Hi Pinky ladies, just wanted to say I marvel at the strength and support you are giving each other. I am on typing restiction due to an wrist ingury but wanted to let you all know how much I admire you all. I do read everyday so please excuse my silence.

Di

Thanks to you all for your nice responses. So far it's still "Silence Central" over here, no word or calls or messages. I guess I'm supposed to feel bad and come around. Still no invitation for Easter, Psychopath sister will probably start calling Thursday and tell me how she has been calling. Hasn't she ever heard of caller ID? Does she think I don't know how the phone works?

Jan, I sympathize with your migraines as well. I have a buckwheat pillow too, as well as drawers full of heat wraps, cold wraps, neck pillows; everything we could think of that would help. I'm impressed that you are able to post in the middle of that pain! It really hit me when you said caring for my mother without any reward. I never thought of it like that, but it is true. No respect, no consideration, no affection.

Thank you all for saying that you were proud of me for having enough resiliency to treat my mother decently despite the resentment and anger she feels towards me. It made me feel really touched and gave me a new insight into myself. I never see myself as anything special, but being on this board is starting to make me see that what I always thought of as normal isn't. I know normal is a subjective word, but I am thinking to myself, "Normal families don't treat each other this way, normal families don't let each other get injured or sick or helpless." They were the only yardstick I had growing up and as an adult, and now I'm thinking, "THEY ARE WRONG!" No matter how many excuses they make, people aren't supposed to live in what I can only call squalor, aren't supposed to suffer, aren't supposed to wait forever for a scrap of kindness or a bit of consideration. People don't talk to each other the way they talk to me, and expect to get away with it or have it be okay. It's a very weird feeling to think of a choice I have to make and visualize them, as if I were determining my best response, and suddenly starting to feel as if they are wrong and that's not the way I want to live or do things. It's like the breaking up of the idea that they have the right criteria, and realizing instead, feeling instead how distorted they actually are. I am literally seeing it and it's rather unsettling. It makes me wonder what else I'm not seeing.

Segaya, they do know all about the geneaology, but there aren't any secrets. They just treat that as my "little hobby". I tell my brother things I've found and tracked down and he says to me, "that's nice for you, but I'm not interested." It's more a matter of simply not wanting me to have anything, and the overwhelming resentment they feel towards me. My feelings are changing from wondering why they dislike me so much to "How dare you think you can talk to people like this!" And that is good that the feelings are changing like that. It doesn't help me much with the ensuing rage I feel, but it's better to feel a sense of outrage when you are hurt or denigrated. That response has been buried for years, if it even existed, and it's good that it's finally coming out.

They know that I need the paperwork and documents and pictures to verify the genealogical research, but they simply don't want me to have it. I'm not talking about secret files or peoples' private matters, just family pictures and Mass cards and the like. It's just too much trouble to give me a spool of thread or a moment's time. They have no idea, due to their blind selfishness, how enraged I am. If they knew, they would be both defensive and shocked. Of course, I would still be the wrong one, but right now they are seething because I am not calling or bringing gifts over. I never thought about getting any reward; I just always wondered why nothing I did was ever right. It was a terrible thing to grow up feeling unwanted and nothing more than an annoyance.

Segaya, my pinky friend, I was glad to hear that you were enjoying the CO! It is great, isn't it? I'm going to try the techniques you wrote about, and hopefully it will help. I had a terrible nightmare last night about my mother and Psychopath sister, and Lord Crown had to wake me up, it was so bad. I'm looking forward hopefully to a peaceful Easter, where he and I will go to the cemetery (it's my father's anniversary), put palm on the graves, and maybe do a little research on the geneaology. Then dinner and a movie! Even if I had wanted to go to my Psychopath sister's, which I don't, after this fracas, I wouldn't do it. There is no way I can have someone talk to me the way they did, and then sit down to dinner with them as if it never happened. That just makes me invisible.

I probably haven't talked about this much before, but being invisible is what I call what was done to me. Aside from the abuse and the blows and the being stripped of everything like beds and clothes and a room, etc., one of the worst and most destructive things was making me invisible. Everytime they dismissed me or took my things or told me to wait for something, or do without something, they pushed me further and further into the shadows, until I didn't even appear anymore. When I had nothing to say in a decision, or preferences, or opinions, and everytime I opened my mouth, or appeared in a room, or asked for something, I was driven away and pushed out and told to be quiet. So I stopped talking, stopped asking, stopped expecting anything normal, like a ride to the store, or a bed, or some clothes. And I just became more and more invisible. And if I went to this dinner, it would be like saying it's okay. And it just can't be. I know they are going to get even angrier (if that's possible), plus Psychopath sister is going to come raging in, because she isn't getting her little Dickens fantasy, but I don't care. I have to care about me (and Lord Crown, who I'm not putting through that), and caring about me right now means I'm far from invisible and I will not go along with the battery to make me so.

Thank you all again for your support and kind thoughts. I do hope I am doing better when I first started to post, and I know this board is bringing all things to light for me, through reading other people's travails and what they feel and think. Your experiences and ways of handling it wake things up in my mind, and usher me closer to a healthy response and choice when I need it. It's a new way of seeing the world for me and I can't thank you all enough. If you ever wonder if you make a difference, let me tell you: here is at least one person whose life you are changing, helping to bring me out of hell, and closer to the "broad sunlit uplands".

I will post again soon. Pink girly hugs, and love to you all, Lady Crown

My dear pinky girlfiend.
LADY CROWN!!!

You are growing with every message you write!!!
I think I am saying that the wrong way so I try again..
In every post you give I see how you are changing..For the better I think... this seems like there is a door that has opened and on the other side is a big mirror.This time the mirror isn't the one 'they' gave you..the one that is like a laughing mirror, ( is this the right term for a mirror that distorts you?)
The vail is lifted up and you see the real you, like a blind person who is seeing everything more clear all the time...My heart jumped up reading you posting!!!
Rarely you met persons with a name that suits them so well as yours does you!!!
LADY CROWN....each day that passes you fit the crown better and it looks wonderful on you...
Never forget you are indeed LADY CROWN.
People have to treat you like a lady. They have to be polite, and care for you because you are the Queen of Hearts!!!
If you forget or don't know how it would be done 'normaly' than maybe this will help;...( it does for me)
Picture on of us you met on this forum in a situation like you live through all the time..What if people treated us that way? What do you feel while making that picture in your head....And how should we be treated.....
The same thing goes for you. If I read the things you write it makes me furious.... How dair people do like this to somebody who is helping, caring,cleaning and so on.....

whawha I am a person who is right to the point and the flame in me is burning, certainly when something is unfair!!!I learned to let go if I can't change anything about it and try to be creative in what I can do....


I am so proud of you...I can't tell...

The way you distinguish between one situation and an other is great!
Your decision to keep on helping your mother is something only a person with the right heart can and will do. You undergo all kinds of insults that way and are capable of being who you are and not let the situation rule your decisions about how people in need should be treated!
It's a totaly different situation to spent your holyday with them. There is no reason to let them have that change. You see your mother every week I understand, you help her with everyhting and more... And there are so many ways to celebrate eastern.... There is truely no need to let people ruin your days and that of your lord....
I loved it when you told about what your plans are for the eastern weekend...it's sounds so very nice and peacefull.......

This thing with that photoalbum ....They indeed just know it is importend to you....and this way they can get to you...ppfff Indeed as I wrote last time..the thing I did was just hide feelings and so on to protect myself...
May I ask; Is there a special reason for you why you want to do this genealogy?
Does it has something to do with the feeling of being invisible?

Yes that feeling...how familiar again.
I do think the being shy has everything to do with this wish for being invisible..Wish? Yeah wish... not from birth on probably, but live is so cruel sometimes that if we would have been invisible it would have been so much easier....just get so small people don't notice anymore that you are around. So they can't ignore anymore, you don't need food so they can't take it from you anymore... they can't abuse you in anyway anymore....you don't need things anymore so they can't withhold anything no more......

The wish of being invisible isn't normal..like our lives weren't. They treated me like that indeed... Like i didn't even excist. If there was food and she cooked...rarely as i told before... they just didn't warn me to come and eat.... They called me for cleaning up afterwards when all the food was gone or I enter the room and they gave it to the dogs right in front of me....
This hurt me a lot and gave me the idear, the wish to be invisible..not excisting,not needy of anything.
It took me ages before i realized I have rights...I was in title to eat and cloths and things,
For years i didn't have socks. People pointed this out to me...it's to cold, you have to wear them!...and I thought ; yes I have to..my feet were purple because of the cold weather.. and I forget all about it agian.. Never thinking of it even until an other person told me the same thing.
This went on for years.
Just, I think, three years ago I bought me some socks..High ones, upto the knees, nice and warm....and I still don't wear them. I am not used to taking care of my fysical self. I simply forget to put them on. Even when my house is cold or the house is warm and I am feeling the cold, I completely forget the socks and go to bed with ice instead of feet under my legs.

This is clearly the result of being invisible..like a lot of things and situations make us clear they are. it's up to us to make an end to this.

We ARE...BE as Sapphira would put it!!!

I am happy you put a stop to them making you invisible..Like I said before; Somebody can't do anything to you if you don't let them..this goes also for the subject of making us invisible..they only can succeed if we go along with it! So; GO GIRLLLLLL.....

http://www.barbiecollector.com/showcase/product.aspx?id=125005&t=modern
This one is for you!!!

And Sapphira I found this one for you;
http://www.barbiecollector.com/shop/product.aspx?product_id=61442&shelfid=150152

Thank you for being there!
Love,hugs and all goods
Segaya

Dear Dianne...
You are nauty!!!You are not to write at all.... whahwha
Ooohhh you are a woman indeed! If you decide to write..then you write.... But...please be careful oke and look after yourself for we can't do that for you!!!!
I do think we all know that you are watching the forum closely..we don't expect it any different!W eknow also you care and we care for you too....

I send you this one... she takes care of you while we can't..... and she has a little uplifted warning index- finger if you are nauty the next time!!!

http://www.barbiecollector.com/showcase/product.aspx?id=1003629&t=modern

Get well soon ,love Segaya

Hello there. I'm not sure where to start but I had to bring myself back. I'm so glad for you Lady Crown. Really am. Your strength is so obviously growing. I understand so much what you are saying about being invisible and the depression and finally the relief, almost, to feel some outrage at it all. I want to say more but I can't right now. Things are tough. Thank you Segaya for the sapphire doll! I know I need to come back.
Sapphira

Dear Sapphira,
How sad you feel so distance.....is there anything we can do to help you, say something? Ask something?
No matter how dark things may seem, there is always us....and the way back to life!
Blesses be dear friend
Segaya

Dear Segaya,

Thank you. I knew just making contact would be what it would take. Thank you!

I was doing just fine, really, then I had a nightmare about my son and I fell into a terrible depression. The nightmare was so starkly simple and clear in a way I was totally unable to come to grips with it. It reminded me, emotionally, of things I'd never wanted to deal with. Or perhaps it would be more ture to say I wanted desperately to deal with them, but didn;t believe I ever could or would. I've been watching the posts and feeling, as we all have, so pleased and proud of Lady Crown. Silently cheering her on but unable to get any closer than that.

Some history: my mother was walking along the street one day and when she saw my father "knew" that he would be the father of her children. Three days later they were engaged. Three months later they married. I was born and she became pregnant with my brother straight after, then left my father and returned to live with my grandparents.

My grandparents lived on a farm and my grandfather was renowned for being a very violent and sadistic man. I was hitch-hiking near the area when I was 25 and he was long dead, and an old guy picked me up and asked about my family and where I was from. When I mentioned my mother, he immedaitely new her and also my grandfather. You know that certain kind of eerie quiet that comes over people get when they have encountered these types? Well, it was like that. My aunt and uncles had the same thing. After he died they never spoke of him. And after 50 years since he had known him, that old man still remembered him with that same particular reaction.

Anyway, we lived with my grandparents. He referred to me as "the favourite" and to my brother as "the bastard". When I was 6 he raped me in the bedroom I shared with my brother. He smothered me with a pillow and nearly killed me. In the morning my grandmother wound up the sheets and put me into the spare bed in my mother's room. Nothing was said, but her manner was so cold that I was sick with shame and thinking I had done something so terrible. My mother spent the next two days in bed and I lay watching her back that never once turned round to me. Years later when I told her what had happened with my grandfather she said coolly, and quite matter of factly, Well, that wouldn't surprise me, we all knew he was a bastard". Nothing more, nothing less. And he wasn't the last man she wouldn't protect me from.

We eventually moved away from my grandparents, but I remember when I was 8 or 9 visiting with my mother. About 2 in the afternoon she announced she'd run me a bath - a shallow, token bath. Anyway, she told me to get in and not to let my grandfather in, then she returned outside to where my grandmother was down the section doing the garden. Of course, no lock on the door and two mintues later who walked in. What a surprise! Am I paranoid or was that a setup?

When I was 11 my grandfather gave me a book by a Dr Moody about near death experiences. He said, "Have a look at that and tell me if any are like your own". And you know, he was really, genuinely, totally curious to know!! No big deal, just matter of factly, wanted to know. Yes, ours was a very "special" bond.

So this is all what came up, when I had this terrible dream about my son. It was about not being able to fight back. About having to squash every inch of the considerable instinct to destroy this man, and fight for my life because if I struggled any more, he would have completely killed me. On the deepest level it was a confrontation with a terrible knowing that in that man was such a cold, hard, unmoveableness that would not spare me anything. He was cold death. Cold, hard as rock, and incredibly powerful to my small being, both physically and psychically. I had to let a certain part of me die - or so I thought - to preseve my life. This is the core of the massive depression that has swamped me all my life and in the last few days hit me like a hammer. Normal frames of understanding could not accomodate these experiences for me so it has had to wait in some limbo space. And this distance you mention. Well, you know how I said there is a part of me in the BE that I just can't find. Sometimes she's about then other times I have no idea where she's gone. Well, I think this was her. And even though she is very distant, shes actually stepped back into the picture. On the edge of the frame and so in this way distant, but in the big scheme of things, she's a whole lot closer. Isn't that great!

I could never talk about what happened with my grandfather, apart from saying that he raped me when I was 6. But just saying that doesn't and never has changed anything for me. Not that I said it very much. But there just wasn't anything more I could say to bring it closer in myself in anyway. Because it was the feeling that I couldn't find a way to communicate or explain in words. It wasn't so much what happened as that particular feeling or confrontation with that aspect of that person when they do what they do that was/is the greatest shock. What was physcial pain compared with this - a pain that has to do with facing realities one is too young or too SANE to comprehend. With great care I ask, how could I express what this has really meant to me to people who do not understand the cold hard immoveable face of this type of psyche? No comment on the willingness of people so wanting to help. I just couldn't take up their offers and this was another shame on the shame. But now I am understanding and forgiving and learning. It has only been in seeing my mother, and acknowledging what has gone on with her and having an insight into her on that level that this has been able to even approach the light. Now I know what I am saying is going to be recognised. I know this, deeply and wholely. This is the Gracia. I can say and now I can put these things in their place. This has been my biggest chain and I know that underneath is a rage so immense. And if I could connect with it, things would start to move again, the depression will lift. I was never able to bring it close enough or make any sense of the perceptions of my grandfather that I had experienced. He was a very remote and cold and intimidating person that everyone avoided. My mother was always vying for power with him and as he got older she completely became head of the family. He died when I was 15. Opening the door on my mother and understanding so much of what I do now about her sometimes incomprehensible behaviour has made it possible to put a frame and a place around my grandfather's behaviour now also. This is all very freeing, instead of being something so unpseakable that has me in a prison of silence. I can feel the earth shaking. And I'll get there.

So this is where I have been. Thank you for listening. For being there and for being patient with the pauses! Thank you for helping BE.
Love and love,
Sapphira

Dear Brave Sapphira,
First off all; indeed thank you for being so very, very brave...It is quit hard for a person when something like this happend to put it into word and post it!!!

My heart broke when I read it...It brings back so many memories. It doesn't bring me back to all those years, but I can relate so very well..This little girl needed so much more and was intittled to so much more than what you got!
The pain you felt in you soul was immens. And it hit you hard when it came back after the nightmare....
I believe indeed you were expecting it for a long time. but you never know when it comes back to you....
You know something?
It won't come back in your system or thoughts or dreams if you aren't strong enough. believe me , because knowing this will give you a lot of strenght if this should ever happen again.

It is so hard to immagine isn't it...Was this or that situation a setup?...Did they really do this on purpose?..did they thought it through at forhand??? Did they make an apointment even for it to happen? Was this the reason you had to go and visit the grandparents???

I think you do know the answer..I know my dear, it is so hard to realize...But what if I had told you this story and asked you this question? What would your answer to me have been?
This is the hard thing isn't it..To admit to ourselves that indeed it happend, we didn't imagine anything, no matter how many times 'they' would tell us we did make it up. or that it wasn't importend....
We don''t dramatize things because we don't have to. Things and situations we lived through are bad enough, no need to make it any bigger or worse than it already was.

if somebody would deny it in our faces we would fight back, say things back, defend ourselves. But to admit it to ourselves, deep within, is so very hard.
isn't it wonderful though that with all that happend and all the brainwashing they put us through the person within is still knowing it was so very wrong..They didn't reach us , not realy!!!
If we would really thought all this is normal and happening to everybody than we wouldn't have to struggle so much, wouldn't have to fight so hard to get our lives back....to become who we really are...not what they wanted us to be.
You wrote;

and incredibly powerful to my small being, both physically and psychically. I had to let a certain part of me die - or so I thought - to preseve my life

The beautifull thing is..He wasn't stronger then you are/were..Yes ofcourse you where so very small...physically he certainly was...ofcourse, he was a full grown man, but never psychologically nor emotionally. You where the stronger one.
If a 6 year old child knows the terrible experience it has to go throught because of a grownup is wrong , this child is so very strong. If then this child is to grow up to be a wonderfull person who is caring and loving and sharing then this person who was once that small child is incredablly strong and powerfull.

Working throughout the years with ex -sexual abuse victims I have learned a lot about the survival techniques that have used.
The most used technique that most victims used to survive the actual rapes and other forms of abuse is to act like they are asleep or play dead..( no play there, but I don't know how to put it in engish the right way, sorry)it gave them a change to distance themselves from what was happening. An other thing is that with this 'playing dead' is to put everthing to the situation not to get it worse.
And you know what; doing so was the perfect thing to do!!...It made true you are still here, made you survive...As you said, and I agree reading the things you write ,he would have killed you! This book he gave you proves it evenmore so.
I understand they lived in a rural invironment? if not physical than in the way there was not very much contact with other people. So no help there.. You where completely alone and you survived in spite of all that has been done to you.

Last week a saw a program on television that gave me a new insight.....
It was a program about people who have been tortured. They were adults when this happend and many of them end up in psychiatry. In straightjackeds and all. The professionals had to inject them to get them to handle these victim of torture....They went completely crazy.
They also showed people who were thoroughly questioned by the police. These people commited to crimes they were never involved in!!

I was stunned seeing this...Oke , I admit...it was bad.
But..it wasn't as bad as I went through as a young girl..it wasn't far as bad as what Lady Crown writes about and it didn't compare with what you are telling....

And look at us!!!!!
We didn't only survived it, we are strong enough to get our lives straight, we don't settle for half a job, we go all the way!!!!
This is so powerfull...And me stupid;..never thought about it this way. The things you and Lady Crown are telling, made me see it!!!!

it is hard, very hard to wrap our heades around the things that did happen. Mayby..we mustn't try..If we would understand..what would this mean? What would it say about whom we are???
Yes we do have to remember what happend. Yes we have to look at what it did to us. what has contribute in making us into the person we are now. We have to take the pain and everything that comes with the momories...But understanding them??? No . i don't think it will ever make sense to us. And that is a good thing..very good indeed.It simply means we are different..we never will make those mistakes do these crimes to anybody...

Agian Sapphira; You are so very brave to put this into words and sentences, you have posted it..and shared it with us..thank you for that, it gives me a lot to think of again.

Can I give a little advise?
If some feeling comes back to you, then please don't push it away...feed it instead!
Give it form.. I don't know how to put it in english but what I mean is the same thing i told to Sally, just before I wrote this to you.... No matter what way; but put energy to it. As long as it is within you it only hurts and poison you more.It has to get out of your system. To do so you can put things in an action. No matter how small or big it will be.

Saying things out loud forinstands is a very powerfull way....Even spoken out loud in a empty space has that power, it doesn't have to be heard by anybody.We have an undertanding haven't we; In this understanding I say; Look at even the bible the first alinea of the first book; it says that al power is in words.... it is indeed a way to turn energy around. It will get out in the world and leave you instade of keeping you in its grip.
writing, drawing, and all other creative things you can think of to get it out of you will give you so much strenght. if you have a garden, than work in it at such moments, this will get you grounded and firm and will give you new energy to go on. I don't mean you have to work really, I mean get your hands dirty even if this is for a few moment's because you can have a lack of energy. Working in the garden is too much of it then.

I do think you know what I mean. If not please say so, because I will indeed explain more if you want me to.
My dear, lovely,pinky Sapphira; Blessed be!!!!
Segaya

Dear Segaya,

I don't feel that I'm brave - just that I know that I will be truely heard. Like a channel cut in front of me, it is easy for the water to run on. I have found this here. I cannot say how critical it has been for me to find you and this site and how deeply grateful I am for this. Thank you so much for your support. After so long being blocked it is quite something to feel it flow. And once it starts it seems to get a whole lot worse as more comes up for clearing. Thankfully I know this otherwise it would really have been too much. But clearly it was my time. And thankfully, my experience with him really was the bottom of the barrel.

Yes, as you say, I knew. Over the past few days I was shaking with a knowing of what I felt was coming. I was in such a state I couldn't go out the front door except late at night to sit in the dark and the cool. Binging, all sorts. As you say, it was coming to a crunch point.

You are also right about trying to wrap our heads around it. I never could and there was a qualitative difference between what he did and others did later on. But as I go over my experiences up close with psychopathy I am finally able to recognise it and understand that as a little girl I had to face it then too. Learning as I am helps me understand it for myself in retrospect, and finally I can put some sense to what was. It seems just a natural process to share this here because where else can I and be so understood and treated so respectfully? It feels actually rather intimate and private - or at least that's how I'm determined to see it because I want to communicate with you. Yes, as you say, we are different. I think Lady Crown said that it's like being in two worlds. I need to remember this, though, because I still have an expectation that suddenly I'm just going to click and fit in and be not so disimilar. It's still early days and one minute I know how and why I fit here, then other days I feel so far away. But that will pass, I'm sure.

The one thing I needed to do was to get that intense terrifying sense that I experienced from him, into some perspective so that it didn't dominate me as it had. You know, I remember reading something Carl Jung said and it was basically to the effect: If a problem is too big for us, we must grow ourselves bigger than it. This is, for me, the gift that coming to understand what 'psychopathy' refers to has been. It's allowed me to grow my understanding and myself out of box after box. I feel so calm now. As you say, there may be more feeling to come. But mentally I can deal with it now because I know just what I am dealing with. I'd never been able to place my grandfather, but now he's in his box! Sometimes I still ask myself - a psychopath, are you SURE that's right? Then I remind myself of all that has changed in me since I was told this and how can I argue? But it's funny, I still have to go through this. But coming to terms with it in my mother I have a way to make sense of what I met in him. I will try what you say about speaking aloud into a room. I know what you are talking about, in terms of the potency. I do know what you mean about earthing and moving the energy through. I have had a lot of pain over the years in my throat, choked back tears, secrets not spoken. So this is very appropriate.

Thank you for letting me say what I needed to say. Thank you for so understanding. Thank you for your patience. It is wonderful to see others move along their journeys and pathways and ups and downs too. In this there is strength and inspiration. One day I hope to be in a strong clear place where I will be able to give to others as you have given so dearly to me.

Love...Blessed BE:)
Sapphira

Dear Sapphira,

First of all, thank you so much for honoring us with your confidences about what happened to you. I don't even know where to start with what I feel...you are so brave, and your bravery is going to carry you through. Feeling the earth shaking? That is YOU coming to the surface and becoming more whole...breaking through the prison of silence and suffering.

You need to be extra-special good to yourself during these days while it's coming up for you. Segaya had some great ideas...treat yourself to something you like, and stay employed in some activity for yourself.

I understand about what you said about letting a part of you die...but it isn't a real death, it's only the death of feelings that are too terrible to allow yourself to have. You had to give something up in order to live, and you succeeded. I know sometimes it doesn't feel like it was worth it, but that's part of the self-deception, like the shame. What could you do as a little child? We feel shame when people who are supposed to protect us turn their backs on us, because our infant minds cannot understand that they can do that. It's the only emotion children are left with because they have to rationalize it some way.

I was raped in my twenties, and I too just...stopped. The moment that I realized the threat, mentally I just shut down and went away somewhere. I didn't fight back, I didn't scream for help, I was just gone. When I think about it, I don't remember the pain so much as the blankness that flooded through me, the complete lack of feeling anything. Even when I had to go to the health services two days later, because I wouldn't stop bleeding, I was feeling nothing. Although this cannot ever compare to the horror you were subjected to, I understand your feelings. I truly believe that it happens because we cannot acknowledge that we are helpless, yet on some basic level, we do. Then the survival instinct takes over automatically, and you do what your inner self tells you to do to survive. It sounds and feels like self-betrayal, but it truly isn't, believe me, dear. It's the best part of yourself, wanting yourself to continue and live. It's an act of loving yourself, that is built into you by nature.

I know I shouldn't say this, and it's not for me to say, but I swear if I could I would go to that monster's grave and throw salt on it. I wish I could say I can't imagine the cruelty of showing you that book, but I can. Somehow these people are lacking even enough of a humanity to feel a sense of regret or remorse, but instead dote on bringing it up. I don't know if they do it because they actually see nothing wrong or if they like to see your reaction. I think it was very intuitive of you to see the difference between what physically happened and the aspect of "that person when they do what they do". That's amazing that even though you were so little, you are able to tap into that connection with your younger self and what you were feeling. That is really admirable!

I know it's a terrible time to go through when things like this come up, but it will pass and become less horrific. And after the intensity lessens, as it will, you will have integrated another part of yourself. In reality, he is dead. You're not. He had a reputation with strangers of being evil. You don't. You have friends on this board and people who think of you with affection and concern. You are still our dear Sapphira, and we are here for you.

Take as much time as you need to post, and don't worry about it. Pinky hugs and girly wishes, honey. Love, Lady Crown.