Well, my fear came true my husbund was fired from his job.He has a pattern of job problems and loses.I was told in counceling it is because of the responsability his mother placed on him to meet her needs since he was a kid.So he has trouble handeling reponsabilities and being responsable for them in his life,which now includes me and our kids not just himself anymore.He needs counceling,but does not see it.His mother conditions him to be arrogant and feeds this so he will not see he has a problem and tell him it is others who are responsible or why did you get married to this woman and have kids with her?,and then he will continue to act out consiously and unconsiosly what she has programmed him to do for her.If he cannot find work that works we will have to move with her then it will not work there.I do not want to go through this,I hope he gets a job and it works out.I really believe my mother in law is has anti social personality,what kind of person mother,grandmother would do this?She is an expert at refracting onto me to get away with her behavoir she is hypocrtitical and very good at it.
Allie

Allie~

I'm sorry your husband was fired from his job. If you have to take advantage of all the resources that are available to you--DO IT--that is why they are there. Help is there for people who need it. It sounds like you love your husband and are frustrated by his BAD behavior. You have every right to be angry at him.

I'm afraid to ask but do you think your husband meets any of the characteristics on Dr. Hares Checklist? I do the checklist on everyone who comes into my life (mostly mentally, but sometimes I hand write it). I might be wrong but it sounds like your husband has the counselor conned (get a new one). You should know that 'CoP' isn't always a wife or a girlfriend. 'CoP' can be a man. 'CoP' can also be psychopaths mother.'CoP's' the worst! These relationships are twisted.


Stay Positive
Elizabeth E.


Holy Antarctica! I'm snowed.

Allie~

I get the feeling that I know you...LOL! Are you snowed in too? Do you live in my town?

Life is strange sometimes.

Is your name Elizabeth!

Hello Allie

That is bad news that your husband lost his job. Are you able to help keeping things afloat until he finds another job? Elizabeth may have some knowledge of the benefit system that could help you so perhaps we can ask her if she knows what is available and how to go about getting some help.

What I do find concerning is that your husband has a pattern of getting fired from his jobs, it’s not much different to him leaving jobs because he can’t cope with the work.
I can see why Elizabeth suggested looking at Hare’s checklist in relation to your husband because the first thing that came to mind are things like:
Irresponsibility
Lack of realistic long term goals
Failure to accept responsibility for own actions

And that is just about his working patterns. He doesn’t seem to give you much support, would that be fair to say?

I found it very strange that a counsellor gave that opinion on why he fails to accept responsibilities now. Surely it would be the opposite?

Do you have to move in with your MIL? Or is that what he tells you? Maybe you should let him do that if he thinks it’s a solution to your problems and you stay where you are.
You sound weary and probably worn down by him and his family. Have you considered it might not be your MIL who is the real problem?

How much of the disagreement with your MIL is what your husband has told you rather than you witnessing for yourself? I noticed in your previous posts he excuses and gives’ reasons’ for her behaviour rather than support you. Maybe he is not being very honest with you? Maybe what the counsellor said was his interpretation of what he wants you to hear?

Yes, taking back control of your life will help you not to be so accepting of what other say and do.

I hope you don’t feel we are adding to your burdens by suggesting you look at your husband’s behaviour. By taking a closer look at what is going on won’t change the facts, if he is a good man with some weaknesses then seeing that won’t change him but will allow you to see things more clearly.
From what you have said you are a very caring person and worry about what people think of you but others should respect you, especially your husband. There is nothing wrong with expecting that just as there is nothing wrong with you taking care of your own needs first. Once you feel in a position that allows you to take some control of your life your confidence and self esteem will grow.
It doesn’t make you a bad person if you feel your husband actions need mending, you are not being disrespectful or disloyal but it is a two way street. If he doesn’t provide the support you need then you can do the same.

Your situation with your MIL makes much more sense when you consider your husband in the equation.

Do you think you have more to tell us about him?

Regards
Jan

No, Even though I realize my husband has problems of his own outside his mother. I have went to extensive counceling due to my husband being emotionally incectualized by his mother.I knew his mother before he and I were together and married.So I have some knowlede of the dinamics in thier family.He has manifested problems from his mother putting onto him the surrogant spouse.MIL has 4 other sons, two who also have similar problems with job problems and repeated loses like my husband.The councelor said it would be hard for my husband to have a relashonship with me because of the way his mom raised him.The counceling I recieved was years ago and some 6 months ago.Job loses are one of the ways the manistification has occured.I have given it some thought about my husband and anti social behaviour,but I do not see that for him like I do his mom,maybe he has learned these patterns from his mother.
Thanks allie

Allie~

As per help with electricity and heat there is Energy Assistance. It is for low income families. They will even help you pay your mortgage and rent if you need it. From my research I have noticed it differs from state to state but help is there.Health insurance is free if you qualify. The Catholic church is also a great place to go if you need assistance (even if you aren't catholic). Don't be proud just take the help if you need it. That is why it is there:)

Please bare with me...The first thing I don't like and I know Jan will agree with me on this is that Martha Stout using the word sociopath blames the person's illness on the environment more so. I bought her book and wasn't satisfied with it. I disagreed with her on a lot of things. She should write a book on self motivation instead. She's not right about everything in her book. It makes me a bit up set because she has a PhD and teaches at Harvard. She not right about the people she peaks of in this book. Not only that she wrote the "Myth of Sanity" which is a major BITE off of Hervey Clecky's "Mask of Sanity". The nerve people have?

Your MIL has issues. Men can be dependent on their mothers. Co-dependents are usually less obvious than the psychopath. A 'CoP' FOOLED me for 25 years.

Stay Strong
Elizabeth E.

Thank you, we have already applied and recieved energy assistane,and are getting help out from local churches.

I do agree with you my husband is dependent on his mother.That is why I went for some counceling 6 months ago.I just could not understand why my husband is so dependent, won't cut the apron strings so to speak.The councelor said it is bacause my husband's mother has always been there in his life to pick up the pieces.He chooses to not let go and grow up completly from her.My MIL knows this and this has given her great power in our marriage like our marriage is with her too,not just between he and I.It is very frustrating!He makes progress then always goes back to mom like he has been trained to by her.BUT I do know even if this is how he was raised it is still his CHOICE!That is why at times I feel like and think he does not love me and the kids enough to "cut the apron strings".He fits the decription psycologists call a "Mommy's Boy".But he denies this and says his brothers are that way not him.The most deceptive thing of all is my MIL says that her son always holding on to her going back to take her by the hand so to speak is perfectly natural and she and my husband are not doing anything wrong,that it is me comming inbetween them.I mean from the outside it sure looks this way,but it is not.How do i show people the truth?This woman is good,she knows how to make her fairy tales and lies reality.I'm not buying it!!!!!!!!!
Thanks,
Allie

Hello Allie

It’s good to hear you are being given some help and financial support.

It looks like the only reason you have a problem with your MIL is because of your husband, so that is what needs to be addressed first.
Has he always clung to his mother since you met him or has he gravitated back to her more recently? Do you know if she really says the things he tells you or could he be telling you what he wants you to hear? Why would he tell you things that upset you, what does he get out of it? What reasons does he give for going back to her and what does he go for? Does he just spend time with her?

I don’t see what possible excuse a grown man and a father himself could have for putting his mother first before his family….regardless of his upbringing. As you rightly, say it’s his choice. What about your choices, what about your childrens' choices? If he is neglectful of your needs then that is irresponsible as well as immature.
Do you have direct contact with your MIL without him being there? Do you know if he is the cause of the problems between you and her? Do you know what he tells her about you, like he tells you about her? Have you considered that she may have a perception of you is created by him? It makes me wonder what he gets out of perpetuating this friction between you and her and why his is manipulating this situation. The fact that he blames others for the things he does is called projection.

The answer to that would be to speak to her without him around and find out what he has been telling her and tell her your feelings about what is going on. If you find that he has been supporting you when he is with her then that will show you that he is just dare I say it….selfish….and cruel for reporting unpleasant things that upset you. Would you ever tell him if your family had said unpleasant things about him? I doubt it, you would keep it to yourself so you didn’t hurt his feelings.

This situation is making you insecure as you feel he is neglecting your needs because he doesn’t love you enough. I don’t suppose he loves him mother more than you so this is a problem caused by him that he needs to rectify. It doesn’t sound as though you can expect him to take any responsibility for his actions so the only thing you can do about that is respect yourself if he can’t respect you. It must be like having another child rather than a partner.

Do you think to yourself that maybe he wants to leave your marriage and that is what is making your insecure? What is he providing for the family and not just finances?

I don’t think you will ever have a smooth relationship with your MIL while your husband is in the middle. Maybe the best you could hope for anyway is to keep your distance from her and let him do as he pleases.

Take care of yourself and your family as you are the one holding it together.

Regards
Jan

Thank you Jan.It is like having another child not a spouse.One of my sister and brother in laws told me that I am married to an adolesent,and his brother asked me over Christmas how was it being married to a kid.Why is my husband the screw up inmature one?not his brothers?As disfuntional as it is I think he doesn't want to hurt his mother or I so he doesn't choose sides.But I think he likes it to,two woman fighting over him so to speak.I think you are right he keeps telling me kiddingly that he will replace me with a new younger model.Well let me tell you no one would put up with him,he would have to treat them right!The councelor told e he looks for ways out of his responsabilities in his marriage and family.And his mom always makes excuses for him and blames others not him.

He has always been tied some what ti his mother.His mother is basocally a trouble maker that does not like her son and I together and wanted him with her and he chose me over her.But now look what I get!He's no good for a marriage he is gfor a mother and son relashonship!His mother has told me he married and had kids too early at 22yrs.that is why he is this way.I said he is in his 30's now he has had plenty of time to grow up.What a dishonest woman she wants him to be tied to her for her needs.Shae talks out of bothside of her mouth!But I know she can;t make him do antthing he doesn't want to do.I think sometimes if he got counceling he could grow and change,but that would take a mature man to see he needed help!He basically is just a provider,at times he is good with me and the kids,but he puts everthing onto me.He says if he earns the money the other jobs are me.His mother basically had what I have in her marriage.You think she would be simpathetic,but she's not it's her son so she protects him!He is grown now not a kid you think she would stand on what is right,instesd of turning things against me when she knows it is her son.But I think she dousn't because she wants her son and herself blameless for eachother.He puts everthing onto me in our marraige and family,then his mother puts everthing onto him because of her similar marriage and family with his Dad,then has no empathy for me.He and his mother are alike they blame others all the time.And the both of them blame me not themselves.It is always someone else that blames others never them.It is like my MIL wants her son to just like her.
Thanks for lisenting to me vent!
Allie

he has always been tied to his mother.from the very beggining of our relashonship his mother was jelous.She would do what she could to get his attention,to get it off of me.Then she would bad mouth me so he wouldn't want to see me again.So he would give her attention when she would try and get it,so he would not hurt her feelings.And when he did not meet her need for attention she would get upset either anger or victim and even cry to him.

Lately she said to me in front of her friend that she use to get nice crads from her son until he was with me,her friend said nothing.She hints in front of others that her son talks to her and always has and use to spend time with her.But my husband said he would go upstairs to get away from her when he lived with her,and he could see why his brother moved upsatirs befor he did to get away from her.It was an add on room detached from the house.She also hints to others he does not want to be married to me and with children,becuase of the responsability.BUT by some meraculous reason of course he wants the reponsability of his mother is what she hints infront of others.I think it is wishful thinking on her part.Why would he go from me and our kids to her willingly or by default of her sabbotage.What is she thinking if he were not with me,he would not be with her.I guess that is what she is really trying to convence others of that her son is better off with her than me.That is bull crap she was destroying her son before he was even with me.she has made comments that if i lived her son i would let go of him.but she is his mother amd that relashonship will always be.
Allie