Hi everyone. I'm a new member today. I've read a lot of the postings, and it's good to know there are other women out there in my position who are doing something about it.

I'll make my story short. I've been married to a Psychopath for five years. We have a 3-year old boy and a nice house.

I'm getting to the point where I can't take his lies anymore. I keep finding marijuana paraphernalia around the house, he drinks like a fish, I found condoms in his car, and he's spending all of my money.

I know that if I leave him, he'll have my son taken away from me. He already tried to have me committed to a mental hospital. HE ACTUALLY CONVINCED MY SISTER THAT I WAS CRAZY AND GOT HER TO SIGN PAPERS AGAINST ME!!!!! Of course, that failed, but I was taken out of my home in the middle of the night by police - and I had to go to work the next day (which I did - on no sleep). I know he'll make me seem like the crazy one and make up some story against me.

I can't afford to move out. I have a mortgage and TONS of credit card bills. When I met him, I was debt-free. He had just filed for bankruptcy. You'd think I would have seen the red flag. All of the credit cards and bank loans are in my name. I paid off his car, etc... I'm stuck here and don't know what to do.

He's gradually been stealing stuff from me so he can buy liquor and cigarettes. He smokes about 2 packs a day. He won't quit. I've taken away his bank card because he'll buy stuff and not give me the receipts. Then, when a check bounces, I find out. (I can now go to my bank account on-line.) I had this incredibe coin collection - all of the new quarters, tons of half dollars, silver dollars, bicentennial quarters, quarters that date back to 1920, old dimes and indian head nickels - TONS OF THEM!!! HE SPENT THEM ON CIGARETTES!!! I could go on. I was supposed to make this short.

I have to hide anything worth value.

What should I do? I'm afraid to go to a lawyer or put the house up for sale. I can't afford to go anywhere else until some of these bills are paid off. He knows that I think he's a Psychopath because I've told him. He denies it, just like he denies everything else - "It's all in your mind - you're crazy" he says.

I've read "The Mask of Sanity" and I've worked for psychiatrists. I've known he was a Psychopath for a long time but I didn't think he would actually do stuff against me. He is a serious cleptomaniac - he'll steal anything from anywhere. We went to my parents' house for Passover dinner, and he stole a yamaka - just because. ??????????????

Anyway, I'm stuck and I need help. Can anyone help me find a place to start?

Thanks.

Hi mk444

You have come to the right place for some support. I'm in the UK so don't have any experience with US law situations but no doubt Di will. When she reads your post I'm sure she will know what to advise to begin with.

In the UK it seems that you would be able to change the locks and get an injunction to keep the person out of your home if you had concerns for your safety. Your son is a priority so would the marajuana situation give you a weapon to use against this man? Whatever you do keep a diary of everything that happens as you will need it at some time. Is the house in your name only or joint names? It might be a start to ask the credit card companies to defer any interest and offer topay them what you can afford. Do you have any agencies in the US that can negotiate this for you? We have Citizens Advice Bureau so I presume you have something similar.

Also tell your family what is going on (warts and all) because you will need their support, tell friends too however uncomfortable it feels as they will be your backup.

I will give your problem some thought and come back to you as it's nearly midnight here. I know it's impossible not to worry but you are now sharing this problem with people who will try to help as much as we can so it's not the burden it might have been.

Jan

Hi Jan.

Thanks for your nice response. Well, as far as the debt is concerned, I've already refinanced the mortgage, which is in both of our names. I have a low interest rate on that and have lowered my monthly payment by about $500. Also, I've paid off high interest credit cards and have only low interest ones now, but they total over $40,000. The weird thing is that I don't have anything to show for it. What he does is he keeps spending too much out of the checking account with no regard to how we're going to pay the bills. I then have to take cash advances from MY credit card to cover our monthly bills.

I agree that my son is the #1 priority. I can't use the marijuana against him because there's no proof that it's his. If I go to the police with bowls, pokers, baggies, seeds, etc., the stuff is in my possession!! He could make it look like I'm trying to set him up. He also drinks a lot of liquor. He'll drink a half of a fifth of vodka in one night. Do you know how much that is???? If I drank that much at one time, I'd be dead!!!! He never even seems to be even a little intoxicated. There's a chapter on that in "The Mask of Sanity." I don't like the idea of my son smelling alcohol on his breath all the time. AND - tonight after I posted my first message - my son comes up to me with something in his hand and says, "Mommy, what is this?" IT WAS A BAG OF POT THAT HE FOUND ON THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR!!!!! I told my husband that I've had enough and there will be no more drugs in this house. He says, "Why are you making such a big deal about it? Why can't you be cool? It's just a little pot?" Yeah, but it's ILLEGAL!!!! I don't want to go to jail or have my son taken away because of it!!!!!! He obviously doesn't seem to care about that.

In terms of letting friends and family know what's going on, I have typed a Last Will and Testament and forwarded it to my mother, just in case something happens to me. I've also printed off a lot of info on Ps that I'm going to give to my mother so she can fully understand what I'm dealing with. My best friend is also aware of the situation. My sister, the one he convinced to have me committed - well, she's not intelligent enough to know what's going on. She smokes pot herself. I think that's something that they have in common and he somehow used that to get her on his side.

I've already taken a lot of my personal belongings out of the house and have bags packed for my son and me with plenty of necessities just in case we have to get out in a hurry. We can always go to a motel room for one night if we have to. He does get violent when I threaten to leave, though. He threatens to slash my tires and he takes my car keys. But I've already made copies of all my important keys so if he takes them, I can still leave when he lets his guard down.

There are so many things he has done in the time I've known him - 7 years total - that I know he has lied about. I gave him the benefit of the doubt so many times. He always says, "What have I ever done to you? I love you. I live my life to please you." He has never ever done anything I've ever asked him to do!!!! He doesn't care about my needs - and I don't really ask much of him. All I want him to do is clean up after himself and keep the house clean. He can't even do that. We live in a log home. It's beautiful. But it's turning into a sh-t hole because he breaks everything he touches and doesn't fix anything. I've been repairing broken things in the house and fixing damaged wood, using wood filler, staining, buying new latches, knobs, etc... so that when the time comes when I'm forced to sell the house, maybe we can get a profit on it. He always says he'd be happy living in a shack. "Love is all you need. I don't care about money." he says. Well, he can live in a shack after I leave him. And I think the only reason he married me was for my money. He has everything he could ever want. Of course he doesn't want me to leave him - I'm his meal ticket.

I'm worried about when I do leave him and file for divorce and try to sell the house. I know he will fight hard and nasty. He's an incredible liar and manipulator and he can make anyone believe him.

Well, I'm tired now. I'll write more tomorrow. I look forward to more suggestions. Thanks.

Hi RNK444,

Welcome to the forum, thanks for sharing some of your story. I am so sorry for what you are going through... it sounds awful to have to be ever watchful of your resources while he just uses them up. Typical of a P's sense of entitlement to take without ever giving in return. It certainly does not sound like a healthy environment for you or your child, and you already have taken the first step by recognizing that fact.

His little stunt on attempting to make you appear the crazy one is also very P typical. They just love to play the victim and project that their target is the problem. It is great that your sister was not fooled by his lies, and I hope you are enlisting her support on your quest to be free of his insanity. It is so very important for you to develop a support system for you and your child and not let the shame of his behavior isolate you. Is she in a position to help you maybe by sharing housing expenses or providing a safe haven should you need one?

If I may ask is your P abusive (verbally or otherwise) and are you physically safe with your current living situation? That is always concern number one, to make sure you are safe from harm.

It sounds like you have already taken steps to protect against further financial damage from his spending... I trust you have had his name removed from any and all financial assets. Is your home in your name only? I can relate to wanting to be rid of debt before taking further steps to be free, however, it sounds like that may not be worth waiting for. Does he hold a job and contribute to the household expenses at all?

I am currently supporting my best friend leaving her P husband after many years of abuse, so I'll share a few things we have learned along the way. First, set up a "freedom fund" to be used when you actually leave for legal fees, apartment deposit or anything else that only YOU have access to. She built hers up by squirreling away tidbits here and there, selling items on e-bay and eliminating unnecessary expenses (magazines etc.) and managed to stow away a nice little nest egg for her escape.

Second do not share your intention to leave with the P... as that will only make him go to extremes to throw up roadblocks every step of the way. Meanwhile find a lawyer to discuss the situation with, most will give you a free one hr consult. Have an accounting of your financial situation for him/her to review, along with a list of the major factors in your deciding to leave. Sadly you cannot just change the locks to be done with the P, and would have to first file either divorce or separation papers. I would recommend when you get to the point of filing those papers that you simultaneously file in family court for both custody and child support. Depending on your finances perhaps you would be able to keep your home by doing this, or could get a roommate to keep a stable home for you and your son.

I know it is tough to do but forget about convincing him that he is a P... in the end it doesn't really matter, and could only serve to further aggravate his behavior. You need to be all about you and your son, and keep focused on the restoration of financial stability to your lives. Keep reading and posting here, you will find endless support and validation for your experience, and we all will find joy in you reclaiming your life.

Meantime try your very best not to react to his constant efforts to keep you off balance. That is their favorite tool.... clear thinking and planning go a long way to defeat the P. Like Jan said keep a journal of events that transpire, build your support network, and try through the chaos to keep your eye on the goal of being free and happy like you deserve.

The most difficult journey begins with a single step... you have taken that by recognizing things are not right or good in your life. Keep on reaching out and taking baby steps forward and your P can be in the rearview mirror where he belongs. God bless...

Love & hugs,

SFH23

Hi rnk444

Whatever you do, don’t you be the one to leave…..it’s him that’s got to go.

You sound so together and organised that I’m sure you will find the ingenuity to deal with this.
As I said I don’t know how things work over in the US but it doesn’t seem right that you would be the one charged with possession in you handed in his stash, is there a way round that like getting the police to call “unexpectedly” when he is using the stuff.

Why are you afraid to go to a lawyer? Has there been any violence? If there has been violence then you have grounds for getting him kicked out. We can get a court injunction to keep the violent person out of the house then we can change the locks. The injunction usually tells the person not to come within a certain distance of the house or they can be charged. Do you have anyone who can come and stay at your house with you to not only see what is going on but also be there as back up when you decide that it can’t go on any longer?

Over here a woman has the right to stay in her house and doesn’t have to sell until the child reaches 18-does it work like that in the US? If it does then this could be your route. He is a parasite and once the host stops providing then he will go elsewhere. Has he got any family who he has contact with?

Did he bring much to the marriage financially and do you know how the courts would allocate funds should you divorce or sell the house.

Sorry there are so many questions but I’m just trying to get a feel for your background and how things work where you are.

The other thing to do might be to set up a hidden video camera for evidence. It’s not as hard as it sounds as I did it once to catch an employee who was stealing from my business.

I think the best thing to do is to let EVERYONE around you know what’s going on and keep up the anti on him by getting a little army of mates behind you who back up what you say. Moan to everyone to as a chance to let them all know about the significance of what he does, even the little things. I have heard it said so many times that “all kids do that” about my partner’s P son but his kid does absolutely everything that other kids do and more. Loads more!
At first people used to think I was hard and intolerant but when they heard me like constant dripping tap they began to realise exactly how much this kid was doing and started seeing things for themselves. At this point I could sit back and let them make the observations. Although at first (like I did too) they couldn’t quite believe what they could see and doubted themselves thinking they had been mistaken. Now there are no doubts as they are all alert to the situation.

Ps don’t change so as much as you don’t want to here this don’t count on things getting easier. Things might for a week or so to lull you into a false sense of security to get you off his case but then things either go underground or re-emerge even worse than they were before.
You seem to have accepted the fact that you won’t be together much longer as you have made so many plans but I can’t say forcefully enough…..do not leave your home….you will find it hard to get back in if you do. Believe me – it’s taken me 3 years to even get into my house to retrieve the few personal possessions that my ex had left. It’s another story but I’m back in my house full time now but the court could still decide it has to be sold.

The plan should be to get rid of him. I shall keep my thinking head on and get back to you. I hope in the meantime some of your fellow Americans can help you out with the legal side of things.

I’m amazed at your strength and resilience.

Best regards
Jan

Hi SFH23. I've read some of your story, and you sound like you've gone through a terrible time. Thank you so much for caring about my situation. You have given me some great advice.

I don't think I can count on my sister for anything, so that's a dead end.

My parents....... Here is the situation with them. I have always been independent. I've always had a job and supported myself. I've always had my own apartment and never had any debt. I have one credit card with a $30,000 credit limit on it. When I met my husband, the balance was $0. I've always worked hard, paid my bills, lived on a budget. I've never had to go to my parents for money, EVER. - until I met my husband. I've always prided myself on being independent and intelligent and being able to take care of myself. Do you know how humiliating it is to have to ask your parents for money? Well, I'd say they've given me close to $10,000 in the past five years. Just to keep me from losing the house. I think they actually like the fact that "I need them" and they've told me that they'll support me in whatever decision I make. I've told my mother everything, but I don't think she really understands what a P is, or if she even believes me. I'm in the process of gathering mounds of literature to give her. My parents know that I might be forced to pick up and leave at a moment's notice. My father isn't as willing to help monetarily as my mother is and he gives me flack saying "This is the last loan." (which he never asks me to pay back) My mother, on the other hand, has given me money from her own account without him knowing. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M EVEN SAYING THIS!!! This is not the kind of person I am. I'm supposed to be self-sufficient. I can take care of myself. - Yeah, I can take care of myself, my son and my cats - if I didn't have this P sucking the life out of me. Anyway, I'm going to see if I can get my mother to maybe pay for an apartment for me until I can sell the house. It's a long shot, but I don't really see any other options. A roommate?????? I don't know, with my son. I can't seem to trust anyone right now. And all of these pedophiles out there. I'm scared to death.

My husband does work. He holds down a steady job, but I'm lucky if I can get $450 a week from his paycheck to pay bills. He keeps the rest and I have no idea what he does with it. As I mentioned before, I took away his bank card, and he has no access to the checks from our joint account. I have to keep the joint account open so he can deposit money into it. Two thoughts..... First, he's always asking me for the bank card because he needs to get gas. He has his own cash!!!!! He asks me for cash to buy beer, cigarettes and gas. What is he using his own money for??? Here's a funny story. At one point, I was giving him cash instead of the bank card because he'd come home with 10 receipts in one day. I'd give him $30 to get gas. (This was before the prices were so high - but not too long ago.) Okay, that should last him a week, give or take. But, he'd only put $10 in the tank and spend the rest. One night, he ran out of gas on the highway on the way home from work because he used his gas money to buy cigarettes!!!!! He was to embarrassed to call me to come get him. He walked all the way to a gas station, claims that he begged for money, and said someone finally gave him $5. He bought a gas can and some gas and walked all the way back to his car. I believe the part about him running out of gas. I don't know if I believe how he got the money to get gas, though.

Second, I keep the joint account open. He deposits whatever amount of his paycheck he feels like depositing. He won't hand the check over to me. Fine. I'm okay with that. I then pay whatever bills I can and transfer as much as I can into my personal savings account. I have over $2,000 in there already, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to use it to pay property taxes. Oh that reminds me. Listen to this!!!!! He used to only give me $400 a week from his paycheck because he claimed he was depositing $50 a week into a savings account for our property taxes. He was doing this for a year. $50 a week times 52 weeks = $2,600. Right? Well, he wasn't asking me for money as often and I got suspicious. I got lucky and found his passbook lying around. I got his account number and signed on to his account online. He didn't even know he could access his account online, so he had never created a password. I created one and got into his account. Guess how much money was in there? $39. It seems that he was depositing $50 every week just like he said. So he wasn't lying. However, he was taking out $40 here, $50 there, $60 here, $100 there, THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!! Of course when it came time to pay our property tax - I was screwed. I had to borrow money from my parents again.

But I do have that money for now. I also have about $10,000 available credit on my credit card and I was thinking about taking a cash advance. But then I'd have a higher monthly payment on the credit card. It's a vicious circle. If I could only win the lottery and pay off all the bills. In addition to the credit card, I have two home equity loans totalling over $30,000. It's a mess. How did this happen? "Honey, the tractor is broken. We need a new one. Honey, this crappy leaf blower broke. We need a new one." Well, if you didn't try to move the gravel in the driveway with the tractor, you wouldn't have broken off the blades. If you would have put the leaf blower away and not left it in the driveway, you wouldn't have run over it with your car. He has absolutely no regard for material things. He's a user-upper and a waster. One of the things that really bugs me (that's an understatement) is the fact that he needs new glasses every year. He breaks them!!!!!! I spend $250 on a pair of glasses that he sleeps in, throws on the floor, never goes to get adjusted. Then he says, "These are the worst, cheapest glasses I've ever had." WELL TAKE CARE OF THEM!!!!!!! He doesn't take care of anything. He breaks everything and just doesn't care. We have this really nice Jenn-Aire indoor grill. He decided he was going to use the grate from this grill on an outdoor fire and make hamburgers. I told him that I didn't think that was the best idea because the fire would be too hot. "It's metal, this is what it's used for." he says. Well, of course, HE MELTED THE GRATE!!!! I had to buy a new one for $89. I could tell you over a thousand stories just like that one. THEY ADD UP!!!! It seems he has absolutely no common sense. Are they all like that? If he's so intelligent, how can he do something so stupid? He does stuff like all the time. He is like a child. I can't afford it anymore. He blames my son and the animals for breaking things, and for the house being so dirty all the time. Do you know that my son, 3 years old, is like Felix Unger. He puts everything away and if he sees a piece of dirt on the floor, he gets the broom and tries to sweep it up. He's so sweet. My husband makes ALL of the dirt in the house. My dog, five cats and baby are all cleaner than this one man. I don't get it. I can't keep up anymore.

In terms of our safety, my husband threatens to kill me if I take our son away from him. He threatened me this morning. I think he is all talk, though. You know, he brags about his prowess, but never uses it. He's just trying to scare me, but it won't work. He has never scared me. But it's not about me anymore - it's about my son. I can't have my son hearing talk like that. I have the means to leave at a moment's notice if I have to. We could stay at a motel for one night if we need to until he cools down. Of course, he'll say he's sorry and he'll change. Right.

About your e-bay suggestion. It's a great one. I'll look into it. I've already eliminated as many unnecessary expenses as I possibly can. I got rid of call waiting, caller ID, etc...... If my husband would stop smoking, let's see - $4.50 a pack times two packs a day = $9 a day times 30 = $270 a month. That's a big expense I could do without!!!!!!!

Yes, baby steps. I'm going to have to take baby steps. I can't do it all in one night. Right now I'm concentrating on getting all of my stuff out of the house - so he can't sell it or break it. I can't believe he spent my coin collection. That was my absolute proof that he was a P.

Please write more. You are helping so much. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!

rnk

Hi rnk444, welcome to the forum.

I would re think your objection to seeing an attorney. There may be many things you can do regarding the house etc., or worst case at least understand your rights in your state. I know in no contest states everything gets split down the middle, i.e., if he has been clever enough to open a new charge account without your knowledge, until you file for divorce you are on the hook for 1/2 the amount. There will also be laws in your state regarding eviction. Jan is right on, don't give up the house, what would the value be after a slob of a P lives there, your property value could be affected.

I would think long and hard before I would keep any cash assets in your name right now. I am not encouraging law breaking but why give up more than you will be forced to?

Di

Hi Di. Thanks for responding.

I don't think he would be able to open a charge account because he filed for bankruptcy in the past. If he did open a charge account, they wouldn't give him a limit past $1,500. Anyway, the statements would come to the house and I'd see them. I have programmed our internet settings so I can see where he's been, just in case he's trying to get on-line statements. He prides himself on being a computer genious, but I've never seen it.

About the house, I don't think there's any way I can get him to leave. I have no legal reason to kick him out. I have no proof of anything, as you all are well aware. No one will believe me. Let's say I do go to a lawyer. How long will it take before something is done? I can get separation papers drawn, sure, but he won't agree to anything. He wants joint custody of our son, period. He's threatened to kill me if I try to take our son away from him.

I have to think about my son's safety right now. I think that means I have to get him out of here. My husband refuses to leave. I know in my state, the law says that if I abandon my house, my husband and even my son, that will in no way affect the outcome of a custody trial. He can't use that against me, especially if I left to protect myself. (That I'd have to prove though.) Now my husband, on the other hand, would gladly make up some story that I was violent to get ME kicked out of the house. That's what he did to convince my sister and the police to have me committed. He told them that I came after him with a knife. It was a total lie. He convinced my sister, though, and they had two signatures on the paper. That was enough for them to take me away. He keeps saying that he can use that against me. Can he? They found nothing wrong with me and ordered us to go to counseling. We went one time, and then he refused to go back. Oh, the reason he tried to have me committed? Because I wouldn't give him $5 to buy a pack of cigarettes.

I've just emailed my mother and asked her for help. I'll let you know what she says. She's out of town this week and won't get my email until Monday. Of course I'm seeing her on Sunday for Mother's Day and I'll just tell her that I emailed something to her.

Do you suggest that I just act like everything's okay? That always seems to make him happy. And then just leave one day? Is that what I should do? But my son found a bag of pot!! I can't do it anymore. You know, that's another thing. How could he leave a bag of pot on the living room floor? He says it fell out of his pocket. Is he that stupid or DID HE WANT ME TO FIND IT??? He lies about so many things and then leaves telltale signs that give him away. Do Ps do that on purpose? Is it so he can get a reaction out of me? Like he'll tell me that he quit smoking, and then I'll find a cigarette unflushed in the toilet. He's also not allowed to smoke in the house, too. Would he do something like that on purpose? This is some of the confusing behavior that I can't figure out. It's like he wants to be caught. Well he knows there's not really going to be any punishment. Sure I might get mad, yell at him and call him an idiot, but that's all that happens. So he really is getting away with it. I think he wants me to know that he's getting away with it. What a sick mind.

Everyone - PLEASE WRITE MORE. Thank you so much.

Jan,
I just now saw your message.

He came into the marriage with a newly filed Bankruptcy. That's all he had.

I suppose I could place a hidden camera somewhere, but he is so paranoid, he'd find it. And when he did find it, he would smash it into a million pieces and probably throw it through the window. As of right now, he's done a good job of covering his tracks. He's been telling everyone that I'm the violent one and the crazy one. It's his word against mine.

I'm listening to everyone's advice about NOT LEAVING THE HOUSE. I don't know. That's a tough one. I've made enough repairs on the house where if I sell it now, I can make DOUBLE what we paid for it. And considering that everything would be split right down the middle, after all the bills are paid, we could both walk away with $20,000 in our pockets. That's splitting everything evenly!!!! BUT, he won't go for my getting custody of our son.

I love this house, but what's more important, this house or my son leading a happy life?

Write more, please.
r

Hello rnk444 !

I am pressed for time at the moment, but I wanted to quickly say hello. Your relationship sounds like my marriage in so many ways. Of course I guess any relationship with a P is pretty much like the others.

ANYWAY, you asked "Do you suggest that I just act like everything's okay?".

My advice is a resounding YES ! Slap on your phoniest smile and go for the "Best Actress Award". I believe that could be your best move right now, and will provide you and your son with protective cover while you plan what to do next.

My thought on his 'accidentally' dropping the pot is a definitive 'no way'. He may have even done it to drag your son into the mess, which it has.

I will write more later, after I think on things awhile. Meanwhile, take care!

Regards,
Deb