This is long but please read and tell me what you think. I would appreciate any feedback you can give me. I am really scared and don't know what to do. I am afraid for my son and grandchildren.

I have a son who is married to a P but I didn't know she was that until the last few months. She has been really terrible for years but in the last 3 years, and especially the last 2 months, she is out of control. She has been dating other men for 3 years now. He has been doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and taking care of the house all this time, plus working full time.

A while back he moved out into his own home. He had told her he wanted a monogamous marriage, he wanted her to cook and clean for the family which she hasn't for about 3 years now. And he told her he wanted her to be nice and talk nice to him because she is very emotionally and verbally abusive to him. She didn't want to do any of the things he wanted her to do so he left.

She told him if he would pay her house pmt, car pmt, both insurances, paid the utilities, bought all the groceries, all the clothes, gave her spending money, gave her all his bonus checks and agreed to never let me see the kids she wouldn't divorce him. He filed for divorce and that's when he found out she had already filed. She is asking him for $1300 a month more than he brings home. She refuses to let him see the kids any more than 2 1/2 days a week in order to get joint custody which is thousands of $ more a month instead of shared custody which is less.

He started dating another woman who he likes very much just a few weeks ago. When I asked my DIL what my son would live on she said in not nice words she didn't care - he could go live with his new girlfriend. I find it ironic that he was/is supposed to accept her lovers and yet she is insanely jealous of anyone my son does date. She became insanely out of control and suddenly one day started telling everyone and pressed charges saying she was raped and my son's girlfriend sent the man to rape her. The woman has had to hire an attorney to protect herself.

But as far as we know my DIL never went to a doctor or filed a police report about the rape. During the 2 months she said it happened and until she told her mother, who called me to tell me, she was completely normal - for her. She became afraid that the police weren't believing her so she started going to a rape counselor and support group. We don't even believe she was raped and we believe she started going to the counselor and group to strenghten and back up her case. Her behavior is becoming increasingly bizzare and she is increasingly becoming more erratic. She has told so many lies over the years that we don't know when to believe her or not.

She made me promise on my life that I wouldn't tell her oldest daughter about the rape and then I received a call the next day telling to me to tell her. When I told her I didn't feel comfortable in doing that, that it was her business and she should tell her if she wanted her daughter to know she started telling everyone I said she was unstable.

She is refusing to let me see the kids and yet invited me into her home one day and kicked me out the next, following me out to my car yelling and screaming at me. When she went back into the house where my son and g-kids were my son said she was normal. She calls me up alternately yelling on one call and sobbing hysterically the next call call.

She is now saying I am anti-marriage for her and my son. She told me my son told her I had been telling him for over a year to divorce her. That is not true. When I asked him about it he said he told her he had been thinking of divorcing her for over a year. When she asked him what I thought about that he told her that I said I would support him in whatever decision he made.

A short time ago she went into his residence, figured out his password and was in his e-mail reading his mail. When he asked her to leave she became enraged and attacked him. He sustained numerous bite marks on his hands, bruised ribs, a sprained finger she bent back and a knot on right temple. To restrain her he put her in a headlock and she got a fat lip.

He called my husband and I and asked what he should do and we told him to call the police, which he did. The police took his statement then called her and had her go to the police station and give them a statement. They ended up taking my son to jail. They believed her instead of him. The lawyer told us that he had never seen a more biased written statment than the one written by the police officer who took my daughter in laws statement. He said the problem was the police officer was a very young new recruit who was female and she bought my daughter in laws statement hook, line and sinker.

At one point my daughter in law (DIL) apologized to him for what she let him go to jail, is letting him go through diversion classes and letting everyone else believe he is a batterer. They live in a small town and went around telling every one he hit her. Because of what the police did to him he is afraid to plead not guilty because he doesn't think it will be a fair trial and they will convict him.

I made a statement to my son over 20 years ago when he was in high school and she has latched onto that and says I don't respect her now. In the 70s when he started dating he asked me how I felt about him dating a black girl. I told him I didn't care what color, nationality or planet any girl was as long as she treated him good. My DIL now says that I disrespected her when I said that because that proves I don't care who he's with.

I told her I made that statemtent when my son was in high school and I didn't even say it with her or anyone else in mind and it was before my son even knew her. She just won't let it go or understand.

Of course there is so much more but this will give you an idea of what we are dealing with. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Dear Ashirah,

It sounds like you are having a horrible time. I sympathise deeply although with me it's the reverse, my son is the P and his girlfriend is the one who suffers - and by default of course my granddaughter.
I know a few things that help me, and that is to think first about protecting myself, next about protecting the innocent and last to be just and then be generous. In practice I think I can best protect myself by knowing where I draw the line in his and their affairs. In short there are some things I don't want to know and refuse to get involved with, instead I listen to soothing music or go for a weekend to the country - mobile switched off. Next I try to protect my younger daughter and she tries to protect herself and me too and we are resonably successful, we have house rules and emergency plans etc etc - it is hard however for me to protect my little granddaughter (2) but when she visits the father, my son, the P, I try to always be there, always on duty not to get involved with him, but to rescue her. He is lazy so that makes it easier. As for the rest - like I said, I try to be fair about where the blame lies (my son is not always the one, but most often is) and then be generous in my time/resources given to him to 'fix' a situation eg money to his girlfriend for the child etc.

I know we can't be superhuman , I can't rescue the world, so I guess its a case of doing what you can and accepting the tragedy of what you can't. Very hard.
S

Sarafina,

Thank you so much for your response. There is a lot of good advice in it for me. I think the hardest thing for me is accepting that I cannot have a normal family life with my son, DIL and grandkids. I just have to accept that. He is my only son and my only grandchildren and it can get pretty lonely at Christmas and Thanksgiving and birthdays because my husband and I aren't usually invited. I miss the family times a lot because when I was growing up those times were really special in the family. But all the gigantic drama she brings into those times and the attacks she heaps on me is just too much for me to deal with. Over the years we just quit getting together.

There isn't much I can do with the kids since I have no legal right to them. I do believe my son is as sick as she is, only a different kind of sickness, and I have exhorted him to go to therapy. He has made an appointment so now I am hoping the therapist will know how to work with the spouse of a psychopath. I think it will be a tall order.

Thank you again for your response. Ashirah