I think my Mother-in-Law (MIL) is a Psychopath for several reasons I will explain.

1.She told me 13 years ago after I married her son that "some people are Psychopaths and will do what ever they can to get what they want".

2.She is very manipulative of her children to get her needs met.And manipulative in general.

3.She lacks remorse,is controlling,and never is wrong.

4.She is very egocentric,always bragging about her accomplishments. Others say she is full of herself.

5.She lacks normal planning ahead in life,very irresponsible financially.Years ago My aunt(who was a retirement planner for MIL line of work) offered to help her plan her retirement.She was not interested and insulted my aunt.In the last year she has told me that she will not have any medical or dental benefits other than Medicaid no vision or dental when she retires.I over heard her tell my husband this Christmas that she will not have enough money to retire on,and it will not increase even if she works for more years.

6.She has told my husband and I, her friends son went to college to become a Registered Nurse to take care of his parents.

7.My husband is now graduated college and is an RN.

8.I have said to her my husband went to college for his family(my kids&I and my husband).She replied she went to college for her kids and herself and her mother.(Her mother was on her death bed,and my mother in law is single).

9.One of my sister-in-laws told me she thinks our MIL has a very weird personality.And how our mother in law has basically said how she does not like my husband and I married.And how she thinks I am not a good mother to my children.

I hope this makes since I have rambled on a bit. Thanks for any advice or insight.

Hello Allie and welcome

Can I start by asking if you are having problems with your MIL that affects your family life? You say you think she is a 'sociopath' so first we need to understand what you believe that term to mean. Many take it to mean a description of someone who is non criminal and functioning in society although in an antisocial way but people like Dr Hare do not use the word. The diagnostic term is Antisocial Personalty Disorder and can be taken further to add 'with psychopathic traits'. The word 'sociopath' is no longer used but I understand why people still prefer to use it because of the confusion of what a psychopath is. It sounds less severe and dramatic. They are not all criminal or like the classic film psychopath.

What does define a psychopath is total lack of empathy, guilt or remorse. I think you must have looked at Dr Hare's checklist so do you think those characteristics and all the others fit your MIL?

It's not possible to diagnose any disorder without extensive assessments from professionals but we can take a guess and look at the information to research what we suspect.

Your MIL sounds unpleasant and you may have played down your feelings towards her,can you choose not to be in her company so she doesn't cause you too many problems personally?

I would say read all you can and avoid this woman whenever possible whatever she is if it causes you stress to be near her. How does your husband cope with her?

Maybe you can tell us a bit more and that could help you verbalise the problems you have which in turn might help you put things into perspective?

Regards
Jan

I will try to be more specific.I have done some reading on Anti Social Personality Disorder.My MIL sounds like the classification Alienated Sociopath - ALIENATED SOCIOPATHS have never developed the ability to love, empathize, or affiliate in real life with another person. They will show more emotion toward their pet or a personal artifact than toward a person. Or, they may hate animals and live out their emotional life by watching TV (identification with soap opera characters is a common pattern). Dating and marriage relationships will be very barren and empty. They won't get along with the neighbors. They live in a shell. They have a cold, callous attitude toward human suffering or any social problem in the society they live in. They just don't care because it's outside their range of empathy. Most will believe they are justified in this because they feel they were cheated in some way themselves by society, and a few will be more than happy to rant and rave about it to anyone who listens. They are chronic complainers, and underneath it all, they would like to see nothing better than all of society destroyed.Quoted from a website.
My MIL shows more emotion tword her pets,even around children when her animals growl or snap at the children in the family.She gets very upset about her materialisim in her house beyond what is normal with other people and their stuff.
She just seems to fit the description above.She does not like anyone no matter who they are telling her what to do.She has problems at what ever job she has or whom ever is her superior.She is just really irresponsible financially buys houses over and over again and can't afford them so has to move.She will not plan ahead and so forth.All of these traits fit the personality disorder.She got upset with my sister in laws mother when she asked my MIL's age and what she was going to do in the future with herself.
I have also done reading on what causes the disorder and her family life fits it.She had an alcholic mother whom was never benevolent to her all her life.Mil always tells people in the family of her mother's lack of love and rejection of her and not to her siblings.I think for what ever reason she believes she is an anti social personality,and may have been warning me years ago in her kitchen that "some people are sociopaths and will do what they have to to get their way."
My husband does not like to deal with her he is afraid of her.He will not try to reason with her becuase he says it will do no good.An example, we were having problems with her several years ago and stayed away from her for a year.She went to our church and told them she tried to call us on the phone but our phone was disconnected,she even had my brother in law say he tried to call us too.Then my husband and I found out from this same brother MIL always had our phone number and he got it from her to call us.When my husband and I asked her about it she replyed you cannot believe what your brother says.And today when I ask her of things she has told my husband she says my husband cannot be believed,and that was not what she said that someone else said it.She covers her lies this way.
No one else in the family seems to have the trouble with her that my husband and I do.We were the first ones to marry and have children.I did get some counceling and the councelor said the reason we have more problems than my husbands brothers and their wives is because they set boundaries with my MIL early on in their marriages.My husband has told me that I do not have any family so my MIL picks on me more because I do not have anyone to defend me. I hope I explained my problems with my MIL better this time.
Thanks,
Allie

Hello Allie

Your MIL sounds like the sort of person you do not want to be around. Is there any reason you stay in contact with her? It would seem she has other family members around if she needs someone to take care of her, so can you just stop any involvement with her? It sounds as though your husband has already distanced himself from her so I’m sure he wouldn’t think badly of you if you did too. Is this part of the problem, that you are concerned you will be seen as the callous one for deserting an elderly lady?

I have never seen the further classification of a psychopath that you mention but you have obviously been doing a lot of research to fathom out what is wrong with this woman. These characteristics of the alienated type are very typical of a psychopath. I have a feeling the ’extra’ categories have been invented is to explain the type of antisocial but non criminal behaviour they engage in and live in society.

At the age your MIL is now I doubt she will ever change so you would only spend the rest of her life trying to achieve the impossible if you try to help her mend her ways.
She may have had a poor upbringing herself but as an adult she had choices and she has chosen her way of life. People often have personalities like their parents so maybe she is like her mother.

This situation is giving you a lot of unnecessary stress, to avoid it you will have to be the one to make changes as she won’t. If I was in that situation I would walk away and leave her to it. She has your BIL around so he can keep in touch with you and keep you updated if you really want to know. As you say they set boundaries with her early on so they recognise they could also have had problems with her if they hadn't. It's not too late to set your boundaries but yours might now need to be more secure because she has learned your weaknesses.

Life is too short to take on someone else’s issues so look after yourself and your husband. He must feel emotionally battered after being brought up by her. Just goes to show that a poor upbringing didn’t make your husband like her. He made different choices. He deserves your care and concern, not his mother.

Take care of yourself.
Jan

Yes,I am worried that others in the family and my MIL's friends will see me as callous for deserting an elderly woman,or worse yet having my husband desert his elderly mother who helped us out some while he was going through college.My MIL is very crafty,I think she has a plot to try to get me out of her son's life so he can be there for her to take care of her and her needs not me his wife.I am a Home Maker and Stay at Home Mom so we do not have an additional income or retirement.So I am a burden to her son,not her his Mother.In my MIL's mind she wanted my husaband to go to college and become an RN for her whether or not he did or not,and that I am the enemy standing in her way of her son taking care of her.She wants my husband to work at a hospital near her so we can live close to her.But I know what she really wants is for us to move there so she can plot to sabotage my marriage.I mean if her RN son lives near her who better yet to take care of her out of all of her kids my husband!I know my inlaws do not want to be the ones to take care of her as needy as she is.My MIL always wants involvement with her son so that includes me and my kids.I do not see how to avoid her.Just because I do not want my husband to have to take care of his Mother that makes me a bad person?I truley think to my MIL my husband is the perfect fit answer to all her problems and that she will not stop that is the biggest reason I think she is psycopath,I mean there is a line between what she wants and her son's well being as a person,she does not seem to have care or concern for her doings regarding her son,just her own needs.It has helped me put things into perspecive to write on this board.
Thanks,
Allie

Hi Allie

I can see that you are a carer and try to do the right thing but your MIL will probably not appreciate whatever you do for her.

You mentioned that your in laws set boundaries for dealing with her, maybe it's time for you to do the same? She may have helped her son, YOUR husband, through college but that is what parents do, it's their responsibility to educate and provide for the children they choose to have. It should not be done as an insurance policy for old age.

It seems you are taking too much responsibility for your MIL, isn't it time you gave her some options? You see her on your terms and if she says anything you don't like, you leave? If she is warned that is what will happen, she can choose what happens when you visit. Can you think about offering her those choices that suit you and if she doesn't like it then it's her problem.

Sometimes you can do too much for someone and that stops them doing something for themselves or even in return for what they have been given. It can be very one sided.

You might think this is harsh but if I had to deal with this woman I would let her get on with life, you don't owe her anything and neither does your husband. She has made her choice and maybe you should accept it. You can always jump in and rescue her when she sends out the distress signals.

You mention family, how does she treat your children?

I hope you do think about yourself and your family first. I did feel you are worried about what others will think. I think you are too kind and probably so does everyone else!
Allow yourself to let go?

Regards
Jan

My children have not been really treated well by my MIL.My husband even said recently that it is disgraceful how his mother has treated non biological grand kids better than her own biological grandkids.The reason we think this way is she would not watch our kids for us so we could go out together alone,or when I was working.But for my sister in law's kid she watched her all the time while they were dating and after they married.And today watches them(her kid and his and her kid) so they can go out.And picks them up from day care and keeps them over night even when she works full time,so my sister in law can work out of town all the time.It almost seems over kill baby sitting to make up for not helping us.And she denies this and my in laws of course believe her,my BIL even said my husband was lieing about their mother not helping he and I with our kids.My husband has said the reason for this behaviour from his mother was because when we had our kids no one was around and she could get away with it.But today she can't.Because she cares what her in laws and son's will think of her,lucky them!
Thanks again,
Aliie

Hi Allie

I wonder why you have anything to do with your MIL? She is neither a mother, grandmother or a friend.

Isn't it time you let her get on with her life as she chooses to live it and you can get on with your own family life? She made her choices and it looks like she wants to exclude your family group so give her what she wants.

If you have done all you feel obliged to then you have no further obligations to her.

There are plenty of people around her so she will not be isolated and even if you have no contact with her they can let you know if she ever does decide she needs you.

Is there a reason you feel you can't let the 'relationship' with her go?

Maybe it's time you please yourself.

Regards
Jan

You are right.I have no reason to hold on,I should let go for me.It is hard when my husband won't let go of his mother like he should he is back and forth with the issue and it is frustrating!Because it causes mariatial and family problems,and even still personal problems.I DO need to set my boundaries and be strong for me and my kids.Who knows if my husband ever will.It makes me think and feel like he does not love me enough to do the right thing for me and our marriage and our kids and our family.My MIL worms her way in from every angle over the years and I am the only one who seems to see it or care!He needs to see his own personal problems because of his Mother for himself,maybe then he can see mine.Thank you for talking with me on here it is what I needed!
Allie

Hi Allie

I'm pleased to hear you are going to do what is best for you. Your husband will have to come to his own conclusions. Maybe it's the nurturer in you that wants to make this situation right for everyone concerned but unfortunately you have to let others take responsibility for their own life.

This has nothing to do with your husband not loving you enough, it is about him being the caring person he is. If he was uncaring you wouldn't have the man you have and he could treat you with less concern. Again you are taking this as a threat to you but if you see it from his perspective it will throw a very different light on things.

Maybe if he sees you have distanced yourself from his mother and it makes you happier then he may follow your example without even discussing it. Leading by example!

I hope you do succeed in doing what you want for a change, your husband and family will have the benefit of a more content person. Best of luck.

Regards
Jan