Something I came in contact with last night. I'll share what I can and will come back and eleborate. This is new in my awareness. I know I buried it. I had to.

From the beginning, I knew P#2's weakness. He had a HUGE ego and he was some one I did admire in many ways. Not all. . .but many. As the relationship (or whatever you call it) progressed, I knew I would have to underplay my strengths to maintain my connection with him. (early childhood schema of I have to lose so someone can win). I played right into this.

I became weak so he could be strong. I lost so he could win. I dimished so he could flourish.

I knew if I displayed my strong self. . .I would lose him. So I underplayed myself.

Then. . .when he did what narcissists do (didn't know that then). . .I paniced!!!!!

It began unraveling immediately. And then. . . .shock. . . .fear. . . .disbelief. . . .bewilderment. . .I began the fall into the abyss. I lost myself. . .in him.

Oh how desperate I was for love. I was willing to sacrifice everything.

I'm working on loving and appreciating myself these days.

The above is honesty. My truth.

I'm going to keep digging. It's the only way out. Facing my own demons. Looking at my own disguise. . .


It is as you say Betterway, posting here has pulled my out of denial.

With love and gratitude,
finished

I told a friend yesterday: " the P's bring out the devil out of each of us." I don t know if any of them realize, i think they do.

This awareness was only something I was vaguely aware of. Now I am beginning to see that I operate that way in most of my relationships. It is like I am very perceptive to evaluate the "landscape". Then. . .I modify based on who I'm dealing with. I know inside my own strength but rarely display it. It's like I don't want to intimidate anyone. (I wasn't supposed to be to smart).

This is very complicated. Hard to articulate right now because the thoughts are just beginning to form. One of the ways to put it is, I begain to deferring to him. . .to a degree. . .not totally. . .but to a degree. Something I could not sustain. Years of living with P#1 had made me HIGHY sensitive to any type of controlling behavior. So. . .I also kept my distance.

My thinking is very tangled up here. . .I'm hoping to make some sense of my own thoughts and behavior in this.

Does anyone here relate?

Or. . .am I REALLY out there. . . ???
Finished

>>I became weak so he could be strong. I lost so he could win. I dimished so he could flourish.<<

When I was in business for myself I was his competitor. I hated it that I was doing better than him.

I shared a few of my business ideas which he sneered at. I was at a trade show and he was there . . . doing my idea. Copied some of my business stratagies, hired my employees, offered more pay, put a billboard over my business advertising his company (said he didn't order that one).

Then, I got in the trauma bonding phase and went to work with him. Never received anymore compensation or benefits than any other employee. You've gotta be thinking. . . what is the matter with that girl. I'm telling you I was a mess. Have been a mess for a long time.

I wanted to use my talent and ability so he would look good. I wanted him to shine. I worked very hard and spent alot of my own resourses. I don't think he has ever thanked me, now that I think of it. . .if he has it does not come to my memory. Now, just now. . . I see what I was looking for. Some appreciation. "The Unrecogonized Heart" that was the carrot. . . .appreciation and recognition.

That's all for now.

Posting this looks so sick. . .but that's the way it was. . .has been. . .past tense.

New beginnings for me.
finished

Finished,

You are not alone. I have done the same with an academic P that feeds on others for ideas to be published. I got him some opportunities with no thank you, no respect, no compensation. I was giving it all naively. I believe just like you said in one of the post, that he was slow and that I should be patient. I was so tolerant. Imagine...
In term of pattern, i think I always fall for one like that and than a normal person because i don t want to tolerate anymore suffering and it seems that i forget and it comes back. I think I know so much more that I can recognize the patterns.This last week I have learn a lot more with this forum. I still think of it but feel more better, more knowledgeable to say the least.I think that if we learn about the early phases, the catch phrases, if we learn to listen our friend's opinion, we could brake patterns.
feel better.

What I noticed with myself, is there is a general fear of men, deep in my subconcious. I was not aware of it on a concious level. Whether this is a state most women have towards men in our male dominant society or the result of sexual abuse as a child, I don't know. I suspect women defer to men as a general rule. Not only were we taught to as children, that males were more important. we get it ad nauseum as women in magazines, television, movies, etc... To be tolerated, in my town, in a male dominated business, was a landmark for me. Not accepted, but tolerated in the old boy network. You learn as a woman, not to show your brains. Men get intimidated by it. Men are stronger, men are more violent, men have more power,thats a given in our society. Is it any wonder we defer on a general basis to all of them. We've come a long way, baby, but we have much further to go.

One time in my store, I was sitting visiting with a male friend. I was sitting at my desk, behind the cash register. He was off to the side. A guy walked in trying to sell carpet cleaning. Instead of him asking me, if I would like to have the carpets cleaned, he asked my male friend.
He automatically asked my male friend, not me.


Had another male friend visiting at my store. Had a carpenter in to fix something in my store. He kept asking my male friend for instructions. I told him, "Look I hired you, this is my store, talk to me". My friend had not said a word. Hadn't dared to.Wouldn't even look at him. LOL. The carpenter continued to ask my friend for instructions. Finally I took the carpenter into another room away from my friend, again I repeated my instructions.I told him if he could not listen to me about what I wanted done, he would have to leave. Finally he listened to me and did the job..

Betrayed.

>I shared a few of my business ideas which he sneered at. I was at a trade show and he was there . . . doing my idea. Copied some of my business stratagies, hired my employees, offered more pay, put a billboard over my business advertising his company (said he didn't order that one). <


I can't tell you how many people have pulled the same one on me. They sneer at your ideas, and the next thing you know they are incorporating them. Never a thank you. Never an acknowledgement that you gave them the idea in the first place. And by sneering or pretending to not understand your ideas, they manage to get more information out of you. These are jealous, envious, people with no ideas of their own, who steal ideas and accomplishments from others. Small, little people that we are best to avoid.

I seem to be getting angrier every day, again that's a good thing.

Betrayed.

>>When I was in business for myself I was his competitor. I hated it that I was doing better than him.<<

Last night I posted that the P. said "Its you and me against the world". I think he met "Its you and me against each other". I was his competetor at all levels, and didn't even know it. I was not his enemy, only in his head. I was not out to get him, only in his head. I didn't want any other business partner, only in his head. I didn't want to control him. I just demanded respect and that is when the big "blow off" happened. I fought him back with words and actions. Once he knew I "knew" what he is about, then it really got bad. I told him, exactly what I thought. Many of the things I said are now things that I read on this forum. I didn't know that all those things were P. behaviors. His meaness fed off my anger. He told everybody "oh she is just emotional". He told me I was just jealous of his personality. Can you believe that, I would never want to hurt anybody the way he hurt me.

He often commented on how others in our business, at other companies, think they are better then us. Then it became a more close to home problem. He thought coworkers were acting as if they were better than him. He hated it. I found myself wanting to hide it when I got a new client, so I didn't have him hate me. I was starting to live outwardly, according to what I knew he was thinking. I needed to please him, I needed his approval. I definetly lowered my standards on some business deals, because I wanted to please him. Then I heard him say to one of his new unsuspecting targets "see, what I mean", after one of his shady deals. He knew I would do anything for him by then. He got a kick out of me lowering my standards, he knew when he first met me I wouldn't have done that for him, he knew he had power. I felt so guilty the next day, that I had to go make the business deal right, behind his back. He found out about it and just gave me his little evil smirk.

Really wierd now, I hope, I think we are out of the destroy mode, for now. Since I am not at the office, there is not interaction with him to get at me. I can't see all his little scenarios he builds up around himself. His phone calls, for the most part, are now civil. I still walk on eggshells, though. Don't want him to return to what I know he does best, and that is get revenge on me. (just a thought - revenge on me for what). I am in the limbo phase, and all I can do right now is try to heal, get my head cleared, keep myself safe emotionally, the best I can. I have big decisions to make career wise. I love Christmas time. I want to enjoy the holidays. So I'm not wanting to stir up any emotional BS right now with the P. Im going to hopefully just go with the flow through the holidays. In January I have to make a decision. Finacial issues are going to come up soon. Luckily I had some money saved up, so that I could work from home, and basicly take a long vacation, going on 3 months now.

Finished, I know we are on the right track. We will find our way through all of this. Especially now that we have this forum, where people truly understand.

betterway

> Now, just now. . . I see what I was looking for. Some appreciation. "The Unrecogonized Heart" that was the carrot. . . .appreciation and recognition. <


Replaying the drama/trauma with other people, what we never got from our parents. That is the appreciation and recognition. Unfortunately, we keep doing it with people we know subconciously will never give it to us. Repetition compulsion.

>>I became weak so he could be strong. I lost so he could win. I dimished so he could flourish.<<

This is what I did too. Slowly, gradually I lost myself and my truth. It was a replay of my childhood where to survive in my home with a Psychopath we had to be quiet, listen to his rages, and cowtow to his demands. I had to grow up much later than most people. I had to parent myself. I spent most of my 30's doing just that. It is a miracle that I am alive after living the way we did. I should be dead, or on the back ward of a mental hospital, or living out my life as an addict. I still wear the scars though. Because of the effects of Psychopathy, I truly have no close family member (other than my own children), to lean on, love me, and be supportive. It makes me feel so lonely and sad.

These patterns are deeply ingrained. Although, I am older wiser, educated and may "act" like a good communicator, I am somewhat naive. I see the good in people, and realize we all have issues, so I tend to be quick to forgive. Perhaps I still wear rose colored glasses. I am not hardened to the world. I am just not sure I will be able to discern enough to avoid involvement with another narcissist or psychopath.

I am scared. I am not sure if I will ever feel able or ready to have another relationship. My self confidence and self esteem is low when it comes to these types of personal relationships. The business relationships and female friend relationships I can do; it's the male/female ones that scare me and make me feel small.

Excuse me for rambling. My thoughts are rather jumbled.

Neverthesame