Hi Liz, I am so sorry things turned bad on Mothers day. Some times people react when they know that life is coming to the end of the trail.

I don't get the sense that it was really about you but your brothers are pushing her with those ideas.

They are truly wicked and evil to be pushing her and she is probably angry about their accusations about money and their need to be in charge.

She is like a wounded child acting out and unfortunately you are her closest target, shame on your brothers for attacking her.

How about just sending her a simple bouquet of flowers and just say you love her and will be there for her. She is in a tough spot with these vultures circling the money. I don't think she is really mad at you. A lot of people really fear death and your brothers keep circling reminding her of that in order to gain control.

Be calm, I am very sorry this has happened but this too shall pass. I am sure in her heart of hearts she knows when she thinks of her actions toward you that she is attacking the wrong person. What kind of person gets their mother into an argument on Mothers Day, that must have been very painful for her. That isn't to diminish your own pain but unfortunately she is just for now turning it toward you.

Your brothers are really quite an evil combo. Hold your head up high, you did nothing wrong.

Di

Thanks so much for the quick reply, Dianne. It really meant a lot to me. I dont feel like I can talk to anyone about these things. Even my one SIL that is wonderful, may secretly be glad that Mom has turned on me, if only for the moment.

This is more like my past history with Mom. For so many years when I was a young adult or even a child, she was mad at Dad and took it out on me. You are right, though, she is like a wounded child. It makes no sense at all to take it out on me. It still hurts a lot though.

Even though I felt she had treated me poorly, I apologized profusely today and asked what I could do to make it better for her. She had no answers. Said only time.

My biggest fear is the joy my brothers could get out of this. She will surely tell my one sister in law, who will tell the one brother that is acting decent most of the time. But even he will probably get some satisfaction out of it.

I felt so trapped yesterday at Mom's house. It reminded me so much of her treatment of me when I was younger. Sniping away at me the whole time we are in public or with others. Some dark, negative thoughts were in my head briefly. Just unhealthy ways I used to numb myself in the past. It is all so unfair, but I know you are right that I need to continue to hold my head high and try not to let it get me down.

Knowing how she is in these incidences, it may be better if I do nothing at this point, but will consider flowers or some other kind gesture.

Hi Liz, I can really understand, my mother had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and she snipped at me like crazy my entire life. She favored my sister and my brother and I were nothing but trouble in her eyes. She never even told us she loved us until we were in our 50's. It was tough seeing her lavish her attention on our sister. In the end we were the ones who took care of her. She told my brother she never realized how much I had done until I moved far away. It was only then the sniping stopped and we actually had a very good relationship, I called her twice a day to check in and she only snipped once and apologized the next day, talk about a turn around.

When she used to visit me it was like having Bette Davis in her character, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane enter my home, she barely got a foot in the door and the attacks started.

I finally after all these years found a great psychologist, I don't want to rehash the past I just want to deal with the images of myself that are so negative. I want this hyper alert feeling that something is wrong with me to go away and move forward.

I would just hang in there because only you will protect her interests in the future as she gets older and can no longer make her own decisions.

I can only imagine that indeed she is like a wounded child and being assaulted by your brothers certainly will bring back the attacks on you, very misplaced but that is how some family dynamics operate.

When the time is right, she needs to understand that only you will do the right thing. I am sure she is living in horror over seeing your brothers circle like vultures over their future money. Sickening what money does to a family, like something you see other families do but would never expect from your own. Who on earth attacks their elderly mother like they are doing but some very twisted and evil beings.

After what you have said about more of your history, flowers are something to think about in the future as some random act of kindness or something else she may enjoy but for now it is probably the best tactic to hang back and let her make the next move. Let her miss you and ask for your help, she is circled by her evil sons so she needs to make the next move, imo. Are you the only sibling who lives near her?

Di

Dianne,
I had to laugh at the Betty Davis character. That is close, without the chain smoking. My mother is actually a remarkable woman in many ways. She and her sister were stuck in an orphanage from age 2-12 although her mother was still alive. Just found out a month ago she was sexually abused in the orphanage. she often appears like a child to me in situations like when she is angry, frustrated etc.

In many ways I was the adult in my own childhood, which I realize was not healthy at all for me. But I was thrust there between Mom's issues, my three younger brothers and my distance father. So possibly like you, I was the responsible one as well as later the unfavored one by my father.

Also like you found a great psychologist about 15 years ago. I had tried therapy a number of different times but this was the right match for me. She concentrated more on a plan of action to make me healthy versus listening to the litany of my life (although she did that too). Some of it is just so darn unfair as was what happened to you. I have often wondered why I had this particular life, although some of the family issues caused me to strike out on my own and find other things to make me happy.

I had a talk with my younger brother which probably just got me in more do-do. We are the only ones left interacting with Mom and generally he has been supportive of my interactions with Mom. Occasinally he has ranted about the will and trust which I have tried to explain over and over to him are two different documents. I think he finally gets it but he finally also gets that the will has us as co-executors and the trust does not. He didnt seem too happy about that but I believe that is actually the way Dad had it set up too. So now he might finally understand that the trust is in age order which means I am first up. Let's hope he doesnt start an initiative to get that changed too. I guess I could have lied about it but it is not my nature. (More drama)

Some good news is this brother did talk to the financial guy and since he said he liked the lawyer, now bro likes her too. Whatever!! Guess it had to come from another male. Ugh!!

I did go to dinner at my SIL's but didnt get there until later because of work. Mom was fine and I took her home. So maybe it has blown over. But still, as you recognize, this is all taking a toll on her and me too.

Thanks so much for listening and offering advice and support. It has really helped my state of mind right now. Sometimes I feel very alone in this.

I

Dianne,
Meant to comment on this yesterday. It says so much to me. That hyper alert feeling that something is wrong with me. I feel often like I am always on hyper alert and have a difficult time relaxing. I never thought about it being about searching for what is wrong with me, now or next? That is really brilliant.

How do you make that feeling go away? When your family has treated you for a good part of your life as if something is inherently wrong with you, something you can not change, like you are female, it is difficult to accept yourself.

Would love to hear how to get rid of that hyper alert feeling. Always looking for what is wrong with me and never resting. Ugh!! Of course the constant family reinforcement doesnt help.

I am sorry to interrupt on your conversation, but I've been reading for a few days and so much of it resonates with me.

Despite being educated, generous, intelligent, hard-working, somehow I've always had this feeling that something IS. WRONG. WITH. ME. How is it that I compare myself to my brother the complete psychopath and my other brothers who have psychopathic traits and don't feel that *I* measure up? I've thought about this long and hard. Despite his complete [censored]-ups, his criminal acts, his exploitations, his manipulations, his sexual deviances, and my almost nun-like background, I feel that something is wrong with me?

My mom didn't snipe at me growing up. Gosh, I'm so grateful for that. But what she did do was make excuses for him (and them). All of my brothers had terrible tempers and their angry outbursts would last for days at a time. My parents response was not to tell them to get their act together, but I'd be admonished to . . . not get them upset. The problem was . . . everything got them upset. They'd then over-react (for days) and then criticize my response to their incessant picking. Truthfully, it was hell. When called to some level of responsibility, their response was (and I quote) "You're not perfect, either."

So, I know I've always compared myself . . . not to them . . . but to perfection. Dear God, what an attainable expectations. That is why I almost always have this hyper alert feeling that something is wrong with me. I mean, who is ever perfect?

Hi Twin, you are in no way interrupting, that is what makes our community great is anyone can jump in;)

I have some thoughts that I have been thinking about since meeting with my new psychologist yesterday. Many of them are "small" things but had a great impact on this hyper alert status. I'll get my thoughts together and post them tomorrow. What I have been discovering is that it was a bunch of things that can appear quite small but when added up, well we know the results.

Di

Twin!
This is exactly what they do. I remember my ex Psycho telling me "You are just like me". Its actually them who are making excuses about their behavior. Its sad. But of course, if you are a normal, feeling human being, once you've heard the words too many times it stays in your head. If someone was telling you that you are stupid every day you'd believe it one day, even if you were Einstein. We are dependent on others, that's normal.
And with Psychopaths you always feel guilty, because you think your behavior affects them, like it does other people (because, more or less we affect those around us). But they are who they are because they have no feelings, not because you don't treat them right.

Another thing is that their behavior affects us. You look, observe, compare and so on, it has an impact on you. After my relationship with the Psychopath I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. I could feel that what was wrong was wrong but I couldn't reason with it. It was like my reason was messed up totally. Because your reason is dependent on the society, on the ones around you. Your gut isn't. It is the inner voice that tells you how to live. And its called conscience, and it is what the Psychopaths lack.
And some societies have their rules that clash with conscience, like for example - is death penalty alright? There are fights about all the time. Just because the reason and the society norms tell people it is necessary, and even if the person in question is indeed and no doubt a murderer, a psychopath, a wild crazy one who will kill anyone, even then there are still questions about the death penalty, just because people have conscience. And conscience will tell you not to kill no matter what.

You are probably comparing yourself and feeling inferior maybe, because of the society, a society that doesnt do anything about them, that doesnt even say 'it is wrong'. Nobody cares. So you question your inner gut telling you 'its not OK'. This is the horror we all have to go through.

I was struggling with it for a long time. Then I decided I cannot go on like this anymore and I chose conscience. Because I just couldnt be like they are. Sure I became more assertive, more looking-out for myself. But I act with my conscience, and I am not afraid to say it out loud if there is something wrong going on. I decided to trust my instinct for the rest of my life. It has not yet led me astray. On the contrary it has saved me from what definitely would have been very wrong decisions in my life.


Moreover, my out-loud talking about it all made incredibly many people around me talk to. And I am astonished how many of my friends have been or are in relationships with people who destroy their lives(i dont know if they are psychopaths but they sure share some traits). Some have broken the relationships, some still struggle with it, and some just start to realize. But they all come out of it and talk. It all starts with just a few words. And all these people need is to acknowledge that what they fear. And just hear that it ,indeed, is not OK to behave like this and that.

Because if we all told the truth about how we feel, if we all became assertive and we all supported each other in this I believe psychopaths have no chance with us.

So dont worry about these feelings, Twin, they are normal. The complex problem of psychopathy has only been researched for a few years now, but I believe we are on the right track. And I believe every single information we spread counts. Even if nobody wants to listen, even if they laugh at you, or even if they admit it and then in a second forget, it still makes a difference. Because if the people hear it often enough, and from many different people around them, they WILL start to wonder. I trust, it is our duty to at least say out loud what we know and feel is true. And if enough people know it, it becomes a social norm. And when it becomes a social norm, we are on our way to a better future.

The answer to solve psychopathy issue is not getting rid of psychopaths, but rather getting rid of our fears and helping those in need. Because no person I know, including me, could ever do it on their own. It is like a drug addiction. Sometimes you need to help those who dont want to be helped.

"The answer to solve psychopathy issue is not getting rid of psychopaths, but rather getting rid of our fears."

Wow. So true. I think that is the biggest challenge for me.

I also like what you said about choosing conscience. When my psychopathic brother was raising havoc while my mom was hospitalized a few years ago, trying to do the right thing and acting out of conscience were my sister and my guiding principles. In our family, people try to "manage" my psychopathic brother according to fear.

(They're afraid he'll get mad. They're afraid he'll run. They're afraid he'll emotionally collapse. They're afraid he'll do something impulsive.)

Quite honestly, we didn't have the emotional energy to worry about his reactions to things. We just tried to do the right thing for our mom. Sometimes you can do the right things and have things still blow up in your face. But at least we have the comfort of knowing we acted out of conscience.

That is so true! Any relationship with a psychopath is about fear. And the fear is almost abstract, I felt like someone set me to always stay alert with the Psychopath, I was scared and I dont even know what I was scared of. Maybe seeing what my gut was already telling me?