Dear Lady Crown.
So, so very happy we hear from you again. Long time no see, but with good reasons!!!!
Reading all about your progression made my heart grow so proud!! ihihih this is the way!!!
Talking in front of so many people...How in the world did you do it!!!! And without being prepaired..that is being brave on the highest level!!!
Don't tell me now i am performing with a band and singing before people because that is much easier and I know way ahead and can prepair.I am not alone for the band is with me and i just close my emotions, can hide behind other persons words of the lyrics..so no way it is the same!!!( and to be honest I can tell you in secret, i take a bach remedy to give me the courage to do it)
You on the other hand are doing this from your heart and unprepaired..ppff that is brave !!

And then the thing with your sister...girl what got in to you?????
whahw hoooh my heart grew almost out of my body reading that part...
I don't know exactly what happend, but go on doing what you are doing for it works!
And in the mean time prepair for telling us how you did it, for it can be such a good example for others to handle things in the future...

One proud feeling follows the other...You make me happy for not wanting to be isolated anymore. Doing the things you want to and can do so very well will make you even stronger,
it will open up your eyes more and more and doing so you will accept more who YOU are instead of what 'they' want you to be...
The locks are open now...let the flood come......

All your live you were surpressed and now you smell freedom..... go for it!!!
Lord Crown will 'walk beside his shoes' we would say..That is how proud he is because of how you are growing...
This seems to be such a different way of live for both of you... can Lord Crown keep up with all your progressions?

I opened up the link you gave us......'Funny' thing is I didn't upset me too much.When you told us in the past how and where you had to sleep , this is exactly what i had in mind. But seeing it for real did make a difference for I hoped so very much I was wrong.
It is like touching the past isn't it. It is proof of our sanity... People who did this want to hide it,say you are making it up, and you want to believe them as in a surviving mechanism..and now the proof of it all to be true si there!..And the realisation of where the matras was coming from...knowing why it was so very heavy... terrible..and you were such a young little girl..
It is 'known' that humans don't remember things correctly, most people make drama bigger and worse to somehow impress others....
This prooves again that when things are so terrible we tend to make it smaller. When finding how things really were we get a real shock to realise it all.. And beside the proof we are right, it is shaking the earth for it now is like we can touch it again.
I am glad this realisation makes you so much stronger. And it shows who you are in core.

My health is much better thank you for asking. I went to hospital today to see one of my specialists. He wants me to change some of the mediation to see if things will improve that way..We expect them to do indeed.
It has to be possible for the bone dises to improve so much that i will not have it anymore. The medicine I need is no longer available in my country but in some hidden but legal way it is, and he will see to it I will get it...
So i have my hopes up again. This will mean I will no longer break my ribs and that will improve live very much.
The band is doing well. Friday we exist for a year and from januari on we rehears new songs.( that are covers, new to us I mean) In november is our first performance and i am nervous because of it already.....(how brave is that!!!)
So almost all is well. Coming days I will write about what my son did last weekend.I am not quit ready to tell yet, but maybe I will be tomorrow...
Don't worry, it will not break my spirit, for it is not his to break!!!
So glad you are back and indeed hope you keep on writing again. No matter what, dear lady Crown...we wait for you to be with us again and in the mean time you are save in our hearts.
love and hugs Segaya

Hi Lady Crown

I'm soooo pleased to see you back! I'm having a few days away and will write more tomorrow as I don't know how long this internet link will last and I really want to talk to you and don't want to lose what I write.

I feel very relieved to know that you are back to talk to us.

All my best wishes to you and Lord Crown ...till tomorrow!

Jan

Hello Lady Crown

You are right …we are VERY proud of you!

Isn’t it odd that as your family is getting worse you are getting better? Do you think they are getting worse BECAUSE you are getting better and they are losing control of you?
I see you are still being the caring person you were to invite the family out, I wonder why you would want to go out with them, wouldn’t it be better to keep a distance between you then they can’t hurt you any more. Do you spend much time with your family as you said an old neighbour called at their house to see you?

I’m absolutely stunned that you stood up and spoke at the meeting!!! To do that with preparation is one thing but to do it cold is amazing. You must have so much knowledge on the subject but being in front of an audience and being able to impart that knowledge –WOW. No wonder the album had such importance and the family obviously know this, is there any way you and Lord Crown can go and get back what is rightfully yours? If you could devise a plan to take them out of the house and he stays behind to search or maybe arrange to meet the historian at their house and while they are together boldly say you are just going to get your album that he would like to take to copy. Do you think they would be shocked that you have put them in this position in front of a stranger and let you get it?

It must have felt wonderful to have a go at your sister but as you say it meant nothing to her and I hope she didn’t get any pleasure in getting you to fever pitch as that is a weapon she will try and use again. These people love to wind us up as that gives them control over our reactions. As long as nothing you said gave her any ammunition then it’s empowering and maybe she will see you as becoming stronger adversary. I think we all need to discuss what happens when we ‘out’ a psychopath. I will do some research and see if there is any information but I would like to hear about what other members have experienced. My partner and I found that when we ‘outed’ his kid, he moved on to another victim so we were fortunate but it’s not something I would recommend with an aggressive or violent adult.


What a good idea to take a transcript to the psychiatrist, I don’t suppose many of them know what it’s like trying to have a conversation with personality disordered people especially when it’s family members. Crying must have brought a sense of relief to let the emotion pour out of you, there are many years of negative emotions to release. It has been proven that crying is good for us and as it releases certain hormones that make us feel better.

The photo you posted was awful and I’m not surprised it is etched in your mind and I expect it will always stay there. The only thing to do with that image is to let it come back to you every time your family try to inflict any more pain and suffering as a way of confirming your decision not to have contact with them. The farther away they are the farther away the image is. Give the image back to them in your mind, you can only see it when they are around, it is their soul you can see not a mattress. A soul that has nothing good in it. The mattress was something they inflicted on you and now they can have it back. It may sound silly …but as you are joining the camera club…well here goes! Take a picture of your own lovely comfortable mattress, that is the image that takes the place of the old one. The new image can represent your life now and the cushioning and support you have found.

You have come on so far since you last posted, it would be good to know how you managed to move on, have you got any advice you can pass on to other members.

I’m looking forward to following your progress and send my best wishes to Lord Crown. He must be incredibly proud of seeing you emerging from the chrysalis and wondering just what an amazing a butterfly he will get.

Regards
Jan

Hi, everyone!

Thanks so much for your comments about the picture. It really helped me to hear your responses to it, although, Segaya, I understand that you were hoping you were wrong. I think you had that insight that you weren't going to be wrong. It was a relief in a way to hear the shock and horror and disgust you both expressed, although I didn't want anyone to have any extra bad feelings through me. But I got the validation from you both that is so important to me and makes me feel less alone and less at fault. Both you and Jan also said the same thing...to do the presentation without any preparation or foreknowledge. Lord Crown said that too. And I thought nothing of that, it didn't seem like anything out of the ordinary for me, but now that you all have mentioned it, I'm pretty proud of myself! More about that below...

Yes, it was good what happened with my Psychopath sister. Segaya, what specifically happened was she started asking me questions about what I would do about a house, and what I felt I deserved. I gave her honest answers and what she did, which she always does, was classic Psychopath. Answers an honest answer with a stupid or unrelated question, starts out with "but", rebukes what I say, and no matter what I say, she refutes it (black is white, etc.) I'm sure you are all familiar with this. It's a verbal destabilization that refutes what you say, argues with it, but says nothing concrete that you can pin down. If I showed her the mattress picture, she would say "I didn't know you needed a mattress". Not the horror or injustice or hurt of it. A stupid answer that denies what you are saying and makes it unimportant. It's purely motivated to deflate your position and put you in the wrong and make your position shaky by undermining your ground. This is designed to have you wonder if you are crazy. This is how Psychopath's work.

So instead of responding to what she was saying, which is pointless, and what she wants (to draw me away from the topic and into a fruitless argument) I just bashed her with every sentence. I mentioned everything that was done to me, everything she didn't want brought up, told her how stupid her answers were, and so on. But I did it all very calmly and matter-of-fact, so it was never really like a "fight". She didn't get any of her usual enjoyment out of it, instead she got torn up by me, which she can't bear. That's why she was "cooking" about it four hours later and called me to try again to destabilize me. It got to her. Which was good. So instead of upsetting and destabilizing me, she was upset and on shaky ground. Of course, we all know the Psychopath's can't stop there. They have to try to regain the control they had. So the phone call four hours later was her desperately trying to regain that control.

Now here's the part where it gets really crazy. After the presentation, I've been in touch with the historian who ran it. He is reading my report on one of the entries in his slide show, and he has contacted a gallery with some interest in me doing an exhibition of the historical pictures!! This is tremendous news for me, and something I've wanted for so long, and hopefully will move me on my way to publishing the book. It's a great honor and compliment, and so exciting, I can't even say! However, we are back to yes, the albums. I prepared a draft of the project, and went to my mother's. I showed her the report, explained the idea, and she is refusing to give me the pictures. Now, these are only pictures of local architecture and streets, a kind of then-and-now layout. No pics of the family or anything like that. She is insisting that she has to sit over my shoulder and vet every single one. She said I could write the information on a scrap of paper (like the mattress). She said she didn't want to deal with it, and when I asked her, "Aren't you excited for me?", she said, "No, I'm not."

The difference was, when she started saying the usual stall, about having to think about it, and I'd have to go through it with you, I completely changed. I said, "No." She started to get up and leave the room, and I said, "You don't have a choice in this. If you hate the albums so much, why would you want to go through them with me? I don't need you to tell me what I am using for this project. These are professional people, they are not interested in waiting four months because you hate them. I've asked and begged and waited and knocked myself out to make it easy for you for two years and I still have nothing. That's not going to happen again. This is going to happen". She was absolutely stunned. Stunned that I said no to her, stunned that I told her I was doing this. Then she accused me of taking pictures from the house, and I ripped the picture calendar off the wall, threw it in front of her and pointed out each picture that I had taken myself, and she started apologizing. I said to her, "Don't ever tell me again how creative and talented I am, and what a shame it is that I can't do something with it, because that obviously doesn't mean a thing." I said, there's isn't a document that has ever been in my hands that I can't be trusted with, since I have birth certificates from 1866, for genealogy, and you know it." On top of which, Lord Crown, who was there, offered to do the whole thing for free on the best quality paper, instead of paying a fortune and waiting two weeks, at the local copy shop. Then I capped off the whole thing by saying, "If you had done it in the last two years I've been waiting, I wouldn't have a time constraint now."

So here I am, finally hoping to enter a professional grade, and she's uttering idiocies about copying pictures at Kinko's for forty cents, and writing notes on a scrap of paper. It's the used clothes and the mattress and the no-bedroom all over again. Then, my Psychopath sister calls me last night to tell me that Mom told her I was doing a presentation, and "something would have to be worked out". She pumped me for information which I didn't give her. It was a repeat of the previous phone call, with "but" and putting me in the wrong about "demanding" the albums, and that the gallery could wait (!!) etc. So I told her that Mom was asking about the "missing pictures", but didn't tell her anything else. So now she is freaking out. Since we all know that she took them, it is significant that Mom accuses me of it, but doesn't ask her two days later anything about it. It's always me.

BTW, just for background, Psychopath sister has kited checks, stolen money, forged my mother's signature at the bank to cash Mom's checks, copied the car keys, and so forth. And yet she is never asked about anything that is missing. I, on the other hand, have been accused so far of "taking the christening clothes, taking pictures from the albums and attic, keeping the deed to the family graves, and keeping my mother's car manual". And not just once, I am asked about these things over and over again for years.

I am sorry this has turned out to be so long. I have to go over this afternoon on an excuse, so I'll see what happens. It took so long to fill you all in on what took place, that I still have to write what I think it means.

First of all, there was not one word from anyone of how happy they were for me, or how proud. Not one word of congratulation.
Second, there was an overwhelming resentment of my taking control.
Third, there is absolute shock that I am saying No, and telling them. This is a huge affront to them.
Fourth, it has been made absolutely clear to me that I could go over with a gallery contract in my hand and tickets to the presentation, along with a magnifying glass and acid-free archival paper, and they would still act as if I were standing there in my brother's clothes, by that mattress, with a scrap of old paper in my hand. What I actually am means nothing. Absolutely nothing. It could not have been made plainer that there is no recognition of any talent or intelligence or gifts of mine. They made me into the image that haunts me; an ugly boring little girl, with cut-off hair, nothing pretty, nothing girly, out of place, annoying, irritating, a problem that won't go away. And that image is exactly how they are treating me with this. As if I were only that, and truly that, and nothing more, ever.

So I will let you know what transpires this afternoon. All I know is, I might have to abandon the project. It might come to that. But it isn't going to change anything about who I am or what should be. Nor will it change how clearly I see them for what they are. Not why they are...I'll probably never know that. But that isn't very important any more.

Jan, my next post is going to try to address what you asked about advice and maybe some steps that helped. I don't want to hog this anymore than I already did, so I'll come back this afternoon. Thank you all as usual for listening and I'll talk to you soon.

Dear Lady Crown,
As always I am so happy to see your name coming up when opening the forum!!

Have you any idea how different you sound? So strong, self confident, so much conviction,
so clear!!!
What a growth you have been through.........

I see you standing there in front of the family... Seeing what they try to do... And thank heavens I can say 'try' this time...For I don't think they succeed anymore. There is such a huge difference in who you are and what they want you to be.
I think you are so right in knowing they want you back on that matress, back in those clothes, back in the corner....back in where you were in that humiliating state they want you to be.....
I sence you felt it this time; the huge gab in what you are and their picture of who you should be according to them.
This is such a turning point for you isn't it!!!!!

Did it feel like being in an other world?
I have the feeling you are and will be out of reach for them. Now and in the future...No one can and will take this away from you again..Simply because you won't let them.....

I wondered why you didn't experience the great step foreward you took when adressing all the people who are listening when you spoke? It is like you said...like it is normal to you...doesn't that say enough????????????????
There is so much hidden inside still and you will never let something or someone stop you from now on.
Did you arrive yet on where you have to go?... Won't live be hard again from now on?...Of course it will..But never ever like before..No way!

You are so seeing through all the trick and scames these people use.. You are so trained in howhte act, talk move and all the little things they use to get into you rhead.... it won't trick you again...
I see you need that album with the pictures...But I dont think they will give it to you...They want you to go and tell that man you can't, and be humiliated again rather then give it and afterwards get it back..They don't loose a thing by it, just loosing control and grib over you and that is something that they don't want to do....

I see what Jan ment by asking if there isn't a way to just take the album, do what you need to do to get the pictures and just put it back where it came from..
I remember Saphira's comment on something she said to someone else on this forum... about not doing the same thing as the psychopaths do... Staying strong in who we are ourselves... But this is so very importend to you and it would make such a difference.
The whole situation is different from that with the other person Sapphira talked to ..No privacy involved, just stopping the ongoing involvement in your live and taking control of you own life....
.

I want to write more but have no timenow, so I comeback to you, in the mean time i thinkof you and keep my fingers grossed over the situation this afternoon!!!
lots of pinky hugs ans so very bright pinky proud!!!
Segaya

Hello Lady Crown

Please don’t apologise for a long post, I read every paragraph twice as I wanted to read more!

To say my jaw dropped was an understatement, it’s like reading a letter from a completely new person.

You said “there was not one word from anyone of how happy they were for me, or how proud. Not one word of congratulation.”

Well there are plenty of words here about how happy and proud we are. Congratulations are not enough!!! Admiration is probably a better way to describe my feelings. I’m so happy that you have this wonderful new confidence and very proud at how you calmly handled your sister. That must have taken some doing, you have a formidable strength of character.
It’s great to hear you say you are proud of yourself, that takes courage. That is much more important than anyone else being proud of you. If you are not proud of yourself why should anyone else be?

I wonder why you are still having conversations about anything with your sister when all she does is try to bring you down, isn’t it time to mentally cut her out of your life? Have meaningless conversations about any old topic that gives nothing from you, apart from the sound of the words, would do the job. I used to say very odd things in front of my partner’s kid so he could hear - just to confuse him, then say something contradictory which totally baffled him. I would show no emotion so he couldn’t read any body language. He had no control when he didn’t know what was going on.

Why answer her phone calls can you leave an answer-phone switched on? You could phone back, if you felt you wanted to, then you would be in control and if you knew what she was up to you could have some prepared responses.

It must have given you great satisfaction to let rip and say what you wanted in a very controlled way, again you had control so a response from you wasn’t wasted if it put them on the back foot. I wouldn’t advocate giving a response to anything normally but if you know what you hope to achieve then that is what you should do as long as you accept it won’t change their future behaviour.

You have a wonderful future ahead of you and you must have your albums otherwise these people have put you back where you were. What possible reason could your mother give to the historian about withholding them if he came to her house with you collect them?

From an outside perspective it’s crazy that these people are using this particular weapon but it could be anything of any value or meaning to you. What has it got to do with them-how does it affect them? The simple short story is…they are you’re your property and they can’t stop you taking them but it has got all out of proportion and if they were normal people we would laugh at what they are doing. It’s a game and you are an unwilling participant, your frustration must be tremendous but hopefully you will be able to retire from this silly game soon.
I feel like coming and taking them for you and facing these crazy people head on, they are trying to control your future but does it have to be in their power to do so?
I think you have to climb the last step towards freedom and a wonderful future, you have earned it, deserve it and should have it.

This is the last link and they know it, once it’s broken they have lost all control of you and then who would they be and who would they control? They would be empty vessels.

I desperately want you to get your albums and have that career that will fulfil you. Your transformation would be as complete as you can make it, you will be the person you always were but had withheld from you-like the albums.

Please tell me you will do this and don’t forget that you will have the pinky crowd standing behind you supporting you, urging you on. You can’t choose your family and just because they are related to you doesn’t make what they do any different, it’s the people you choose who matter, their opinions count. My partner was always brainwashed by his mother that ‘blood is thicker than water’ thing which I think is a totally meaningless thing to say as that indicates you have to stand by someone who is related to you even if they are evil. Hitler’s mother could have used that pathetic phrase to forgive his act of genocide.

My partner’s mother is the first person to fall out with family …including my partner…because he wouldn’t do what she wanted. She has double standards.
I get the feeling that you are still caring too much for people who will never give anything back to you but you don’t feel able to abandon your mother because it’s not normal to reject a mother. Maybe you should give yourself that freedom.

Lord Crown must be feeling elated that you are becoming the person he knew you were, he obviously could see what was hidden. You have overcome things that many of us will never really know about, you have a lot to feel proud of yourself for.

I’m looking forward to you telling us you have got all the things you need and your plans for a new start.

Regards
Jan

Hi, everyone. here's the update!

Well, I went over, and it wasn't even mentioned. I had an ulterior motive, but unfortunately the albums are so well-hidden, there's isn't a hope of finding them on my own. I went out to dinner with Psychopath sister and Mom just to see what transpired. Psychopath didn't speak to me at all, and I had to run an errand. She actually wanted to drop me off at the mall and "come back for me", so I could wait there for an hour on my cane, just like before. I said No. Everytime she said something stupid and interrogative, I snapped her head off. And I waited for Mom to ask HER where the missing pictures were, and she never mentioned it at all. No one brought up the project, the albums, congratulations or anything. And I didn't expect them to. I knew they wouldn't. I only went because I wanted to see what they would do. That was her chance to speak up for me and encourage Mom to give them to me, and she never even mentioned it. Typical.

Here's the good part.

Lord Crown came home from work and handed me a copy of an 8-page letter, and said, "I just mailed this to your sister". I proceeded to read what I can only describe as a lettre de cachet, informing her that I am quite under his protection, her reign of terror is long over, and just try to go through him. Along with a few salutary comments on her mental state, cruelty, vain attempts at control, and so on. He clearly threw down the gauntlet and dared her to try and take him on. I only wish I could post this masterpiece of rhetoric for you all to read. And as insulting and angry and punitive as it was, I can only call it restrained! So she is in for the shock of her life. I can't predict what will happen. She's either going to have a total mental meltdown and go through my mother in tears, hysterics and "hurt", and try to set my mother on to me, or she'll go the other way and pretend it never came until a few weeks from now, when she thinks Lord Crown has "calmed down".

Now, it's very unusual for Lord Crown to do something like this, but the last phone call was it for him. As he said, he fired a warning shot the last time at the hospital, and told her then, "What ever you've been doing, and got away with doing, you had better stop." And like every Psychopath, she ignored that, and he let her keep weaving her own rope. She is not the type of normal person to be able to take this, since she could never take a no in the first place, and can't bear to give up the control. More to follow. Love and pinky pinky hugs! :>


"A brave man's blood is the best thing on this earth when a woman is in trouble."

Dear Lady Crown,
My hands are in a fist!!!!
Can I go with Lord Crown to do what surely has to be done!!!????
You must feel so great with this man taking control and supporting you this way. Knowing you are not alone... Well,I guess you did know that already. But feeling it, seeing it reading it, hearing it must be overwhelming!!!
It is like you are a whole new, different person... I love it!!!
I will com back to write more tomorrow.It is half past 3 at night now and I have to get some sleep for I will be nothing at all the rest of the coming days when I don't.So glad to came to the forum and seeing your name popping up again.. I planned to just shot the computer down but something told me to wait and first check here!!!

Ooo i am so happy and soo proud..PINKY PROUD!!!!
Love and hugs for the both of you
Segaya


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Hello Lady Crown

You must feel incredibly well protected have Lord Crown look after you like he does….where do you find men like him?

I often wonder about what would happen if you tell a psychopath you know what their game is and would be very wary so I will be following the outcome of his letter. This is the sort of information we need. I found when my partner’s kid knew I could see right through him he gave up working me over, he became more covert about doing it to anyone else so I had to be more vigilant.

I really relate to what you said about your sister ignoring the letter until he had forgotten and things had blown over. The kid used to do the most appalling things like destroying the neighbours garden furniture and she would come round guns blazing and tell him off. He would just look sullen and not say a word or even apologise after his denials were not accepted then a few days later he would breeze round to her house as if nothing had happened. She always had a supply of chocolate muffins and other goodies that he wanted….and would ask for!

I also relate to the final straw when you feel you can’t sit back and let things happen any longer, my turning point was smearing excrement on my face towels….what message was that giving me!!!!

Life was a lot easier for me when I snapped and had no contact or interaction with the kid after that. I didn’t say a word to him about it although my partner did. He even hit him because he was so angry and appalled that his own kid could do that. Luckily the hand didn’t really connect and the kid did a dramatic fall at the same time (which was funny and made me laugh inside) so he wasn’t hurt but he threatened he would tell the police so my partner said “please do and social services will take you away-great! It would do us all a favour” You can imagine the thunderous look on his face-he was beaten, exposed and we were both done with him.

After this he stayed with his gran a lot then re-established contact with his own mother so we saw virtually nothing of him as he was away at school during term time and would split his holiday between them, Heaven. The honeymoon period with his mother lasted two weeks but we just ignored the phone calls after he went to live with her permanently and was up to his old tricks again. He got the mobile/cell phone, fancy clothes, games etc then started up again.

On a practical note, you need to get those albums and I would have no conscience about whatever method works, the end justifies the means. I would even consider getting ‘someone to break in’. You could wait till your sister was away for a couple of days and just go round with Lord Crown and another witness and tell your mother you are going through the whole house until you find them and it may be easier for her to say where they are.
I think if you show her you will not back down she may cave in. It’s madness them holding you back and if you told an outsider what was going on they would have a hard time understanding the whole game with it’s bizarre rules and why everyone was going along with it. If only the rest of the world knew what we know and how we get sucked in by these people and the control they have and use against us.
This is your future and what they do with theirs is irrelevant so I’m sure everyone on this forum will support whatever way you get what you need. I got so excited when you wrote about your plans and I want to see it happen. What a result when you get there….it will go a little way to give back what was taken from you despite all the odds against you.

You will set an example for people who come to the forum looking for help.

Best of luck and regards
Jan

Hi, Jan and Segaya,

I hope you are both doing well. Has anyone heard from Sapphira? Thanks so much for both of your comments. Segaya, you are so welcome to go with Lord Crown! He would love that! And then we'd all go out to lunch! Jan too!
I often wonder about what would happen if you tell a psychopath you know what their game is and would be very wary so I will be following the outcome of his letter. This is the sort of information we need. This is very true, Jan. So far, she has ignored it, and I haven't heard a peep, which I expected. Like I said, it was either that or complete meltdown. However,she is going on vacation in a few days, so I think she is pretending it didn't happen so as not to ruin that. Yeah, good luck with that. I saw my mother the other day, didn't mention the letter, and told her she only had a few days to get the albums! She said, "don't worry about that", but for the first time it wasn't in a stalling way, more like reassuring. Of course, I'll believe it when I see it, and I don't intend to let up the pressure. I just had news that my other brother was coming into town in October, God help me, and I'm anxious that she's going to use that as an excuse to "wait until then". And my answer to that is No.

Jan, I can't believe, although I do, what you had to go through with your partner's child. That was a great comeback to the police threat, I liked it a lot. It must have been such a relief when he was gone. The other day I actually thought to myself, "I would be better off if Psychopath sister was swept away by Hurricane Gustav.." For a moment it surprised me, then I realized that it would be a relief from the intolerable pressure and unending abuse. And the sense of relief was enormous and made me realize how bad it really is. It's a sad moment, but only a moment, when you realize there is nothing about them you would miss and that you prefer it if you never saw them again. And I don't feel bad about feeling that at all. It acknowledged how I felt.

Jan, I'm trying to answer your questions about how it took place, but it's hard. It seems like one little thing happened, then another, then another. I know a huge turning point for me was the mattress picture. It physically brought it all back for me. But it was building up before then. It actually started when I was trying to do the accounts one day, and I was writing plans. I looked at the list and realized I only paid a bill when I had to or when Lord Crown needed something. Nothing else had any importance for me. I started wondering why I didn't feel any impetus to do anything else, and I gradually came to understand that I was never in the picture. What I wanted or needed, just wasn't there. So I started wondering where else is this happening? And I saw it all over, in every area. So I started asking myself what I wanted? Even little things, like salad dressings or to go somewhere. I was constantly automatically taking those things off the list.

So I tried putting a few tiny things back in (like Segaya's leg warmers!). And it started to work a little bit. But everytime I got something, or paid a bill on time, what it really did was shook up my thinking, and troubled me. I wondered where did this come from? I'm an honest person, and not a bill-skipper, so what had caused this lack of feeling about responsibilities and enjoying something for myself? I thought about it over and over, and then I started to see me without a bedroom. Or a notebook. Or clothes. I could feel the deadening of any desire or right to things. I started to see all these examples of what made me like this. The mattress. The not being allowed out. Not getting a notebook. The old clothes, the bedroom being thrown out, sleeping in the porch. All of it. And I could feel for the first time how confusing that was to my mind, how distorting it was to my expectations and how it kept me from having priorities that did something for me.

I'm so sorry, I have to sign off. I will finish this later, a household thing has come up. Much love,
Lady Crown