Hi Exhausted

It seems that my last comment that something would happen to take the decision to remove your son from your home out of your hands has occurred. Not the way anyone would wish though! How is your husband? Did anything happen to induce the ‘attack’ which I hope wasn’t a heart attack?

It does sound as though everything he does needs to be reported to the police, sherriff and social services if they are the organisation that steps in to help families in difficulties. Some of his actions must fall under the definition of illegal. If he was in juvenile detention then it would give you a little time to find a permanent solution for him. It is obvious he can no longer live with you and the other children, he is putting their lives in danger. One of his rages might get totally out of control and ‘accidents’ could happen,

From what you say I presume you have decided that your family can no longer live like this and I for one would fully support that decision and I’m sure many others here would too.
This boy has the freedom to make choices and if those choices destroy those around him then there is no other option but to remove him to somewhere less damage will be done. Rather than look at this from the negative side look at the positive and the wellbeing of the rest of the family. If one of the children got hurt because of him it would destroy you. You say you don’t know how long he would survive with his Samoan family but again that is his choice. He is not going to miss you or his siblings and if he doesn’t (which he won’t) try to make the most of a new opportunity with his family then that is not your fault. You could spend the rest of your life shielding everyone else from him but his other family may be in a better position to watch him closely.

Your husband will need a peaceful atmosphere at home to recover too.

I hope you managed to get some sleep.

Regards
Jan

Hello Jan, They did decide to keep him last night and will have a hearing this morning to decide if they will keep him longer. As far as sleep goes, he managed to convince the guard there to let him call me at 3:30 am and asked, "Oh, were you sleeping?" (I had been in a deep sleep finally.) Wanted me to bring him fresh clothes for when he gets out.
When he was put in the police car last night, he was crying and calling, "Mommy, noooo, don't let them take me away." I have put up such a wall now that it didn't affect me at all. I told the officer that it's part of his condition to act dramatic and that he tells me I'm not his mother all the time.
They won't keep him more than 30 days unless he commits a more serious crime such as murder, rape, armed robbery. I worry about him being locked up with more experienced criminals and learning their ways. I have tried to get help from social services before. I have to find somewhere for him to go by myself. If I sent him to Samoa, he would need a passport and permission from the courts to leave the country. They don't speak english, so that would be a huge obstacle. I don't know how the schools would work there either. Need to do some research.
You are right though, I think the hardest part of this whole thing is coming to terms with the fact that he doesn't really care and any any love he appeared to show was a ploy to benefit himself. I can't relate to that. But then I guess it's a good thing I can't relate, because then I would be like him.

Hi Shattered,

I wouldn't worry if they don't speak the same language, my feelings are that he will act like an angel with them at least in the beginning and feel like he has won. He has probably gotten or bled out of you what he wants and my guess is he would be glad to prove what a lousy mother you are in his eyes to find some new victims. I would focus on how to get him packed and out of your life. Your husband is a prime example with is health, people can only handle so much. I am sure you will enjoy the peace and safety more than the kid leaving. I would focus on an exit route and not worry about the schools etc.

Why on earth does your brother in law want to take him in?

You might inform the authorities that with 5 other children at home you cannot and will not accept calls during the middle of the night unless it is an authority and there is a sever problem, like he fell down the steps etc.

Please keep calling the authorites for absolutely everything he does. Get a recording device or better yet set up nanny cams in your home so you can document his behaviour.

Di

The judge placed a $5000 bail on him and the arraignment is tomorrow. Last night the county sheriff came out and interviewed my 2 children he had punched. My autistic child did a wonderful job telling his story. He has difficulties communicating and sometimes won't speak to people he doesn't know because he doesn't trust they'll listen long enough to hear him. Before the sheriff had a change to ask any questions, my 4 year old climbed up beside him and said, "_______ is mean to _____ and me." The sheriff wrote that down. One thing that I didn't expect, he went around and took photos of all the damage he had done to our home. Holes in walls, (every door has multiple holes on both sides and some hang on hinges from being slammed so hard), and stabs in furniture. I knew I would think of more once he left, like the chopped up countertop, and the beautiful tree he took a hatchet to. The sheriff asked me privately as he was leaving, what my options were for him to live somewhere else. I told him the delimna we have with children like this and that there really are no options.
I have been told by his probation officer that he should be spending far more time in detension than he has in the past due to the new assault charges. We'll see.
My husband came home from the hospital. It wasn't a heart attack thank goodness. Just a scary episode of high blood pressure.
The warden at the detension center, who knows us by now asked how he was and joked, "I can't imagine him having hypertension with _______ living there." He said to have peace about it, they know where he is every second of the day and he's safe in their care.
It's crazy that I can have been terrorized by the boy but still am heart broken because I love him. I have learned from abusive marriages that you can hate someone and love and miss them at the same time. Of course, if he were a husband, I'd have left him a long time ago.
Anyway, it's wonderfully peaceful here for now.

Hi Exhausted, what a relief that people are listening to you. With the kind of support you are getting from the police etc. things should be although hearbreaking but bring some well deserved peace.

You might want to take the additional pictures that were missed and send them to the officer who took the photos with approximate dates etc. This way it adds to the file all the destruction.

Di

Really glad to hear your husband home and is okay.

Hello Exhausted

That is good news about your husband. It will probably help your cause if having your son around can cause so much stress for him. It must have been obvious to the sheriff that your other children are in danger when he is near them. He will not want to ignore the possibility of something serious happening when it could be prevented.

It seems everything has come to a head and any decisions will be taken out of your hands.

Enjoy the peace.

Regards
Jan

Hi Exhausted,
How I know that feeling!!
I was completely down after I kicked my son out.... But after a week or 2 I was driving home and found myself with a huge smile on my face. Stopped right there and thought about why???? I didn't understand for there was no reasaon to smile...
I searched myself and found I was so happy to go to my house and there would be nothing to fear; Nothing would be broken, no one would threaten me...nothing...just peace and quite...
Untill this day i never have the radio on ( I don't even have one) I love my peace and silence....can you remember peace and silence???
Can you remember coming home without the fear...?

Another part is the question of love.... It was a huge struggle for me to look at that aspect of the whole hell i had been through....
did I love my son?? Do I love my son..??
Yes I did... and this in passed sence....
My son and me were close the first couple of years, or so I believed..(looking back I see different things, and know more of the signs..)But after that?
I found I loved my son for who he was those years but now?
Still in my mind there are 2 sons...( it's only one but this is how it feels) I miss the son I gave birth to, I miss the son I thought he was the first couple of years and that son I love...And that part of me is still hurting. But the person he is now... I don't think I can love some who's only goal is to hurt people, he is a real psychopath in everything he does, every move he makes and every action he takes....I just don't..
Isn't that a terrible thing to say? I am his mother, but that is only biologically... The rest of it...
The pain I feel as a mother..it is for that little boy I once had...

You probably already know...love isn't enough to raise a child.. Dear , we need so much more from them;..Loyalty, trust, forgiveness, interacting, understanding, etc etc etc.and it isn't there..
when you think about all treats that are needed to raise a child and you keep it next to the checlist you will see there is no way you will succeed..
Simply think of food...
When there is food in the house but someone likes to eat bread with marmelade, but there is just enough left for one slice..you can ask the others to leave it for that person.And they will.. but what does it take to have that will?
It takes loyalty with that particular person, it takes a concious to not do it anyway, it takes honesty, it takes empathy, and it takes caring about someone else...
A psychopath will not listen and take it anyway for they just lack all those things.....
These are needed all for being able to raise a child..It isn't there..so they will never learn..that is the curse of people who have to live with a psychopath.

I wish there will be a solution now...There is hope again I think...Just wait and see, don't get your hopes up too much but just work as much with the pilice now as you can..Save yourself and your family..and yes I know how difficult that is and it will give you pain to let go..but really..it is better!
Love Segaya

I've been in court today. This was just an arraignment where they put in a plea and assign an attorney. While they were getting him, the probation officer, asked me, "would you like to bring him home until the hearing?"
I gave him an incredulous look, (couldn't help it), and asked, "Is that
really an option?" He replied, "Well if they were to give you that
option...?" I just shook my head no. The judge kept him anyway. She
almost didn't because he had written a letter of appology. What is the
matter with these people?! I wonder if he murdered someone, if they
would give him a month or two and send him back home! I told the
attorney afterwards that he needs to live somewhere else. I was
shaking. He said he would check into it, and to go home and relax for
awhile.

I am so sorry for your situation, all of this must be terribly draining and doing the right thing in getting him out of your household can only bring peace and happiness once the shock is over for your entire family.

Does he have a key to the house?

Did someone encourge or ask him to write a letter of apology?

It must be a really hard decision but it doesn't appear that you have any choice, with this type of behavior it would only escalate and make it dangerous for the entire family.

All my best wishes and thoughts coming your way.

I don't want to make you feel like I am nagging in any way but would you consider calling the officer who took the pictures if he could come take some more. This keeps the chain of evidence intact which I thought about after suggesting you take the pictures. Keeping the officer in your court would be very helpful even if it a quick phone call on occassion to keep him updated on the situation as it unfolds.

Di

This has been a very peaceful week. Have been able to attend girl's camp with my daughter without worrying about someone getting hurt at home. My husband has gone to visit my son in detention twice and has asked if I want to go today. I just don't feel up to it. He has been put on the lowest level of security because of good behavior. Doesn't that show that he can control himself if he chooses? Court is Thursday.