Where to begin. First of all, thanks so much to this forum for being here. I knew something was wrong with my oldest brother for years as he sucked the life out of a 115 year old family business and otherwise manipulated my father into pretty much paying for his and his family's cars, insurance, and lifestyle for years.

Dad died in February. Brother didnt even bother to come to the death bed and later told people we pulled the plug on Dad while he was out of town. It was like Dad was a commodity to him and the commodity dried up so he didnt care.

Brother swiftly moved in to try to control Mom and her finances to keep the gravy train running. Mom resisted and he broke off all contact.

Mom seemed to be doing well without him. Another brother and I worked to get her organized and settled. She sent an email to psycho-bro inviting them to Easter and called when they didnt respond.

Psyco-bro ripped her apart and made her promise to have a meeting with him in order to come to Easter.

I am so upset I dont know where to begin. After 30 years of unhealthy dysfunction and control by this brother over everything from the family business to other family owned ventures and members, it seemed like the rest of us were finally healing. The reign of terror was over.

Now it feels like we are back to square one. Mom is 85 and still fairly with it, but gets flustered when pressured and doesnt have a heart or mind for the finances. No matter what she says or doesnt say, psycho-bro will interpret as back to the gravy train and complete control of the rest of us.

And it isnt just about the finances with me. That may not even be the most important part as I am convinced psycho-bro will fight anything along these lines to his death. In other words, may never see any benefit from the estate and somewhat okay with that.

The worst part is going back to the unhealthy reign of terror, while having to stuff my feelings to be around Mom when he is there.

I have tried to talk to Mom about this but she wants everyone to just put on a happy face and appear for Easter. After 30 years of this, I cant do it any more for my health and well being. Everything here says "no contact" but what do you do if you want to protect your mother also?

Thanks everyone for listening. Any advice is really appreciated. Right now I am Sleepless in the Midwest and in mental anquish over it all.

Liz123..I can so identify....It's like I want everyone to get out alive except I am one of the few people involved that think (KNOW) HE'S A PSYCHOPATH.Other people have said...it's just that he has no self estem! We need to build up his self esteem!....When in all actuality he's got the motherload!!...I'm struggling too because his brother has come to me in the past to discuss his brothers (the physcho's) behavior and he was told by his therapist that he (the physcho) just needs to be built up because he doesn't have any self confidence! The therapist never even met the physcho!..Now the brother pretty much hands the power to him....I can't open my mouth for fear of looking crazy..

also I feel he told his brother lies about me..the last few months he was saying things like... sounds like your jealous of my son, in front of his brother!..When all I ever tried to do was get him to spend time with him, support him, etc.. I never even heard him call him his son before then!..I feel it's so hard to tell people when they selves are so en twinned with these monsters themselves.I blame myself too for being involved with a man who has fathered 4 children, gave three of them away (a two yr old and 3 month old twins!) and barely supported (not until it was very clear he'd go to jail again if he didn't pay)the other one..I sure wish I could talk to the ex wife!....The poor thing.

...Do we all have a gift here of knowing?....Sometimes I wish I didn't know about this disorder.....it's so difficult to deal with this truth....I seriously want to throw up thinking about what these people are doing and getting away with it.

Thanks for your comments, Becky. I feel very alone right now. My one brother who understands how sick this brother is, is out of town with his family on Spring Break. We have emailed, which helps.

I also feel somewhat abandoned by my mother all over again as it only took a couple of weeks of the cold treatment from psycho bro and she is back in the mess. She says she will not fall prety but I am not hopeful and cant guard her 24/7.

I realize I have to let it go and avoid psycho bro as much as possible, but that is very hard to do in a small house on Easter or other occassions when we are thrown together.

I dont know what was worse; to get a taste of life without him, which was so peaceful and now be back in the thick of things, or to never even have tasted the happiness of his being gone.
Sigh!!

Surely my lack of sleep isnt helping my mind right now. Maybe things will look better in the morning.

But like you said, is it better not to know? Hard to say

Hi Liz, welcome to our community. I am very sorry to read your story.

I think the dynamics are horrible. I have lived in the Midwest for the last few years and kind of understand the way families here are much different and more family orientated than how I was raised in California. My mother also went through the getting me to speak to my brother when she was in her 80's, she had supported why I didn't speak to him for over 5 years but in the end she wanted everyone to play nice. Although he isn't a Psychopath, he treated me horribly. I sucked it in for her sake and behaved like everything was okay while she was alive.

Because there is money and family business involved all I can say is to try and protect the legal aspects from your brother grabbing control. Does he still own part of the family business? You will have to watch your mother from giving in to his attempt to grab the money and push you all out. I know it isn't about money for you but it is for him. Personally I would make sure you are legally protected from him.

Do your other siblings realize what he is really all about?

I would put on that happy face for your mothers sake but be working in the background to make sure he doesn't do an end run on the finances. Does your mother have a good attorney? My sil had to get her father to put a trust in place to protect the estate from her drug addict sister. Her sister doesn't know this but she will never inherit anything until she can pass a drug test for a year, not likely she will. It was good that the trust was put in place while he was still mentally able because now that he is in his 90's and in diminished mental capacity the trust attorneys were able to have him declared unable to deal with things and it is now in their hands to manage. Her sister still continues to be a problem but with the trust attorneys in charge she doesn't have any ability to continue to rob her father.

I am guessing that you and your siblings would have a controlling interest in the businesses?

I think you are right on that he will fight for the assets and make your life miserable but if you have a trust in place it will make it harder, I don't think easier but the assets need to be protected while your mom is still able to be in charge.

I know it must be an overwhelming thing to deal with after losing your father and now having to deal with your mother.

Di

Liz123....I also wanted to comment on your comment ...Reign of terror... So well worded...That's exactly what it is!

Hi Liz, just to clarify, I am not in any way encouraging legal battles with a Psychopath, been there and done that, just trying to evaluate what your options are before any decisions.

You are right as Becky mentioned, reign of terror is a good and accurate description.

Di

Diane and Becky,
Thanks so much for your responses. It has really helped in a tough day. Glad you liked the "reign of terror". A sense of humor makes the horrid easier.

Diane, do not worry about your advice as far as legal matters. You are actually spot on. There is a family and marital trust in place.

Unfortunately Dad had all siblings as co-exectors on his will, if Mom couldnt serve. That would be a total nightmare. I believe it was also that way for the trust, but Mom changed it to age order and not co-executors, which would put me first. Unfortunately her will also reads co-executors as the four siblings, but we have discussed changing it.

I have been the one to go to all attorney and financial planning meetings and well as to probate with her. I have also organized her files and go over the bills with her. It is certainly driving psyco-bro mad. My youngest brother is okay with all of it. There is a third brother that I was once very close too. Sadly he seems to have been swayed by psyco-bro. I dont get it at all and it hurts as we were always close. So the match up is somewhat 3-2 at the moment.

Talked to Mom for a long time tonight. She truly believes she can handle psyco-bro in a meeting with him. I am not so sure. He is a master at spinning your head around with lies, manipulations and other forms of trickery. And she is in her 80's for goodness sake.

On the other hand, she seems to have a pretty good handle on his delusional and greedy nature. Naturally it is sad for her to not see the sons.

It will be nice when younger brother gets back and can help in all this.

Thanks again so much for the support. It meant the world to me today.

Liz123....Thank you for your support as well....Diane too.

Found out tonight that Psyco brother and wife ARE coming to our Easter celebration. Only after they dragged it our forever and tortured my poor mother about seeing her grandsons. Mom wants us to put on the happy face for the sake of the sons.

Not very good anymore at being around the evil and disordered and getting particularly bad at putting on the phony happy face. How does everyone else get through it?

The planning and carrying out of the Easter Egg hunt is my job, so that will give me something to do, but honestly the thought of even looking at brother's and even wife's face makes me ill.

I realize this is not healthy for me. That I am giving him way too much power. But how do you talk yourself into a state of mind to survive these family occassions?

Hi Liz, sorry they are coming, they survive on chaos that they put others through.

I had a couple of thoughts, first about the family trust. It is great you are already a major role player for your mother, would she consider not having all those co-executors?

I don't know about the laws in your state but I know when my Aunt made out her and so did my mothers psycho husband there was a clause that if anyone challenges the will they are automatically tossed out.

Your mother may just be seeing how things play out with your brother, think she knows he is rotten all the way but perhaps she wants to meet with him in private to test how far he will try to sway things, just thinking out loud.

As far as joining in with the family over Easter, I think you have that as an issue all it's own. To me it sounds like the time to take care of what your mom wants to see, I doubt she expects you to fawn all over them but to be polite and respectful of the event for her sake. If he has a past of trying to bait you which most of them do then I would prepare some standard lines like, oh, that is interesting, oh, excuse me, the kids need my help now, oh, gee, I never thought about it that way. Play a role like you are a famous actress on stage and doing a command performance for the sake of your mother. Be prepared for your role, protect your energy field from him and his wife. The most important part is to stay with your breathe one breathe at a time and when you see yourself start to spin off center, go back to your breathe. Be in the moment and let it all roll off you. Another way to think of it and I am not a poker player but a good poker player never shows their hand, no rolling of the eyes, sighs of disgust, don't let them see what you know or give them a reaction that they can feed off of.

I know it sounds easier than it is, but with practice I know you can do it, you know what they are and that is the first big hurdle. You have knowledge of how they will act, only you can predict and control how you will act.

I would suggest to keep telling yourself you are on the stage solely for the sake of your mother, she is older and the time with her needs to be free of chaos from your end, you can't control how they may choose to behave.

I don't know if you have a glass of wine or so at social events but I would not have anything to drink and to keep your mind and focus as clear as possible. I am guessing your mother needs you now more than she ever has. It has to be very hard for a parent to face what a rotten kid they have, no more accurately what an evil kid they have.

My mother passed away a few years ago and I am glad that the time I had left with her was on good terms. I put the nasty stuff aside and played along as long as she was alive. I can't say that is was always easy but it was what she wanted so I just took to the stage.

Di