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What an awful story. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

What you need right now is crisis counseling. In my city it's a free service and is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please, please look into that. I know you're lost and your head is fuzzy and you have no self confidence- this is what they do to you. Add in the fact that he's obviously very dangerous you need to do things now to protect yourself and your family.

There's no doubt in my mind he'll always compulsively cheat, always commit violent acts and always lie. Please get out safely.

As for him being a psychopath... I know it's hard to accept and so hard to accept that the guy he presented to you on those rare occasions was just an act. It's heartbreaking to think there's no help for him either- but this is how he is. No amount of love or help or talking is going to change him.

I went through so many stages just dealing with those facts. It broke my heart to think someone made him like that and he has no real chance at life, but you have to remember there's no help for him, and he's just going to keep hurting and victimizing people. And this is life, and life isn't fair. YOU need to take care of YOU now.

The man you loved doesn't exist. I'm so sorry but you have to accept this so you can begin to pick the pieces up and move on. It won't be easy and it won't be quick but it will get better.

31 st wedding anniversary this Wednesday ,

Hey Shayna- Awesome post. Hope you are doing better. Have you been NC?

Hi 1962, thank you. It's... one day at a time. I took the weekend off to completely tear down and repaint/redo one room in my house, so that kept me very busy. A couple of friends attempted to come over but I told them no- go away, I need my me time this weekend! lol

And yes- there's been NC from him for... 4 days! Wow, weird, I had to check on that; it feels like it's been longer than that.

I hope you're doing well. I read you've been couch surfing for a while. Hang in there girl!

One day at a time....Yup, that's the best way! I was doing well with NC but then I fell off the gray rock. I was at 18 days and I think that it was the weekend and that is my worst time. This Wednesday would have been our 31st anniversary and I have plans to spend the day with my boys. Tomorrow I am going to meet with an intake counselor to see if I can get into a woman's support group- I only want to go it they "get" it. I have met so many who just don't. Even other women who have been abused. Their situations are different somehow.

Throwing yourself into a project is great therapy- also gives you something new to feel good about. I miss that as I loved to do home improvement projects with my "Psychopath".

yes, I've been all over since my "Psychopath" is in our house and won't get out. I have no money, but lots of lovely family members who I have supporting me literally and figuratively!


CONGRATS ON 4 DAYS , I know exactly what you mean about it feeling like longer.

Time seems to go by slowly when you're in pain.


((HUGS)) to you!

1962, I hope you're holding it together today. (((HUGS)))

Thanks Shayna,

I'm having lunch with my boys today and reading and posting. 31 years is a long time to last with a "Psychopath"- but since he dropped his mask and began the discard phase there is no turning back to that "innocent" time of husband and wife.

Dear Brokengirl,

The story you have told is one of the most horrifying, especially because you are a very young lady and seems you have a bonafide out of control, cruel and clearly dangerous loose cannon of a man in your life. None of us are qualified to diagnose psychopathy, but clearly this is man presents MORE than the average danger and what may be considered 'of the violent sort' and terribly destructive. When they talk about killing people or themselves I think they are MUCH more active, full of frustration, rage, and therefore present 'imminent' danger to anyone they are close to.
Mine is like that. Also, you will always hear about 'cancer' stories, broken bones, being locked out of the house or car, accidents, victimization all the time. He's really classic, but he's also not experienced, so he's all over the place. He slept with your best friend FFS? That's enough to dump a guy in the real world!
You really MUST eliminate ALL Contact, no matter what you THINK or FEEL at any time. Nothing Good is EVER going to come of any more contact you have with this person. You have only 10 months invested, cut your losses and RUN. You are much better off today than you will ever be. UNDERSTAND THAT FULLY! Today is your best day, and every day will be better than this one.
Understand something else. If you continue contact, EVERY DAY AFTER TODAY is going to GET WORSE. That is something I would bet my own life on.

What is your attachment to him after 10 months? NONE, ok? NONE. But think about this, if you 'continue' the damage can reflect on you for a long time.
You are young, and if you SAY NO NOW, it's likely you will be saying No to a lifetime of being abused. This is your Shining moment. (pun intended)


Get rid of this guy and come here for support. I will talk to you here if you need, every single day if you want.
You really reached me with this story, I think you are in a lot of trouble with this one. And being so young, it just breaks my heart.

Brokengirl,

I'm sorry you are going through this. You have come to the right place to find support and validation.
Take care of yourself. Read through the posts here and continue to write-

BrokenGirl,

I'm not sure why but it's always easier to see what is clearly going wrong in other people's stories than in your own>

So try reading some of the other stories in here and compare...compare causes and effects, regardless of diagnosis

Someone who cycles his 'moods' so rapidly even if he never becomes physically violent is mentally and emotionally violent

people can't see the scars but they can see the effects and gradually he will wear you down until you 'become' what he keeps telling you that you 'are'...he won't give up until he reaches that point UNLESS you stay away from him

be safe be well

Thanks Shayna, I have decided to leave him, no matter how hard it will be.
I honestly feel like nothing is ever going to get better, and I'm scared he will come after me, like he did to his other victims. I spoke to one of his ex girlfriends yesterday, and she told me how he beat her when she found out about him cheating. This scares me.
Thank you so much for your support

Wow, worrioress,

Your reply made me cry, it just brings to light how awful of a man he really is. I've found out more about his evil ways since I joined here. Lifes been so difficult over the past 10 months, im so emotionally drained and exhausted. But theres a big decision I've made, and thats to leave him. The good news is hes moved away from my town for 2 months, but he stil has my number. Whenever he texts or calls me, Im going to ignore it.

I can't tell him the truth about how i feel, how hes hurt me, what a horrible person he is, because i will know he will try and seek revenge. So im completely cutting myself off from him, NO CONTACT, what so ever.

Today i took a look at his facebook profile, and found his relationship status was in a relationship with another girl! I dont care, hes hurt me so much, I've sort of become numb.
So yeah, after 10 months, Im done. I tried my hardest, and he threw it all back in my face, which hurts so much. But your right, every day will get worse if i stay. I'm glad i joined here, everyones helped so much.

The worst part of this all is that my family dont know that im going through this, and i cant tell them, which makes things 10x worse and more painful.

Thank you for your support worrioress,your reply really touched me, and it would be AMAZING if i could talk to you for support often, as i have no one else to turn to. Im glad im leaving him, I just need to get away safely, and emotionally recover.

Once again thank you so much

Thank yuo 1962,
I find writing here and reading other peoples stories the best form of comfort, as I know im not alone.

Thank you funkyinanna,
Your right, I need to stay away from him, and thats why ive decided i will, Im just trying to figure out the best escape route

Hope you are well, and it's been awhile, how's your NC going?

warrioress,
You wont believe what has happened. yesterday night at around 10pm(uk time) i got a text from him saying hes going to commit suicide, and that he loves me, and i didnt answer, i thought he was just attention seeking.
2 hours later, someone told me he had passed away, and i immediatly logged onto facebook to see what was going on. i found about 20 status's from different people saying 'RIP'
this girl claimed that his brother approached her telling her about his death.
i spoke to his cousin, and he said he reckons its just a rumour. im torn whether to believing it or not. this is horrible, i didnt sleep at all, ive been non stop crying. is he lying? or has he actually died.
i need answers. i feel sick to my stomach. whats going on?

Oh my gosh, it was all a lie. I asked my friend to call him, and she heard his voice on the other end. He claims his facebooks been hacked, but thats all LIES.
This is disgusting. im horrified right now. I spent hours crying in my room, when he was alive all along. I feel so much anger right now.
To top it off he is now texting me saying he has Kidney Cancer, and these are his last days in hospital.
This is insane. Hes evil and sick and twisted.
I had my last conversation, in which he broke up with me, and said we should staty friends. I said okay and stopped talking. I know hes gonna want me back, he always does. Thats his game. But im done.
I was done a long long time ago. Im glad hes moved, right now i just need to get on with my life, i need to be healed. I still feel as if it was my fault. I should have never got myself involved with him.
Im glad im not putting up with this s**t anymore.
I just need to heal. I need to recover xx

Ok. If he kills himself it's just better for the whole planet.... never mind for you, but alright, that's my angry side. I only wish they would do themselves in.
Suicidal threats are Constant tactic in my experience, for months, with a really ACTIVE/violent -but also crybaby , cowardly type and I've know a few different types, more or less. Family, relationships etc.
My current ex was really active, so he wanted to kill me, my alleged 'new boyfriend ' (he knew I didn't have), then himself. I guess he saw that as crime of passion stuff, I guess if he kills me, but fails to kill himself -he'll have some sicko text and VM defense. IE: Insanity.

I Do think that At Times the 'unexperienced' or younger psychopath understands, realizes what a monster they are and since they have to work really hard to keep up the farce, they just cant deal with being who they are. Hence, they are All OVER the Place and completely out of control.
I suspect this is your Exspath situation.
Sometimes I think they really DO want to suicide or other options: suicide by police or that someone else put an end to their suffering, like being shot for doing something totally unacceptable. I think this, because my Ex Knew I was fully armed, knew I had a police complaint out on him, but came to my house and threatened me, stalked me and tried to break in, regardless. He Totally KNEW I could shoot him dead at any time.
His fear was not death, at all! His fear was prison. So, he fled when I didn't shoot him, but called the cops instead.

My ExSpath, when he was 'out of control' told me to 'Stay away from him, that he was a BAD person who had done horrible things and he deserved to die'.
He threatened suicide many times. He had done horrible things, some I kinda know ( murder) and much more I will never know. But stupid ME.

Now, because he got away with Everything, he just laughs his ass off. He was testing me, and EVERYONE, the court, the jail, the cops. I always said to his therapist, he is using Me to Self Destruct, trying to take me with him, but I refused. Now, maybe I wish I would have, because it's all fallen back on me, as now he always talks about "LMAO" , which is about getting away with it once again.

Ok, enough about ME. and what it means to be in a really BAD situation. You must understand that you are in one too. You have a psycho in your midst, and the adrenaline you are experiencing is like a drug. Its addictive.

You don't want to hit rock bottom. We never see rock bottom til you are so far in you cant get out.
A song that plays in my head all the time is Anna Nalick Lyrics to "Breathe". http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/annanalick/breathe2am.html

Keep posting love , and stay in NC as much as you can.
XO

Brokengirl 21,

"Psychopath"s use these threats as part of their manipulation. From what I have read, real "Psychopath"s rarely follow through with these threats. If your life should be threatened on the other hand- I would take that seriously.

Protect your emotional and physical self from this "Psychopath". Read, post, heal, be safe.

warrioress,
wow you have no idea how much your helping me. ive never wished death upon anyone, but i wish he had never come to life. his existince has caused me misery. Im SOOO sorry about your ex! thats shocking, its disgusting to think he got away with doing all those sick things. im glad we've both joined this website, its the biggest form of comfort. im always here to talk to you too.

Since my last post, everyone has found out that he faked his own death. I can honestly say i have no feelings left for him. But right now the thing thats hurting me is alot of people are saying I lied about his death. which makes me sick. all my 'friends' have turned their back on me, harrasing me and other horrible things.
I feel so alone and i feel as if my life has been completely destroyed. Ive got nothing left. I geniunely feel that way. My whole bodys in physcial pain, and i feel as if ive just come back from hell.
Despite all these feelings, im determined to get my life back on track again. i just hope the past doesnt come back to haunt me......

I listened to the song 'Breathe' and it was really good, its defiantly something all us victims need to do. Breath and know its not our fault.

I dont know you too well, but all im going to say is your a really amazing person, and a great listener, your advice has helped SO much. You deserve an amazing partner, and I hope you keep safe and well.

Thank you so much,
XO

1962,
Thanks alot. It sometimes does scare me that he might come back and hurt me. But i realise that if I have No contact (which im doing right how)
then theres no way he can hurt me at all.
Its so hard, but ALL i need to focus on right now is making a good recovery, and this means posting on here.

I completely relate to this, as likely does everyone on this site. The alleged 'friends' are not your friends, I suppose these are mostly Fake Book friends ?
You are young (I think?) and have many years ahead to forget about all of this one day, be happy and have real friends, a good partner and maybe some loving pets, kids, all that life has to offer. It just takes a little time. As far as physical pain, there is no matching the intelligence of the body, rest and listen to it. Eat well, drink water, stretch. Stress does a big number, so treat yourself with nurturing care, as hard as that can be. Al Anon groups can teach you this.

In the meantime, tragedy is a good marker for inner reflection, setting up strong boundaries and learning what is acceptable and totally Unacceptable in a relationship. This also means who your friends really are, Block the harassing ones since they are just stabbing an open wound, and some people are like this. Even animals attack another wounded one sometimes. It's primitive behavior.
A Start Over is a hard thing, but not the worst thing that can happen in life. Many of us obviously Needed the wake up call, since we were all putting up with too much abuse before the S. finally hit the fan.

In my grief, as I'm more open to listening, people have shared things with me they were keeping to themselves as well. I have learned a lot about some horrible events some of my friends and strangers have been through on many levels. It's been enlightening to me that I never paid that much attention, nor could fully understand before. It's made me a much better person, albeit a bit more emotional. I also notice I have less room for any BS in my life.

Thanks for your nice comments, but I'm also struggling, sometimes I'm shocked that I wake up every morning. But what I'm going through now is nothing compared to the grisly fear in the days with him and the black hole in my insides has finally dissipated. I still cry, but not for me, for my dog.
No happy days yet, but sometimes I get to laugh for a few hours with a good friend, a relief. This will come for you too.

It's a testament that all these things never broke anyone on this site. We just get up and do the best we can. You too girl!
I know youre gonna be fine one day. Give it some time.
Best wishes.

"In my grief, as I'm more open to listening, people have shared things with me they were keeping to themselves as well. I have learned a lot about some horrible events some of my friends and strangers have been through on many levels. It's been enlightening to me that I never paid that much attention, nor could fully understand before. It's made me a much better person, albeit a bit more emotional. I also notice I have less room for any BS in my life."


Warrioress,

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and I think a heck of a lot smarter.

I agree with your other post that said we are lucky to be here and alive. Of course there are days when I think it would be so much easier to give up and give in, but I know that there have to be better days ahead. It was my counselor who said he was seriously concerned for my personal safety- he thought that since I knew the "Psychopath" for so many years (30+), that I would let my guard down.

I'm more realistic now and know I can't be alone near or with him. I watch out who I tell my location to and I think truthfully that is a good idea for everyone on this site to consider. You never know how long the "Psychopath" will hold a grudge.

Hi Warrioress,
Your completely right, those girls are all fake friends. And that's the last thing I need right now. Right now I need good people to surround me and show me what real care and love means. Think I can get that from my family.

I am very young (under 20) and I've got an entire life ahead of me. I'm a student, and I used to get straight A's. Not I'm getting bad grades, such as C's. This really upsets me. I know its because of my personal life, and its too late to go back and change my grades. I'm also ashamed to tell my parents that my grades have gone down.

Another problem I have is that my parents (who I live with) don't know all this has been going on. All they know is that I was with some guy, who wasn't the nicest. I can't bring myself to tell them. I know it will break their hearts, and they won't be able to deal with it in the correct way.

I'm starting to take care of my physical well being as well. I've heard he's got a new girlfriend, though she can't talk english too well, and they've never met. I have a really big feeling he will try and get me back, because that's what always happens. But there's no way on hell I'm going back to him.

I've had the wake up call. I know the way he treated me was NOT acceptable at all. That wasn't a healthy relationship. That was a relationship which destroyed me and tore me apart.

But I need to stop thinking so negative. Its a blessing that I'm still alive, and he hasn't hurt me in a physical way (e.g. Beating me up, like he did to his ex)

I think experiences like this does make victims less tolerant to BS. But Warrioress, I want to tell you your suffering has inspired me to take action, and recover, and heal. And that you didn't suffer for nothing, your story (what I know about it) is a uplifting one, about how you can bounce back.

This experience has made me want to listen to other peoples pain and troubles which is good. I think by time, that pain will have eventually heal. It will only be a scar, and that scar is part of my life story.

Thanks warrioress Best wishes to you too!

1962,
All I can say is WOW! 30+ years? That's a long time to put up with a Psychopath. I'd only had him in my life for like 10 months, and I'd been completely torn apart.

I agree with you tho, you don't know how long they will hold grudges and that scares me. I guess all we can do is rebuild our lives and stay safe.

Hope your doing well xo

brokengirl21,

My story seems different than most of the ones here. I was love bombed for sure, but when we moved in together we seemed to be very compatible. We got married a year later, had children, and did the usual family vacations, holidays ect. Everyone thought (including me) that we were the best of friends.

It wasn't until our 30th anniversary that i realized that he was obviously involved with someone else- (how or where I'm not sure as he was always home to me each night). I'm pretty sure it was with at least his secretary and I'm sure there were/are others too. But again, he was home each night acting as the loving and dutiful father and husband. No one would ever believe that he was capable of what he'd done to me.

I can't imagine 30+ years either. I only knew mine for 2 years as one of my best friends and then 3 or 4 months as my boyfriend and that ripped me apart too.

Apparently I played the part of succor- a safe place where he returned to each day. I was a stay at home mom and we had a pretty good life together. It wasn't until the last few years when I suspected his infidelity that I began to learn what he was doing, what he was capable of and what he was willing to do to keep it all quiet.

Friends have told me that they wished they had a relationship like ours- we did everything together and seemed to be best friends. This of course has made it extremely difficult to accept the reality of what he was all along.

Me too.... The home and security while he played on the side. He is utterly depraved and I can't believe I gave the parasite any of that, let alone love!