becoming angry (in a healthy manner) which has been good to see. This in itself is teaching her to take CONTROL for herself. The memories are so hard on her as well. AND she of course harbors the same type of guilt that I shared in my response to Nan.

Thank goodness that we know how to feel emotion. We know how to love and take care of one another. We know how to set aside all of our petty concerns in life to aid our fellow man. My father will never be able to look at himself in the mirror and feel that "thing" within his heart. We are blessed with emotion. All emotions, good or bad, we FEEL. What a treasure that we have been given.

Thank you Recovery for giving me such wonderful support when we are needing it the most.

Gleam Light

Hi Gleam Light, welcome to the forum. Your story is truly frightening to be raised by such a father. Did he actually kill pets? Is he still living with your mom and is she in a safe place?

Kind regards,

Di

Hi Di -

It is truly frightening to look back, to see that I was raised by a person that sends chills up your spine. What we are able to do with our minds, to sleep at night, and make everything seem okay . . . is beyond words. How do we tuck this stuff away so easily and so quickly? It was as if a giant light was turned to "ON" in our brains and now we can finally see the truth. This history of ours has a whole new life today.

My mother, thanks for asking. She's safe from my father. She is under an alias, both while in the hospital and where she is living. She's being protected like Fort Knox. She asked that she be videotaped, in case something were to happen to her. That way the tape is left behind with her words. How creepy her days have been to even have to think of such things? But in reality, that was a very smart thing to do. After all the horrendous things he's done, and the recent attempt on her life . . . you just never know. We have to get a grip on that thought alone.

My pets and the neighbor's pets . . . such an awful thing to look at. This goes back over so many years. Things would appear to be more SANE and then he'd do something so horrendous again. I am so glad that I simply adore animals. I can't even phathom hurting a pet. They are like family to me.

Here he is, over 6 foot tall, weighing 200 pounds or more. He felt that if our dog is sleeping on the floor, you should never step over him. The dog should just MOVE for you. Otherwise, our poor little dog would be stepped on! My little dog used to RUN when he heard the footsteps of my father. That poor little dog. I loved that little dog! There are absolutely no instances, in our memory banks, that Dad ever even pet this little dog!

Our dog grew older over the years, and couldn't always HOLD it until we got home. There were the occassional "presents" left on the carpet from time to time. This was not sitting well with my father, of course. My mother arrives home one day and is told that the little dog was given to an elderly couple. This makes no sense in my mind today. Why was there no phone call during the day to my mother and then a call to explain what the couple were like. Where did this "supposed" couple come from? How did they supposedly know about my dog? I mean, he's giving away a part of the family! We know, now in hindsight, my father made the little dog disappear. There is no other answer.

Then there is two other instances that we know for a fact, that dogs met their demise due to my father. I shudder at the thought. This is MY family? It happens to other people and not us. We see this in the movies or on the news. Not to us. But in reality, yes, it is right here.

Thanks again for the concerns about my mother. I don't know how she gets through each day, but somehow she finds this enormous strength. I'm so proud to be her daughter. I wish I could say the same about both parents . . . but I just cannot. I'm ashamed of my father in the most negative way possible.

Gleamlight

Hi Gleam Light,

I cannot imagine what it must feel like to grow with a P father. I was an adult when I met the P. To be a child and have to endure the underhanded threats, the barely suppressed violence and the manipulation that a P excells at, must have been a nightmare.

My parents were dysfunctional, to say the least, but they were not Ps. I can remember looking at picture books and not being able to relate to the happy life that these children were leading. I simply did not understand that life could be any other way but the way mine was. I do not recall any adults, neighbours and such, ever letting on that there was something afoot in my family. So why complain when you are unaware that you have cause to complain. It feels so lonely!

"I've been so good at continually carrying around GUILT with me over the most ridiculous things."

Yes! But it is only now that you realise that those things are inconsequential. At the time they were not the least bit ridiculous - they presented an alternative way of looking at and dealing with what was happening - an upside-down view of reality that to a child becomes reality because it has no other point of reference. And we take this no-reference point with us as we grow up and become adults. I think that is what creates this horrible sense of being unbalanced.

"Today's life appears to be a Halloween thriller movie, where my family is the victim being stalked by my father. At any moment, the thought of him striking out, without an ounce of feeling for humanity . . . is a true threat. This isn't just in the movies. We are living it. "

I have read your post to Dianne. Your mother must be going through hell. Where is your father right now? Is he at large? Have your mother pressed charges against him? He is an older man I assume and if the police is looking for him, he would not be able to hide forever.

You seem very united as a family and that will prove to be a great strength. Ps use the Divide and Conquer rule against family members in order to create chaos that stops the individuals from seeing what is really going on. If you can stay and remain united, he will have a much harder time getting to any one of you with diverse emotional pleas, anger and excuses.

At least you no longer have to defend your right to BE.

It helps to write, to get it out of your system. It helped me. When I first found this place, I posted at an alarming rate. I was so filled with questions and just one answer provoked ten more questions.

All of us here understand something about what you are going through.

Good thoughts,

Nan



You must have felt something akin to that.

Hi Gleamlight

I love the name you chose, and infact most of the names chosen on the forum - they all express such a lot, but gleamlight has a nice positive ring.

Your mum sounds amazing and I really hope that she recovers and goes onto to experience real happiness with you. Her idea for a video was both practical and sensible. I remember that after my ex tried to break into my home I left detailed notes with someone just in case he tried again! Luckily he did not.

Where is your father, I assume he will be jailed for this? Does he try to see you? I hope you escape from his influence and get some peace.

At least you know you are not alone and I hope we can help support you and your mother.

Good luck

Recovery

Hi Nan & Recovery -

My father is out on bail, which was set too low. However, he never had any priors before this incident. My father is living within just a few minutes from my mother, on another property, owned by my parents. He's able to walk the streets! However, a restraining order does exist, but that is just paperwork. It doesn't give you a magic shield of safety. There is always the possibility of running into him. So you always look over your shoulder.

But as I've read over and over again . . . a P's biggest fear is getting caught. This seems to be the only scenerio in which he feels remorse . . .well remorse for himself. He was "caught" and must remain on his best behavior, per the intructions of his bail. The "getting caught" aspect, personally gives me a small morsel of the feeling of safety at times. If he carries this fear, then the possibility of hurting may not be on his agenda.

BUT, then I sway to the other spectrum. If you know that you are going to prison anyway, in a demented mind, you may want to take your own life and all of those that you feel have betrayed you.

The mind of a P is nearly impossible for any us to comprehend. I function on emotion 24/7. As much as I've tried to cut out emotion and try to somewhat put myself in his shoes, to paint a picture for myself as to how he operates . . . I still cannot.

I realize that to a P, anyone and everything can be disposed of in a heartbeat . . . especially if this obstacle is in his path of SELF. If he has a particular goal in mind, and someone or something is in the way . . . well then they have to go. But then I hang onto his fear of "getting caught". So this doesn't make it so easy for him. Often times, as much as he wants to remove the obstacles . . . he may just have to ENDURE and take a step back. He might get "caught". Do I make sense?

But is it possible that a P can give up? That they know they've been beaten . . . such as seeing the evidence set before him. Apparently, there is no doubt in the court system's mind, that he will go to prison. It is pretty much a cut and dry case. So prison is basically a certainty. Once the statement of evidence is released, my father should surely see that prison is inevitable.

Prison is a HUGE obstacle in the path of SELF. If you have no emotion, what would you do? This question is what is eating at me. I would doubt that suicide is the answer. Suicide is an emotional decision. But would revenge play in his mind? Possibly. I don't know. This is not the healthiest thought to be dwelling on, yet I cannot help it right now.

I used to be so hard on myself, because of the fact that I am such an emotional soul. I rarely use 100% logical thinking, unless it is something like making a decision as to whether to replace the furnace or not. The remainder of my existence is purely based on emotion. After learning the traits of a P, I thank my lucky stars for all of the emotion that surges through me.

Someone recently said to me that we are all disposed to be "bad" at certain points in our lives. Yet we consciously make a decision not to stay fixated in this state. I don't think this pertains to a P whatsoever. I've known my father since he was in his early 20's. This is most certainly a brain malfunction. He was born this way . . . I'm certain of it. Society or parenting, etc. can sway a person to be "bad", but this issue with my father is completely different. This is an evil that dwells in his brain. Whatever blocks the emotion and deadens him to FEEL for anything outside of himself is what has caused this nightmare.

Okay, I've rambled enough for today. These thoughts have been my latest obsessions. If I've made any sense, hopefully someone can shed some light on this for me?

Thanks again!
Gleamlight