Hello Exhausted

I get the feeling that no-one knows how to deal with B. He is behaving in a way that needs adult responses but he is only a child. It affirms the lack of knowledge about children with Conduct Disorder. It seems that he will have to do something terrible before he gets the attention he needs. Do you think his behaviour is getting worse because he is approaching puberty? Could it be increasing testosterone levels? His anger must be frightening because people in that heightened state of emotion can become out of control.

Do you record what he does either on video or voice recording? I'm sure people don't accept the real situation is as serious as it is. Even if they did there seems to be nothing available to help either the child or the family. They may be just empty threats but they may not so need to be taken seriously.

Hopefully because B is telling others about his thoughts of doing harm it will help you get some confirmation of what is going on in his head.

I used to think when my partner's kid was living with us that the only way he would be removed was for him to commit a crime serious enough for him to be locked away. I was concerned that someone would be hurt before that happened and seemed a high price to pay to get his behaviour acknowledged.
Once when he threatened to tell social services that he was mistreated my partner handed him the phone and even offered to dial the number for him. He was told that if he did he would be taken away and it would be put into care. If I was in that situation again I would ensure he he reported us to social services.


It must be like waiting for a volcano to erupt living with B, nothing can be done to stop the inevitable and you can't predict exactly how much damage will be done.

Regards
Jan

Hi , I think your best option might be if you choose is to get some of those "baby cams" to place around the house to capture those evil moments. It would be hard to dispute a live tape of him in action. They are under $50.00. Perhaps you might get in writing from everyone who he has exposed his vile thoughts. Unfortunately until he is 18 he can't get an evaluation outside of conduct disorder which is a polite way of saying young Psychopath. Also a timeline of when he had the conversation with the Teacher he was confiding in all the way down the line including the dates of what he was locked up etc. You could then back up what he does at home with tapes.


I feel very worried for your family and their safety. Do you keep in contact with his PO? He might be another person to write something up. I find setting up a timeline easier to manage using Excel.

You have very good reason to be afraid. I would get him on tape, show the police the damage and get him out of the home to kiddie prison so you can re group and pile up the evidence. Are you familiar with the police in your area?

My heart goes out to you and your family.

I think this is one of the worst case I have heard of in 10 years with the forum.

Keep us informed and even vent, together more heads thinking of your situation the better.

I never thought I would say this but I would consider an alarm outside his door.

Best regards,

Di

You both have good ideas. Thank you. I had the teacher write a letter about B's death threats on myself, my husband and another of my sons. I sent a fax to his Psychopath.O. with this letter and a copy of the summery of his psych report. I wrote on the cover page that he has written on the wall and dresser in the bathroom in large letters, "six feet deep". I reminded them that the court ordered this psych evaluation and it recommends that he not be placed back into the home environment due to the risk to his family. But they continue to send him back and we have no remedy. We are afraid for our other children and now for ourselves. I stated that he continues to abuse us, but if something serious happens, we will have to hold the court responsible.

That didn't come through right.I'm trying this again.

You both have good ideas. Thank you. I had the teacher write a letter about B's death threats on myself, my husband and another of my sons. I sent a fax to his Probation Officer with this letter and a copy of the summery of his psych report. I wrote on the cover page that he has written on the wall and dresser in the bathroom in large letters, "six feet deep". I reminded them that the court ordered this psych evaluation and it recommends that he not be placed back into the home environment due to the risk to his family. But they continue to send him back and we have no remedy. We are afraid for our other children and now for ourselves. I stated that he continues to abuse us, but if something serious happens, we will have to hold the court responsible.

That is a great approach, now I would step it up to the next level and start making calls to get your case at the top of their minds to get some action. I would start calling every few days, maybe twice a week.

Can you take photos of the new damage to send to his PO also?

Di

I spent the night in the emergency room with B last night. The night before he was threatening murder and walking around sharpening kitchen knives. He said there were 3 people he wanted dead and he wasn't going to tell me who. (I know he has been talking about wanting his dad dead and killing me in my sleep to other people.) I asked him
what he thought would happen to him if he killed someone? He said, "I watched the show where those two boys killed their father and they only had to be locked up until they were 18." He also has been writing "6 feet deep" on the wall and dresser in the bathroom. Yesterday morning I woke up to find a long serrated edge kitchen knife (which I hadn't been able to find for awhile) stuck in the molding on the other side of my
bedroom wall.
I went to Behavioral Health with Children's services and they said they couldn't see him because he isn't on a medical coupon. So I went up the street to the Crisis Clinic where they have to take you regardless of insurance. They told me to take him to the hospital. After hours of waiting, they sent over a Designated Mental Health Professional who has
the authority to commit someone involuntarily. He tried to get him into one of the two juvenile hospitals in the area, but he told me that even if he could, it would only be for 3 days and then I would have to testify at a hearing in order to keep him in for only another 2 weeks. I asked, "So you are saying that I have to stand up in front of my son
and tell people that I'm afraid of him and about all the behaviors he has; and then have him come back home in two weeks (if they keep him) and have him angrier at me?" He blames me for any time he is put in detention. He tells me on the way that if I say anything about him being bad to the judge and he gets put in detention, it will be all my fault. It couldn't have anything to do with his behavior in the first place right? Anyway, there wasn't room at any facility and they felt it was too dangerous to send him home, so they kept him in the emergency room all night. And since he is a minor, his parent had to
stay there with him. So at about midnight, they brought me in a stretcher right next to his for me to sleep on. I opened my eyes a couple of times to find him staring at me.
Then I took him to court. B was number 50 on the docket and the judge was being lenient with everyone; giving kids 3rd and 4th chances ( of course I can empathize with the moms who look tired and have to bring their kid back home). After all the information his probation officer has, (and he had said, "Don't worry, he won't be coming home
for 30 days,") he stood there wishy washy and said, "well, B is kinda having a hard time." So when his attorney said, "I think we should just hold the time over his head and have him come back in a couple of weeks," the judge agreed. Well, it was only a couple of
school suspensions they were looking at right? I turned around and gave the Psychopath.O. a desperate look and then he said, "Well your honor, you probably should ask his mom how he's been doing." I handed her his hospital release papers from that morning that said "Homicidal" on them and told her that they are trying to find a bed for him in a hospital but it isn't safe to send him home.She finally said, "Well B, we wouldn't want you to hurt yourself." (Um, did I say suicidal? no) At any rate, she decided to keep him,
pending finding a bed for him at a mental hospital. I don't know how long that will take. I talked to the crisis guy on the phone this afternoon and he is going to go interview B tomorrow. If he will voluntarily admit himself, it would be more likely they could get him in. We'll see. Any way you look at it, he will be coming home again in 30 days or less.

Okay, I get it. Everytime I just put the initials for Probation Officer, it turns the first letter into "Psychopath" for me. So it comes out Psychopath O. funny

Hello Exhausted

Talk about living on a knife edge, you literally are!

It makes you wonder what is going on in the society we live in where there is no help for a very disturbed, dangerous child who could physically harm others. Don't these people know the difference between suicidal and homicidal? Has B ever threatened suicide? Is there any way you can get a different diagnosis that would qualify him to be put somewhere secure and could suicide have been 'suggested' to enable this?

Is there any way you could just not go back and pick him up when the 30 days are up? Would they bring him back to your home if you didn't? This may sound extreme but if you don't collect him and they bring him back what about locking the doors and not allowing him back in?

Could there be some legal loophole that would give you some way of relinquishing your rights as an adoptive parent? Or some way of having him charged of an offense however obscure? I wonder if there are some medical lawyers who would have some knowledge of likely charges. Thinking laterally could the other children 'bring a charge' against him as they are in danger?

It is frightening to know that all the time B is not taken care of he is putting you all in danger and it's an accident waiting to happen. Who will be responsible for blame if that happens? Something will happen sooner or later as the boy's anger build up.

What about publicity of your case? In the UK we turn to out local member of parliament. Sometimes the threat of exposing inadequacies of people and agencies is enough to get some action to be taken. They don't want something bad happening in their patch, they have been voted in to represent their constituents so it's their job to find solutions.

I wish there was a way I could be of help to you and your family, it's so frustrating not being able to offer any practical assistance.


My thoughts are with you.

Jan

Hi Exhausted, it's me the camera person. Please do anything you can while he is away to arm your house with cameras that capture words, check your local regulations about the voice part. I know it is easy for me to say but I would be right on the phone with that Psychopath.O who said he would help and then shows up acting like a mouse.

B is not so smart, many times youths also take the chance of going to kiddy prison then transfered over to regular prison or tried as an adult. Premeditation happens within the blink of the eye, in your case it would also be more than premeditaion but a well laid out plan if you capture it on film. As I recall those two boys who murdered their father were also pushed along by the neighbor and I think they were much younger than B.

Pray there is some way that he doesn't return home and hound the authorities to put things in writing as far as evidence which would probably allow them to testify on your behalf. This isn't a kid with a problem this is danger running about. I bought my camera for the best price at www.overstock.com, the nanny cans are what you want to google. I would be grabbing that PO by his shirt collar and go after him for his mouse like appearance (not exactly saying so but you know what I mean.

I apologize in advance for hounding you about the cameras, just check and double check if the camera can have audio for evidence so it doesn't get tossed out as tainted evidence. There is a site online which lays out what states can do with video as far as evidence. It will be hard since you are such a kind person in a situation most of us can only imagine but I would hound whoever I could and hound them some more to get their written observations. GIve them deadlines and then hound them somemore to make sure they submit them. Make sure your camera has a date stamp to document all the photos etc. you turned over already to the authorities or get something in writing from them to not break the chain of evidence.

Is there anyway you could take a leave from work to get all this documented and ready? Can you find an attorny hopefully pro bono to represent you and your husband?

My sympathy goes out to you during this horrible, horrible doesn't describe it well enough but you are in our prayers.

Di

Please let us know any information you need researched, if you email me I will track down the camera information.

Hi Jan, He has been very clear that he is not suicidal. When he was much younger he claimed that he wanted to kill himself so he wouldn't hurt anyone, but he denies feeling that way now. I have recently considered contacting some kind of news agency to get some publicity for our situation and maybe some intervention. I know that would put all of our lives in further turmoil and public scrutiny. He can be so charming, what if he comes out the victim? I also know that I must protect the privacy of my other adopted children from their drug addicted mother. But I will have no choice but to scream it out if our lives are threatened any further.