Dear Lady Crown! Your words have reached in like a gentle hand into my heart and I know that you know exactly. Thank you. There were a couple of things in particular in your post that dropped me to my chair. I am not sure if I will get to say both of them tonight as there is so much. I wanted to sleep after so little the night before and took a pill but after an hour I'm awake going over and over what you have said, so I need to write something though. You have actually helped me understand the terrible dream, because I could not. On a level I did, but not totally. You are exactly right about the helplessness. This is what I was struggling with for days. This was the depression and underneath a rage I'm sure, but then, as you said, a blank. And it was this blank that haunted me after my nightmare. The helplessness. It is so hard to face. How do you understand it so much? I hear your words, and I know you are so right and yet there is something in me that just cannot comprehend it, yet knows it so intimately. this being so helpless is so devaststing. Yet saying this you have helped me understand the nightmare because that was it. I keep going over your words - sink in, sink in. Like so knowing I've arrived after a long trip but never knowing where I was actually trying to get to. It will come, I trust.

So many things your post made me think of. You know, even though the details of which particular insanity we may be discussing with one or other individual, we all just know and recognise the sameness, in essence. I know the sexual aspect of it is there but that resides far away from the feeling deep inside myself that he was trying to kill me. I didn't think about it much because I couldn't allow myself to go close, but on the times when I did think about it from afar in my mind, if you know what I mean, I used to think that he was smothering me to keep my quiet. But it wasn't actually like that. The smothering came after. And then my nightmare has helped me see this after your response because in your post you have answered it for me. It is a great relief because I felt so terribly guilty. But when one is on a edge with someone about to kill you, things get reduced real fast. It makes me think of survivor guilt almost. Which is curious. Actually it's what I felt in the dream.

You said about sensing the difference between what was happening and the person as he did that. That was the most terrifying thing and I recall the sense/feeling of him but it has taken all these years to understand it, to come to be able to express what that was. This only came to me finally yesterday, after all the struggle of it trying to come to where I consciously know. But as a child it was very clear what I saw in him. And you mentioned about when he gave me the book. Again there is a feeling that is hard to describe or explain. At the time he gave me the book I didn't remember what had happened. Yet it was as though I knew completely. Like two conversations, or perhaps like being hypnotised. on one level you are asleep, on another you are wide awake but you can't necessarily bring the two layers of consciousness together. So it was a very particular feeling I got on at that moment. I know exactly where I was when he gave it to me. This information is as clear as a bell. There was a subtle taunt in it. Also a subtle kind of satisfaction in a perverse kind of way. When he said it I was taken aback because it was like how do you know about this? While on another level I didn't even know myself. I think he thought he was bit clever. Superficially I thought he was just curious. Sorry, I've started going into reverse here, if that makes any sense. This happens at times.

I am not at all bothered by what you said about putting salt on his grave. I was lying in bed actually feeling very satisfied to go over these words in my mind. To be perfectly honest it felt good to hear you felt that way. It's quite something to feel another person is angry on my behalf!

I will ponder your words. Especially this about helplessness. Both my mother, on a daily basis, and my grandfather, were so into power over. Feeling helpless was a constant. and feeling helpless to even understand some of what happened with these people, let alone change or affect things in any way. This matter of helplessness is profound in relation to these types of people.

Lady Crown, I have got so much from your post, I truly have. And there is much I know I will come back to. I feel so wrapped up in warmth and such understanding. You are like the warmth of the sun appearing out from behind a cloud on a cold and dull day, warm and generous. I can sleep so peacefully knowing that I am blessed with such friendship and caring. Thank you.

Love,
Sapphira

Dear Sapphira and lady Crown.

I can't help myself, I am reading this and while my heart breaks for you on one level, on the other I am sitting here with a hugs smile on my face.
This is the power of women that I was speaking about....This is it!!!I am so glad to read your postings, I am so proud to be part of that little pinky triangle over the oceans,as Dianne puts it...thank you!!!!
Love, hugs and that big proud smile on my face
Segaya

Dear Segaya,

Your post has given me a lot to think about. Yes, it is the power of women, and actually it amazes me because all three of us have been so abandoned and ignored and rejected by our mothers and sister. I don't believe any of us has a daughter either, not sure. This matter of female bond is so important. When you said in a post about your heart breaking when you see a mother out shopping with her daughter - I can relate to that. Not that I have the space yet to greive for not having this. But as a women, we need other women to start off with ourselves.

Our life experiences have so set us apart from ordinary interactions and sharings. I remember girls being so concerned with clothes and makeup and boys and going to dances and saturday nights. These very ordinary and mundane things. Yet in our worlds it was not even to be imagined having clothes, in a basic sense, or a proper room or place to lie down or privacy or any kind. How does one chit-chat about these things when they are so not a part of our world? And how does one go on to bond with other women when there is no common ground? Until we know ourselves and find a space to be ourselves in and from it is very difficult to engage like this. In some ways men are foreign creatures and despite the abuse, for me they were easier because they are so different. It was always much more threatening for me to try to engage with other women. Because of that lack of common ground and because my experiences of "Woman" via my mother made me believe that if that was what it meant to be a woman, I sure didn;t want to be one, or be around others. I admit a deeply held angst because basically, I didn't see how I could trust women - and that included myself. You know, seeing my mother's back and her turned away from me and the times when other men abused me and she allowed them access or was just not there to comfort or turn to afterwards, was a bigger betrayal, almost than what the men did.

To be honest, I do find it really hard to trust, and even being here on the forum is so new. Yet something inside of me steps over those internal barriers and I say something then I notice a pull back soon after when the old "watch out" mechanism kicks in. But it really is remarkable what is passing here. There is clearly a sense of safety and confidence and recognition and a lack of pretence, because we can speak from our truths here. All that said, I know it will take me time to take it in, take it in, But it is going in. Actually, I wonder what "others" (:o) would make of where we go. I guess one thing one isn't permitted to remain, after living through and moving beyond these types of experiences, is superficial. So much pain in our souls, which as women, there is no closer the pain can go. So we reach right in, grab the pain by the hair and we don't let it go. It might want to wriggle out and run off somewhere else to hide, once we know about it. But we want to take it, honour it, skin it, wear it's essence, transformed into a new world. To me there is something at times almost primal about it, very soul-filled and very reinstating of the FEM in ourselves about it. And perhaps this is what you were also meaning?

I was thinking about the story of Persephone who was raped and taken into the Underworld by Hades. Part of the story is that Hekate hears her cries and for a certain time did nothing. Yet it was to Hekate that Persephone from then on "preceeded and followed". it was to Hekate that she turned and howled in pain and was understood and comforted. Hekate is the torch bearer of the dark underworld with a head dress of stars lighting the way both back and forward. It is she who leads us out of the darkness and reunites mother and daughter. I wondered, if she cared so much how did she stand by when she heard Persephone's cries? I was wondering this also in terms of what Lady Crown was saying about powerlessness. Thing is, there are certain things that happen that just do, just are, just must be, even. The rape was something that was. These things that burn so far into our souls. And there is that confrontation with helplessness that Lady Crown was speaking of that is so where I am struggling with in myself. I see now that Hekate could not change what life had ordered. It was not her place - no one can argue with Life/Death - but her job was to be there, to listen and understand and show compassion for persephone as she struggled to deal with what she had experienced. Her job was to comfort while in the dark and then to illuminate the way out.

Hekate gets a bad and unfair press and its easy to question, as I did, how she could stand by. But the gifts from Hekate suggest she doesn't just stand by or care. Her gifts are a secret understanding about Love, about healing and about regeneration. Lady Crown's post shows this clearly. Such love and caring that comes from a heart that truely knows, that has been there and known that. Her grace comes not from a life without pain, but from having borne it with a strength that loved way beyond it.

In you I see the healing and the Healer. The gifts you offer here, relaxation, connection, insight, heaps of encouragement. You just put these things out, like food for the birds, and they come and feed. You don't do any more than provide what is needed for the person to take and apply to themselves. You don't "do" the healing:- you help one to heal oneself. What truer healing is there?

And I feel there is a general attitude on this site that promotes and encourages the struggle for regeneraton and the growing through and beyond these terrible things we have known. I sense on a collective level that all efforts at renewal will be recognised and strongly supported and encouraged here with clarity and strength. This little "home away from home" is really quite something.

Lots of Love
Sapphira

I was thinking about when Lord Crown wins the lottery and we all meet up in Paris. Perhaps we could all go out to dinner and each wear our own special dresses?..No pressure, Lord Crown:)

Sapphira

Hi Sapphira,

I woke up this morning in a beautiful white world and smiled. March 21.... Ostara, the festival of light and blooming.....And now there is snow. I was thinking of Demeter who has to be tired or still resting from the partying...And there you are...talking about Demeter and Persephone!!

Yes, you are right it seems odd doesn't it. Hekate who heard the loud cry of Persophone and did nothing....
Years ago when I first heard that story it made me angry. It felt like she was indeed similar to my mother ad I didn't like her at all....She betrait an other female I felt.
Now , I am a bit older.... I think differently.
Maybe Hekate is like us, normal people... We hear and know of things happening to the children but as we have no prove we can't do anything. People who have enough prove don't do anything...probably out of selfconcern or lack of interest?

People like us,as the pinky girlgroup..we are there afterwards to comfort, help, guidens, listen , give a shoulder to cry on and be of help that way? As Hekate did with Persephone.
How many times do we read in newspapers, see it on television or through other media what is happening to children , women, the weaker among us..And oohh we all do know what to do in theory but when the strange thing occurse that it's near us than people like to turn there heads and act like nothing is wrong. People do think it is only a far away thing that happens to people who are bad or of an lower social circle. Children who are abused in any way are very good in hiding it. They are threatened by the agressor not to tell and are silent. When people don't know the signs, keep they'r eyes closed, don't go to see what is true of what they heard...this will keep on going. I have a internet site for ex- sexual abuse victims ,it's called..( sorry I have to translate it) The punishment of being silent is a lifetime sentence.
It's called like that for very good reasons. On of them is indeed that this only can go on because of the fact that no one talks about it.

So our Hekate heard only the cry....and did nothing to come to Persephones rescue. Like ordenairy poeple do nothing. But after 9 days she went to Demeter, Persephone's mother and told her all about what had happend. This way she did do something and on top of that she, afterwards, took care of Persephone. This is not similar anymore to most people...Most people will turn there back and go on with they're own lives...So there is much to learn from this Hekate!!!


I can so relate to what you said about the bound between women and the lack of it we had. Still I can hardly be around women. I was a member of a womenschoir for 11 years. For 11 years they told me weekly ( this is really true) I had to cut my hair..It wasn't healthy hair, I become to old to wear it like that, it didn't look nice, it had to be too much work to keep it clean and so on... They also told me I can't sing and that it wasn't nice to see me on stage.I was very slim those years and they always said something about my figure..of course not nice things...I was too skinny, I didn't look my age..did I want to wear those clothes..ppf tiring.( since I left that choir I put on a lot of weight!!)
Now I am in a band, and the man of the band make it very clear that I am the treath who keeps it al together an they don't want to rehaerse without me anymore..( I didn't go 1 time because I had the flu)They plead not to cut my hair and they compliment me with my way of dressing because they like it. It is femal yet not sexy or alluring. The singer before me was dressed to sexy,it was overdone...What a difference..I wasn't the one who changed was I...I am the same person...

The chit chat..I still can't do it. Yes I will try...for a few minutes nobody notices anything but after those few minutes I just listen or my mind wonders off because it's all about nothing. Sometimes, but years ago that made me kind of jealous of other women..but not anymore..It is to superfisial, to much of nothing, They can't speak other subjects because they simply don't no about anything. Those women are stuck in they're lives and they may, i think it's theyre way of protecting there lives and family.....Respect all the way, but it is just not who I am.
I learned to be very much on my own.( like I was in my younger years already) There are not many people I can relate to. I just had a few friends and lost them again, our paths seperated just because life brought us different things to learn. Not a bad thing, but sometimes the good can hurt a bit too don't you think. I have a lot of people I know and now there are new friend coming..like the pinky girlgroup and others here in my own country

I am so surprised about what you say about what I am doing. You know..You are the first one who really understands...Maybe I have to say..who speaks it out loud.....or better yet...Who puts it into words this way.
No I can't 'do' for anyone else than myself, But I can show a way that liberates from hell. I have been there, spend a lot of years there and I learned there is a way out! But you have to go the path yourself like I did and many before us did, and many shall do after us.
I know on forehand that many will read it and maybe a few will do the things I suggest. No matter... It's those few I am writing it for...
The moment I discovered this way I stopped a lot of other techniques I use to do with the people I helped. I knew immidiatly this is the one thing I want to practize. Because I don't 'do' anything anymore..I just show the way it's done..the rest is upto listening to your intuition, your inner self..But people didn't learn for many years already how to listen..This is a way to make that easier...It is so very simple to do and it can give so much ..... Reading alone isn't doing the trick though... Practice is nessecary.

Thank you for seeing it the way I ment it ....


With the strenght of women I ment all that you say and more..I only saw this in women... Not with men, strange isn't it..It's like you say; we , women, are capable of grabbing it from deep within and take it out and on top of that heal ourselves. This is so common and yet so not known by many....
If you really want to know what I mean by the strenght of a woman; Take a look in the mirror and you will have the answer..
Same goes for Lady Crown indeed!!!
Love and happy eastern.
Segaya

Dear Lady Crown,
I have to tell you about my experiences with the CO.
You were so right to tell us the secret of this!
My hair is more shiny, more soft, more healthy looking and what really pleases; me it seems that I loose not so much hair as before.
Till , say, around 4 years ago my hair was really thick..A lot of hair and per hair it was thick also. I couldn't put it up because hair accesories couldn't hold it. Now my hair got thinner and one side of it was that I could do 'something' with it, but I really missed that thickness. I don't expect it to get as thick as it was before, but losing less makes me fee lmore at ease for I was almost afraid to get bold...( kidding, but yeah, it was hard to see it getting thinner.)
So thank you so very much....if you have more advise like this; please share....
Love, a gratefull Segaya.

Hi there

I am not sure if I am in the correct discussion, please let me know.

I would like to quickly give an overview of my story as I think having done quite a bit of reasearch just recently on the psychopath.

I was married to what I think may have been a psychopath, who is the father of my child... I was his second marriage, he was a compulsive liar and managed to cover those lies up so I never really knew what the truth was, he gambled away 2 houses and managed to cover it up with lies right until the very last minute when I had visists from people who had told me houses had never been paid for and yet we had put all our savings in it, he used to lie about where he was and what he had been up to all the time, often I would catch him out and he would deny it, and to keep the peace I would land up giving up on the questions as he was so convincing, he was the most wonderful, outgoing and charming person who supposedly loved me only and promised me the world, holidays which we never took once in our entire marriage, my family all loved him in the beggining then eventually saw through his lies which I did not, until I caught him out again and decided as I had a child that I needed to take care I had nl choice but leave this deceitful man, I divorced him 5 years ago thinking that was the end of it, it was a great releif and the drama of my life seemed to be over.

However he has never been able to let go of me and has had daily contact with me since my divorce which was 5 years ago,trying to get me back teling me he loves me etc etc., he moved in with a women 3 months after we got divorced who was always supposedly always just a friend, he lived in her cottage so he told me and my son so every second week end for the past 5 years my so has lived with him in the cottage, all this time he has still been contacting me with his love for me,(there were time I did consider getting back with him, but my gut feel always stopped me) this was right up until last week when I found out that he had already been married for 2 years for the 3rd time to the "friend" the women he had been living with since our divirce and did not think my son and myself needed to know this, obliviously for selfish reasons of his own, he was at mys house just last week again begging me for another chance whilst he was actualy a married man... when I confronted him on this he went mad and totally denied it, for the second time about a year ago I had the same gut feel but he managed to convince me other wise once again.

I did eventually allow some one who I had met into my son and my life after 4 years of being divorced, my x made my life a living hell with threats and the normal all hours of the morning phone calls which put pressure on my relationship which eventually ended, all this happend whilst he was already married for 1 year.

What I need to know is firstly do the completly non emotional lies and destruction that he has left behind him sound like he is a psychopath? and also now that all his lies have come out and I have completly cut contact with him which I might add he has taken in his stride without any emotion whatsoever, is it safe for me to still send my child to him every second week end, he is an ok father, but what I need to know is if he would do anything to my child to get to me as he knows that my son comes first in my life.

I am sorry my story is so long, but honestly this is not even half the draining trauma I have been through with this destructive man.

Thank you so much
B

Dear Segaya,

Oh, this is amazing!! I couldn't wait to see what the Barbie picture was..imagine my shock when I clicked on it and it was Queen Mab, from the Legends of Ireland, and I have that doll! I said to Lord Crown, "How does she know I'm Irish!" He smiled and said, "That Segaya, she just knows things!" What a great gift, thank you! That was so cool!

About the geneaology; happily, it has nothing to do with the invisibility factor. I've always loved to do research and I love history, so they just went together. When I found out about geneaology sites on the Internet, there was no holding me back! I use the online census records, and have found many family members (of course they are all deceased), and was able to find some burial sites that we had not known about. To me, it's like solving a puzzle, and every piece of documentation is another clue. The picture of my great-grandfather from 1892 is one of my most prized possessions, and recently I found that my other great-grandfather came from Prussia! That was a big surprise, as we always knew ourselves to be English and Irish. Unfortunately, as you know, Prussia was divided up after the war and so far I have no further details about where in Prussia he was from, or what country that part belongs to now. But I love a mystery and the hunt is very exciting! it's nice to have at least one hobby I didn't have to give up after being disabled, since I had to give up all needlework, so I haven't allowed my family to spoil it. They are, however, standing in the way when they won't let me borrow anything to make copies of pictures, etc. That's what the recent fracas was all about. So far they still haven't contacted me or said anything about it.

I had ordered a book for my mother in large print and it happened to come in the other day, so I took it over with an Easter card, and gave them to her. She was happy about it, but not pleased that I wasn't chatty or trying to appease her. I was civil and polite, but I am still angry about the insulting way they spoke to me. Then I got an email from my Psychopath sister, bemoaning the fact that no-one had come over for Easter! You may remember that I never got invited. Apparently my mother and Narcissistic brother had cancelled, or Psychopath sister cancelled it; I don't know why, or what went on, and I really want to be left out of it, but that probably won't happen. Lord Crown and I went to the dawn Mass on Easter Sunday, ate breakfast, and then went to the cemetery to put flowers on my father's grave, because it was his anniversary and Easter Sunday on the same day. So we had a nice peaceful day.

I'm glad you are enjoying the CO; I find I "shed" a lot less too! It's true that people always seem to have something to say about your hair length, as if it's any of their business. I agree with both you and Sapphira, that women seem to be a lot harder to get along with in that way, especially after being abused and treated badly by the women in our own families. I, too, am horrible at the chit-chat, and I know most of that is simply fearful lack of practice. If everything that comes out of your mouth is wrong, how are you going to have that easy, fluid give-and-take? On top of that, I feel a great percentage of us is hiding, because we feel we are wrong, or feel ashamed, or feel inadequate. That doesn't lead to easy conversational skills! I've always gotten along better with men than with women, and maybe that's because men talk about things and women talk about feelings. But if you are hiding your feelings, and hiding yourself, what are you supposed to say?

I had one time where I was working running an office full of men, but I was invited for lunch every day by a group of women. I was so scared I was sick, week after week, even though they were only being nice. I usually sat there and ate my lunch, and had little to say, until one day there was a lull in the conversation. I tried desperately to think of something, and I finally gathered all my courage and said, "I bought a dress this weekend". To my utter disbelief, one woman said, "what color?", another said, "oh, that's nice". Someone began talking about her trouble finding a dress for a function, and I just sat there, stunned. Not one word of criticism, not one piece of abuse. No one said, "What for?", or "You don't need that", nothing that I expected and had heard all my life from my mother, my Psychopath sister and my aunts. I will never forget that moment, or how much it meant to me. It's still hard of course, and a lot of work, and I'm not sure it will ever get easy, but it has at times become easier. Now, if I have a dress or something pink or pretty, I make sure I never show or mention it to my mother or Psychopath sister. I don't need the nasty comment associated with it; I want to wear it and enjoy it!

Segaya, I want to tell you to put your fuzziest socks on, and you can call one Lady Crown and one Sapphira, and tell yourself we are warming up your feet!

Sapphira, I just want to check in with you about your post and ask how you are doing. I thought of you a lot over the weekend, of course. Posting about what had happened to you also brought up some things for me, and pairing that with the current anger at my family made things kind of rocky. It's weird how everything we talk about fits together; when I wrote that I was still bleeding two days after the attack, I didn't know what to do. There was a girl in my dorm who was beautiful and sophisticated, the kind of girl you think will be a real snob. But she was a kind girl, and I actually asked her if this was normal. When she heard the whole story, she was so horrified and so upset for me, and I wasn't used to having that happen. Of course she sent me to the health services, but it was her reaction that meant so much to me. My own sister wouldn't have done that.


Here is a quote from one of my favorite authors, Jane Austen:
"The unkindness of your family has made you astonished to find friendship anywhere."

"de onvriendelijkheid van uw familie heeft u verbaasd gemaakt om vriendschap overal te vinden"

Isn't this true?

with pinky hugs and love,

Lady Crown

Hi, Barbara, and welcome to the forum!

It's good that you've come here and have done some research. Without knowing what country you are from, or the laws of where you live, it's hard to know if you can legally keep him away from your son. I am sure the administrators would know more than I. Have you read the Hare checklist for Psychopathy? It's very useful information and there are some links on the board for it.

You sound very brave and pulled-together, and congratulations for cutting the ties. Of course your son's, and your, safety is your chief concern. You seem to have a very good gut instinct; is that telling you anything about this? Has he ever physically hurt you?

I'm sorry I don't have any more useful information for you, but I believe you can always check with the laws of your country, or if need be, contact the lawyer who handled your divorce. The more people that know about your concerns the better, definitely! Also, documentation of every incident is very important, without letting him or your child know that you are.

Please don't worry about the length of posts; I've gone on for pages, I'm sure! Ask questions, tell your story, rant for a while, we all do. Do come back and keep in touch with us; you will find friends here and surprisingly shared experiences. Best of luck,

Lady Crown

Dear Segaya and Lady Crown,

Happy Easter indeed! It never snows where I am, but I can imagine it must be lovely to wake up to such a bright white sight:) I'm down in the Southern Hemisphere so it's officially Easter with the beginning of Autumn and so our official festivals are out of step with nature - but it's always a good time to be reminded of fresh starts and renewal.

I was thinking of you both a lot over the past few days, and obviously we were thinking about similar things. A few days ago my son came into the lounge and found me giggling away to myself, as "old" women sometimes do, apparently at nothing at all. He asked me what I was laughing at. Oh, just something a friend said, I told him. I was thinking and laughing, not at, but with, what you had said, Segaya, about buying the socks three years ago and not yet putting them on. I had to laugh so much because I can SO relate to that. Really it sums up so very much about the past, the present, about the whole thing. Just getting something is such a big thing in itself. Without even putting it on or using it, just having for oneself is a big deal. And I laughed because it was such a classic example, don't you think? The small things that are so significant, and can even become really hard for us. Just going and getting something even small for ourselves can be such an emotional dilemma/challenge. In ways that I am certain others may not understand. And yes, I think Lady Crown's idea is perfect! One of us on each foot. Yes.

Lady Crown, I was thinking of you also, over the weekend, and I did feel you near. I realise that in my last post I never directly thanked you for sharing what you did about your experience, although I was very grateful. I was wondering about you and had expected that it would likely also bring difficult things back. In thanking you it is not only for revealing a similar experience but for also stepping back into the shadows a while as you did to tell me.

To be honest, when you said about facing the helplessness, I felt blasted out of my chair. I have stayed with the feeling that you recognise the crunch point for me. This issue of feeling totally helpless is really hard right now and this weekend I really just sat with feeling someone really knows and where this place is. That said, I would also appreciate any more thoughts you may about this, if you have any or feel you might like to. I haven't got it on a mental level yet. But it was a real relief of pressure to hear your words about that, I can say.

I also know what you mean about keeping these details to ourselves. I used to feel my mother was essentially a thief - that no matter what it was, she would find a way to steal the pleasure or goodness or happiness from me. I probably went to the extreme in this by stopping certain activities that I was very successful at, because whenever she was involved or knew about them her Narcissim (I'm sure I spelt that incorrectly) found a way to take it away from me. Now that I have been away from her for some years I have begun my own activities again and when I do become successful, as I really hope to, I will probably do it under an assumed name, until she dies. Only then will I feel I have the real freedom to put myself into the world, for myself. Not that I would be bothered about her knowing what I do - it's more because I know she will create trouble, as she always has, and I've totally had enough of that.

But we do need something, one thing to sustain us. I can almost hear the excitement in your post when you write about the geneology. It obviously gives you something, and lights that fire. Segaya, is singing the same for you? You will both be pleased to know that - and here's letting out one of 'those' secret things - I've started dancing again. About 10 years ago I had done the dance here but the women were just so snakey I decided I'd rather give it up than do classes with them. Then, three years ago - probably about when you bought your socks, Segaya:) - I found a dance teacher who I found was just right but she lives out of town. For three years I went now and then and it was a big effort and I was going through a divorce, and...well,you know how it goes. Well, anyway after learning about my mother's condition I felt able to start again, and was going once a month. But I have realised, especially since speaking with you both, that I so need something for myself that is nurturing of that inner space. So I started going more. It's a two hour drive each way and my exhusband is huffing and puffing, but I said, it's either that once a week, or you can look after our son full time while I rock quietly back and forth laughing hysterically to myself on a beach in the Bahamas, if you know what I mean. I think he's slowly adjusting:).

I'm so pleased to know about your thoughts about the women connection thing. People just assume mothers and daughters or women and women just 'get on'. The good thing about doing the dancing again is that it is solely women in the group and between 8 and 20 at a time. It's great because I can get to observe and be around and we have a 'thing' to base conversations about, although I pretty much jump in my car afterwards and come home. But in those lull moments in the break times and before starting, at least there is the dance to talk about. I do find it extremely anxiety provoking but I see it as a chance to learn and grow. I also get so see some of my coping strategies...Deep breath! But, for she who literally doesn't step out the front door, sometimes for days, it's a big thing. I am glad to be able to finally share a little of my life with you both, as you have been so open with me about yours.

Lots of Love,
Sapphira