Jan

I just downloaded Firefox. Great advice. My mind is so foggy in this hazy place where I'm having to live. I wasn't thinking. My mother's husband [can't say Stepfather, he is 2 years younger than me, what a 'family'?]is the only one who uses the computer. So, I'm gonna take all of the necessary precautions so he can't read my posts!

Thanks Again for being there, I need you All, your support is sometimes all I have, except for Prayer!

Hello Sarah

You are incredibly stressed and I can see how hard you are finding it to keep your distance from the family. You say you told your sister that her friend exposed himself to you and that gave her ammunition, it's situations like this that you need to take control of...I know it's so easy for me to say...the best way of dealing with what he did would be to calmly tell him you were going to call the police as what he did was an offence, then told him to leave the house at once. Taking control is the goal, quietly even silently but firmly with conviction.

You are doing well not reacting to the accusations and now you need to see them for what they are and try not to feel so hurt by someone who is morally insane. It's so difficult not be hurt but please don't let this woman get to you and provoke such pain.

Did you tell your sister where you will be living? If it's not too late, keep this knowledge of your whereabouts secret. I would not even put your mother in the position of knowing and having to keep it a secret. Give them your cell phone number if you feel you have to but you don't have to answer any calls you choose not to. Could you arrange to phone your mother (and only her) on a planned schedule maybe at a certain time twice a week?

Your grandmother sounds lovely and she must be so happy having such a good relationship with you. If I were you I would devote any spare time to her, she deserves it and she will return your care and affection. It's time to let the others go, your sister will never change and you need to let her go from your life. Your mother has her husband so let them get on with their life together.

I wish you well with your new apartment and hope it's a new start for you. Please try to let go of the past now you have the opportunity. It will be your space and you will have control of it, only let in the people that will make life better for you and not the ones that bring anything negative.

Keep singing....louder...so only you can be heard. Let it fill your mind and not leave any space for anything your sister says.

It's not long till 1st so keep yourself well away from the chance of any contact whenever possible. You could use packing as a good excuse to keep busy.

Did you remember not to have the Firefox icon on your desktop? If you have, delete the shortcut and access it from 'all programs'.

Regards
Jan

Jan,

I did remember to hide Firefox! Thanks for the advice!... The internet connection here was down for several days so I wasn't able to read or post.

I have to clarify that I have been separated [by choice] from all of my family for the most part of 20 years. I raised my kids after the death of my husband, who was the only truly good man that I ever had in my personal life. I realized after he was killed and getting Therapy, that my family was not at all a good example for my children. [To say the least] So, I cut ties with them long ago! My daughter is almost 26 and my son is 20. We lived in the same home for 18 years and they never, ever heard yelling or saw anyone being hit. They broke the cycle, Thank God!

But after leaving the last place I lived with my son [a 2 bedroom.apt.] I found myself unable to stay there. So, I've had to put myself and my stuff somewhere, temporarily. And the only place I could go, was to my mothers'.... I never thought I'd be back here, but I had to!

I had an appointment yesterday to get into a subsidized housing unit. It looks really good for me too! Low rent, with much security. Right in the middle of an up-scale neighborhood, it's a small complex, just right for me! The town too is a lot smaller than where I've been living, and it's pretty close to my mother. She can't visit me there, because it's upstairs. I'll never tell any of them which apt. I live in, for sure!!!!

I'll visit my little Grandmother as long as she lives, and [with the help of God] my family will know as little as possible about me.

It's strange, [ or is it??] my sister only came to my mothers' after I moved here!... Hmmm?! Anyway, I had no choice, but to put all of my belongings here and wait for my car to get out of the shop.

BTW, my sister is out of town for 2 nights and I am resting good! She'll be back tomorrow though... I dread it so much.

As for the guy who exposed himself to me... He did it while my Grandmother was sleeping, and she woke up just in time! And this may sound weird, but there are hardly any police here. And if you do call them, the 'whole town always' forms the opinion they choose... And so-called 'Outsiders' from Town [Such as Me] are not believed by the people of this town, even if you take the Pervert all the way to court and a jury finds them guilty, and they go to prison..... 'Outsiders' from Town, [Me] are liars and they put the poor guy 'Away'! Sick Isn't It???? But that's how it is!

Anyway, I have some comfort in knowing that I am an 'Outsider from out of town!' ... I Pray to out of here very soon with all of my things that are always packed, lol!

I feel better some days, like today... Other days, it's all I can do to keep on going. But I will keep on for my kids. Hopefully, even for myself 'later'... I am, in great need of Therapy again! Until then, I will get on the net and read, and I'll try to sing that song louder and louder! I'll have "No Contact" again one day!... But as long as my Grandma lives, I will have to come here to 'see her',... BUT, my family won't really 'see me' after I move out!

Love

For whoever has read this thread, and can relate. Please, I am living with "My Mother"... I wrote in great detail about her a long time ago!.. I am re-reading my own post for help with my present situation.

This Forum is great!

Hello Sarah

How sad to lose your husband at such a young age and sad for the children to grow up without knowing their father and seeing for themselves what a good relationship you had with him.

Parenting two young children on your without the support of family must have been so hard but what an achievement that you brought them up to be a credit to you.

It sounds as though you will be safe and secure in your new home and I hope you are very happy there, life is moving on for you and you can make it want you want as soon as you get into your apartment. A chance to meet new people and get rid of anyone who has caused you harm. I understand your grandmother lives with your mother and that is a reason for you having to go back there? That isn’t good for you but your grandmother needs you if she lives with your mother, it’s a shame you couldn’t get a place big enough so you could have her live with you then you could cut all contact.

I wish you all the best for the future and please let us know how you get on in your new home. I think it would be a good idea to have further therapy as you need to work through what has been happening and if you don’t have a close friend where you live you need to be able to open up to someone.

Keep singing!

Regards
Jan

Jan,

Good News!!! My sister moved out!!!! I can sigh a big sigh of relief "Whew"... My Grandma would "never leave her little girl". You know she is my mothers most faithful victim. As of now, my mother just got out of the hospital, she has Kidney Failure. She has sat in that chair barking out orders for so long, that her health is going down fast. Diabetes 2 ignored, leads to kidney failure. BUT... She is Invincible [in her mind] and refused to go to a facility where she could learn how to walk again and be able to get around in her home. She's not going to be "put away"... She will kill herself rather than go to place that will save her life. By the way. [I pick her up and put her where she wants to be. She has no problem having me pick her up. I am 5'2 and weigh 120 and she weighs 200 lbs] I was told by nurse to never pick her up! This is the 3rd time in a few months that she's been hospitalized. She refuses to go the next step, SO, it will happen again. She will go down in a short time and will be taken by me!!!!! I will hurt my back, and she will eventually not be able to feed herself, bath, get dressed etc, etc, etc! She'll soon wake up one day again and not know where she is. And then, back to the hospital, to make her feel better__AGAIN_ One day she will get so bad [since she's 75 years old] that it will too late. They've talked to her about Dialysis already. BUT... She is Invincible, ya know?

I love sounding off on this board, it helps me feel sane. And reading, oh reading all of the posts on here, when I have time that is!

Thank you for responding to me! Thank you Jan for really listening and helping mee to come up with a way out. I love you all, my friends!

Hello Sarah

Good news and not so good news. It must be a huge relief that your sister has moved out but does that make it more difficult with your mother? Does she have more time to work on you?

It must be so hard seeing your mother as someone who is ill and needs help from her daughter and balancing that against her reasons for putting you in that position. If she was suffering from dementia I'm sure you would have no hesitation doing the right thing for her whether she objected ot not. Is it possible for you to see her as someone who is no longer able to make rational choices? If it makes you ill or causes you an injury you would not be able to do the things she demands of you so you need to look after yourself and put your needs first. Another case of 'putting you oxygen mask on first before you try and help others.'

It is hard but if she chooses her lifestyle then you shouldn't be expected to support it if it is not good for you, it's not you being selfish...it's sensible. Maybe you should tell her what decisions you will support and those you won't then if she still wants to do what you don't then you will have to let her but you have forewarned her you won't be party to some things.

In the UK we can get a 'bracelet' a person can wear that is linked to the phone, if they fall or need medical help they just press it and the emergency service is alerted and so is the nominated next of kin. Do you know if that sort of thing is available for your mother? I realise that other countries have different sorts of medical services but as this is a service that is paid for by the wearer it could be a private arrangement or through an insurance company. I know this would not help if she had a diabeteic coma but again if she chooses to stay at home and take that risk then it is up to her. She is being controlling which is selfish so it is up to you whether you allow her to do it or not.

Sometimes all we need is to be able to offload our frustration and anger to someone who listens so I'm pleased it helps you to write on the forum. I know just how that feels and the relief you get when someone hears what you are saying and reponds, it is a great comfort.

Regards
Jan

Hello Sarah,

I have been offline and out of touch with this board since '07 ~ it feels so good to post again! Hello!

Sarah, I hope by now you are in your new place. Whether you are or not, it sounds like you will be interacting with your mother on some level. You say she acts as though she is invincible, but I have to agree with Jan about her being controlling. Seems she has resorted to playing the Martyr Card pretty heavily at this point. Psychopaths LOVE that card, if you haven't noticed. It gets them instant attention. As Jan pointed out, it will be up to you to draw the boundaries in this situation ~ your mother will pull you in only as far as you allow her.

While you decide where to draw those lines, may I suggest another approach to the verbal abuse that is thrown at you? Let's turn their hurtful, vindictive, negative words into something positive.

This is really easy to do once you wrap your mind around a few simple truths~

WHAT these people say to you doesn't really matter, it is really just a mud-slinging lie fest aimed at hurting you. A never ending vicious cycle of cutting you where you are most tender and enjoying your pain when you bleed. You will never win the battle at this level.

WHY they do it matters enormously, and it is here where you can win the war.

Psychopaths are intensely negative people. Whatever face they may put on it, they are only about destruction and devastation. Very, very negative. When you put a very negative force and a very positive force together, chances are you are going to have one heck of a reaction. Hence the craziness when you interact with them. They are simply reacting to YOUR very positive nature. Cause and effect.

EVERY WORD they sling at you is saying, "Your goodness is upsetting me! I am jealous/intimidated/threatened/annoyed by the goodness I see in you!" Hence, every abusive word they throw at you is a COMPLIMENT and a VALIDATION of your innate good nature.

Holy sh*t, Sarah! The negative force that is your mother apparently had to call for back-up by bringing your sister in on the situation too! LOL! Oh wait, plus some random guy was pulled in on the deal as well to whip out the ol' wand~can't forget him! Do you see, honey? The negative force in the universe brought in a whole freaking tag team to gang up on you and make you feel bad. How validating is that?!?

What does it say about you that you needed to be tag-teamed? Can you take a step back and look at that bigger picture? You are indeed a positive force to be reckoned with. The negative force in the world knows it ~~ you need to know it too.

I hope this helps. Turn it around. Spin it. Change the perspective. By looking at it another way you can see yourself and feel completely different about the situation. Mom won't be very successful dragging you down once you really see yourself (seemingly she is going more for a literal meaning of dragging you down with her 200 lbs in addition to what she puts on you verbally). A negative package in both word and deed.

Regards,
Deb

Hi Deb,

Great to see you back, you sound terrific and I hope things are going well for you, they sure do sound like it.

If you get a chance it may help others to see how you found your strength to win the struggle/battle and come out the other end?

I have been missing for quite awhile, thankfully my partner Jan has been a blessing. My mother is very ill and then I had to go to Arizona for the month.

Di

Hello Di,
So happy to see you back on the forum. Hope you are doing well and not too worried about your mother?
Just wanted to say hello to you for now.
Big hug Segaya