Hello Damaskrose

That is an extremely difficult question to answer. I am very concerned that you are asking it. Are you asking because you think your daughter could be capable of doing this? I sincerely hope not and that it is just a general question and you can put thoughts like that out of your mind. Psychopathy is a specrum disorder and each person will have different actions and reactions.
I think it's better if you just concentrate on looking after yourself emotionally, keep well away from her and as I've said before do not let her get hold of any information/ammunition to use against you.
We have instincts for a reason and you may need to use his skill rather than rely on logic.

Has your daughter got a history of cruelty to animals or small children?

I know it's wise to have awareness of possibilities but don't let thoughts like this distract you from what is actually there.

Regards
Jan

Hi again Pinky Ladies,

I'm back from my holiday a week now and finally checking in. I wonder how you all are. I thought of you all lots while I was away. Segaya, I hope your health is going from strength to strength. And Jan, did you have to go to court in the end? Wondering about Lady Crown...any news? I have a little something I came across that I hope may be of benefit for you Lady Crown. It was for me. I'd like to share this with you next time.

I had a very special time with my son. It was so relaxing and a real chance to just let go for a while. I stayed on longer than planned because when it was time to come home I literally couldn't bring myself to get back on the plane. Finally stopping after so many years of running on was a shock to my system and when I did I couldn't get going again. A lot of feelings I hadn't had time to deal with caught up with me and I had to do some unexpecting processing. But it's all good. Now back to the old and familiar but I realise the years of stress and trauma have taken their toll and I need to make some changes...or should I say more changes. It is such an ongoing process.But I am so glad I went away. I even managed to go shopping (for myself) and buy some new clothes. Ok, so they are all the one colour - but hey, at least it's progress...and they aren't all black.

Any way, it's good to be back and I'm looking forward to hearing how you all are doing.

Love,
Sapphira

Hi Sapphira

I'm so pleased to hear from you and how much you enjoyed your holiday. You deserved it and it must have been great to have that time for just you and your son. I have also bought some new clothes....and not all black!!! I think we must be doing some telepathic shopping. I bought a pink top but still looking for a chance to wear it.

I often wonder about Lady Crown and think about how she is coping but I do feel more comfortable knowing she has such a brilliant, supportive husband. So Lady Crown if you are reading we all still think about you and I still think about the day your troops were with you.

Yes-I did go to court and thanks to Segaya I coped far better than I could have imagined. I got to the court early and practiced her techniques and would advise everyone to check them out on the forum. I found the right one for the week before I went to court was 'the old tree' and when I was called in I felt there was nothing I could have done better.
I won't bore you with the details but I represented myself and did better than the solicitor opposing me!!! YES! I achieved more than I could have hoped for and all because I felt in charge. From now on I'm not worried about any of this legal farce.

A turning point and I'm going to build on it, sounds like the same for you too. I find it hard to come home and go back to where to where I left off as things have moved on and I have lost the bookmark for the page I was on.

When you feel up to it I'd love to hear all about your holiday and how it will help you move on. I'm glad you are 'back'.

Regards
jan

hai Sapphira,
So glad you are back.
I went to hospital today. Everything is oke but I am exhausted, so will write some more very soon.
My heart jumped when I saw you write something. I am worried about Lady Crown but I think we have to be patient and just wait till she shows again.
Love Segaya

Hi Jan,

That's great news - to hear you did so well in court. You must be feeling really proud of yourself, and deservedly so. Well done! Such a big leap: from being reluctant, even somewhat fearful of even having to face up, to then meeting the challenge and doing really well. Watch out Mr Incredible!! Or should I say Erin Brokovich. I wonder what you will do next? Because these kinds of leaps are rarely one offs.

It was funny reading what you said about loosing the bookmark. I relate totally. It's as though I've jumped off the old page and am on the new page already but keep looking back for the old bookmark to tell me where I was. And of course I'm changing but no one else is. Or at least not so fast. I have to keep telling myself I'm already here and deal with the anxiety that arises about when the rug is going to be pulled out from under me. Old fears die hard.

Yes, the holiday certainly was a turning point. Just before I went away I had another health scare, and since being back it's reared it's head again. It was ironic that Segaya asked if I really was doing so well, because on one level I was, mentally, but physically my body was falling apart. No secrets with Segaya!:) We are so accustomed to living in a war zone that we take so much in our stride. But there comes a time when the system catches up and says, "Not so fast". I think this was the big adjustment for me. I could see how tough and almost invincible I believed myself to be, but really I'm not. No one is. Everyone tells me I'm such a fighter. But I'm tired of fighting, and also I physically can't do it anymore. So the time has come for me to take some of my fingers out of some of the pies and refocus.

Along with that comes the old fears and anxieties but now I understand them. Growing up with such constant threat it is hard to really believe one is ever truly safe. And this type of vigilance, even when it is hidden behind competence or achievement or drive, still takes it's toll. On an inner level it's hard to ever really relax. So I need to learn to do this - to just rest. To just go slower, and to trust that life isn't going to suddenly take it all away from me. Part of it is about revisioning myself. It's great to be able to have that warrior aspect but I hope she has fought enough and secured a new inner landscape for myself. And you know I'm a determind person, so...yes, things aren't where they were but settling into a new groove - slowly.

Sapphira

Hi Segaya,

So nice to hear from you too! I do hope that you were just back for checkup today. You say you are ok so that's good. I'm fine too. Feel like such a different person after the break, and yet still the same. Have a big day with my son about schooling so I will write more later on, but I just wanted to say a quick hello.

Love Sapphira

hai Sapphira,

O how I recongnize it again.
We are so used to be in a warzone..... Indeed, I see it in my own life over and over again.
it is sometimes in every corner that we expect an enemy. And then you discover that there are only enemies in your own head now. Just because we are so use to fighting and so very tired of it at the same time.
Yesterday there was a woman in hospital ,she threatned me real bad. Yelled at me for absolutely nothing..I try to calm her by explaining things and then she started to threaten me that she wouldn't do the test I came for... I exploded, really and badly exploded..... wasn't this angry since my oldest son was around 8 or 9 years old. That is 17 years ago.....I am ashamed of it on one hand but the other site of it is...I am no longer a victim and the first person who tries to make me one, will know immidiatally.
I regret that life gives us situations in which we are in a position again where people seem to want power over us and it is a pitty isn't it that over and over again we have to 'proof 'something'.
Yeah, ofcourse we are strong. we have to, but being strong doesn't mean at all that we don't feel. People around tend to forget that being strong is a part of us and for whatever reason we hide our vulnerability also. Is that shame, or just being us??? I sometimes think I know the answer and then again I don't.
It's an on going process and as the old feelings are still there we will learn in time that there is no need for them any longer. Till we can relax in the moment it will bother us...But when knowing and give it the right place in our lives we will out grow it and a bit later we will not even think of it anymore....can you immagine that!!!.
what I learned from the situation in hospital is that whenever, and who ever tries to threaten me is not hay afterwards. I know how to defent myself and oke, I have to do it a bit ore in control the next time...But I am learning still.

I am sorry that your physical healt is not good and that it comes back all the time. I hope you know what is wrong and what to do about it. I didn't know for sure that you were not feeling well. it is just that I know the process, we lived almost the same life so it is not hard to tell is it...I just look in the mirror!!!
So glad you are back and waiting for our other friends! ( Lay Crown and Di)
Segaya

Dear Segaya,

It really is nice to speak with you again. I had a little chuckle to myself when you mentioned having to prove ourselves all the time. Yes, so true. It makes me think about when I discovered philosophy and Camus' "fight, fight, fight". The existential rawness. And this is where we have grown ourselves - on these kinds of borders. Everything was a fight for existence. Our brain pathways were etched in the fight. The last couple of years I keep telling myself "the war is over" but within my body and the depths of myself there is only one way to be. What can we hope for other than gradual adjustments over time. Don't you feel sad though sometimes? I do. I just wish I could be a bit more open with people but it's just so automatic and even when I wish to be open I just can't, on that deep level, I mean. I asked myself whether I'm not open because my instinct is picking upon something, in which case its good. But I've got to the point where I do wonder whether I ever really can be open in that way. Perhaps it's about getting to a point of trusting someone. And I could only really trust someone who really knows. But I just wonder whether my entire capacity to ever trust is gone. Perhaps it is. And perhaps I know this and it's this that brings the sadness. The price of surviving, no?

And I know exactly what you mean about being so determind not allow ourselves to be victimised again. No compromising on that - good job!! I was thinking about another post I was reading and it made me realise that when really dealing with these types it's either sink or swim. No middle ground. It's like that split second when an escape route presents itself, one just runs. And I think this has also determind our way to a large degree. No excuses. No room for grey areas. Split second reaction times. The real deal eliminates a lot of 'fuzz'. So we become straight talkers and fierce fighters. Not everyone can deal with that. Maybe we do give more force than perhaps 'necessary', but we were cut from a very particular piece of cloth. And there aren't many people who will come up to us and pat us on the back and tell us what a great job we did to get through. Our type of survival doesn't get a lot of applause. But it was these skills that got us through. That bottom line refusal to be a victim that got us through. So no excuses, and no tolerance. And doesn't it get tiring that we still have to keep fighting? Is that possibly what some of the anger was about, underneath it all? That after everything we STILL have to fight - for basic respect and dignity? As you say, it really is tiring.

And as you say, it is a learning. Honestly, I can't trust 'it' yet. I feel really quite suspicious of it. But I recognise the process. I still feel a simmering something saying to life, go on, I dare you to pull the rug out. I know that there is a sense that if something did happen I sure as heck wouldn't be able to contain it. And in some ways it would be a relief that it came out. I know what you mean about the shame and that. There's always that but in the bigger picture it seems to me part of the process. And given what we have been through, we've done amazingly well. I mean a lot of people would have turned violent or criminal or all sorts with less. We have carried this a long way for a long time and I think we have a remarkable degree of self control. Everyone blows it now and then. And even though we work really hard the pressures are still there. We will learn because we are of the kind to do so. No doubt. And it always amazes me - we still take double the responsibiity while they take none. So no question we are always working on ourselves and I guess there is always room for moreself control, but I just want to say, from a knowing point of view, that given all you have known yourself that I think you have incredible self control! Maybe this was more part of a coming to terms with it on yet another level now. Do you think? Just a part of another round?

You asked if I can imagine getting to the point of not thinking about it? In a way I kind of can, but I think we grew a second set of ears so when one set is happy and relaxed and alseep the second set will always be awake. So yes I can imagine the one set relaxing but no I can't ever imagine the other closing down. And knowing what's out there in life, I don;tknow if I actually would want them to. But I know what you mean, just relaxing some more, enough to actually rest. That would be nice. Just resting. And I'm sure we will get there. With time.

Sapphira

hi jan I guess on some level I must be worrying about how far the whole game will go. I have been watching too many documentaries on the discovery channel maybe. But my gut feeling is having seen the extent of planning and time that has gone in to my daughter trying to get 'revenge' I can't say how far she would go. [She did harm younger children and showed no empathy for animals at all]. Voicing my fears makes me sound crazy I guess. I don't have any evidence only my feelings. Believe me I am staying as far as possible away and focusing on my mental and physical health and actually we are moving in summer. Hopefully this will mean a better way forward for both of us. I think the small community we move within creates numerous ways for my daughter to game play and so I am using this as an opportunity to do something I always wanted to do which is live in the countryside. Take the opportunities when they present I say..... and the children will have a healthier life. Though daresay we will find it too quiet to begin with. If I am right it will also force my daughter to focus on something or someone else and if she wanted to continue making trouble it would be difficult for her as we would be many miles away. All of the avenues where she was getting information have been cut and it has gone very quiet. Thanks for taking time to answer my posts when you have problems of your own. I just don't talk about this to people and it helps to read the posts back. I guess it is a form of documentation as well also I have to parent the other children and so it helps to try and figure out where things went wrong before and be a better mum.

Hello Damaskrose

The first thing I would like you to believe is that you didn't do anything wrong and there's nothing wrong with your parenting skills. Children like your daughter cannot be parented as you would a normal child, it is universally known that it's impossible with personality disordered children.

We have insticts for a reason so maybe you should listen to yours, you don't have to predict an outcome-that will be out of your hands -but forewarned is forearmed.

I'm pleased to hear you are making a move to the country, I live in a village and would never want to live in a town, the slower pace of life makes me feel more relaxed than I would if I lived in a large town. I hope you will find this too with the advantage of knowing that your daughter has been left behind.

No need to thank me for replying to your posts, if I can use the experience I went through to help someone else then it will not be a wasted experience. It also helps take my mind off my current problems that I can do little about so maybe I should be saying thank you to the members for helping me too.

I'm looking forward to hearing more about your move forward so please keep letting us know how you are getting on.

Regards
Jan