Dear Segaya, Jan, and Sapphira,

Segaya! Please, please please don't think YOU hurt my feelings! I didn't express that well at all; your post brought up so many memories and the pain was incredible! But it helped so much! It was amazing...after I wrote the post, I read it back and was appalled at what I was discussing...appalled that all those things (and they are only a few) actually took place! It was almost as if I couldn't connect with the feelings until I had written them out to you. I was really shocked at what I started remembering, and in tears too. So please, I never meant that YOU had hurt me! You are my pink girly friend, and I love that we can talk to each other and say anything! Forgive me for writing poorly.

Jan, I don't know what to say about why I am around them. I have nothing to do with my Psychopath sister and brother, and the other one lives across the country, thank God, but I do see my mother. She is elderly and frail and suffering, and I don't have the heart to punish her or pay her back for what she has done. I know that makes me the Chump Of The Year, but it's not in my nature and I like myself this way. So I limit the contact, do what I can to make her comfortable but under my terms, not hers. Sometimes, because of her, the other two are there, and I have as little to do with them as possible. I am civil, but that's it. My mother is unable to accept what they are like, or she is just like them...I haven't decided yet. EIther way, I am not going to force the issue on her in her 80s. If she was going to accept it, she would have years ago, and I lack the necessary cruelty. Yes, I know, I'm a major loser, but I have chosen to not be like them. I don't regret not punishing her; the other two are fair game, though.

Segaya and Sapphira,

Remember earlier when I posted about them giving my Psychopath sister the only family album to copy? I had to look through it for something, and guess what I saw? Me, with my hair chopped off. The first day of kindergarten, with what looks like a hedge trimmer haircut. The first day of grade school was even worse. I remember once my mother cutting my hair and I looked in the mirror and it was just touching the TOP of my ears! I remember crying and putting my hands over my ears, and saying, "I can't go to school like this!" My brothers and sister all had curly hair, beautiful curly hair. I came along, the last child, with "straight gray hair" according to my mother. I had a little wave, but nothing else. So I was always told how awful my hair was, and my mother said she cut it off because I "cried when she combed it". I don't believe that. My sister had long tubular curls down her back. . So I'm looking at these pictures, and there are these awful crooked chops, with half the bangs missing, and pieces all over the place. All of the pictures.

Wait, it gets worse.

Then I started noticing something strange...my clothes. I keep seeing these pictures where I am in boy's pajamas, and my Psychopath sister is in floral nightgowns. Later I am in hand-me-downs from...my brothers! What is going on here? I was only a year younger than the Psychopath sister, so if I am in hand-me-downs, they should be from my sister. It was pretty horrifying to look at this and see a pattern. I haven't figured it out yet. Once my mother gave me a Christmas gift, saying, "I know you like antiques". I opened it and it was a old, dirty nightgown from the Salvation Army, from the 1960s. It was some poor deceased elderly woman's clothes, and she bought it and wrapped it for me. God rest that unknown woman's soul, but I threw it out immediately, and told my mother to never buy me anything again. Since then I have picked my gift or taken money. My poor husband thought he had seen everything, but he says that gave him nightmares, it was so hateful and creepy.

I know my mother always said she wanted a girl, so maybe when she got my sister, she was done, and then I came along unfortunately. The funny part is, if there can be a funny part, is that I'm the girly one and my sister isn't. She's the sporty type. I love the pink, the fluff, the polish, the skirts, (I love skirts) all of the pretty sparkly stuff. Always have, which is why it hurt so much that I had no hair and wasn't allowed to have pink (because my sister wanted it). My mother always bought me blue. Ugh. If I could find a tiara, I would wear it. So the second I got out of the house, I started growing my hair.

Now, on that subject...

I read what you both wrote about your hair and it really touched me. I never thought there was a pattern to this, about the mirror and the hair, and being a girl. I always thought it was just me because I was just so plain and ugly and would never have a date or a boyfriend, and my Psychopath sister was so "normal", etc., etc. She used to hide her makeup so I wouldn't know what it was or how to buy it. Sapphira, what you said about the mirror really hit me. My husband took me shopping once when we were first together. He knew I needed a sweater. He gave me some money, left me in the department, and went off to look at some coat or something, and said "I'll meet you in ten minutes". He walked away, and a few minutes later, thought he hadn't given me enough money and came back. To his horror, I was standing in the same place, hiding behind a pillar, in tears, because I didn't know what to do or how to shop. He has never gotten over that, believe me.

I have to stop this the cat just threw up, so I'm sorry for cutting this short (no pun intended). I will come back tonight if I can and finish. Sorry about the abrupt ending.

Love, Lady Crown.



Segaya, this is the picture I wanted to show you. Isn't she lovely?

http://www.barbiecollector.com/images/showcase/products/G8055_9993_main.jpg

Dear Segaya, Jan, Sapphira,

Okay, the cat is fine. The carpet's not so good, though.

My husband wants to take advantage of your kind invitation and post. I will finish up on the hair thing later.

Greetings, ladies. First, I would like to thank you for having this forum, it has done my wife a world of good and I am pleased that she has nice, decent outside contacts like yourselves. Thank you for your compliments, but I feel compelled to state that I am not perfect. I come from an abusive family and background issues as well, which I don't let affect my caring nature. To the women out there, there are men like me who will dry the tears, have the shoulder, give you what you need. Unfortunately, it seems to be rare, but we are out there. You must believe in yourselves, acknowledge the damage that has been done to you, and cherish yourselves, because you deserve it.

To the ladies' partners; there are times when you wish to take the pain away, and take it onto yourself, and it is frustrating that you can't, especially when the psychopaths are still at it. Don't let that frustration keep you from doing every little thing you can, which may seem little to you, because it will make a world of difference to her. It's not about being special or unusual, but it is all about loving the person for who they are, the pain they have endured, the pain they are going through, and holding their hand on the road to where they want and need to be. Best wishes and luck to all of you; you have amazing courage to take part in this forum. Remember, it's not about my being special, it's about being human.

Sincerely,
"Lord Crown"

My lovely pinky girlfriend!!!
Let me start with...ppffff I am so relieved... Let's make a deal oke.....Let us make a pact; We will never ever think again that one of us is out to hurt the other..no matter what language difficulty's there may be.. We will clear them up and get them out of the way....And we asume from now on automatacaly that it's oke .

Second... Princes...Yes you are LADY Crown indeed... I love the picture of the doll... the casttle behind it is my private resedence!! The collors of the dress are majestic!!!
The gold and the red in combination said it all..... I will print it out, put it in a frame and every time I look at it, It will remember me of you and of the connection we made , even being so far apart. When times will be difficult I know you are there, somewere in this world, knowing me as I know you, sharing, caring, loving!

Again I want to share, tell in words that it is so very special for me to have met you. Not knowing how you look like, but in my heart it seems so clear.The connection we made is wonderful. Now, more recent there is Sapphira, And i knew in my heart she wil be part of this connection too... We are like the same person... Living from the same well.....
Since I have met you I never felt alone anymore...
I know I said this before, and it is true..I always knew I wasn't alone..never felt alone, but that is on a different level..In this ( material)world I felt incredible alone..That has changed.You and Sapphira made me a happy person ................

We have to put facts in to words. The wonder of it is, that by doing so there is somebody ( wauw, more than one even!!) who understands exactly what is ment!!!!!This kind of understanding is so rare.... Thank you both!!!!

You gave my heart peace by writing why you are doing still what you are doing....
You tell; Yes i am a major looser.....
And you used another term that I don't know what it means, but I suspect it not to be a nice word....
You are not!!
I admire what you are doing now...Maybe WE were the ones being wrong!!
Not knowing the why of it, made us presume something else...But let me speak for myself;
I thought ( shame on me!!) that you were still doing what they want because you are so used to it. That you did it because of low selfesteem etc.....
The opposit is treu!!!
Thank you for that insight you gave me.
You really have to be a LADY from deep within to be able to be such a great person.
You know why you are doing it...And as I take it from you ( and you are the only one who knows this) it's for all the good reasons.
You are so big a person that you are able to get small. To serve on your terms, Not to carry the hate towards them but be yourself and answer to who you are. I don't know if I can make clear what I mean....
Let me try to put it different to make clear what I mean;
A big heart is needed to do what you are doing. Thinking of it.. What If my family was living around me...Would I be brave enough to do what you do....
Pppff no way!!!
Could I stay so close to who I am that I could stand all what happend and still have kindness enough to put it aside and do what MY heart tells me to do...
Take it from me..I wouldn't....
I admire who you are and what you are..despite what people teached you, or didn't...You are a lady indeed!In dutch we have an expression... don't think I can translate it but I will try and I do think you will understand what I mean;
I Bow my body and take of my hat for you ....
Thank you for this great lesson of live and thank you for taking the time to teach me ( I think I can savely say; Teach US)

I have to admite something else;
My heart jumped when you tell about what happend to you with your hair and clothes.
I knew You share this with us ... Ofcourse my heart didn't jump because it made me happy...no way, It jumped because again on this level I keep talking about, there is this connection....
You know what I had to life through and what Sapphira had too... I know what you had to live through and I am sure Saphira knows it too.. We, you and me know what Sapphira means when she is talking about all things that happend.
No matter how many oceans there are in this world..This , what is happening here on this forum is so very special and so exeptional...wauwie.......
I want to give you a picture of a doll too..The titel of it says it all....
You are a lady; you are the queen of hearts.....

http://www.barbiecollector.com/shop/product.aspx?product_id=61463&shelfid=150007
With lots of love, Segaya



Whwhawhhah I just read a bit about alice in wonderland.... I DON"T mean you are THAT queen of hearts... Leave the farytale and go with only the titel please hwhwhawha...
uphs.....

HAi Lord Crown.....
I have a big smile on my face...And I can't get it off......
Thank you for taking the time to write to us.....
We now already you are a human being.....Your queen is, so you have to be!!!!


We are so happy that you are supporting our pinky friend, and she really is a good rolmodel for us as I wrote to her just now!!!
As she is such a great person there had to be a great husband for her in this world.
I am sorry you are also from a abusive background, But I think you will agree with me;..It makes us pretty smart!!!
For me....I tried to have a good relationship serveral times and didn't succeed. It doesn't matter who's fauld that is or was...What matters now is that I discovered that I don't need a man to lean on... I life my live on my own and I am so happy doing so..This goes for me..I realize this is not for everybody. We are all different aren't we.
For now this is oke... This is more than oke for me....

It makes me happy when I see people that have good relationships and are so happy together. Please never take it for granted. It's so rare and so special if it's happening!
It's sometimes hard labor and sometimes you will get tiered of it, but it's worth hanging in and after bad times you will be so happy and see that you will even be closer again.
Take care of yourself and of my pinky girlfriend and , please, keep teaching her that she is so special!
And at moments that she can't believe you... send her to this forum..we will tell her also and back you up!!!
With love Segaya

To all.....
Can't we make an agreement??
hwhawh I have a great idear;
You all learn dutch and make it a bit easier for me to express myself..
We could change the language every so many months so there is equal time for everybody to be creative in their own language!!!
I say Yeah!!!!!
Laughing Segaya

Dear Segaya,

I love that picture! Thank you, she is so pretty! I was so happy to read your answer and when you said you liked the picture and were going to frame it, I was so pleased! Thank you so much. I'm going to save this one that you sent me as well, and I will think of you when I look at it.

This is what "chump" means:

"een persoon die lichtgelovig en gemakkelijk is voordeel te halen uit"

It was really more of a joke than serious, because they try to take advantage of me, and sometimes it is so tiring staying two steps ahead of them. But I have to tell you, I was so complimented by what you wrote about being big-hearted. I really appreciated that. It made me feel wonderful. I liked what you said about our speaking Dutch. I wish I could speak another language. You do so wonderfully well expressing yourself and you are very fluent.

I only have a short time today to be on, so I wanted to tell you about something. You mentioned trying to grow out your hair, as we both are. I don't know how long your hair is or if it is layered or all one length. However, here is a great way to trim it yourself!

Het deel uw haar in het midden, en kamt rechtstreeks elke kant onderaan. Neem greep van één kant met twee vingers, zoals een schaar, en glijd uw hand neer bijna aan het eind. Einde daar. Daar zou over een duim of twee van einden tussen uw vingers moeten zijn. nu, tip u hoofdrug . U zult de eindentrekkracht door uw vingers voelen. Breng uw hoofd terug naar normaal. Dit zal zelfs uit de einden, en u kunt rechtstreeks overdwars met een schaar in orde maken. Herhaal op de overkant.

Het tweede ding is, en dit gaat een weinig bizar klinken… het deed ook aan me, tot ik het probeerde. Het heeft Voorwaarde slechts geroepen, (Co) en wat u doet is u wast uw haar met veredelingsmiddel in plaats van shampoo. Ik gebruikte altijd shampoo, natuurlijk, en dacht dit enkel onhygiënisch was. Maar ik probeerde het. Het veredelingsmiddel maakt net zo goed schoon als shampoo, piepende schoon, en het heeft de zelfde ingrediënten, maar heeft het niet het zeepadditief dat stroken uw haar. Mijn haar is zacht en schoon en veel aardiger, met minder luchtige stukken geweest. Plus het van mijn sleutelbeen aan het midden van mijn rug in ongeveer veertien maanden is gegroeid, en ik denk die ben omdat er minder breuk zonder de shampoo is. Zo is wat ik nu doe was met veredelingsmiddel, laat het 's nachts, altijd een kam van de bodem van het haar, niet de bovenkant drogen en gebruiken.

And in case that didn't come out right...

Part your hair in the middle, and comb each side down straight. Take hold of one side with two fingers, like a scissor, and slide your hand down almost to the end. Stop there. There should be about an inch or two of ends between your fingers. Now, tip you head back. You will feel the ends pull a bit through your fingers. Bring your head back to normal. This will even out the ends, and you can trim straight across with a scissor. Repeat on the other side.

The second thing is, and this is going to sound a little weird...it did to me too, until I tried it. It's called Condition Only, (CO) and what you do is you wash your hair with conditioner instead of shampoo. I always used shampoo, of course, and thought this was just unhygienic. But, I tried it. The conditioner cleans just as well as shampoo, squeaky clean, and it has the same ingredients, except it doesn't have the soap additive that strips your hair. My hair has been soft and clean and much nicer, with less flyaway pieces. Plus it has grown from my collarbone to the middle of my back in about fourteen months, and I think that's because there is less breakage without the shampoo. So what I do now is wash with conditioner, let it dry overnight, and always use a comb from the bottom of the hair, not the top.

I have to go now, but I wanted to give you some girly stuff. I'll be back pretty soon, so take care. Sorry I have to rush off. Love, Lady Crown

My dear friend,
LOL
I am so surprised; here you are again..in DUTCH.... wonderfullll
I was happy you added the english part as well, with the both together it was very clear.

I was supprised , never heard of this way of washing the hair...I will start tomorrow trying it. I look forward to it.. 14 months only for so much growth????? ingradible...
My hair didn't want to grow until I got my diagnoses of the heart condition and the medicines...
Just before that i cut it off... It looked terrible. It was like burned because my health was so very poor.
Since than, almost 10 years went by and now my hair is also on the middle of my back...

I can't cut it myself because its cut in a round way... hwahwh I don't think this way of saying will make any sense;... It is shorter on the sides and in the middle of my back it's longer. There is not a hugh difference it just seemed nicer that way...The shorter bits are approxematly just on the level of the elbow. The longer ones are ca 5 cm ( 2 inches) longer
I understand your hair has the same lenght..and as I understand correctly Sapphira's hair is also..this will be something!!!!!!!

I don't know what other people will say as they read our postings about the hair and so on...'What has this to do with psychopathy?' they will ask/say....
I hope these persons will take time and see for themselfs this has EVERYTHING to do with it.. but mostly it has, with surviving them and correct the wrong they did to us!!!

Thank you for sharing the information on the CO and I will tell you what my findings are after a while .
Love and pinky hugs,
Segaya

Dear Segaya and Lady -and Lord - Crown,

Wow, look what I've been missing:) I hope you are all good. I am just pleased and also very touched by what I have read... All this talk about hair, what does it have to do with psychopathy? I laughed until I cried.

Where do I start? Segaya, I had to take a break because I feel something very deep shifting within myself and I often feel like it's just a dream and I'm going to wake up it will all be gone. Sometimes this is very stressful so I took a break. Then I came back and have had these posts on my mind, even waking me up at night.

Lady Crown, I have cried a lot for you. When you said the words that your hair didn't even touch your ears, it broke me in two. Right down to the soles of my feet, that most painfulo image has struck me. I can almost feel it. And then about buying the clothes. You are reminding of how it still is actually, for me. It might be hard for some people to understand it but it really is a case of not feeling able to shop. Like there's no basis for making any decisions upon. The entire concept of going to choose something for ourselves that we need...it is so foreign in so many ways. So I just don't. It's not a fun thing for me to to. Not for a lack of money now. I just avoid it. I know very well what you mean there.

Segaya, I was actually surprised when you said what you did about the dog. Your words were so kind. I don't know what I expected you to say, well actually I didn;t really expect anything, but least of all what you said. This made me realise that I was totally identified with the exhausted dog. Then when you said what you did I suddenly saw another part of myself, and not only that, but it was like I stepped outside the tired dog and found another little girl. Remember I said that I had lost one? That at times I can sit with my child in the big empty but at other times I just can't find her, she's lost and I don't know where she hides? This kind of keeps happening. She's there and then gone.
Well, your comments flicked me into another space and I actually felt for the first time in my life a sense of anger at what had been done to the little girl. For so long in the past if I felt anger it was a frustrated helpless anger and I always felt like that but I couldn't seem to direct it anywhere in particular. It was there for a while, then gone too. But I've noticed since meeting you all and hearing and sharing, that I am chaning. Settling into myself in a way previously unknown. People tell me I am so very much calmer now, and I notice that I'm not angry in a general irritated way anymore. Then I do feel a more directed anger every now and again, and this is a good feeling for me. I'm pleased with this.

Lady Crown: boy, you really touched on some old stuff for me too. I can't believe it! My mother used to say the same thing about wanting a girl, but then, as with you, dressed me in boys clothes, treated me like a boy. She never bought me pink stuff as a llittle one, either and when I asked her about this years later she blamed me and said it was because I didn;t like pink!! Oh, right!

It is very hard for me to write this, and I hope this isn't too bad, (if you know which way I mean this) but the only thing she ever said about me about my body that was positive was "your hair is your crown and glory"....and look what she did. So I just love that you are Lady Crown. It is perfect.

Before she made me support myself she went through a phase of complaining she didn't have enough money to support me. I never looked at it this way until now, but I can see it was part of the wind up to justifying making me support myself. Anyhow, all the complaints about how hard it was. She said she didn't even have enough money to buy me underwear....(Do I feel a collective cringe as you are thinking, where is this going to go?)...well, anyway, she made this big thing of buying a roll of bright yellow, thick fleecy flannel, and she hand made me bloomers, big baggy things, without a pattern, and I had to wear these. What would it have cost, even to buy a pair of panties a week, in those days, maybe $2. What she'd spend at the coffee shop in a morning. So little to not even afford this? And did she do the same for my brother? No. No way! It was so humiliating. But what a good mother! Sewing for her child when she was so poor she couldn't even afford to buy her underwear?!

When I had my son, she did it agan. She asked me what I needed and I said some cot sheets. I should have known something was coming when she asked. She sent me some cot sheets all right. Two. But each sheet was made of three odd shaped off cuts of old, used, and thinned out adult sheets. Maybe they came from an second hand shop too - it wouldn't surprise me. There's no way she would have kept sheets that old and discoloured.

I have many thoughts about all your writings. The dolls. well, that's just so much. I just can't say anymore. There is so much to say I just don't have the emotional strength right now. But I will come back. Still in my mind I have images of things you have both said. Things sadly painful and familiar. Little girls...I just wish I had several days to sit with all that I am reading, feeling, experiencing, just to mull it over, wait for the tear to make it's way to the surface after the flood turned into a desert again.
I wish I could give you both a big hug. I feel that if I could put my arms around you, when I read what you write, then somehow it would all be easier to handle. I find it hard reading this and wanting to reach out and wrap my arms around you but just not being able to. There is so much I want to say but I will probably step back again for a few days. But my heart is always filled with thoughts about you, during my day dna during my night.
Love, Sapphira.

HAi,
Unbelievable!!!!!!!!!!
Just this morning I was talking with a friend about clothes and so on. I told her the following story;

I told a bit in a posting before I think so excuse me if I repeat myself!

When I was still in school we had a guardian from the child-supporting system. he had a daughter who was 1 year older then me. He and his wife were over 50 years old and very conservative in there behavior , speaking and dressing. The daughter was a lot more modern and had very nice clothes.
When this guardian asked if we would mind as he takes the clothes from his wife and daughter for us my mother said no,..we will like that.
I was looking out to the moment he would bring the clothes . It would mean I could finally wear something that was't dirty, worn off, or old, or plane ugly,and maybe.....just maybe... there would be something I really fit and I would like.....
The clothes came.
My mother hwant to sort it out on her own and I had to wait and see............
The next day the clothes ment for me were on a chair. She was dressed in a nic collered dress with linings of a nice shade of green.. It fitted well on the body and further down the dress it became wider..very nice indeed!
I felt a bit jalous but had good hopes for what was left for me.
She pointed me to the chair and the first thing i saw was a dirty kind of yellow ( I can't wear yellow!!) knitted skirt.... the skirt came under the knee..and with it was a coat that wear to the waist. The coat was closed with little knods coverd with the same fabric. This was a suit for a lady over her 50th's.
I had to wear it..To make sure I go to school in this hiddious thing she through away some (awful) trouses I used to wear saying; You have new clothes so now there is no use for these anymore.
Once she made a dress for me.... it could stand on it's own....Like it was made out of wood or stone...terrible and the same thing; Be happy because I sacreficed myself and went out of my way to make you this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Underwear O my God, underwear....
In those years girls started to wear those sets. bra and panties in the same fabric, same collor and same patterns.
You remeber the big knitted underwwear of our grandmothers?
I will not even write the whole thing. I am so sure you know exactly what I mean..and this indeed will give recognision again...

Sapphira I knew somehow you needed a break..And as Lady Crown did before and I felt resstless about it ( and I was correct about that!)..This time with you it brought me a smile on my face. I know...This is far from easy...This time is difficult as it was before, but in a different way..more possitive. It has to do with discovering who you are and all you feel... But I knew underneath it all..There is this knowing...
You are never alone anymore..We are here...Just when you need it.... All the time and everytime..No matter what, this connection is made and You and I and also Lady Crown know now that there is somebody out there reaching out to every one of us!
It is the same thing I wrote before. I never felt really alone,but that was on a spiritual level, in this world I was as alone as a person can be..but not anymore..and I will never be again. I know now that there are people who will tell my story if I can't anymore, I know now that there are people out there who now exactly what is done and what the demage was.

Oww and then what you say about the little girl in the empty space, now she is there, and then she is gone... Take it from me , she isn't gone..maybe she is hiding. Keep going there, maybe just sitting there and maybe speaking gentle words., singing a loving song.... telling a farytail...She knows you are there and it's possible she is testing if she can trust you to come back and be loyal to her.....Take it one step at the time...

I do also want to comfort you and hold you....We know in the material world this is not possible, but any other way does't hold us back, does it!!!!!!
Sapphira, if you feel all alone and need help, just call my name out in your mind and see what will happen...............Watch carefully
Again my dear friend, take your time, it's there for you to use.... This process will take time and it will happen for all of us!
Love Segaya

Dear Segaya!

I was lying in bed going over something I meant to say but left off my posting, so I got up to write to you and you are already here:) The thing you said was that you have been along this path and you know the getting out process. I meant to tell you that these words were a big comfort, and once I heard them I stopped straining and angsting and ahhh. I was feeling so scared and overwhelmed but to know someone is ahead of me along the way means there is a way and I am ok. Yes, it is hard - in a new way. I want to go so fast to get through it because I'm excited and yet it's like trawling for fish in the deepest sea - not something that can be done quickly.

Now you say there are people out there who will tell your story if you can't anymore. I'm trying to adjust to this sensation that it is like being just one story. When I feel for one of us I am feeling for all of us. This is so new and 'strange'. In a way I feel unsure of it too. And yes, she hides. It's easy for people to say 'trust yourself', but when there's never been anyone else that we learned trust from. When there's been so much happen that takes us against ourself, then it isn't just going to come automatically. But the times when 'it's not' fall after times when ' it is', I will bring myself back here to remember that it is just a journey.

I think too, as you say, there's this part about feeling and getting to know myself in this way. I do notice that my feelings tend to move a lot more eaily now. Logically I know this is a good thing but it does freak me out a bit, but I will get used to the overall balance. Ha! My ex husband was over the other day and I was just wandering round in this state. So distracted, so kind of lost, holding my head. He asked me what was wrong and when his questioned finally filtred in and it was that I couldn't understand what I was feeling, like I was literally walking around the house looking for the answer to what I was feeling! I can laugh at it now, a bit, and I know this is normal for most people, to a certain degree, but sometimes I can't quite keep up. Boy, this must seem so basic. But I just find it so hard!!! This is the shame, you know. And what lady crown was saying about going shopping. I have such a big block about buying clothes. I have a simple solution - I wear sarongs. And it's real easy. Working from home, teaching my son at home I don't have to go out in the mornings. I can buy these without having to use a fitting room. It amazes me just how resistant and how strongly I feel about this subject. I've had people go off at mne about why I don't wear such and such. I know it is odd. In the past there was no answer, it was just the way it had to be. Now I know why. It is a way of coping. And no matter what I must honour it. This is probably one of my biigest issues. And also one of my biggest shames because after all that has happened, I need to hide. That's just one way. Yes, I know without you saying more. It makes me cringe and shudder. It's one of those 'just will never get where they were coming from' moments. And how many of those were there?! There is a certain kind of damage done when one is constatntly hammered by situations, interactions, communications that just don't make any sense. How does one then really engage with the world? I wonder about you, given you are further down the track, do you feel like you live in two different worlds still, or has it changed? Do you feel more of one now?

Sapphira